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Playing hard to get is a popular dating tactic used by men and women to increase their attractiveness. The idea is that if you act like you’re not interested in someone, they will be more interested in you.
The problem is, playing hard to get can easily come across as a bunch of nasty mind games, and love should be about honest connection and not manipulation.
But the truth is, playing hard to get does work, and it doesn’t have to be manipulative. If you do it the right way, it’s all about being confident, believing in yourself, and acting like someone worth fighting for.
What is playing hard to get?
Playing hard to get is about making yourself appear less available and more challenging to win over. Acting like you’re not interested in being caught creates an air of mystery which makes you seem much more desirable. The goal is to get the other person to pursue you rather than the other way around.
There are two main techniques in the playing hard-to-get playbook:
The first is making it seem like you’re very busy and have limited availability. You’re always hard to get hold of, and when you do finally give the person chasing you some time and attention, they feel very lucky.
The second technique involves giving them some initial attention by being fun and flirty, but then quickly backing off and seeming less interested. When they see your interest starting to wane, they’ll try even harder to impress you and win back your attention.
Why should you play hard to get?
The main reason you should play hard to get is to make someone work harder for your attention and want you even more. It’s about increasing your desirability by making yourself seem harder to obtain.
Playing hard to get is also a great way to test someone’s level of interest and commitment. If they’re not prepared to put in the effort to chase you, then you might not consider them worth your time. This is especially useful if you’re looking for a long-term relationship.
The key to playing hard to get is going into it with the right intentions. Using it to increase your self-esteem or manipulate someone into liking you won’t work out. But if you’re honest about your feelings and want to test someone’s interest, then playing hard to get can be a helpful tool.
Does playing hard to get work?
Playing hard to get does work, and several studies have shown that it’s an effective way to increase your attractiveness.
In one experiment, test subjects interacted with members of the opposite sex after being primed with a dating profile showing how hard to get they were. The subjects who were shown the hard-to-get profile were significantly more interested in the person than those who saw a profile indicating that the person was easy to get. They also made more effort to continue seeing the person and trying to impress them.
In a lot of ways, this makes intuitive sense. Many things in life that we see as rare or difficult to obtain are also more valuable. People will pay more money for a limited edition item, and a house with a fabulous view is worth more than a house with a view of a parking lot.
It’s the same principle with people. We perceive a potential mate that seems hard to get as more valuable, so we’re naturally more interested in them. And on the flip side, someone easy to get must surely be desperate and not worth our time.
Examples of playing hard to get
Okay, now that we’ve covered the basics of playing hard to get, let’s take a look at some specific examples. Here are 21 ways you can start playing hard to get and increase your attractiveness.
1. Give just enough attention
This is the most basic form of playing hard to get, and it’s also the most effective. When you first meet someone, give them your full attention and flirt with them to get their attention and establish initial attraction. But as soon as you can see that they’re interested, back off and start to spread your attention around.
Don’t focus on them exclusively or hang on their every word. Make sure that you talk to other people and let them see you flirting with other people too.
You can also use body language to your advantage. When they’re talking to you, face them and maintain eye contact. But when you’re talking to other people, turn your body away and subtly shut them out of the conversation.
A good way to think of this is to give them the attention they need to stay interested, but not enough to massage their ego and feel like they’ve already won. It’s a fine line to walk, but with practice, you can make someone work much harder to keep your attention.
Related post: How to ignore a guy to make him want you: 13 tips
2. Build sexual chemistry and anticipation
Building sexual tension is about using body language, physical contact, and flirting to slowly increase the level of anticipation and make someone want you more and more.
Start with very light and casual touches that feel almost accidental. For example, briefly brush their leg against yours under the table, or let your hand accidentally touch theirs when you reach for something. If they respond positively, gradually move on to more deliberate contact, like touching them on the shoulder or arm to emphasize a point or placing your hand on top of theirs when they make you laugh.
You can also use other body language cues like eye contact, smiling, and leaning in to increase the tension and attraction further. By the time you let them hug you, kiss you, or sleep with you, they’ll be putty in your hands.
How quickly you escalate the level of sexual tension is entirely up to you. It might happen over the course of a single date, or you might take things slow and drag out the anticipation for days or weeks.
Related post: 35 ways to turn a guy on (with & without touching him)
3. Wait before responding to texts
Don’t always respond straight away when they text you. Instead, wait a few hours before replying and occasionally leave them hanging until the next day.
Waiting for your reply will create a feeling of uncertainty and make them worry that you’re losing interest. And when you do eventually respond, they’ll be flooded with relief and happiness and try even harder to keep your attention.
Of course, you are actually interested, so don’t leave them hanging too long, or they’ll assume you don’t like them and cut their losses. If you’ve made them wait more than a few hours for a reply, apologize and tell them you’ve been busy. This has the added advantage of making it seem like you have a dynamic and exciting life they need to compete with.
If you feel uncomfortable waiting before replying, a good rule of thumb is to match their behavior. If they take an hour to respond to you, do the same and add some extra time on top for good measure.
4. Don’t always be available
Making it seem like you’re busy creates a sense of mystery and makes you more attractive. So don’t always be available when they want to see you and give the impression that you have other things going on in your life (even if you don’t).
If they ask you out on a date, don’t just drop everything and agree to their terms. Tell them you’re busy and already have plans, but offer an alternative time or date instead. This sends the message that you’re not desperate or waiting around for them and makes them work harder to spend time with you.
5. Enforce your boundaries
If you want someone to treat you with respect, you need to enforce your boundaries from the beginning. Make it clear what you will and won’t tolerate, and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself if they cross the line. This sends the message that you have high standards, and your respect needs to be earned.
If they make a disrespectful comment, call them out on it, and tell them no if they try to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. And if they keep pushing after you’ve said no, walk away and end the conversation.
6. Flirt with other people
When you’re talking to someone you like, let your eyes wander around the room and talk to other people too. If they see you flirting with someone else, it’ll make them feel jealous and competitive, and they’ll try even harder to win your attention.
Again, there’s a delicate balance between too much and too little. If you flirt with other people too blatantly, they’ll think you’re not interested in them and give up. So make sure you don’t ignore them completely and still focus most of your attention on them.
7. Tease
Most people are reminded of schoolyard bullies when they think of teasing, but it can also be a playful and flirtatious way to interact with someone. You create a sense of intimacy and closeness by gently mocking them or making fun of their quirks.
Teasing also shows that you’re not intimidated by them and feel confident enough to joke around. Just make sure that your teasing is good-natured and doesn’t cross the line into meanness.
8. Don’t rush into sex
Making someone wait for sex and drawing out the anticipation is one of the most powerful ways you can play hard to get.
Build sexual tension by flirting with them and slowly increasing the level of physical intimacy, but gently pull away when things get too steamy. However, please don’t be cruel and lead them on to the point where they feel frustrated and rejected.
Give them lots of signals that you both want the same thing, but be clear that you’re not easy and you won’t jump straight into bed at the drop of a hat. If you play it right, they’ll respect your self-control, and when you finally “give in,” the experience will be even more intense and fun.
9. Be a little aloof
An easy way to make someone want you more is to act a little aloof and detached from the situation. This means not getting too excited about them or the things they do and acting like you could take it or leave it.
The easiest way to be aloof is to let them initiate contact or conversation. Whether it’s through text, social media, or in person, let them make the first move and wait for them to come to you. This makes you seem more mysterious and elusive, and they’ll want to solve the puzzle that is you.
10. Talk about your hobbies and interests
When you’re passionate about something, it comes through in your body language and how you talk. This makes you more interesting to talk to and gives the impression that you’re much harder to get.
Why? Because your rich and fulfilling life shows that you don’t rely on other people for validation and happiness. Anyone who wants to win you over must be pretty special to distract you from your other exciting pursuits.
11. Make them earn your praise
It feels good to be praised and complimented, but it means much more coming from someone hard to please. Making them work for your approval creates a sense of competition and raises the stakes.
If they do something you like, don’t just tell them they did a good job. Talk about what you liked specifically and why you thought it was worth mentioning. For example, “That was a really thoughtful thing to do; I appreciate how considerate you are.”
12. Give them space to miss you
When someone is attracted to you, neurotransmitters such as dopamine are released into their brain, making them feel good. This feeling is addictive, and when they miss you, it can feel very similar to withdrawal from a drug like cocaine.
This withdrawal makes them appreciate and value you even more, so don’t be afraid to take a step back occasionally and make them miss you. You don’t need to ghost them or completely cut off communication. Just be busy with your own life and let them wonder what you’re up to and what you’re doing without them.
13. Don’t be clingy or needy
Neediness is a huge turn-off, and it’s also a major sign that you lack self-confidence. If you’re constantly texting or asking them to hang out, it shows that you have nothing else going on in your life, and you’re desperate for attention.
It’s essential to have your own life outside your relationship and be comfortable alone. This way, you won’t seem clingy or needy, and you’ll give them the space to miss you.
14. Be confident and outgoing
Projecting an air of confidence shows that you’re secure in yourself and you know what you want. It’s an appealing quality that will make potential mates see you as someone worth pursuing.
Being confident doesn’t mean you have to be the life of the party or always be making jokes. It just means being comfortable in your own skin and not caring too much about what other people think of you.
If you don’t feel naturally confident, there are still things you can do to fake it until you make it. Stand up straight, make eye contact, and speak clearly. Dress in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, and don’t be afraid to show off your best qualities.
15. Don’t be an open book
When getting to know someone, don’t share everything about yourself immediately. Reveal things slowly and let them earn your trust. This will make you seem more mysterious and desirable and keep them guessing about you.
Being deliberately vague on details is also a great way to make yourself seem more mysterious. For example, when talking about a night out with friends, don’t tell them everything that happened. Just allude to the wild and amazing time you had and let their imagination fill in the details.
How do you play hard to get successfully?
The key to successfully playing hard to get is to become a confident and outgoing person with high standards, who values their self-worth and has a busy life filled with career goals, engaging hobbies, and beautiful friends.
Even if you have to fake it until you make it, the kind of person who plays hard to get the right way is precisely the type of person you should aspire to be!
Playing hard to get means you don’t spend hours obsessing someone you barely know. You don’t sit around waiting for them to text you, and you don’t drop everything at their beck and call.
You’re open to the idea of love, but your dating life is just one aspect of your busy and fulfilling life. You continue living your life the way you want, and you don’t need anyone else to complete you.
1. Understand their personality
Playing hard to get requires subtlety and finesse, and you need to consider the other person’s personality before making your move.
If they seem shy or introverted, you’ll need to be more subtle in your approach because someone who lacks confidence can easily misinterpret playing hard to get as disinterest or rejection.
Conversely, if the other person is more confident and outgoing, you can afford to be a little more forward in your approach.
Another downside of playing hard to get is that it can attract the sort of person who loves the chase but isn’t actually interested in a long-term relationship. If you’re looking for something more serious, you need to be careful that you don’t get caught up in the game and end up with someone who’s just playing you.
2. Maintain balance
At the end of the day, playing hard to get is about finding a balance between seeming interested and aloof. If you don’t show any interest at all, the other person will quickly get the wrong idea and assume you’re rejecting them.
A good rule of thumb is to always leave them wanting more. Make it clear that you’re very attracted to them, but leave enough room for doubt and make them work to win you over.
3. Keep it light-hearted
Keep things light-hearted and fun, and don’t play hard to get too seriously. As soon as you start playing mind games or trying to manipulate the other person, you’re going too far, and it will backfire.
4. Practice self-love
Becoming the kind of person who effortlessly plays hard to get requires a lot of self-love and self-acceptance. You need to love yourself first and foremost and believe that you’re worthy of being loved.
Learning to love yourself is a lifelong journey, but it’s essential if you want to be confident and successful in the dating world. Don’t try to please everyone or be someone you’re not, and always stay true to yourself. Set your standards high, and don’t settle for anything less than you deserve.
And above all, don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness. Playing hard to get is about being happy and content with your own life and not needing someone else to complete you.
