This post may include affiliate links to products we think you'll find useful. We may earn a small commission if you buy through these links. Read our affiliate disclosure.
Are you worried that you’re being too mean to your boyfriend? Maybe you start arguments over nothing, constantly criticize him, or give him the dreaded silent treatment when he doesn’t deserve it.
It’s normal to get in a bad mood sometimes and say hurtful things that you don’t really mean. But if you can’t stop lashing out and treating your boyfriend with disrespect, it’s a sign that your relationship has deeper problems.
And if you don’t figure it out, he’ll get tired of being on the receiving end of all your anger and resentment. He’ll start to withdraw from you emotionally and eventually break up with you.
Reasons you’re mean to your boyfriend
If you can’t stop being mean to your boyfriend, there’s almost certainly something deeper going on. You might not even realize it, but your behavior is likely being driven by some unresolved issue in your relationship.
Once you understand why you’re so mean, you can solve the root cause of the problem and start rebuilding your relationship from a more positive place.
1. You don’t feel secure in the relationship
If you’re worried that your boyfriend is going to break up with you, being mean to him might be a subconscious defense mechanism designed to push him away. If you’re already emotionally disconnected when he dumps you, it will be less of a shock and easier to tell yourself that you’re better off without him.
Mistreating him might also be a way to force his hand and get him to break up with you more quickly. At least then, it will be over and done with, and you won’t have to agonize about it anymore.
Or, you might be using mean behavior to test his limits and reassure yourself that he still cares about you. If he can put up with your mean behavior, he must really love you, right?
2. You want to break up with him
On the other side of the coin, you might be mean because you want to break up with him, but you’re afraid to do it directly.
You’re hoping that if you make the relationship unbearable, he’ll be the one to end it, and you won’t have to deal with the guilt and heartbreak of breaking up with him.
This is a cowardly way to break up with someone, and it will only cause more pain in the long run. If you’re unhappy in the relationship and want to break up, be honest with him. It might be tough at the time, but it will be much easier for both of you in the long term.
3. You’re not communicating
Most relationship problems can easily be solved with open and honest communication. But if you don’t talk to each other about what’s bothering you, minor problems can fester and grow into long-term anger and resentment.
If communication has broken down, being nasty to your boyfriend might be the only way you can get him to pay attention to you and express how unhappy you feel.
There are many causes of poor communication in a relationship. Maybe you’ve grown apart, he’s a poor listener, or you’re afraid to open up to him. Whatever the reason, honest communication is the only way to get past the hurt and anger you feel.
4. You need constant reassurance & validation
Outsourcing your happiness and feelings of self-worth to another person is very unhealthy behavior and a sign of low self-esteem.
If you constantly need reassurance from your boyfriend that he loves you and wants to be with you, it puts a lot of pressure on your relationship and sets you up for constant disappointment.
You might start picking fights with him or being mean to get his attention and force him to appease you and give you the reassurance you need. This works for a while, but before long, the cycle repeats, and you’re back to feeling insecure and unloved.
The only way to enjoy a healthy relationship is to work on your self-esteem and start valuing and respecting yourself. Only then will you be able to relax and enjoy being with your boyfriend without needing constant validation.
5. You’re dumping your problems on him
If you’re going through a tough time, you might be taking your frustration and anger out on your boyfriend without realizing it. Being mean to him is a convenient outlet for all your pent-up emotions, and it’s easier than dealing with your problems head-on. It’s also a way to avoid taking responsibility for your own life and happiness.
Your boyfriend should be there to support and help you with your problems, but you also need to be mindful of how your issues affect your relationship. If you’re constantly dumping your problems on him without working on solving them, it will only make things worse in the long run.
6. You’ve emotionally disconnected from each other
If you’re not feeling emotionally connected to your boyfriend, it’s easy to start taking him for granted and treating him poorly.
Perhaps you’ve just grown apart over time, or you’re both so distracted by your own lives that you’re not making time for each other anymore. Whatever the reason, it’s essential to work on re-establishing that emotional connection if you want to save your relationship.
Make an effort to spend more quality time together and reconnect on an emotional level. Put your phones away, turn off the TV, and talk to each other about your day-to-day lives. It might seem small, but it can make a big difference in how you feel about each other.
7. You don’t resolve arguments
Arguments are a normal and healthy part of any relationship. But having the same argument over and over again without ever resolving the issue leads to bitterness and resentment.
It’s no wonder you’ve started being mean to your boyfriend when you’re stuck in this vicious cycle. All the negativity begins to wear away at you, and being mean is a way to feel like you’re in control of the situation.
The only way to break free from this cycle is to learn how to argue constructively. That means listening to each other, seeing things from the other person’s perspective, and focusing on the issue you’re trying to solve. It takes effort and patience, but it’s worth it if you want to save your relationship.
8. Your expectations are too high
Nobody is perfect, and expecting your boyfriend to always say and do the right thing is unrealistic. It’s unfair to him and sets you up for constant disappointment.
And what happens when you’re constantly disappointed? You start taking your frustration out on him by being mean.
Try to let go of your unrealistic expectations and focus on the good things about your relationship. Accepting that nobody is perfect will help you be more understanding and tolerant when your boyfriend makes a mistake.
9. You’re trying to control him or change him
Are you being mean to your boyfriend because you’re trying to control him or change him in some way? It might be that you don’t like the way he dresses, or you want him to stop hanging out with his friends so much. Maybe you’re even trying to change his personality to suit your own needs.
Trying to control someone this way is destructive and manipulative, and it will only lead to resentment and tension in your relationship. Accept your boyfriend for who he is, and don’t try to change him into someone else.
10. You have low self-esteem
People with low self-esteem often start to believe that they don’t deserve the love and care of their partner. This can lead to all sorts of relationship problems, including mistreating the other person.
Why? If you don’t think you’re good enough for your boyfriend, it’s natural to think he doesn’t care about your opinions and feelings. So you start being mean to him as a self-defense mechanism to make yourself feel better and more in control.
If you think your low self-esteem might be a problem in your relationship, it’s essential to seek professional help. A therapist can help you work through your issues and give you the tools to build a healthy relationship.
11. You’re bored
Feeling a little bit bored in your relationship is expected from time to time. The solution is usually to spice things up and find new ways to keep the spark alive.
But if you’ve been bored for months and it’s not going away, it’s a sign that something is wrong. Maybe you’re not compatible with each other anymore, or you’ve grown apart over time.
Being mean to him might be a last-ditch effort to provoke a reaction and feel something other than boredom. But it’s not a healthy way to deal with the problem, and it will only make him pull further away from you.
12. You don’t trust him
If you don’t trust your boyfriend, it makes sense that you might start acting out in ways that are damaging to your relationship. Your mind is full of negative thoughts that make it difficult to see him in a positive light. And when you’re constantly doubting and mistrusting him, it’s only a matter of time before you start being mean to him.
13. You’re anxious about a future with him
If you’re not sure whether you see a long-term future with your boyfriend, being mean to him might be a way to push him away before things get too serious.
It sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s a way of protecting yourself from potential pain in the future. If you’re unsure whether you want to be with him long-term, it’s important to consider what you want from the relationship and not lead him on.
14. You’re jealous of his success
If you put him down or criticize him when he’s doing well, it might be because you’re jealous of his success. It’s hard to admit because you know you should be happy for him and celebrate his achievements.
Jealousy is often born out of a fear of not being good enough or being left behind. You need to trust that he loves you and that his success doesn’t take away from your own.
15. You’re competing with him
Just like being jealous, competing with your boyfriend will only create tension and conflict in your relationship. You might be used to being the best at everything, and you can’t stand the thought of him being better than you in any way.
Competition is healthy in some areas of life, but not in a romantic relationship. If you’re always trying to one-up him, it’s time to take a step back and reassess your priorities.
Are you entirely to blame?
So far, I’ve looked at why you might be at fault for being mean to your boyfriend. But have you considered that he might be doing something to deserve it?
1. He doesn’t respect you
Lack of respect can include not listening to you, dismissing your opinions, and criticizing you – to name a few. If you feel like your boyfriend doesn’t have any respect for you, it’s not surprising that you’re acting mean to try and salvage some of your self-respect.
2. He’s always putting himself first
If he’s always putting his own needs ahead of yours, it makes you feel unimportant and neglected. And when you think this way, you lash out and try to get his attention any way you can.
3. He’s not meeting your needs
Everyone has different needs in a relationship, whether physical, emotional or even financial. If you’re not getting your needs met, it can make you feel frustrated and resentful.
4. He’s betrayed you in the past
If your boyfriend has betrayed you in the past, you might be holding onto unresolved anger and resentment. It’s only natural that you would take it out on him in small (or not so small) ways.
Forgiveness is a journey, and it’s completely okay if you’re not there yet. Just be honest with yourself and him about where you’re at, and communicate openly about your feelings rather than acting mean with no explanation.
Examples of mean behavior
In some cases, you might not even realize that you’re being mean to your boyfriend. If any of the following sound familiar, it’s a good indication that you need to take a step back and reassess your behavior.
1. You start arguments over nothing
You go looking for a fight and always need to have the last word. Even worse, you exaggerate problems and bring up past issues that have already been resolved.
2. You get defensive and sensitive
Even the slightest criticism can send you into a tailspin. You can’t take any constructive feedback and are always on the defensive.
3. You give him the silent treatment
You’ve mastered the art of giving him the silent treatment, and you use it whenever you’re upset with him. You refuse to talk about what’s wrong and give him the cold shoulder until he buckles under the pressure and begs for forgiveness.
4. You criticize and nag him
Nothing he does is ever good enough for you. You’re always pointing out his flaws and telling him what he could be doing better.
5. You play games and test him
You play mind games with his emotions and test his patience. You act hot and cold towards him and flirt with other guys right in front of him to make him feel jealous.
6. You deny affection or sex as punishment
You use sex and affection as a weapon and withhold them when you’re mad with him. You might not even realize that you’re doing it, but it’s a form of emotional blackmail.
7. You blame him for everything
Everything is his fault – even things that have nothing to do with him. You never take responsibility for your own actions, and you always find a way to make it look like he’s the one in the wrong.
How to stop being mean to your boyfriend
Some of that might not have been easy to read, but it’s important to be honest with yourself if you want to improve your relationship. No one is perfect, and we all have moments where we act out of anger or frustration.
The key is to catch yourself before it happens and find a more constructive way to deal with your feelings. Here’s how to stop being so mean to your boyfriend:
1. Understand why you’re being mean
Hopefully, this article has helped you identify why you’re being mean to your boyfriend.
Once you know what’s causing your behavior, you can start to work on addressing the problem. For example, if you’re feeling bored or trapped in the relationship, find ways to add more excitement and reignite the spark.
If you’re still unsure why you’re acting out, consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can help you get to the bottom of your issues.
2. Figure out what you want
Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Do you want to stay in the relationship, or are you just looking for a way out?
If you’re unhappy in the relationship, have the courage to end it before you do any more damage. But, if you still care about your boyfriend and want to make things work, it’s time to start making some changes.
3. Work on yourself
How can you be happy in your relationship if you’re not even happy with yourself?
Spend time focusing on your well-being, and you’ll be in a better place to make things work with your boyfriend. Think about what you need to do to feel better about yourself, and then take the necessary steps to make it happen. This might mean working on your self-esteem, developing healthier coping mechanisms, or getting help for an underlying issue like depression or anxiety.
Related post: 105 amazing things to love about yourself
4. Set clear personal boundaries
If you’ve identified that his negative behavior is causing you to be mean, then it’s time to set some clear boundaries. This involves thinking about your needs and wants to ensure you feel valued and respected in the relationship.
Explain to him what you will and won’t tolerate, and make it clear when his behavior crosses the line. It’s important to be assertive in enforcing your boundaries, but remember to be respectful and trust him until he gives you a reason not to.
5. Communicate openly and honestly
Make an effort to talk to him about what’s going on in your life, both the good and the bad. Be open about your feelings, and don’t be afraid to share your thoughts and opinions. The more you communicate, the easier it will be to understand each other and work together to resolve problems.
It’s also important to listen to him when he’s talking to you. Try to really hear and understand what he’s saying and look for ways to compromise and meet in the middle.
6. Focus on the positive
When you’re in a relationship, focusing on the negative aspects of your partner’s behavior is sometimes tempting. Make an effort to focus on the things you love about him, and express your appreciation for him whenever you can. This will help to balance out the negative feelings, and it will make it easier to work through the tough times.
7. Seek professional help
If you’ve tried everything and are still struggling, consider talking to a professional. A therapist or relationship counselor can help you work through the underlying issues causing your mean behavior.
They can also provide tools and resources to help you build a more positive relationship with your boyfriend. If you’re both willing to commit to counseling, it can be a great way to improve your relationship and get back on track.
FAQs
Why am I so mean to my boyfriend on my period?
There could be a few reasons you’re more prone to being mean to your boyfriend when you’re on your period. Hormonal changes can affect your mood, and you may feel more irritable or sensitive during this time. If your period is causing you a lot of stress, it can also lead to negative behavior.
Why am I mean to my boyfriend when I’m drunk?
Drinking alcohol can lower your inhibitions and make you more likely to say or do things you wouldn’t normally do. If you’re only mean to your boyfriend when drunk, take a step back and assess your behavior.
Are you saying things that you don’t actually mean? Is alcohol bringing up issues that you don’t feel comfortable dealing with when sober?
Why am I mean to my boyfriend when I miss him?
Being attracted to someone causes your body to release the hormones dopamine and serotonin, which make you feel happy, energized, and connected to your boyfriend.
These chemicals create an addiction response very similar to drugs like cocaine, and when you miss him, your brain is essentially going through withdrawal. This withdrawal can lead to irritability and anxiety and make you act mean to him even though you don’t want to.
