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Are you worried that a guy is using you? Perhaps he only calls when he wants to hook up, or maybe it feels like you’re putting in all the effort, and he treats you like an option instead of a priority.
As much as you want to believe he cares about you, it’s important to figure out the truth. You deserve to be with a guy who loves and respects you, not someone who’s taking advantage of you for his own benefit.
Here are 31 signs a guy is using you and what you should do about it.
1. He blows hot & cold
One day he’s sweet and loving and gives you lots of attention; the next, he’s distant and cold or completely ignores you. This hot and cold behavior makes you feel insecure and confused, and you’re never quite sure where you stand with him.
2. He doesn’t make you a priority
You always come second to his friends, family, work, or hobbies. He only wants to see you when it’s convenient for him, and if he gets a better offer, he’ll cancel on you without a second thought (or not show up at all). Even worse, he barely apologies and accuses you of being too needy or clingy when you express how hurt and disappointed you feel.
3. He leaves when sex is off the table
He’s only interested in spending time with you if he thinks there’s a chance of sex. As soon as you tell him you’re tired or not in the mood, he starts sulking or pressuring you to change your mind. And once he realizes it’s not going to happen, he acts bored and disinterested and starts looking for the exit.
4. You never have deep conversations
All your conversations are surface-level and revolve around small talk or gossip. You want to get to know him better and connect on a deeper level, but he constantly changes the subject or shuts down when you try to probe a little further. It’s clear he has no interest in getting to know you or sharing anything personal about himself.
5. Your relationship feels one-sided
It feels like you’re the only one putting in any effort to make things work. You’re always initiating contact, making plans, and doing favors for him while he sits back and enjoys the ride. You know he’s not lazy; he’s just using you and doesn’t feel the need to put in any effort.
6. You don’t know anything about his life
He never talks about himself, his family, friends, or interests. He’s a complete mystery, and you feel like you’re dating a stranger. Even after months of dating, you still don’t really know anything about him, and he makes no effort to open up to you or let you in.
7. He doesn’t support you
When you’re going through a tough time, he’s nowhere to be found. He never offers emotional support or tries to make you feel better. In fact, he might even make insensitive comments that make things worse. Clearly, he doesn’t care about your feelings and is only interested in himself.
8. He borrows money and never pays you back
Borrowing money from you is becoming a regular occurrence, and you’re starting to feel like his personal ATM. You don’t mind helping him out now and then, but he never repays you or even says thank you.
9. He lies to you
You’ve started to catch him in little white lies and half-truths, and it’s beginning to make you wonder what else he’s hiding from you. And when you ask him where he’s been or who he’s been with, he gets defensive and evasive instead of giving you a straight answer.
10. He won’t talk about the future
If he really cared about you, he would be interested in making future plans with you. But he changes the subject whenever you bring up the future or shuts down completely. Even planning a vacation or a weekend away is too much commitment for him.
11. He only texts you for sex
You can’t even remember the last time he texted you in daylight hours to chat or see how you’re doing. Most of his texts arrive late at night when he’s looking for a last-minute booty call. As soon as you say it’s too late or you’re not available, he disappears again until the next time he’s bored and looking for a good time.
12. He ignores your messages
You’ve noticed that he takes much longer to reply to your texts, and sometimes he doesn’t even bother replying. You only exist when it’s convenient for him, and he couldn’t care less about how you feel or what you have to say.
13. He keeps you a secret
He’s never introduced you to his family or friends, and you’re pretty sure he’s never even mentioned you. It’s like you don’t even exist in his life, and he’s embarrassed to be seen with you in public. You have no idea why he’s ashamed of you, but it makes you feel unwanted and alone.
14. He never offers to pay
You don’t expect him to pay for everything, but it would be nice if he offered to pick up the tab occasionally. But no matter how often you go out together, he always expects you to foot the bill. And when you suggest sharing the cost, he always finds a way to talk you out of it by claiming he doesn’t have enough cash on him.
15. He’s selfish in the bedroom
In the bedroom, it’s all about him and what he wants. He never asks you what you like or if you’re enjoying yourself; he just expects you to make him happy.
16. He’s not interested in your family or friends
When you try to introduce him to your friends or family, he always has excuses not to meet them. And when you finally manage to get him to come to an event, he embarrasses you by being sullen and withdrawn the whole time. He clearly doesn’t care about getting to know the people who are important to you.
17. He avoids labels
He says he doesn’t want to rush into things, but it’s been months, and you’re still not even sure if you’re exclusive. You’ve asked him about it directly, but he always dodges the question or changes the subject. And when he introduces you to anyone, he always introduces you as “a friend.”
18. He doesn’t listen to you
Whenever you try to talk to him about anything serious, he doesn’t listen at all. He might nod and say, “uh huh,” but it’s clear he’s not paying attention. He’s got his head buried in his phone, and he barely musters the enthusiasm to pretend he cares.
19. He doesn’t value your opinion
You might as well not even open your mouth because he’s not interested in hearing what you have to say. He always has to have the last word and never considers your opinion, no matter how valid it might be.
20. You can’t be yourself around him
It’s a huge red flag if you feel like you can’t be yourself around your partner. You should be able to relax and let down your guard, but that’s impossible with him. He judges and critiques everything you do, making you feel like you’re never good enough.
21. He threatens to dump you
Even if you have a minor disagreement, he uses the threat of breaking up with you as a weapon to get what he wants. He knows it makes you upset, and he loves to see you begging and pleading with him not to leave.
22. He breadcrumbs you
Breadcrumbing is when someone texts you just enough to keep you interested but never actually makes any concrete plans. It’s a form of emotional manipulation designed to string you along and ensure you’re still an option for him when he’s bored or doesn’t have a better offer.
23. He’s only affectionate to get sex
When he’s looking for some action, he’s all over you. He’ll kiss you, touch you, and say all the right things to make you think he cares. But as soon as he gets what he wants, he returns to his usual cold and distant self.
24. He ruins special occasions
You should be able to count on your partner to make special occasions even more special, but he always manages to ruin them. He’s either late, forgets entirely, or shows up in a bad mood and makes the whole event about his drama.
25. He blames you for his problems
He always finds a way to blame you no matter what goes wrong in his life. You’re either the reason things are going wrong, or you’re not doing enough to improve them. But whenever you try to offer him advice or support, he accuses you of trying to control him.
26. He ignores you around other girls
As soon as he sees an attractive girl, he completely ignores you. He’ll start flirting with her right in front of you and won’t even bother trying to hide it. And when you call him out on it, he’ll say that you’re being paranoid and overly possessive.
27. He refuses to compromise
No relationship can survive without compromise, but he’s not interested in making any sacrifices for you. He always has to have things his way, and he’s not willing to budge on anything, no matter how important it is to you.
28. You never go on actual dates
His idea of a date is hanging out at your place, watching TV, and fooling around. He has no interest in spending quality time with you outside the bedroom. And when you try to suggest something different, he’s always too busy or tired.
29. He guards his phone
Being secretive with his phone is a big red flag that he’s hiding something from you. He’s always got it close to him and makes sure you never see what’s on the screen. If you happen to catch a glimpse, he quickly shuts it off or puts it away.
30. Your friends don’t trust him
Your friends have your best interests at heart, so it’s a red flag if they don’t trust your partner. They can see that he’s not interested in you, and they’re worried that he’s just using you for his own benefit.
31. He has a bad reputation
If he has a reputation for being a player or a womanizer, there’s a good chance he’s living up to that reputation. He’s probably using you for sex and never intends to be in a committed relationship with you.
Why is he using you?
Now that we’ve looked at all the signs that he’s using you, let’s take a closer look at why he might be treating you this way.
1. He’s using you for sex
Some guys will happily use you for sex if they can get away with it. You should never let him pressure you into having sex if you don’t feel like it or agree to do anything in the bedroom that makes you uncomfortable.
To be clear, it’s okay if sex is the main focus of your relationship, as long as you both feel the same way. But if you’re looking for something deeper and more committed, you’re better off dumping him and finding a new guy interested in the complete package.
2. He’s using you to boost his ego
He could be using you to boost his ego and make himself feel better about his life. Maybe he loves the attention you give him and the way you make him feel. Or perhaps he enjoys the thrill of making other guys jealous when he walks into a room with you on his arm.
3. He’s scared to be alone
If your guy is scared to be alone, he may be using you to fill that empty space in his life. He doesn’t want to face his fears or deal with his emotions, so he seeks comfort in you instead.
Of course, giving and receiving emotional support is a good thing in a relationship. But it’s not a good sign if he’s only using you as a crutch to compensate for the fact that he can’t get his life together.
4. He’s using you for money
If he takes advantage of your generosity, he may be using you for your money. Even if he’s in a tough spot financially, it’s not your job to support him unless you’re in a committed relationship and have agreed to do so.
If you’re constantly shelling out cash for dates or picking up the tab, it’s time to talk with him about your financial boundaries. You deserve to be with someone who wants you for more than your cash.
5. He doesn’t know what he wants
Sometimes, a guy will use you because he doesn’t know what he wants. He’s confused about his feelings, so he strings you along in hopes that something will eventually click.
He may develop stronger feelings for you over time and treat you better, but most guys in this situation will continue to use you until they find someone that interests them more.
6. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing
Is there a chance your guy doesn’t realize he’s using you? He may be so wrapped up in his own life that he doesn’t see how his actions affect you. Maybe he’s going through a tough time or feels under a lot of stress at work.
Whatever the reason, it’s not an excuse for him to take advantage of you. But once you explain how you feel, he may be shocked at his behavior and make an effort to change.
7. He’s a player
If he’s known for being a player, there’s a good chance he’s using you. For all you know, he’s hooking up with a different girl every night while leading you on.
What can you do if he’s using you?
1. Be honest with yourself
Firstly, you need to be honest with yourself and accept that he’s using you. Many women will try to convince themselves that their guy is a good person, even when his behavior says otherwise.
2. Talk to him about it
Next, you need to talk to him about it and tell him how his behavior makes you feel. It’s important to learn whether he’s a bad guy or if there’s some other reason he’s unintentionally mistreating you. For example, if he’s depressed or confused about his feelings, he may not realize he’s taking it out on you.
If he’s genuinely sorry for what he’s done and is willing to change, then there’s a chance you can save the relationship. But if he doesn’t want to change or tries to make excuses, it’s time to move on.
3. Set boundaries
If you decide to give him a chance, you must set clear boundaries to ensure he doesn’t take advantage of you in the future. For example, if he only calls you when he wants to hook up, make it clear that you will not just be his booty call. Or, if he often cancels plans on you at the last minute, set a rule that he has to give you more notice.
It’s also important to maintain your own life and not get too wrapped up in him. Don’t drop everything when he wants to see you, and don’t ignore your friends and hobbies just to be available to him.
4. Prepare to walk away
If he doesn’t want to change or can’t meet your needs, then it’s time to end the relationship and walk away. Ending things may be hard, but it’s not worth staying in a relationship with someone who only wants you for their own benefit. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you.
If you’re unsure whether to stay or go, it can also be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor. They can help you sort out your feelings and make the best decision for your wellbeing.
