This post may include affiliate links to products we think you'll find useful. We may earn a small commission if you buy through these links. Read our affiliate disclosure.
Do you feel like a potential partner has been stringing you along? Perhaps you feel confused and frustrated by the mixed signals they give you over text or social media. Or maybe you have an uneasy feeling they’re only pretending to be interested in you.
If that sounds familiar, chances are you’re a victim of breadcrumbing.
If you’ve never heard of breadcrumbing before, don’t worry. It’s a relatively new dating move that’s become much more common in the age of texting, dating apps, and social media.
Today I’ll show you all the signs to look out for that you’re being breadcrumbed and give you plenty of advice and examples on how to handle the situation.
What is breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing is when a potential love interest gives you just enough attention to keep you interested but not enough to move the relationship forward.
The name comes from the old fairy tale of Hansel and Gretel, in which the children leave a trail of breadcrumbs to find their way back home. When you’re being breadcrumbed, the other person gives you just enough “crumbs” of attention to keep you interested, but never enough to fully commit or take the relationship to the next level.
Breadcrumbers typically send out superficial flirty texts or social media messages, but they never follow up with plans to meet in person. Or they may make tentative plans but always seem to cancel at the last minute. When you text them, they often don’t answer for days or weeks and then suddenly make contact again without any explanation for their disappearance.
This cycle keeps repeating just enough to keep you on the hook. Whenever you get a text or message, you get a little thrill of hope that maybe they’ll actually follow through this time. But they have no intention of trying to build a lasting connection with you.
Signs you’re being breadcrumbed
Here are all the common signs to watch out for that you’re being breadcrumbed.
1. They take days or weeks to respond to your messages
If you’re the one who always initiates contact and the other person takes days or even weeks to respond, that’s a major red flag. Their delay keeps you in suspense and makes you think about them and miss them. They know that the longer they wait to respond, the more they can get in your head.
And when they do eventually respond, they never explain what they’ve been doing or why they took so long. They act like everything is normal, and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t pick up right where you left off.
2. Their conversations are superficial
When you do manage to get a response from a breadcrumber, their responses are always short and superficial. They never want to have a deep conversation about anything important.
They ask closed-ended questions that can be answered with a single word, like “how are you?” or “what’s up?” They never want to know how your day was or what’s really going on in your life.
While the conversations are always superficial, their texts might be flirty or even sexual in nature. They’ll send you heart emojis, talk about how hot you are, or make suggestive remarks. But when you try to take the conversation to the next level and ask them out on a date, they always brush you off or don’t respond at all.
3. They never make concrete plans
Breadcrumbers are notoriously flaky, and they never make concrete plans. They’ll say they want to see you, but they always have an excuse when you try to nail down a time and place.
For example, “We should catch up soon!” quickly turns into, “I’m too busy this week, but maybe next week?” And then next week comes and goes with no word from them.
These vague and evasive statements are just another way of keeping you interested without actually having to follow through.
4. They cancel plans at the last minute
If a breadcrumber does manage to make concrete plans with you, they always seem to have some emergency come up at the last minute and have to cancel.
It might be a fake work emergency or a sick friend, but whatever the excuse, it always happens at the last minute when you’re already getting ready for your date. This leaves you feeling disappointed and frustrated but also still hopeful that maybe next time will be different.
Even worse, they might not even turn up at all and contact you a few days later as if nothing happened.
5. They only contact you when they need something
Breadcrumbers only reach out when they need something from you. Often they’re interested in a casual hookup with no strings attached, but it might also be a shoulder to cry on or someone willing to listen to their problems.
6. They pretend to be interested in you
A breadcrumber will find out a few things about your life, but they’re only doing this so they can pretend to have a shared connection with you.
For example, they might say they love art after discovering that you like to paint or draw from your social media profiles. Or if you mention that you love a particular band, they’ll claim to be their biggest fan.
When you turn the tables and ask them about what they like, they’ll give you evasive answers or quickly change the subject. They don’t want you to know anything about them because they’re not interested in building a real connection with you.
7. They like all your social media posts
Liking all your social media posts is an easy way for a breadcrumber to keep you interested without actually having to put in any effort. If you’re very lucky, they might even leave a short comment or emoji just to make sure you’re still thinking about them.
But as soon as you send them a private message or try to start a deeper conversation, they quickly disappear again.
8. You feel like you’re always chasing them
In a healthy relationship, both partners are equally invested and make an effort to contact each other regularly. But with a breadcrumber, you’re always the one chasing them. You’re the one sending them messages first, trying to set up plans, and constantly trying to keep the conversation going.
While it’s normal to put in a bit more effort at the beginning of a relationship, it shouldn’t be one-sided like this. If you’re always doing all the work, it’s not a real relationship.
9. They send a lot of GIFs & Emojis
Everyone uses GIFs and Emojis in their texts these days, but a breadcrumber will take it to the next level. They’ll send you GIFs all day long, but they’re never actually interested in having a conversation with you. It’s just another way of avoiding real conversation while still keeping you on the hook.
10. They blow hot and cold
A breadcrumber will be all over you for a few days, but then they suddenly go cold and ignore you for weeks at a time. This hot and cold behavior makes you feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster and keeps you hooked even though you know it’s not good for you.
You’re getting just enough attention to keep your hopes up but not enough to satisfy you. As a result, you’re constantly left wanting more and chasing after them.
11. They never talk about their feelings
Talking about feelings implies that a breadcrumber actually cares about you and wants to build a real connection with you. But that’s the last thing they want, so they’ll do everything they can to avoid any serious conversations.
They might make jokes whenever you try to talk about your relationship or emotional topics, or they might just completely change the subject.
12. They briefly pay attention when you call them on it
When you call a breadcrumber on their manipulative behavior, they’ll often briefly pay attention and try to be more responsive for a short period of time. But it never lasts, and soon they’re back to their old ways.
13. They often text at night
There are three good reasons why breadcrumbers like to text at night.
- If they’re looking for a booty call, they know you’re more likely to be available late at night.
- And if they’re just trying to keep you interested, texting you before bed is a great way to make sure you’re thinking about them right before you go to sleep.
- Finally, texting at night makes it easier to avoid committing to concrete plans. They can just say, “Let’s lock something in tomorrow,” and pretend they forgot all about it the next day.
14. They know how to string you along
Breadcrumbers are masters at knowing when you’re about to give up on them, and they’ll always find a way to string you along for just a little bit longer.
It might be a last-minute text asking to hang out or a flirty comment about how much fun you had the last time you saw each other. They know exactly what to say to make sure you give them one more chance.
15. They are only interested in sex
Many breadcrumbers do it because it’s an easy way to arrange casual hook-ups. They often have multiple people interested in them at the time, and they rotate through their list for as long as the victims are willing to put up with their behavior.
How to deal with breadcrumbing
How should you deal with it if you realize that you’re being breadcrumbed? After all, breadcrumbing can be a form of emotional abuse, and you should be very cautious before continuing to have a “relationship” with this person.
1. Decide if you want to keep seeing them
The first step is to decide if you actually want to keep seeing this person. If they’re only interested in casual hookups and you’re looking for something more serious, then it’s not worth your time to continue seeing them.
On the other hand, if you’re both on the same page about the casual nature of your relationship, then you might be willing to continue seeing them on their terms.
But even in this case, you should still set some boundaries and make it clear that you’re not going to tolerate being ghosted or treated disrespectfully.
2. Establish personal boundaries
Setting personal boundaries means thinking about what you’re willing to tolerate in a relationship.
For example, you might be okay with casual hook-ups, and you don’t mind if they see other people as well. Or you might be okay with only seeing them once a week but not with them constantly flaking on plans.
It’s important to be clear about your boundaries so that you feel respected and the other person knows what you expect from them.
3. Communicate your expectations
Once you’ve established your personal boundaries, it’s time to communicate your expectations to the other person. This can be a difficult conversation, but it’s essential to be clear about what you want.
If you want a real relationship, make it clear that they need to prioritize spending quality time with you, and you expect them to be an equal partner. This means texting you back, making concrete plans, and respecting your time.
4. Call them on their behavior
There’s no point in setting expectations if you don’t actually enforce them. If the other person starts to breadcrumb you again, call them out on it and make it clear that you’re not going to continue to tolerate their behavior.
5. Be prepared to walk away
If they don’t change their behavior, you need to be prepared to walk away. This means cutting off all contact with them and moving on with your life. It might not be easy, but you deserve better than being someone’s backup plan.
How to respond to breadcrumbing via text
The following examples will help you test whether you’re being breadcrumbed and shut down this toxic behavior before it gets too bad.
1. Only text them back during the day
If they only ever text you at night, it’s a clear sign that they’re only interested in hooking up. Resist responding to them until the following day and see if they’re still willing to have a conversation.
“Hey, I saw your text last night, but I was about to head off to bed. What’s up? What have you got on for today?”
If they aren’t breadcrumbing you, they’ll reply and be happy to have a conversation during the day. But if they are, expect them to ignore you and try again in a couple of nights.
2. Ask them to meet you at a specific time
If your breadcrumber is trying to avoid making concrete plans to see you, offer them a specific place and time to meet you and get them to commit.
“Hey, I’m free at 6 pm on Saturday. How about we meet up for a drink at that new bar in town?”
If you do this multiple times and they don’t respond, you’ll know that they’re not interested in seeing you, and it’s time to move on.
3. Make them reschedule plans when they flake on you
What about if they agree to meet you but keep canceling plans at the last minute? All you need to do is put it back on them and make them reschedule the plans when they flake.
“You’ve canceled our catchup three times now, so I’ll let you arrange a time and place. Just let me know what works for you.”
You’ve now put the ball firmly in their court, and they need to make an effort to actually see you. If they don’t, then you’ll know they are breadcrumbing you.
4. Ask them what they want from the relationship
A great way to bring closure to a breadcrumbing situation is to flat out ask them what they want out of the relationship.
“Hey, I’m feeling confused about where I stand with you. Can we please talk about where our relationship is going?”
I realize this sounds very direct, but there’s no better way to find out if they’re serious about you or not. If they can’t give you a straight answer, you can kick them to the curb and find someone who will appreciate being in a mature relationship with you.
5. Tell them what you want
Even if you’re happy with their breadcrumbing ways, you should make it very clear that you know what they’re doing. Personally, I think your self-respect demands it.
“Just to be clear, I don’t want anything more than casual dating right now. I’m happy to keep things light and fun, but that’s all I’m looking for.”
6. Tell them when you’ve had enough
If they refuse to treat you with respect, it’s time to call things off. You don’t need to be mean about it – just let them know that you want different things.
“I really like you, but I’m looking for a more serious relationship, so this isn’t going to work. Good luck in the future.
Why do people breadcrumb?
If you’ve been subjected to breadcrumbing, you know how terrible it can make you feel. So why do people do it? Are they complete narcissists who like to play with people’s feelings?
Not always. Here are some common reasons why people might breadcrumb:
1. They’re afraid of commitment
Fear of commitment is a very common reason why people breadcrumb. The person might like you a lot, but they’re incapable of committing to a mature relationship, so they string you along to try and have the best of both worlds.
Some of these breadcrumbers might not even be aware that they’re doing it, and they don’t intentionally mean to hurt you.
2. They’re trying to keep their options open
Breadcrumbers are often people who want to have their cake and eat it too. They want the benefits of a relationship (companionship, sex, etc.) but they don’t want to fully commit to just one person.
3. They like the attention
Some breadcrumbers just crave attention, and they love the feeling of having someone interested in them. They get an ego boost from knowing that someone is waiting on their every word, and they enjoy leading them on.
Many of these people suffer from low self-esteem, and they use breadcrumbing to feel better about themselves.
4. You’re their backup plan
This one is tough to hear, but it’s a sad reality of dating. Some people use others as a backup plan in case their first choice doesn’t work out.
These breadcrumbers will keep you on the back burner until they find someone better, and then they’ll drop you like a hot potato. If you’re dating someone like this, you deserve so much better.
5. They’re just really bad at communicating
In some cases, people breadcrumb because they’re bad at communicating their feelings. They might want a relationship with you, but they don’t know how to express it, so they unintentionally send you mixed signals.
6. They’re afraid to be alone
Messaging people in their network is a way for some breadcrumbers to ward off feelings of loneliness. The number of people responding to their breadcrumbs gives them a sense of security and significance, which temporarily eases feelings of anxiety or insecurity.
What is the difference between breadcrumbing and gaslighting?
Breadcrumbing is when someone leads you on by giving you just enough attention to keep you interested but not enough to actually move the relationship forward.
Gaslighting is when someone intentionally tries to make you doubt your own reality and memory. It’s a serious form of emotional abuse that can be incredibly difficult to deal with.
If you think you’re being gaslighted, it’s important to reach out to a friend or family member for support and to get some outside perspective. Gaslighting is a serious issue, and it’s not something you should try to deal with on your own.
Is breadcrumbing ever okay?
If you’re both looking for something casual and not interested in a committed relationship, then there’s no harm in stringing each other along.
A certain amount of breadcrumbing is also okay in the very early stages of dating. You’re not sure if you’re interested in the person yet, and you don’t want to commit fully, so you give them just enough attention to keep them interested.
However, this stage shouldn’t last long unless you’re both on the same page that you want to keep things casual.
As soon as one person wants more from the relationship than the other, breadcrumbing becomes an issue.
