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Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style can be frustrating and stressful. You constantly feel like you’re pushing for more intimacy and closeness while they seem to be pulling away.
But just because someone has an avoidant attachment style doesn’t mean they don’t want intimacy at all. In fact, many people with avoidant attachment styles actually crave close relationships – they’re just terrified of commitment and showing vulnerability.
Once you learn to spot the signs that an avoidant loves you, it will help reassure you that your relationship isn’t doomed. And it can also help you to understand how to best support and nurture your partner.
A summary of adult attachment styles
John Bowlby initially developed the concept of attachment theory in the late 1960s to explain the bond between a child and their primary caregiver.
He proposed that attachment styles are formed during childhood and continue into adulthood. Parents and caregivers who are consistently responsive to a child’s needs will encourage the development of a secure attachment style. Conversely, parents who are inconsistently available – or even abusive – will result in an insecure attachment style.
In the 1990s, Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz expanded on Bowlby’s work and proposed that there are four distinct attachment styles in adulthood:
Secure attachment
People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. They can also express their emotions freely and don’t mind being dependent on others.
Anxious-preoccupied attachment
People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style want close relationships but often feel insecure and worried that their partner doesn’t reciprocate their feelings. They may feel clingy or needy and have difficulty being alone.
Dismissive-avoidant attachment
People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style fear intimacy and do everything they can to avoid getting too close to their partner. They often seem emotionally distant or unavailable and may have trouble expressing emotions.
Fearful-avoidant attachment
People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style want close relationships but are terrified of intimacy. They often oscillate between wanting to be close to their partner and pushing them away and may have a history of tumultuous relationships.
Signs an avoidant is in love with you
Despite their fear of intimacy, many avoidant attachment types do crave intimate relationships. Here are 17 signs that an avoidant loves you.
1. They break through their own barriers
Avoidant attachment types put up a lot of emotional and physical barriers to prevent themselves from having to show any intimacy or vulnerability. But when they fall in love, you might notice that they start to break their own rules without even realizing it.
For example, they might begin to open up about their feelings and emotions or let you into their personal space. They might also start to rely on you more and turn to you for support in times of need.
If you notice this happening, don’t make a big deal out of it – just let them know that you love them and feel honored that they trust you enough to let their guard down.
2. They show vulnerability
Showing any vulnerability is very difficult for avoidant attachment types. But if they’re in love with you, they’ll start to lower their defenses and allow you to see their more vulnerable side.
Perhaps they begin to share some of their fears and insecurities with you or become more emotionally open and expressive.
Showing any sign of vulnerability is a huge sign of trust and intimacy, so be sure to let them know that you appreciate it.
3. They make the first move
It’s a big deal when an avoidant makes the first move on anything in your relationship – initiating intimacy, saying “I love you” first, or even texting you out of the blue. It means they’re comfortable enough with you to take the lead and willing to put themselves in a position where they might face rejection.
4. They reach out for emotional support
Avoidant types are fiercely protective of their independence, which often leads them to bottle up their emotions and suppress any need for support. If your avoidant partner starts to come to you for help or advice, you can be sure that their feelings for you are real.
It’s not always easy for them to reach out, so be sure to let them know that you’re there for them and appreciate their trust in you.
5. Their behavior is more consistent
Hot and cold behavior is a typical relationship pattern for avoidant attachment types. They might be all over you one minute and then completely withdraw the next. But their behavior will likely become more consistent when they’re in love with you.
You’ll probably notice that they’re more reliable and predictable and make more effort to stay connected with you even when they feel overwhelmed or anxious.
6. They talk about their past
A big part of avoiding intimacy is refusing to talk about the past – especially anything that might be emotional or difficult to share. But if your partner starts to open up about their childhood, family, or previous relationships, it’s a good sign that they’re comfortable enough with you to let you in.
7. They don’t pull away when things get tough
Fear of rejection is often a massive trigger for avoidant attachment types, and they’ll go to great lengths to avoid any conflict or emotional difficulties in their relationships. But if they’re in love with you, they won’t pull away when things get tough – even if it’s hard for them. They’ll be more likely to face challenges head-on and work through difficult times together. T
8. They introduce you to family and friends
If your partner introduces you to their family and friends, it shows they’re serious about the relationship and see you as a long-term partner.
9. Their physical intimacy increases
Many avoidant attachment types have no problem with sex because it’s possible to have sex with very little sense of emotional intimacy. But if your partner starts to want more physical intimacy – cuddling, sex, holding hands, etc. – it’s a good sign that they’re opening up to you emotionally and want a deeper connection.
10. They start to depend on you
Independence is extremely important to avoidant attachment types, and they often go to great lengths to maintain it in their relationships. But if they start to depend on you for emotional support, advice, or day-to-day tasks, it’s a good sign that they trust you and see you as a valuable part of their life.
11. They want to spend more time with you
The best way to avoid progressing a relationship is to limit the time you spend together. But if your partner wants to spend more time with you, it could be a clue that they’re falling in love.
12. They talk about the future with you
One of the most beautiful aspects of being in a relationship is being able to plan for the future together.
Perhaps they’ve started talking about moving in together, getting married, or having children. Or maybe they mention things like taking a trip together next year or going to a friend’s wedding in six months.
Either way, it’s a good sign that they’re serious about the relationship and see you as a part of their future.
13. Your relationship is progressing
Relationships with avoidant types often feel stagnant and like they aren’t progressing through the normal stages. But if your relationship is moving forward and you’re experiencing all the usual escalation in commitment and intimacy, it’s a good sign that your partner is falling
In love with you.
Just keep in mind that avoidant types will likely take things much slower than other attachment types, so don’t expect them to move at the same pace as you. Just be patient and let them progress at their own speed.
14. They don’t get jealous
Even though avoidant types value their independence, they often suffer from jealousy because they fear rejection. If you notice that your partner is more comfortable with you talking to other people or doesn’t get jealous when you talk about exes, it shows that they’re beginning to trust you and feel secure in your relationship.
15. They can handle feedback and criticism
Conflict avoidance is a common trait among avoidant attachment types. They often have difficulty handling negative emotions, so they do whatever they can to avoid conflict. But if your partner takes feedback and criticism without getting defensive or shutting down, they are obviously committed to the relationship and willing to work through difficult times.
16. They make more effort for you
Even if it’s hard to spot the more subtle signs, you’ll generally feel that your avoidant partner is making more effort for you than they have in the past. If they’re going out of their way to do things for you or making more of an effort to be involved in your life, it’s a good sign that they love you and want the relationship to work.
17. They finally tell you they love you
Of course, the most obvious sign that your avoidant partner loves you is if they actually tell you. They might not say it as much as you’d like, but the fact that they’re willing to say it at all is a big deal.
The easy way to make any guy commit to you
All men have a biological urge to feel useful and needed in their relationships. They crave the chance to step up and test their strengths and abilities.
This urge comes from a time when men had to compete to survive and protect their families from wild animals and rival tribes. Even though life was hard, they were constantly challenged and lived lives of purpose and meaning.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the “hero instinct,” and it explains why so many women struggle to attract guys and keep them committed.
The stakes are much lower today, but the need to feel useful remains deeply rooted in male biology. If a man doesn’t feel useful and needed in his relationship, he constantly feels like something is missing. These lingering doubts prevent him from fully committing and eventually cause him to go cold, emotionally pull away, or even be unfaithful.
The amazing thing is that you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct in any man. And when you do, you’ll give him exactly what he’s missing and make him feel deeply satisfied and content in your relationship. You’ll become his biggest priority and destroy any fear of commitment lingering in the back of his mind.
When you trigger a man’s hero instinct, he becomes comfortable fully investing in your relationship because he knows he’ll never need anyone else. In a matter of days, you’ll notice him become more protective, committed, and attracted to you than you ever dreamed was possible.
Never again will you have to deal with his hot and cold behavior, distance, or silence. He’ll think you’re reading his mind, and he’ll thank you for it every day.
So how do you trigger the hero instinct in a man?
This free video presentation from James Bauer will show you exactly what to say, what texts to send, and what to ask your man to trigger his hero instinct and make him want to work for your love and admiration.
It sounds almost too good to be true, but James’ techniques use proven psychology to tap into the deepest desires that all men feel.
If you’re struggling because your man seems distant or you can’t get him to commit, this will be the most eye-opening presentation you have ever seen.
Here’s the link to the free video again.
Signs you’re dating an avoidant
People with avoidant attachment styles view intimacy as a threat and will do everything possible to avoid it. They’re often afraid of being rejected or abandoned and may have a history of unstable relationships. Here are some signs to look for that you’re dating an avoidant:
1. They run hot and cold
Hot and cold behavior is when someone acts very interested in you and then pulls away and becomes distant. This behavior is often a defense mechanism avoidant attachment types use to avoid intimacy – when they start to feel close to you, they pull away because it’s too scary.
2. They breadcrumb you
Breadcrumbing is another form of hot and cold behavior. It involves leading someone on by sending mixed signals – they’ll text, flirt with you, and make plans but then cancel at the last minute or never follow through. This behavior keeps the other person interested while also maintaining distance.
3. They avoid emotional conversations
Whenever a conversation gets too deep or starts to veer into emotional territory, an avoidant will change the subject or make a joke to lighten the mood. They’re not interested in having intimate conversations and would rather keep things surface-level.
4. They don’t like to show vulnerability or weakness
Showing any kind of vulnerability or weakness is a big no-no for people with avoidant attachment styles. They see it as a sign of weakness and are terrified of being rejected or abandoned if they let their guard down.
5. They fear rejection and intimacy at the same time
For people suffering from fearful-attachment anxiety, the thought of both rejection and intimacy is too much to handle. They want close relationships but are terrified of being hurt, so they often push people away. This flip-flopping can be confusing and frustrating because you never really know where you stand.
6. They are fiercely independent & self-sufficient
There’s nothing wrong with being independent and self-sufficient, but for people with avoidant attachment styles, it’s a way to avoid getting too close to anyone. They don’t want to rely on anyone else and may go to great lengths to prove that they don’t need anyone.
7. They avoid relationship labels
As a relationship progresses, it’s natural to start talking about labels like “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” or “partner.” But for people with avoidant attachment styles, these labels can be very scary. They will try to keep things casual for as long as possible or may outright avoid talking about the status of your relationship.
8. They reject the concept of love
A common strategy of avoidant personalities is to dismiss the very concept of love. They may say things like “love is overrated” or “love is just a chemical reaction.” By rejecting love, they don’t have to face their fear of intimacy.
9. They never ask for emotional help or support
Asking for any kind of emotional help or support is a big sign of weakness for people with avoidant attachment styles. They would rather deal with their problems alone and may get angry if you try to offer help.
10. They often have trust issues
People with avoidant attachment styles often have trust issues because they fear rejection or abandonment. They may be slow to trust you and may constantly test you to see if you’re really there for them.
How to successfully date an avoidant
As you can see, dating an avoidant has its share of challenges. But it’s not impossible, and there are ways to make it work. Here are a few tips:
1. Don’t take their behavior personally
It’s important to remember that avoidant behavior is often a defense mechanism and has nothing to do with you. Even though the lack of intimacy can be frustrating and make you feel unwanted, remember that it’s not personal or your fault.
2. Don’t try to fix them
Trying to “fix” someone with an avoidant attachment style is a fruitless endeavor. Attachment types form in childhood, and the behaviors are deeply ingrained. It’s not something that you can change overnight, so don’t try to force them into being someone they’re not.
3. Give them space
The best way to deal with an avoidant partner is to give them the space they need. If they need some time alone, let them have it. Don’t take it personally, and don’t try to push them into being more affectionate or intimate than they are comfortable with.
4. Build trust slowly
Your avoidant partner may have difficulty trusting you, so it’s essential to be patient and build trust slowly. Don’t push them too hard or try to force them into confiding in you before they’re ready. Just let them know that you’re there for them when they’re prepared to open up.
5. Be honest about your needs
It’s very important to be honest about your needs when you’re in a relationship with someone who has emotional difficulties. If you’re feeling neglected or ignored, tell them directly. Don’t try to manipulate them into giving you the attention you crave. Just be honest and let them know what you need.
6. Don’t change yourself for them
It’s also essential that you don’t try to change yourself to fit their needs. This will only lead to resentment and emotional difficulties down the road. Be yourself, and let them decide if they can accept you for who you are.
7. Live your own life
Always make sure you’re living your own life, independent of your relationship. This is especially important with avoidant partners, who may make you feel neglected or unloved. Make sure you have your own friends, hobbies, and interests outside of the relationship.
8. Listen more than you talk
A great rule of thumb to follow when you’re in a relationship with someone avoidant is to listen more than you talk. Listening gives your partner the space to open up on their terms and comes across as much less threatening than trying to pressure them to talk.
9. Avoid emotional outbursts
It’s also important to avoid any emotional outbursts or drama. Getting emotional will only push them further away and make them less likely to open up to you. If you’re feeling hurt or frustrated, try to express yourself in a calm and rational way.
10. Have patience
Patience is the most valuable skill you can have when dating an avoidant. It takes time to build trust and intimacy, so don’t expect things to happen overnight. Just take things one day at a time, and be there for them when they’re ready to open up.
11. Consider couples therapy
Have you tried everything and still can’t seem to make things work? If you’re struggling to communicate with your avoidant partner, it may be helpful to see a therapist or counselor together. Having the advice of a neutral and supportive third party can help you to spot negative patterns and improve communication.
12. Know when to walk away
In some sad cases, it’s simply impossible to make things work with an avoidant partner. If you’ve tried everything and you’re still not getting your needs met, it may be time to consider walking away. It’s not easy, but sometimes ending a relationship is the best thing for both of you in the long run.
FAQs
How do you make an avoidant miss you?
Giving plenty of space is the best way to make an avoidant miss you. If they need time alone, don’t take it personally and don’t try to force them into being more affectionate than they are comfortable with. Just let them know that you’re there for them when they’re ready to open up.
Do avoidants crave love?
Even though it can appear like avoidant attachment types don’t crave love, this isn’t necessarily the case. They may have difficulty expressing their emotions or may be afraid of intimacy, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want a close and loving relationship.
What attracts an avoidant partner?
People with avoidant attachment styles are often attracted to independent people who aren’t looking for a serious relationship. This allows them to maintain their independence and avoid any feelings of intimacy or commitment.
What is the difference between an avoidant and a narcissist?
Narcissists tend to be more manipulative and controlling, while people with avoidant attachment styles simply have difficulty forming close attachments. Narcissists also tend to be more self-centered and lack empathy, while avoidants may be afraid of intimacy.
What happens when you stop chasing an avoidant?
When you stop chasing an avoidant partner, they will often temporarily draw closer to you because they feel a sense of relief that you’re no longer pushing them for more attention and intimacy. However, this usually doesn’t last long, and they will eventually pull away again and continue their hot and cold cycle of behavior.
How do you make an avoidant feel safe?
The best way to make an avoidant feel safe is to give them plenty of space and avoid any emotional outbursts. If they feel suffocated or like you’re constantly pushing them to open up, it will only make them feel more defensive and less likely to let you in. Just be patient and understanding, and give them the time and space they need.
