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Do you feel like you’re not a priority in your relationship? Perhaps you’re the only one making any effort, or maybe your partner is only interested in spending time with you when they don’t have a better option.
No one likes to feel like they’re an afterthought, and it’s easy to find yourself ignoring the signs or rationalizing bad behavior. But the truth is, if you’re regularly being treated like an option and not a priority, it’s time to set clear boundaries and be prepared to walk away.
Here are 15 signs that you’re an option, not a priority in your relationship.
1. You make all the effort
The most unmistakable sign that you’re not a priority is when you’re the one making all the effort to keep the relationship going.
You plan and schedule every date, and you can’t remember the last time they went out of their way to organize something special. You initiate every conversation, and you’re not convinced they would ever bother to text you if you didn’t reach out first. You always offer support during difficult times, but they’re nowhere to be found when you need a helping hand. They’re not interested in hearing about your day or how your latest project is going, and they leave you feeling like your problems are a burden.
In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel equally invested and supported in the relationship. Of course, you can’t expect them to be available 24/7, but the minimum requirement is to show up when you need them and to be interested in your life.
2. They blow hot and cold
Blowing hot and cold is a common sign that you’re not a priority. One day, you have a fantastic time together and feel like everything is going great. They’re affectionate, loving, and attentive, and you feel like you’re finally on the same page.
But the next day, they act as if you don’t exist, and you’re left confused and wondering what went wrong. They withdraw their affection, are distant and cold, and make you feel like you need to chase them to get any attention.
Even worse, you never know what mood they will be in, so you’re always walking on eggshells around them. You can never relax or be yourself and end up feeling frustrated and exhausted by their constant mood swings.
This hot & cold behavior is a way to keep you at arm’s length so that they can have their cake and eat it too. It’s a form of breadcrumbing, where they give you just enough attention to keep you hooked but not enough to commit fully. They want the benefits of being in a relationship with you, but they’re not prepared to make any effort.
3. They often cancel plans
You make plans with them for the weekend, and you’re excited to finally introduce them to family or friends. But predictably, they cancel again at the last minute, leaving you feeling disappointed and let down.
It’s embarrassing to tell your friends that they’ve canceled again, so you make excuses. But deep down, you know they found something more interesting to do or couldn’t be bothered to meet the most important people in your life.
Look, sometimes things come up, and plans have to change. But if this is a regular occurrence, it’s a sign that you’re not a priority in their life. They don’t value your time or respect your schedule, and they’re not interested in making any effort to accommodate you.
And just as bad, they will call you at the last minute if someone more special cancels on them. Suddenly, you’re promoted to their first choice, and they can’t wait to see you.
4. They refuse to compromise
A healthy relationship is built on compromise. The problem is that you go out of your way to make things work for them, but they refuse to make any sacrifices for you.
You’re always the one changing your plans, giving up your time, or going out of your way to make things easier for them. They always choose where you go for dinner, what movie you watch, or what you do on weekends.
A relationship should be two-way, but they’re always taking and never giving. They don’t consider your needs or wants and refuse to budge on anything that doesn’t benefit them.
It’s not like you’re asking them to change their entire lifestyle for you – all you want is for them to meet you halfway. But they’re not interested in making any sacrifices and only see things from their own perspective.
5. You don’t feel supported
Whether you’re dealing with a personal issue or professional setback, you need to know that your partner has your back.
But instead of offering support during tough times, they ignore you and make light of your situation. They make you feel like a burden and an annoyance and say things like “I’m too busy for this” or “you’re overreacting” as a way to shut you down.
They’re not interested in hearing about your problems or offering any advice, and they certainly don’t want to do anything to help you. It’s like they’re not even there for you, and you feel utterly alone during the most challenging times in your life.
6. You have to make excuses for them
Do you find yourself constantly making excuses for your partner’s bad behavior? Most excuses are to yourself, but you often justify their behavior to friends and family.
You try to cover up their rudeness, laziness, or lack of motivation by making excuses like “they’re just tired” or “they had a bad day.” You make excuses for why they’re late or always cancel plans at the last minute.
Making excuses for someone’s bad behavior is a form of enabling, and it’s not healthy for either of you. If you keep making excuses for them, they’ll never feel the need to change their behavior. Their bad behavior is their responsibility, not yours, and you shouldn’t have to defend them to other people.
7. They don’t include you in decisions
If your significant other doesn’t include you in their important decisions, it’s a sign that you’re not a priority in their life – especially when the decision directly affects you.
Perhaps they decide to take a job or an internship in another city without even considering how the time apart will affect you or your relationship. Or maybe they move in with someone new without consulting you first.
Whatever the decision, it never occurred to them that you have an opinion or that their decision might affect you somehow. They’re completely insensitive to your needs and don’t care how their decisions will impact you.
8. They only contact you at night
How often do they text or call you during daylight hours? If the answer is “rarely” or “never,” it’s a sign that they only see you as an option for their nighttime entertainment.
They only want to see you when they’re bored or horny, and they’re not interested in getting to know you or spending time with you outside the bedroom. You’re nothing more than a booty call, and they have no intention of progressing your relationship.
If they only contact you at night, it’s time to move on and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you during the day.
9. You’ve caught them lying
If your partner is lying to you, it’s a sign that they don’t respect you or value your relationship. The same goes for being overly secretive with their phone or social media.
Lying and secrecy are major red flags in any relationship and should never be tolerated. If your partner is constantly lying to you or keeping secrets, it’s time to set some clear boundaries and ask to be treated with the respect you deserve.
Even small lies or lies by omission should be seen as a major red flag because if they’re willing to lie about something small, they’ll have no problem lying about something more significant.
10. They won’t talk about the future
If you haven’t been together very long, your partner might be unsure about their feelings and avoid discussing your future. This is perfectly normal and nothing to worry about.
However, if your relationship has been going on for a while and they still refuse to make plans more than a few days in advance, it’s a sign that they’re not interested in a long-term relationship with you.
As a test, ask them where they see your relationship going in six months or a year. If they get angry or defensive, it’s a sign that they’re not interested in making any commitment, and you might be a temporary option instead of a priority.
11. They refuse to label your relationship
How does your partner introduce you to people? Do they present you as their significant other or avoid labels and say you’re a “friend?”
If they refuse to label your relationship, it’s a sign that they don’t want anyone to know you’re dating. They might be interested in seeing other people or not want a committed relationship with you at all.
Either way, finding out where you stand with your partner and what they want from the relationship is essential. Otherwise, you’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak down the road.
12. You can’t be your true self around them
Everyone hides some aspects of their personality when they first start dating someone new. Putting your best foot forward and presenting yourself in the best possible light is perfectly okay.
However, if you’ve been together for a while and you’re still hiding your true self around your partner, it’s a red flag that you don’t feel accepted.
The same is true if you constantly have to chase them or go out of your way to win their attention and approval. They should be just as interested in you as you are in them and shouldn’t make you feel you have to work for their affection.
13. Your relationship is mainly physical
Do most of your dates involve hanging out at home and having sex? If the answer is yes, it’s a sign that your relationship is primarily physical, and they might be using you as a booty call.
The easiest way to figure out if you’re being used for sexual entertainment is to withhold sex and see what happens. The answer is loud and clear if they immediately get bored or disinterested in spending time with you.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having lots of sex, but there’s more to a committed long-term relationship than just having sex all the time.
14. They accuse you of being clingy
This is tricky because clinginess can be a problem in some relationships. If you’re sure that you’re not being clingy or needy, it might be a sign that your partner is trying to maintain their distance.
Accusing you of being clingy is a way to make you feel guilty and deflect their feelings of guilt or responsibility for keeping you around as an option with no commitment. You should be particularly concerned if they try to gaslight you into thinking it’s all in your head.
All you can do in this situation is express your feelings and needs to your partner and agree on a mutually acceptable level of communication and contact. And if they are unwilling to meet your needs, it’s time to leave.
15. You feel unwanted
You can tell a lot about how someone is treating you by simply thinking about how they make you feel. If you constantly feel unwanted or ignored, it’s a sign that they’re not interested in giving you the attention and love you need.
Of course, we all have busy lives, and there will be times when your partner can’t drop everything to spend time with you. But relationships are supposed to make you feel good about yourself, not bad.
Trust your instincts and pay attention to how you feel around your partner. Do they only spend time with you when it’s obvious they’re bored or have nothing better to do? If so, it might be time to find someone who will appreciate you more.
Are you enabling them?
Most people won’t change their behavior unless they have a good reason to do so. If you keep doing all the work to maintain the relationship, it’s not surprising that they’re happy to keep you as a backup option.
Do you ever tell them what you need or how their behavior makes you feel? Or do you constantly try to make excuses for them and convince yourself that things will get better?
If you’re enabling them, it’s time to set clear boundaries. Speak up and tell them how you feel and what you need to feel respected and valued in the relationship. Stop making excuses for their behavior and call them out when they’re being thoughtless or selfish.
Conflict is never easy, but if you don’t feel like you can express yourself freely in your relationship, it’s not a healthy or sustainable environment, and you should leave.
What should you do?
If you resonate with many of the signs in this list, then honestly, the best thing you can do for yourself is end the relationship. Your partner has had ample time to show you that they’re interested in something more committed, and it’s unlikely they will ever change.
However, we don’t get to choose who we fall in love with; sometimes, the heart wants what the heart wants. If you’re determined to stick around and try to make things work, here are some things you should do to ensure that you’re respected and valued in the relationship:
1. Communicate your needs
Nothing will change unless you speak up and tell your partner what you need. They might not even realize that they’re treating you like an option and taking you for granted, so it’s essential to have an honest conversation about your expectations for the relationship.
Give them plenty of specific examples to illustrate your point and make it more real for them. As I discussed earlier, use “I” statements to avoid making them feel defensive and keep the focus on your needs.
For example, you might say, “I need to feel like I’m a priority in your life and that you’re interested in spending time with me. When you cancel our plans at the last minute or don’t bother to return my texts, it makes me feel like I’m not important to you.”
2. Set boundaries
Setting personal boundaries gives you a clear framework to assess when you’ve been treated poorly and lets your partner know what behavior is and isn’t acceptable. It removes the temptation to make excuses for them and normalize their lousy behavior.
Your boundaries will be unique to you, but some common examples include needing regular communication, not being stood up or canceled on at the last minute, and feeling respected even when you’re disagreeing.
When you set a boundary, make sure it’s something important to you that you feel confident enforcing. Start with small boundaries that are easy to stick to and gradually make them more challenging as you become more comfortable asserting yourself.
3. Be prepared for them to push back
Your partner might not be too thrilled about the idea of changing their behavior or adhering to your new boundaries. They might make excuses, convince you to lower your standards or test the limits of what you’re willing to tolerate.
It’s essential to be prepared for this and plan how you’ll respond. Remember why you’re doing this and focus on your long-term goal of being in a healthy, supportive relationship.
4. Make yourself a priority
Ultimately, whether or not your relationship improves is mainly up to your partner. You can only control your behavior and how you react to theirs.
If they’re unwilling or unable to meet your needs, the best thing you can do is focus on taking care of yourself. Spend time with supportive friends and family members, do things that make you happy, and be gentle with yourself as you go through this difficult time.
5. Be patient
The entrenched patterns in your relationship won’t completely change overnight, so be patient and give them some time to adjust.
How much time you’re willing to give is ultimately up to you, but you’ll know pretty quickly whether they are making a sincere effort to improve things. If they’re not, it might be time to reassess your relationship and decide if it’s really something you want to continue pursuing.
6. Live your own life
Living your own life and having your own interests is important regardless of your relationship status, but it’s even more crucial when you feel like a backup option for your partner.
Focusing on your happiness sends the message that you’re not going to put your life on hold and wait for things to improve. It also gives you something positive to focus on when things are tough and helps you maintain a healthy sense of perspective.
And if things don’t work out, the loss is much less because you haven’t tied your entire sense of self-worth to the relationship.
7. Be prepared to leave
Ending a relationship is never easy, but sometimes it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. If you’ve been patient and done everything you can to make things work and things still aren’t improving, it might be time to let go.
It’s natural to mourn the loss of the relationship, but try to focus on the positive aspects of your new life and the potential for finding someone who is a much better match for you.
8. Consider professional help
If you and your partner are serious about making things work, you might want to consider professional help. A therapist can provide much-needed support and guidance as you navigate these challenging waters.
Having an unbiased professional to talk to can also be incredibly helpful in processing your feelings and working through any unresolved issues. They can provide you with many tools and techniques for improving communication and resolving conflict in a healthy way.
