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When you start seeing a new guy, everything is usually great. He’s funny, sweet, and thoughtful, and he makes you feel like the most special girl in the world.
But just as things get a little more serious, he begins to pull away. He’s only interested in sleeping with you, blows hot and cold, and makes lame excuses when you try to talk to him about your relationship.
His behavior is confusing and frustrating, and it makes you wonder whether he’s just keeping you around as a backup option. To help you figure out his true intentions, here are 29 signs he’s leading you on and what you can do about it.
1. His words don’t match his actions
If he tells you all the right things, but his words don’t match his actions, then he’s probably not being sincere.
For example, he might say that he wants a serious relationship but makes no effort to spend time with you or get to know you better. Or, he might tell you how much he misses you and can’t wait to see you, but he cancels dates at the last minute or doesn’t text you for days at a time.
2. He blows hot and cold
Blowing hot and cold is when someone acts loving and affectionate one day and then ignores you or acts like they don’t care the next.
Why is he behaving this way? If he’s leading you on, his goal is probably to sleep with you while putting in the bare minimum amount of effort. When he starts to sense that you’re getting sick of being ignored, he gives you lots of positive attention to reel you back in. But as soon as he thinks he can get away with it again, he returns to his old ways.
3. He avoids relationship labels
Every relationship goes through stages, and it’s natural to want to label your relationship once you’ve passed the casual dating stage. But if a guy refuses to call you his girlfriend or acknowledge that you’re in a relationship, it’s a clear sign that he doesn’t want anything serious and might be leading you on.
Guys often use excuses like, “I don’t want to ruin what we have,” or “labels are meaningless,” but the truth is, if he really cared about you, he wouldn’t be afraid to call you his girlfriend and announce it to the world.
4. He flakes out on you last minute
If he’s interested in you, he’ll make sure he’s available when you want to see him. But if he flakes out on you last minute or is always “too busy” to hang out, it’s a sign that you’re not a priority in his life.
The one exception is if he thinks there’s a possibility you’ll sleep with him. In that case, he’ll move heaven and earth to see you rather than miss the chance to hook up.
A guy who genuinely cares about you will move around his schedule to make time for you, even if it means giving up something else he enjoys. So, if he can’t be bothered to rearrange his plans for you, it’s a good indication that he doesn’t think you’re worth the effort.
5. He accuses you of being clingy or needy
Accusing you of being clingy or needy is a common tactic that guys use to push you away when they’re losing interest or trying to lead you on.
He might say things like, “I need some space,” or “you’re smothering me,” even though you haven’t done anything wrong. In reality, he’s just looking for an excuse to distance himself from you so he can keep his options open.
6. He only sees you when it suits him
Not only does he bail on you when you’ve made plans, but he’s also only interested in seeing you when it works for his schedule. If you’ve got something important to do and he can’t be bothered to rearrange his plans to accommodate you, it’s a huge red flag that he’s leading you on.
Everyone has a busy life, and commitment means he’s willing to make a sacrifice every once in a while and accommodate your needs. If he can’t even be bothered to do that, it’s a sign that you’re not a priority in his life, and he’s just using you for his benefit.
7. He loses interest after sex
A guy leading you on for sex might lose interest as soon as you give him what he wants. You’re already a notch on his bedpost, and he’s more interested in moving on to the next conquest.
A related behavior to look for is when a guy becomes bored or disinterested immediately after sex. Even if the sex was fantastic, he’s got no interest in sticking around to cuddle, chat, or enjoy your company. He’s already got one foot out the door and can’t wait to leave.
But sure enough, as soon as he’s in the mood for some more action, he’s loving and attentive again and will do or say anything to get into your pants.
Related post: 23 sad signs he just wants to sleep with you
8. He open flirts with other people
If he’s openly flirting with other women in front of you, it’s a massive sign that he has no interest in being exclusive with you. He’s letting you know he’s still looking around and keeping his options open.
Some people are naturally flirtatious, but you’ll be able to distinguish between innocent flirting and serious interest. If his flirting makes you feel ignored, small, or unimportant, it’s a sign that he’s not interested in being with you and is just leading you on.
Some guys will also use flirting as a way to make you jealous intentionally. He thinks he can use your jealousy to make you try harder to win his affection and do what you want.
9. He never gets deep and meaningful
A guy interested in you will want to know everything about your life, your hopes and dreams, and what makes you tick. He also won’t be afraid to show you his vulnerabilities and open up about his own life.
But if he never wants to talk about anything serious and always tries to keep things “light and fun,” it’s a sign that he doesn’t want to commit to you. Especially if he looks uncomfortable or shuts down whenever you try to get him to open up.
He’s probably afraid the conversation will stray into uncomfortable territory where he might have to discuss your relationship or talk about how he feels about you. Sure, he could lie, but it’s much easier for him just to avoid the conversation altogether.
10. He’s just come out of another relationship
It takes time to heal from a breakup, and if he’s jumped into another relationship straight away, it’s a sign that he’s on the rebound. He might be leading you on because he’s lonely or needs someone to help him get over his ex.
He might say he’s ready to move on and start something new with you, but in reality, he’s probably not over his ex yet. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but you should be wary of getting involved with someone fresh out of a relationship.
The secret ingredient that will make him commit to you
All men have a biological urge to feel useful and needed in their relationships. They crave the chance to step up and test their strengths and abilities.
This urge comes from a time when men had to compete to survive and protect their families from wild animals and rival tribes. Even though life was hard, they were constantly challenged and lived lives of purpose and meaning.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the “hero instinct,” and it explains why so many women struggle to attract guys and keep them committed.
The stakes are much lower today, but the need to feel useful remains deeply rooted in male biology. If a man doesn’t feel useful and needed in his relationship, he constantly feels like something is missing. These lingering doubts prevent him from fully committing and eventually cause him to go cold, emotionally pull away, or even be unfaithful.
The amazing thing is that you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct in any man. And when you do, you’ll give him exactly what he’s missing and make him feel deeply satisfied and content in your relationship. You’ll become his biggest priority and destroy any fear of commitment lingering in the back of his mind.
When you trigger a man’s hero instinct, he becomes comfortable fully investing in your relationship because he knows he’ll never need anyone else. In a matter of days, you’ll notice him become more protective, committed, and attracted to you than you ever dreamed was possible.
Never again will you have to deal with his hot and cold behavior, distance, or silence. He’ll think you’re reading his mind, and he’ll thank you for it every day.
So how do you trigger the hero instinct in a man?
This free video presentation from James Bauer will show you exactly what to say, what texts to send, and what to ask your man to trigger his hero instinct and make him want to work for your love and admiration.
11. He keeps you a secret from friends
If you’ve been dating for a while and he still hasn’t introduced you to his friends, it’s a sign that he’s avoiding taking things to the next level.
He’ll have all kinds of excuses for why you’re still a secret, but the truth is, he probably doesn’t want to waste time introducing you to his social circle because you’re not going to be around for long enough to warrant it.
If you’re not his usual type, he might also be embarrassed or afraid that his friends won’t approve of you, so he’s keeping you a secret to avoid any awkwardness. If this is the case, you should dump him immediately and move on to someone proud to show you off.
12. He tries to buy your affection
When a guy leads you on for his own benefit, he might try to buy your affection with expensive gifts or fancy dates. He’s trying to compensate for his lack of genuine interest in you by showering you with material things.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being treated to a nice dinner or receiving a thoughtful gift. But if it feels like he’s trying to buy your love instead of building a real emotional connection, it’s obvious he doesn’t really care about you and is just trying to keep you on the hook.
13. He doesn’t try to impress you
A guy who likes you will go out of his way to try and impress you. He’ll want to show you that he’s a great catch and worthy of your affections.
This could mean going above and beyond to ensure you have a good time when you’re together, booking tickets for a show or event he knows you’ll love, or even making an effort with your friends and family.
If he doesn’t seem to care about impressing you or making a good impression on the people in your life, it’s a sign that he doesn’t see any future for you and is just leading you on.
14. His idea of a date is hanging out at home
Spending a night cuddling on the couch, watching TV, and eating pizza is great once in a while. But if it’s always his go-to idea for a “date,” it shows that he doesn’t really care about making an effort.
Either he doesn’t think you’re worth spending money on, or he knows that if you hang out at home, it will be easier for him to coax you into the bedroom. Why would he go through all the hassle of booking a restaurant or tickets to a show when he can stay at home and get what he wants?
15. You suspect he’s seeing other people
If you have a sneaking suspicion that he might be seeing other women behind your back, it’s probably because he is. He’s keeping you on the roster in case his first choice falls through, or he’s just using you for sex.
There are many signs to look out for that he’s cheating on you, including being secretive with his phone, avoiding physical intimacy, and being moody or distant.
If you’re not cool with sharing him, you should confront him about it and see how he responds. If he’s not willing to be exclusive with you, you might have to accept that he’s just leading you on.
16. You feel like an option and not a priority
If you don’t feel like you’re a priority in his life, it’s probably because you’re not. A man interested in you will make time for you and include you in his plans.
You shouldn’t have to beg him for attention or feel like you’re always the one chasing him. If he only seems available at the last minute or cancels plans with you regularly, he’s clearly not that into you. It might be tough to hear, but it’s better to know the truth than to continue being led on by someone who will never give you what you want.
17. He tells you what you want to hear
A guy who’s successfully leading you on will be a master of knowing the exact right thing to say to keep you interested in him.
If he senses that you’re starting to figure him out, he’ll reassure you with sweet words and compliments. He knows how to play on your insecurities to keep you hooked, even though his words are often empty promises. Or, if he’s trying to get you into bed, he’ll say anything to convince you that sleeping with him is a good idea.
Please don’t fall for his empty talk. The key is to pay attention to his actions and see if they match up with his words. If he’s only nice to you when he wants something, it’s a clear sign that he doesn’t care about you and is just trying to take advantage of you.
18. He won’t make future plans with you
If you can never seem to nail him down for anything more than a few days in advance, it’s because he doesn’t want to be pinned down. He’ll make excuses like, “I don’t like to plan too far ahead,” or “I’m not sure what my work schedule will be like.”
Sure, he might be busy with school or work, but if he cared about you, he would make it work. It seems pretty clear he’s keeping his options wide open just in case something better comes along.
19. His compliments are always about your looks
A guy who’s really into you will compliment you on more than just your physical appearance. He’ll notice things like your sense of humor, intelligence, or how hardworking you are.
And if he really likes you, he’ll notice little things about you that most people would miss. Perhaps he comments on how your eyes light up when talking about your passion or how you always know just the right thing to say to make someone feel better.
But if he only ever compliments you on how you look, it’s a sign that he’s more interested in your body than anything else. There’s nothing wrong with him finding you sexy, but it’s not a good sign if that’s all he seems to care about.
20. He only texts you in the evening
Why would a guy only text you after dark? It’s usually because he’s looking for a booty call and waited until the last possible minute to ask, “wyd?”
Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. If he’s a busy guy, it’s possible he only has time to text you in the evening. But if he never texts you during the day to say hi or ask how your day is going, it’s a pretty good sign he’s just using leading you on for sex.
21. He breadcrumbs you
Breadcrumbing is a tactic specifically designed to lead you on. The breadcrumber will reach out to you just often enough to keep you interested, but not so much that they actually have to commit to anything.
They might send you a flirty text message or like one of your Instagram posts. Or they might call you out of the blue to ask how you’re doing but then make up excuses about why they can’t meet up with you.
It’s a frustrating situation to be in, but it’s important to remember that the breadcrumber is doing this on purpose. They’re not interested in you; they just enjoy the attention you give them.
22. He doesn’t treat you with respect
Even if your relationship is still in the casual phase, a guy who cares about you will treat you with respect. He’ll listen to you, consider your feelings, and try not to hurt you in any way.
Ignoring your texts, canceling on you for no reason, and talking to you in a demeaning way are all major red flags. They indicate that he doesn’t respect you and is just using you for his own needs. If that’s his idea of a relationship, it’s time to move on and find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
23. He manipulates you into doing what he wants
Emotional manipulation is often very subtle and hard to spot – especially if you really like a guy and want to believe that he cares about you.
However, it’s essential to look for signs that he’s using manipulative tactics to lead you on. He might make you feel needy or guilty for wanting his time and attention or make you feel like a prude for not wanting to sleep with him or give him what he wants in the bedroom.
24. You’ve caught him lying to you
In the early stages of a relationship, a few innocent white lies are probably okay. After all, you both want to put your best foot forward and present yourselves in the best possible light.
But if you’ve already caught him lying about who he’s been with or what he’s been up to, it’s a sign that he’s leading you on. He is trying to hide significant aspects of his life from you, which likely means he’s not as invested in the relationship as he wants you to believe.
At the end of the day, lying is a form of manipulation and deception, and if he’s willing to lie to you now, it will only get worse as time goes on.
Related post: What is lying by omission & how does it damage relationships?
25. He refuses to compromise
No matter how casual a relationship might appear, both partners still need to be willing to compromise and meet each other halfway. If one person always gets their way, it will not be a healthy or happy relationship.
So if he flat out refuses to ever compromise with you – whether it’s on what movie to watch, where to go for dinner, or something more serious – it’s a sign that he doesn’t view you as an equal. He’s trying to control the relationship and is only interested in doing things his way.
26. He tries to make you jealous
There’s nothing wrong with a little healthy jealousy in a relationship. It can actually be an excellent way to keep things exciting and ensure that you’re both still attracted to each other.
However, if he’s constantly trying to make you jealous by flirting with other girls or talking about his exes, it’s a sign that he doesn’t care about you. He’s trying to make you feel insecure so he can have more power and control in the relationship and keep leading you on.
27. He’s secretive
Getting to know someone deeply is one of the most beautiful things about being in a new relationship. At the very least, you should be open and honest with each other about your intentions and how you feel about the relationship.
If a guy is secretive with his phone and computer or quickly changes the subject when you bring up specific topics, it’s a sign that he’s hiding something. He might be seeing other girls, still have feelings for his ex, or simply doesn’t want you to get close to him. Whatever his motivation, it’s clear he’s not interested in having a real, honest relationship with you.
28. He compares you to other guys
Openly comparing you to other guys is one of the most hurtful and disrespectful things a guy can do. It shows that he doesn’t appreciate you for who you are, and he’s trying to make you feel like you need to change to be good enough for him.
29. You feel resentful
If you experience even a few signs on this list, it will quickly make you feel bitter and resentful. There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship where you feel like you’re the only one putting in any effort.
If a man continues to lead you on and treat you disrespectfully, it’s time to take action. Either he needs to step up and start treating you the way you deserve, or it’s time to walk away for good.
What to do if a guy is leading you on
So, if it looks like a guy is leading you on, what should you do about it?
The first thing you need to do is take a step back and evaluate the situation. If he’s only showing a few signs, it might just be a case of mismatched expectations. For example, maybe he thought you were both casually dating when you were actually looking for something more serious. In this case, you can talk to him about your feelings and see if he’s willing to make things more official.
Some guys are afraid of commitment and need a nudge in the right direction. If you think this is the case, check out this fascinating video by relationship psychologist James Bauer. Triggering a guy’s hero instinct can completely change his attitude and turn him from a self-centered player into a loving and devoted partner.
However, if he flat-out denies treating you poorly or refuses to change his behavior, it’s time to move on. No matter how much you like him, you deserve to be with someone who treats you right and won’t lead you on to fulfill his own selfish needs.
Related post: The Hero Instinct: How to trigger it in your man
