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So you’ve been dating this amazing guy, and you couldn’t be happier. There’s just one big problem. You feel like he’s got one foot out the door, and he doesn’t show any signs of committing to your relationship. Every time you bring up the future or try to make plans with him, he makes excuses and looks like he’s about to run for the hills.
So how do you get him to commit?
Some advice suggests you need to give him an ultimatum and force him into it, but I think that’s a massive mistake. In fact, pressuring a man into commitment can often have the opposite effect and push him away entirely.
Luckily, you can do lots of things to encourage him to commit without putting pressure on him or trying to change him. If you use these tips, I’m confident you can bring your man around and enjoy the passionate and deeply committed relationship you deserve.
1. Give him plenty of space
It’s natural to want to spend all your time with your man when things are going well. But if you want to encourage him to commit, giving him plenty of space is important. This means letting him have time to himself, spending time with friends and family, and pursuing his own hobbies and interests.
If you sense he needs some time alone, encourage him to take as much time as he needs and don’t take it personally. He just needs some space to recharge his emotional batteries and maintain his feeling of independence.
Also, don’t make him constantly check in with you or ask for your permission to do things. This will only make him feel suffocated and trapped and will likely push him away.
2. Don’t try to control him
Even if you’re just trying to help, let your man make his own decisions and live his life the way he wants. If you constantly tell him what to do, what to wear, or how to act, it will quickly make him resentful and resistant to commitment.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t voice your opinion or give him advice when he asks for it. Just know when to back off and let him be his own man.
3. Don’t make ultimatums
The worst thing you can do is put him in a position where he feels he has to choose between you and his freedom.
Instead of ultimatums, have an honest conversation with him about what you’re looking for in the relationship. Try to understand why he’s hesitant to commit and see if there’s anything you can do to help him feel more comfortable.
4. Be patient with him
When talking to him about your relationship, always be patient and understanding. He’s likely feeling just as insecure and scared as you, so give him the time and space he needs to figure out how he feels.
Let him know that you’re not trying to pressure him into anything and that you’re happy to take things at his pace. This will help him feel more relaxed and open to commitment.
5. Set clear boundaries
Even though you need to let him go at his own pace, you also need to be clear about what you’re willing to accept in the relationship. If certain things are deal-breakers for you, make sure he knows this from the start.
For example, if you’re not willing to wait around forever for him to make a decision, let him know. This will help him understand where you’re coming from and might help him decide what he wants even sooner.
6. Don’t try to change him
If you try to change him or mold him into your idea of the perfect partner, it will only make him more resistant to commitment. He needs to know that you love and accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should accept bad behavior or allow yourself to be disrespected. If he’s always running late for dates or expects you to pick up his dirty clothes, those are definitely things you should call him out on.
7. Let him miss you
Letting him miss you a little will help him realize how much he loves having you in his life and how sad life would be without you.
If he feels like you always come running whenever he calls, he’ll feel less pressure to make an effort and might start to use you or take you for granted.
The best way to make him miss you is to take a break from contact for a little while. If you usually text or call him daily, try leaving him alone for a few days and see how he reacts.
Of course, please don’t play games with him or try to make him jealous. It will only backfire and make him even less likely to commit
8. Show him that you trust him
If you constantly question his loyalty or accuse him of cheating, the last thing he’ll want to do is commit to your relationship.
If he’s done something to make you doubt him, talk about it with him but don’t accuse or blame him until you have all the facts. Give him the benefit of the doubt until he proves you can’t trust him, and then set clear boundaries around what you need to feel respected.
Related post: How to trust someone again (19 essential steps)
9. Create a safe space for him
Create a safe space to express his feelings by listening without judgment and being supportive and understanding.
When he feels he can trust you with his innermost thoughts, he’ll be much more likely to let down his guard. But the second he feels patronized or like you’re dismissing his feelings, he’ll shut down, and it will be much harder to get him to open up again.
10. Argue the right way
Constantly arguing about the same things without ever solving the issue will eventually lead to resentment and bitterness.
On the other hand, constructive arguing will increase his commitment to the relationship by showing him that you’re willing to work through your differences calmly and logically.
Here are some tips for resolving disagreements in a healthy way:
- Always speak calmly and respectfully, even if you’re feeling upset.
- Listen to what your partner has to say without interrupting them.
- Try to see things from their perspective.
- Be willing to compromise.
- Stay focused on the issue and don’t bring up past arguments.
The secret ingredient that will make him commit
All men have a biological urge to feel useful and needed in their relationships. They crave the chance to step up and test their strengths and abilities.
This urge comes from a time when men had to compete to survive and protect their families from wild animals and rival tribes. Even though life was hard, they were constantly challenged and lived lives of purpose and meaning.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the “hero instinct,” and it explains why so many women struggle to attract guys and keep them committed.
The stakes are much lower today, but the need to feel useful remains deeply rooted in male biology. If a man doesn’t feel useful and needed in his relationship, he constantly feels like something is missing. These lingering doubts prevent him from fully committing and eventually cause him to go cold, emotionally pull away, or even be unfaithful.
The amazing thing is that you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct in any man. And when you do, you’ll give him exactly what he’s missing and make him feel deeply satisfied and content in your relationship. You’ll become his biggest priority and destroy any fear of commitment lingering in the back of his mind.
When you trigger a man’s hero instinct, he becomes comfortable fully investing in your relationship because he knows he’ll never need anyone else. In a matter of days, you’ll notice him become more protective, committed, and attracted to you than you ever dreamed was possible.
Never again will you have to deal with his hot and cold behavior, distance, or silence. He’ll think you’re reading his mind, and he’ll thank you for it every day.
So how do you trigger the hero instinct in a man?
This free video presentation from James Bauer will show you exactly what to say, what texts to send, and what to ask your man to trigger his hero instinct and make him want to work for your love and admiration.
It sounds almost too good to be true, but James’ techniques use proven psychology to tap into the deepest desires that all men feel.
If you’re struggling because your man seems distant or you can’t get him to commit, this will be the most eye-opening presentation you have ever seen.
11. Listen to him
If you’re always doing the talking, it’s only a matter of time before he starts to feel like his opinions and feelings don’t matter to you.
When he’s talking to you, practice active listening by giving him your full attention, making eye contact, and responding thoughtfully to what he’s saying.
It may seem like a small thing, but it will make him feel valued and appreciated and encourage him to open up to you more.
12. Show him your independent spirit
It sounds counter-intuitive, but the more confident and happy you seem without him, the more he’ll want to be part of your life.
Show him that you have a life outside your relationship and that you’re not just waiting around for him to give you attention. Go out with your friends, pursue your hobbies, and make time for yourself.
13. Don’t be needy
Men are attracted to confident and independent women who don’t need constant reassurance and validation. So instead of texting him every five minutes or asking him to do things with you all the time, give him some space and let him come to you.
14. Be a little mysterious
Being a little mysterious is a way to keep the spark alive in a new relationship and reduce the chance he’ll get bored and lose interest.
The trick is to be subtle – too much mystery, and he’ll think you’re not interested, but just the right amount will keep him on his toes and wanting more. Here are some ideas for being a little mysterious:
- Don’t share everything about yourself right away.
- Be unpredictable and do things that surprise him.
- Make plans without involving him all the time.
- Tease him about what he’s got to look forward to in the bedroom.
15. Let him help you
It sounds a little old-fashioned, but the truth is that many men still want to be seen as strong and capable providers. It makes them feel good and gives them a sense of purpose in the relationship.
So the next time he wants to do something “manly” for you, let him. It might be as simple as carrying groceries or fixing a loose cabinet door.
Letting him help you doesn’t diminish your strength as a woman, and it will give him a deep sense of satisfaction that will make him want to commit to you even more.
16. Appreciate him
Let him know that you notice and appreciate his efforts, whether it’s cooking you dinner or taking out the trash. It will make him feel good about himself and encourage him to do even more for you in the future.
17. Don’t be a drama queen
If you overreact and make a big fuss over every little thing, he’ll start associating commitment with drama and stress. So when things go wrong (as they always do), show him you can handle yourself and stay calm and collected.
18. Be careful with jealousy
Making him a little bit jealous every once in a while is fine – it can actually be a way to keep the spark alive in a relationship. But don’t be tempted to take things too far, or you’ll make him resentful and push him away.
The same thing will happen if you constantly accuse him of cheating on you or flirting with other women when you have no evidence. Trust is the antidote to jealousy, so the best way to deal with it is to build trust in your relationship.
19. Make an effort with his family
Building a connection with his family is one of the best ways to encourage a man to commit. His family knows him better than anyone, and if they approve of you it will make him feel more confident in the relationship and much more likely to take things to the next level.
20. Learn his love language
In case you’re unfamiliar with love languages, it’s the idea that everyone expresses and experiences love differently. There are five primary love languages – words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts.
For example, if his love language is words of affirmation, giving him praise and encouragement is the best way to show him your love. And if his love language is physical touch, he’ll feel most loved when you touch him, cuddle with him, and hold his hand.
Learning to speak your man’s love language will make him feel loved and appreciated in a way that is most heartfelt and meaningful to him.
21. Be his biggest cheerleader
No matter what he’s pursuing in his life – his dream job, a hobby, or a new business venture – be his biggest cheerleader. Show him your support by listening to his ideas, offering advice when he asks for it, and being there for him when things get tough.
Encourage and inspire him to be the best version of himself, and he’ll naturally want to commit himself to you and the relationship.
22. Don’t fixate on labels
Try and resist the temptation to put pressure on him by fixating on labels and titles. If you’re always asking him when he’s going to “make things official” or “get serious,” it’s only going to make him feel uncomfortable and push him away.
Instead, focus on enjoying the relationship for what it is and let things progress naturally.
23. Encourage his hobbies & interests
Showing you care about the things he’s passionate about – even if they’re not your favorite things in the world – is a great way to make him feel loved and appreciated.
So whether it’s going to his football games or listening to him talk about his latest project, make sure you pay attention, ask intelligent questions, and nod and smile in all the right places.
24. Support his friendships
A lot of guys start to drift away from their friends when they’re in a relationship. He should enjoy spending a lot of time with you, but don’t let him lose touch with his buddies completely.
Spending time with his friends helps him maintain his independence and gives him a different perspective if he needs to talk through a problem. The next time you see him, he’ll be refreshed, recharged, and excited to see you.
25. Don’t use sex to manipulate him
Sex should be about expressing your love for each other and never used as a tool for manipulation.
If you withhold or offer sex to bribe him into doing what you want, he’ll start to see you as nothing more than a sex object. Not only is this insulting to you, but it won’t get him excited about committing to the relationship.
26. Become his trusted advisor
If you’re always there to give him advice and help solve his problems, he’ll start to see you as an invaluable part of his life.
Knowing you’ve got his back will also make it much harder for him to walk away when things get tough or he’s struggling to commit.
So when he comes to you for help, don’t hold back. Make sure you give him the best advice possible and tell him how much it means to you that he came to you for help in the first place.
27. Prioritize physical intimacy
Intimacy is an important part of any relationship, but it’s often overlooked. If you want him to commit to you, make sure you’re giving him plenty of physical affection.
This doesn’t just mean sex – although that’s certainly a part of it. It also means things like cuddling, holding hands, and kissing. Physical intimacy fosters closeness and connection, both of which are essential for a committed relationship.
Related post: 35 ways to turn a guy on (with & without touching him)
28. Stimulate his mind
If you can keep his mind active and engaged, he’ll be much more likely to stay interested in you for the long haul. So keep stimulating his mind by engaging him in deep conversations, challenging him to think outside the box, and exposing him to new and exciting experiences.
29. Spend quality time together
Make sure you schedule regular times where you can put your phones away and focus entirely on each other without interruptions.
It doesn’t have to be complicated – you can cook dinner together, take a long walk, or just spend an evening cuddling on the couch.
The important thing is that you’re both present and focused on each other during this time. Nothing will do more to strengthen your connection and deepen your commitment to each other.
30. Talk him up to his friends
If you want him to commit to you, it’s important that his friends see you as a good match for him. So make sure you’re always talking him up when you’re around them.
Sing his praises, share your favorite stories about him, and let them see how happy you are together. His friends will be much more likely to support your relationship and encourage him to commit to you.
31. Try new things together
Doing new things together is a great way to keep the spark alive in your relationship. It gives you both a chance to step out of your comfort zones, learn new things, and build shared memories.
32. Have fun with him
Sometimes you get so caught up in trying to make things perfect that you forget just to enjoy each other’s company. Having fun together is important if you want your relationship to last.
So let loose, laugh, and enjoy your time together. He’ll appreciate your ability to relax and have a good time, and it’ll make him more likely to want to commit to you.
33. Compliment him
Make sure you’re taking the time to compliment him on a regular basis. Whether it’s telling him he looks handsome or thanking him for being a great listener, a genuine compliment will make him feel appreciated.
34. Practice self-love
If you don’t love and respect yourself, it’ll be much harder for him to do the same. So make sure you’re taking care of yourself emotionally and mentally if you want him to commit to you.
Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, and find things that make you happy outside of your relationship. Taking care of yourself shows him that you’re worth investing in, and he’ll be much more likely to commit to you.
Related post: 150 self-love and kindness quotes to inspire you
35. Consider therapy
Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’re struggling to make your relationship work. Therapy can be an invaluable tool for couples who want to improve their communication and build a stronger foundation for their relationship.
Even if you don’t directly talk about his commitment issues, having an outside perspective can help you identify patterns and work through underlying issues.
Why are some guys so afraid of commitment?
1. Fear of being rejected
Fear of rejection comes from a deep-seated fear of abandonment that often stems from childhood. Maybe his parents got divorced when he was young, or he was left by someone he loved in the past. This has led him to believe that no matter how successful your relationship is, you’ll eventually leave him like everyone else.
2. Fear of losing independence or identity
He’s worried that all the demands of being in a committed relationship will be too much for him, and he’ll end up losing his sense of identity. He values his independence and the life he’s built for himself and is afraid of being swallowed up and changed by your relationship.
3. Fear of showing vulnerability
He’s worried that you’ll reject him if he opens up to you and shows you his true self. He may also be scared of looking weak or vulnerable, which may stem from issues with self-esteem or growing up in an environment where discussing emotions wasn’t encouraged.
4. Fear of not being good enough
He’s convinced himself that he doesn’t have enough to offer your relationship or that you’re simply out of his league. This is often caused by growing up in a highly critical environment where he never felt like he measured up.
5. Fear of change
For some men, the thought of changing their life to accommodate a committed relationship is simply too much. He’s happy with the way things are and doesn’t want to rock the boat.
6. Fear of missing out
Making a commitment means saying goodbye to other potential partners and opportunities. He’s still too caught up in playing the field and worries that he’ll miss out on something better if he commits to you.
7. Fear of intimacy
He’s scared to be emotionally and physically close to someone and finds it very hard to open up and share his feelings. This is most likely caused by a fear of showing vulnerability or a traumatic experience in the past.
8. Fear of responsibility and making decisions
He knows that committing to a relationship means making a lot of decisions and taking on new responsibilities. He doesn’t feel ready for that level of commitment and would rather avoid it altogether.
