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Dating a married man is very different from a “normal” relationship. There’s a lot of sneaking around, you have to worry about his wife finding out, and you feel guilty about helping to destroy a marriage.
For some women, the excitement and danger are part of the appeal. But for others, falling for a married man is the last thing you want. But love and lust are powerful forces, and you don’t get to choose who you fall in love with.
Whatever your reasons for dating a married man, I’m not here to judge. My goal is simply to lay out all the advantages and disadvantages so you can make an informed decision. It might not all be what you want to hear, but hopefully, it gives you the best chance of success and prevents you from getting hurt.
Is it wrong to date a married man?
Most people will tell you that dating a married man is a bad idea, and you’re a terrible person for even considering it. But I don’t think it’s always quite that simple.
If you get off on the thrill of seducing married men and tearing marriages apart, then yes, you’re a bad person. You’ve also got some serious self-esteem issues that need addressing.
But what if it really is true love, he’s deeply unhappy in his marriage and he fully intends to leave his wife for you? Many people would argue that’s probably okay, and you both deserve to be happy.
Unfortunately, this romantic scenario is pretty uncommon. Most men who cheat on their wives have no intention of leaving their current relationship to be with their affair partner.
The one thing you can’t ignore is that when you date a married man, you are dating a liar and someone who has decided to cheat on their wife. Can you really trust anything he tells you?
What are the disadvantages of dating a married man?
Dating a married man has a lot of disadvantages. There are many things you have to worry about, like his wife finding out, the guilt you feel, and the fact that he’s not really available to you. You also have to deal with the reality that he probably doesn’t love you, and he won’t leave his wife for you.
Here are all the reasons you shouldn’t date a married man.
1. He won’t fall in love with you
A lot of women who date married men hope that they will eventually fall in love with them and leave their wives. But the reality is that most men who cheat on their wives don’t fall in love with their affair partners.
In fact, many men who cheat are still very much in love with their wives. They have affairs because they’re unhappy with some aspect of their marriage, not because they’ve fallen out of love. In some cases, it’s because they aren’t feeling appreciated or desired, and they crave the feeling of being wanted. And for other men, their sexual needs aren’t being met at home, so they look for excitement and satisfaction elsewhere.
So despite what he tells you, there’s a good chance he’s just using you to meet his needs, and what you have together will never evolve into a legitimate relationship.
2. He won’t leave his wife for you
Whatever the reason he’s cheating on his wife, you have to accept that there’s very little chance he will leave his wife for you. He might tell you he loves you and will leave her, but he’s probably just saying what he thinks you want to hear.
And if he does develop strong feelings for you, there’s still no guarantee he will leave his wife. Most men who cheat never leave their wives, and they keep having affairs on the side.
There are several good reasons why a man won’t leave his wife, even when his marriage is on the rocks. It could be because he’s afraid of change, he enjoys the benefits of being married, or he doesn’t want to deal with the hassle of getting a divorce. You also have to remember that he’s invested a lot of time and emotional energy into his marriage, and that’s a lot to throw away on a casual affair.
Related post: 13 reasons a man leaves his wife for another woman
3. You can never fully trust him
You can never fully trust a man willing to cheat on his wife. He’s already shown that he’s not faithful, so why would you believe anything he tells you? If he’s lied to his wife about you, what’s to stop him from making false promises to you?
You might think you’re special and that he would never lie to you, but the reality is that his wife also felt special at one point. And you know how that turned out.
Related post: How to save a marriage with trust issues (17 tips)
4. You’ll never be a priority in his life
No matter how much he tells you that you mean the world to him, the truth is that you will never be his number one priority. His wife and family will always come first, and you will always take a backseat to them.
Even if he’s unhappy in his marriage, he has family commitments that he can’t just walk away from. And if he has children, he’ll never prioritize you over spending time with them. Even if he wants to spend more time with you, you’ll have to be satisfied with sneaking around and constantly feeling like you’re second best.
5. He has all the power in the relationship
If you’re dating a married man, he has a lot more to lose which gives him all the power in the relationship. He gets to choose how often he sees you and can pick whatever place and time work best for him. And if he can’t be bothered spending time with you, he can use his family commitments as an excuse.
He never has to compromise because you have no way of knowing whether he’s even telling the truth. You’re essentially at his mercy and have to take whatever he gives you. And if you complain and start making a big deal about seeing him on your terms, he can end your relationship and walk away without feeling any guilt.
6. His wife will eventually find out
There is a good chance his wife will eventually find out about the affair, and when that happens, it will be a very messy love triangle.
Most affairs are discovered by wives, either by accident or through snooping. Even if he does his best to keep it a secret, there are always signs of cheating if you know what to look for. Eventually, he’ll slip up, and she’ll put two and two together.
Once his wife knows about your affair, he will be forced to decide between saving his marriage and leaving his wife. Which option do you really think he’ll choose?
7. He can dump you at any time
As soon as your relationship becomes inconvenient to him, he can end it and walk away without a shred of guilt. Unlike a normal relationship, there won’t be any opportunity to talk it through and fix things. He’ll simply tell you that it’s over, and you’ll wonder what happened.
The most common reason he’ll dump you is that he commits to saving his marriage, and there’s no place in his life for you anymore. But he might also be a serial cheater and find a new and more exciting woman to spend time with.
8. You’ll feel guilty
When you date a married man, you have to accept that you’re playing a part in breaking up a family. The feelings of guilt are tough to deal with and can even lead to depression and anxiety if you don’t manage them.
You might feel like you’re justified because he’s unhappy in his marriage, but the hard truth is that you’re only making things worse. The guilt will eat away at you and eventually take a toll on your relationship.
9. He will use you for sex
All he’s probably looking for is a convenient hook-up without the hassle of a committed relationship. If you’re okay with being nothing more than a sexual conquest, then go ahead and enjoy the ride. But if you want more than just sex, you’re better off looking for a single man who can fully commit to you.
10. He’ll always choose his wife over you
No matter how much he says he loves you, he will always choose his wife over you. She’s the one he committed to, and she’s the one he will spend the rest of his entire life with. You’re simply a temporary diversion, and no matter how special you feel, you will always come second.
If he ever has to choose between you and his wife, there’s no question about what he’ll choose. And if you can’t accept that, it’s time to end things before getting hurt.
11. You might never meet his family
If he’s serious about hiding the affair, you’ll never meet his friends or family. And even if you do, they’ll likely never know that you’re anything more than a casual acquaintance. This can be tough to deal with, especially if you’re looking for something more serious.
But it’s important to remember that his family members are off-limits. He’ll pull away and put up even more walls if you start to get too close. It’s not worth the effort, and it’s best to accept that you’ll never be a part of his life beyond the affair.
12. Sneaking around is stressful
All the lying and sneaking around can make dating a married man incredibly stressful. You live with the constant fear that you’ll get caught or something will go wrong, and he won’t be able to see you anymore.
Even if the danger felt exciting initially, these feelings will eventually fade. At some point, you’ll crave a normal, loving relationship free from all the drama.
13. You’ll never really know him
Do you even really know him? If he’s been married for years, chances are you don’t know him nearly as well as you think you do. He’s been hiding a part of his life from you, which means you can never be sure who he really is.
You have no idea what he’s like at home or how he interacts with his wife, family, and friends. You’re just ‘the other woman,’ and there’s a whole dimension of his life and personality that you never get to see or be part of.
And what about the way he acts when he’s with you? All the lies and sneaking around make it unlikely he’s completely honest with you about his feelings and emotions. He might just be playing a part to keep you interested so he can get what he needs from you.
14. Your loved ones will judge you
If you tell your family and friends you’re dating a married man, many of them will probably judge you harshly. They’ll see you as a home-wrecker and will worry about your relationship’s impact on your mental health and well-being.
They disapprove because they care about you and want what’s best for you, and they want you to enjoy a happy, healthy relationship with someone who can give you everything you need. And unfortunately, a married man can never do that.
At the end of the day, it’s your decision whether you take their advice or not. But it’s important to be prepared for the judgment and disapproval you might face if you choose to pursue a relationship with a married man.
What are the advantages of dating a married man?
So far, I’ve looked at all the reasons you shouldn’t date a married man, but what about the advantages? If you have the right personality and go into it with your eyes open, there are plenty of ways that dating a married man might work for you.
1. There’s no real commitment
If you’re not looking for anything serious, dating a married man can be the perfect solution. You get all the benefits of a relationship without any of the commitment or responsibilities.
For example, you don’t have to worry about meeting his family or introducing him to your friends. You can just focus on having a great time together without any other commitments or stress.
It can be a great way to have some fun and enjoy companionship without getting too emotionally attached. And if things do start to get serious, you can always walk away without any strings attached.
2. It can be exciting and thrilling
The excitement and thrill of a secret relationship can be hard to resist for some women. If you’re the type of person who gets a thrill from breaking the rules, then dating a married man might be for you.
You get to live out your fantasies of being the other woman and having a wild, passionate affair. Just be careful that you don’t get too caught up in the fantasy and forget that there’s a real person with a real life and family who will be affected when things go wrong.
3. He treats you like a goddess
Even if he has no intention of leaving his wife for you, he’ll make you feel like the most special woman in the world. He’ll be more attentive in bed, tell you everything you want to hear, and buy you expensive gifts to compensate for the fact that you’re never going to be his top priority.
This can be a great ego boost, especially if your self-esteem is low or you’ve been hurt in past romantic relationships. Just be careful that you don’t start to believe the hype and end up getting your heart broken.
4. You can be whoever you want to be
Having an affair with a married man is your chance to reinvent yourself and try out a new identity. You can leave your old self behind, be whoever you want to be, and reinvent yourself without the pressure of living up to anyone else’s expectations.
You can try a new personal style, experiment in the bedroom, and try out everything you’ve always fantasized about doing.
You don’t even need to be honest with him about who you really are. Even if you create a whole new persona, he’ll never know the difference. A married lover is the best way to explore your sexuality and boost your confidence without anyone finding out.
How to make a married man obsessed with you
All men feel a powerful urge to compete. It comes from ancient times when every day was a fight for survival to protect their tribe and provide for their families.
The stakes are much lower today, but the competitive urge remains deeply rooted in male biology. Instead of fighting saber-toothed tigers, men channel their competitive energy into work, fitness, acquiring wealth, or earning the respect of their peers.
Imagine if you could harness all this competitive energy and make a man obsessed with winning your love.
You can. And all you need to do is trigger a biological switch inside him that will make him see you as the ultimate prize.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls this switch the “hero instinct,” and it explains why some women have men falling all over them while others struggle to find lasting love.
Triggering a man’s hero instinct taps into his competitive spirit and makes him see your relationship as an opportunity to prove himself as a man. Making you happy gives him purpose and a “game” to win.
Instead of you chasing him, he will jump through hoops to impress you and win your approval. In a matter of days, he’ll become more protective, committed, and attracted to you than you ever dreamed possible.
And the best part is that you can do all this without playing hard to get or acting like a damsel in distress.
This free video presentation from James Bauer will show you exactly what to say, what texts to send, and what to ask your man to trigger his hero instinct and make him utterly obsessed with you.
It sounds almost too good to be true, but it’s the real deal. James’ techniques use simple yet powerful psychology to help you tap into the deepest desires that all men feel.
Here’s the link to the free video again.
How do you know if a married man is using you?
When you’re dating a married man, it’s easy to fool yourself into believing that he cares about you. Maybe he’s even told you that he loves you. But what if it’s all an act, and he’s just using you?
Here are all the signs you need to look out for that he’s just using you to get what he wants.
1. He makes promises to leave his wife but never follows through
If he’s been making promises to leave his wife for months or even years, chances are he’s never going to do it. You might have believed him the first time he said it, but now it’s clear he’s just stringing you along and using you for sex and companionship. If he can’t commit to leaving his wife, how can you trust him to commit to you?
2. He’s only interested in sex
Sex is the focus of many affair relationships, and if that works for you, great! But if you’re craving more emotional or intellectual connection, you need to make sure you don’t end up being used purely for sex.
If he’s selfish in the bedroom or pressures you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable, you need to shut him down. Make sure you set clear boundaries and always feel respected and valued.
3. He’s buying your affections
Does he buy you expensive gifts or even give you money to help you out? Look, there’s a chance he’s just a generous guy who cares about you, but you also need to consider the idea that he’s buying your affections.
This is actually a dream scenario for some women, and they go out of their way to attract guys who will pay for their lifestyle. But for most women, it feels wrong to accept gifts when there’s an expectation of sexual favors in return.
4. He doesn’t treat you with respect
Even though you’re dating a married man, you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Some of the major red flags to look for include putting guilt trips on you about the sacrifice he’s making, being overly jealous or possessive, or trying to manipulate you into doing things that make you feel uncomfortable.
5. He doesn’t confide in you
A healthy relationship is built on trust and communication. If your affair partner doesn’t confide in you or share his thoughts and feelings, it’s a sign he doesn’t trust you enough to let down his guard.
And if he doesn’t trust you, he’s probably not as invested in the relationship as you are. This is a big red flag that he’s only using you for his own needs and doesn’t care about your feelings. To him, you’re just a little bit of fun on the side.
How to behave when dating a married man
If you want your relationship with a married man to have the best chance of success, you need to be very careful how you act. Here’s what you need to keep in mind.
1. Be extremely discreet
You need to be highly discreet when dating a married man. If his wife finds out about the relationship, it will end your relationship, and it might end his marriage as well. It can also have severe consequences for your own life and reputation.
The best advice is not to tell anyone about your relationship – even family and friends. If you need to talk about it with someone, make sure you trust them to keep your secret. Remember that even though things might seem casual, this is a very serious relationship with potentially devastating consequences.
2. Always put yourself first
You’re taking a significant risk by dating a married man, so use common sense and always put yourself first. Make sure you have your own life outside of the relationship, with friends and activities that make you happy. This will help you avoid getting too emotionally attached to him and keep things in perspective.
It’s also important to be honest about why you’re dating him. If you’re lonely, bored, or have low self-esteem, you need to address those issues before you get involved with any man.
3. Don’t badmouth his wife or kids
If he tells you about his marriage problems, it might be tempting to take his side and badmouth his wife or kids. My advice is to resist this temptation and always stay neutral.
It doesn’t do you any favors to get emotionally invested in his family life, and he could quickly resent you for it. Support him and listen to him, but try to keep your personal feelings and opinions out of it wherever possible.
4. Don’t text or call him when he’s at home
Make sure you set clear rules around when it’s safe to communicate with him. The most important thing is to avoid calling or sending text messages when you know he’s at home with his family. The last thing you want is his wife to answer the phone and figure out what’s going on.
5. Be realistic about your expectations
Keep in mind that dating a married guy will probably not lead to anything serious or long-term. It might be more intense and passionate than dating someone available, but it’s still unlikely to last forever.
If you’re okay with that, then enjoy the ride. But if you’re looking for something more serious, you need to end things before you get too emotionally attached. There are so many amazing single guys out there, and you don’t need to waste your time on someone who isn’t available.
Final thoughts
Dating a married man is not for everyone. It’s a significant risk with the potential for heartbreaking consequences, and you can’t avoid the fact that you’re playing a part in destroying a marriage.
But if you’re careful and know what you’re doing, it can also be exciting and fun for a single woman with the right personality. Just be honest with yourself about your reasons for dating him, and always remember to put your happiness first.
