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When you really like someone, it’s easy to find yourself coming on too strong without even realizing it. You’re caught up in the romance and want to spend every waking minute with your new partner and push the relationship forward as fast as possible.
It’s great to be excited about a relationship, but many people find coming on too strong a major turn-off. It makes them feel suffocated and controlled, and they will quickly begin to pull away and lose interest.
If you’re worried that you might be coming on too strong, here are 14 signs to look for and how to achieve a more healthy balance.
What is the meaning of coming on too strong?
Coming on too strong is behavior towards a date or new partner that is overwhelmingly passionate, possessive, intense, or needy too quickly. It can manifest itself in many different ways, including showering the person with constant attention, not taking no for an answer, and being too quick to declare your love or talk about commitment.
In general, coming on too strong refers to any actions that make the other person feel uncomfortable, claustrophobic, suffocated, or like they need space. It’s a major turn-off, and it can cause the other person to lose interest quickly.
Of course, falling in love is a beautiful thing, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to show someone how much you care about them. However, you need to strike a balance between expressing your feelings and giving the other person some time and space to develop their own feelings.
How do you know if you’re coming on too strong?
1. You give them constant compliments
Everyone likes to feel appreciated, but it can come across as insincere or even creepy if you’re over the top with your compliments. Compliments are much more effective when they’re given sparingly and are specific to something the other person has done that you admire.
If you’ve only recently met the person you’re complimenting, there’s no way you could know enough about them to give an honest, personal compliment. Over time, as you get to know them better, your compliments will seem more genuine and less like you’re trying too hard.
2. You try to buy their affection with gifts
If you’re constantly showering your date or new partner with gifts, it can look like you’re trying to buy their affection. Most people will find these inappropriate gifts very awkward, and it will make them feel like the relationship is one-sided.
Gifts are fine in the early days if there’s a good reason – like a birthday or holiday. But if you’re giving gifts without any occasion, it’s best to wait until you know the person better.
If you want to show that you care during the early stages of a relationship, do something that’s more low-key and involves getting to know them better. For example, you could cook them dinner or take them on a special date to your favorite restaurant.
3. You make inappropriate declarations of love
Making wild declarations of love after two dates is one of the most obvious signs that you’re coming on too strong. It’s overwhelming for the other person, and it makes you look like you’re not really interested in getting to know them as a person.
Love takes time to develop, and there’s no way you could know if you’re truly in love after such a short time. If you want to show affection, stick to something like, “I’m really enjoying spending time with you.”
There’s no exact answer for the right time to say “I love you” for the first time, but on average, most people wait until around the 3-6 month mark.
If you feel like you’re in love after just a few weeks, it’s probably infatuation rather than true love. Infatuation feels a lot like love, but it’s not based on any real connection or understanding. Over time, infatuation either evolves into love or fades away as you start to see the person’s flaws.
Related post: How long should you wait before saying I love you?
4. You don’t take no for an answer
If you’re constantly pushing for what you want without taking the other person’s feelings into account, it will quickly become a major turn-off. You may think you’re being assertive and confident, but in reality, you’re just being pushy.
It’s important to be able to take no for an answer, especially in the early stages of a relationship when you’re still getting to know each other. If the other person says they’re not ready for something, it’s essential to respect their wishes and back off.
For example, if your date says they’re not ready to go on a romantic weekend away with you, don’t try to convince them or make them feel guilty. It’s their decision, and you need to be okay with that. Similarly, if they’re not ready to sleep with you yet, respect their wishes and don’t try to convince them otherwise.
5. You ask personal questions too soon
It’s natural to want to get to know someone better when you start dating them, but there’s such a thing as asking too many personal questions too soon. Bombarding your date with invasive questions will make them feel like they’re being interrogated.
Some personal questions are okay in the early stages of a relationship, but there’s a fine line to walk between getting to know someone and making them feel uncomfortable. If you’re not sure whether a question is too personal, err on the side of caution and avoid asking it.
A good rule of thumb is to stick to questions that help determine if you will be a good match. Interests, values, and goals are all good topics to discuss, but steer clear of asking questions about their past relationships or anything too personal.
6. You move too fast physically
Just like everything else in a relationship, physical intimacy should happen at a comfortable pace for both of you. If you’re trying to move too fast physically, it will make your date feel like they’re being pressured into something they’re not ready for.
It’s important to be patient and let things happen naturally. If you’re both on the same page, the physical side of your relationship will develop over time. There’s no need to rush things or force anything and relationships that move more slowly are often more successful.
7. You try too hard to impress them
Of course, you want to impress your new partner, but there’s a difference between showing them your best self and trying too hard. It will come across as try-hard and arrogant if you’re constantly trying to one-up them or show off.
It’s important to be yourself around your date and not try to be someone you think they want you to be. They’ll appreciate you more if you’re genuine and honest from the start.
8. You’re constantly texting or calling
Constant texts or calls in the early stages of a relationship make you look desperate and clingy. It’s normal to want to stay in touch with your new partner, but there’s such a thing as too much contact.
If you’re always the one texting or calling first, it will make you look like you’re more interested in them than they are in you. Try to space out your texts and make sure they have a chance to initiate contact as well.
9. You’re always available
If you’re always available whenever your date wants to see you, it will make you look like you have no life outside of the relationship. Feeling like you’re the only priority in someone’s life is too much pressure, and it will eventually become suffocating.
Develop your own hobbies and interests outside of the relationship. You should also make sure you’re not dropping everything else in your life just to see your new partner.
Schedule your dates in advance, so you have something to look forward to, and make sure you have plenty of other things going on in your life. Your significant other will be more interested in you if they know you’re a busy person with a lot going on.
10. You don’t give them any space
Everyone is different when it comes to needing space and time alone, but it’s wise to give your new partner some breathing room. It can be overwhelming if you’re always around them or trying to do things together 24/7.
It’s normal to want to spend a lot of time with someone you’re dating, but make sure you’re allowing them to miss you. Let them have some time to themselves or with their friends, and you’ll be happier for it in the long run.
Related post: How to give him space: 27 tips to avoid losing him
11. You show up without being invited
Surprise visits are fine occasionally, but if you’re constantly showing up without being invited, it will seem like you’re stalking them. It’s important to respect your partner’s space and boundaries, especially in the early stages of a relationship.
If you want to see them, ask if they’re free first. Don’t just show up at their house or workplace expecting them to drop everything to spend time with you.
12. You talk about commitment too early
Jumping the gun on commitment talks is one of the best ways to scare someone off. It’s normal to want things to progress quickly, but if you’re already talking about moving in together or getting married, it will make your date feel like you’re too emotionally attached and getting ahead of yourself.
The same goes for trying to put labels on your relationship too fast. No matter how much you want to call them your girlfriend or boyfriend, it’s important to let things develop naturally.
When you introduce them to family and friends, don’t spring a label like “my girlfriend” or “my boyfriend” on them without warning. Make sure you’ve had a conversation beforehand, and they’re comfortable with it first.
13. You’re Always Touching Them
Physical touch is essential to any relationship, but people have different boundaries around how much they like to be touched. If you’re constantly touching your date without asking first, it will make them feel uncomfortable and violated.
Always get consent before you touch someone you don’t know very well, even if you think it’s harmless. If they say no or pull away, respect their wishes and don’t try to force it. As they get more comfortable with you, they’ll likely be more open to physical affection.
14. You’re needy and demanding
Being needy and demanding is one of the quickest ways to turn someone off. If you always need reassurance or attention, it will make your date feel smothered and like they can’t ever do anything right.
Try to be more independent and confident in yourself. Don’t constantly need your partner’s approval or validation, and learn to be happy with your own company.
How to avoid coming on too strong
1. Let things evolve naturally
Every relationship develops at its own pace, so it’s important to let things evolve naturally. Constantly pushing for more without giving things time to grow will only make your date feel pressured and suffocated.
Take things slow and enjoy getting to know each other. Don’t rush into anything serious, and let things progress at a comfortable speed for both of you.
2. Communicate openly and honestly
One of the best ways to avoid coming on too strong is to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. If you’re feeling insecure or need more reassurance, let them know.
The same goes if you feel suffocated or like things are moving too fast. Expressing your feelings and needs will help ensure that both of you are on the same page.
3. Be confident in yourself
Neediness and insecurity are often at the root of coming on too strong. These are challenging problems, and working on them will take time and effort. Therapy can be a great way to help you work through these issues and build a stronger foundation of self-confidence.
In the meantime, focus on your positive qualities and what makes you unique. Don’t compare yourself to others or try to be someone you’re not. Accepting yourself for who you are is essential in being confident and secure in yourself.
4. Practice patience
Patience is vital when it comes to relationships. If you’re always trying to force things to progress, it will only make your date feel overwhelmed and turn them off.
Instead, try to be patient and enjoy getting to know someone new. Don’t worry about where things are going or what the future holds. Just focus on the present moment and savor your time together.
5. Make some rules for yourself
To avoid coming on too strong, setting some rules for yourself can be helpful. For example, you might decide that you’ll only text your date once a day or that you won’t initiate physical contact without their consent. Having guidelines can help you reign in your impulses and give things a chance to develop naturally.
6. Be a little mysterious
If you’re always putting all your cards on the table, it can make you seem desperate or uninteresting. Instead of being an open book, try to be a little mysterious.
Don’t share everything about yourself right away. Leave some things to be discovered so your date can enjoy the process of getting to know you.
7. Focus on your own life
If you’re always centering your life around your partner, it can make them feel suffocated. Instead of making them the center of your world, focus on other aspects of your life as well.
Spend time with friends, pursue your hobbies, and make sure you have a life outside your relationship. Having your own interests will make you more attractive and exciting to your partner.
Why do I always come on too strong?
Low self-esteem, insecurities, or fear of rejection are often at the heart of why people come on too strong. When you don’t feel good about yourself, you might try to overcompensate by showering the object of your affection with attention in the hopes that it will validate your worth.
You might also be trying to fill an emotional void and mistakenly believe that another person can do that for you.
If you’re afraid of rejection, coming on strong is a way of controlling the situation. By putting all your cards on the table from the start, you’re trying to eliminate the possibility that they’ll say no.
People with narcissistic tendencies can also come on too strong because they have an inflated sense of self and believe that everyone wants them. They might not even be interested in the other person and are just using them to boost their own ego.
How do you recover from coming on too strong?
The simplest way to recover is to take a step back and give the other person some space. If you’ve been texting or calling them constantly, try backing off for a while. Let them make the next move and see how they respond.
It’s also important to take responsibility for your actions and apologize if you’ve made the other person feel uncomfortable. A sincere apology can go a long way in repairing the damage that’s been done.
Finally, try to work on your own self-esteem and insecurities. The more confident and secure you feel, the less likely you’ll be to come on too strong in the future. Therapy or counseling can help explore these issues.
Final thoughts
If you’re coming on too strong, take a step back and reassess your behavior. Remember that relationships take time to develop, and things will progress more naturally if you give the other person some space.
Work on being patient and focus on enjoying getting to know someone new. And, of course, make sure you’re taking care of yourself emotionally so that you don’t feel the need to overcompensate in your relationships.
