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There’s nothing more confusing than when a guy starts blowing hot and cold. One minute he’s all over you, and the next, he’s acting like he couldn’t care less. Is he just playing mind games, or is there more to the story?
What is hot and cold behavior?
Hot and cold behavior is a toxic cycle where someone continually flips between showing interest in you and pulling away. The hot and cold cycle can run for a few days, or months at a time, and they don’t give you any explanation as to why they’re acting this way.
The mixed signals you get from hot and cold behavior leave you feeling confused, anxious, and frustrated.
If you’re dating a hot and cold guy, here’s what the cycle looks like:
Initially, he can’t get enough of you and wants to spend every moment by your side. He showers you with affection, compliments you, and seems genuinely interested in everything you say. Pretty soon, you find yourself falling for him, and you start daydreaming about the possibility of a happy future together.
Then, suddenly, he starts acting distant and withdraws from your life. He stops responding to your texts, blows off plans at the last minute, and makes you feel rejected and unwanted.
The feeling of rejection and disinterest is confusing and demoralizing, so you naturally put up protective walls and pull away from him in self-defense.
And then (surprise surprise), he magically transforms back into the attentive and loving guy you’ve been missing like nothing ever happened.
And so the cycle begins again…
12 reasons a guy goes hot and cold toward you
There are three main reasons why a guy acts hot and cold: He’s massaging his ego, he’s scared or confused, or there’s a communication problem in your relationship. Let’s look at some specific examples.
1. He’s unsure of his feelings for you
If he’s unsure how he feels about you, he might start acting hot and cold as he jumps back and forth between feelings of attraction and uncertainty.
Some days he convinces himself to take a chance on you and see where things go. He has fun when he’s with you, and he can see himself being in a committed relationship.
But then his fears creep in, and he starts to doubt his decision to get involved with you. He starts to worry that he’s making a mistake, so he pulls away to regroup and think things over.
2. He needs to feel in control
He may have a need to feel in control, and acting hot and cold is a way to assert his power.
He acts unpredictably, comes and goes as he pleases without explanation, and tests your boundaries to see how much he can get away with. He wants to keep you off balance and feeling insecure, so he can have the upper hand in the relationship and feel like a big man.
This is very immature behavior and typically reflects deeper self-esteem issues or fears about intimacy and abandonment.
3. He’s afraid of rejection
As soon as he develops strong feelings for you, he gets scared about the possibility of being rejected. But instead of being vulnerable and telling how he feels, he pushes you away before you have the chance to reject him first.
It’s a defense mechanism to protect his ego, but it’s also a self-fulfilling prophecy. You quickly become frustrated with his behavior, and he has to come running back before you reject him.
4. He’s afraid of commitment
He may have a fear of commitment because he’s been hurt in the past or his parents went through a difficult divorce when he was a child.
Deep down, he wants to be in a loving and committed relationship with you, but whenever you get too close or talk about the future, he feels suffocated, and his anxiety goes through the roof.
Instead of communicating his fears directly, he pulls away to keep you at a distance. But that doesn’t work either. He misses you almost as soon as he’s gone, so he returns to try again, and the hot and cold cycle continues.
Related post: 35 ways to make a man commit (without pressuring him)
5. He’s playing hard to get
He loves the thrill of the chase and he thinks it makes him desirable if plays hard to get and makes you work for his attention.
So he pays you lots of attention for a while and then suddenly goes cold and pulls away. He’s hoping you’ll miss him and try to get him hot again so the game can continue.
Playing hard to get is a subtle game, and it’s easy to take things too far and come across as rude and aloof. Sooner or later, you’ll get tired of playing and move on to someone who doesn’t make you jump through hoops to get a little attention.
6. He’s breadcrumbing you
Breadcrumbing is a dating tactic that involves giving someone just enough attention to keep them interested but never enough to move the relationship forward.
For example, he might text you out of the blue to say hi, but then never respond to your texts for days or weeks at a time. Or he agrees to go on a date with you but always has a last-minute excuse why he can’t make it.
Breadcrumbing is similar to hot and cold behavior, and guys do it for the same reasons. He might like the feeling of control, crave attention, or have a deep-seated fear of getting too close to someone.
7. He’s going through a tough time
Maybe he’s dealing with some personal issues, struggling at work, or still dealing with a difficult breakup with his ex. He has good days where he wants to see you and bad days where he behaves erratically because he doesn’t have the emotional energy to deal with a relationship.
Hopefully, he has the courage to talk to you about what’s going on, and you can support him through this tough time.
8. He’s self-involved
When he brushes you off and ignores you for two weeks, it doesn’t even occur to him that his behavior is hurtful and confusing. And when he does eventually text, he can’t understand why you’re so upset and expects everything to go back to normal.
This kind of self-absorbed behavior is tough to deal with, and you should ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with someone so self-absorbed.
9. He doesn’t know how you feel about him
Is it possible he’s behaving hot and cold because you’re sending him mixed signals? Maybe you’re even acting a little hot and cold yourself.
If you’re unsure how you feel about him, he might be behaving hot and cold to protect himself while trying to figure out your intentions. He’s hoping that you’ll give him some kind of signal to let him know where he stands.
All these mixed signals can easily be solved with open and honest communication. It’s okay if you’re unsure how you feel – just tell him you want to take things slow and see where things go.
10. He’s testing your boundaries
Testing your boundaries is a way for him to learn more about your personality and understand what makes you tick.
For example, pulling away and ignoring you helps him test how needy you are. If you start chasing after him and begging for his attention, he’ll know you’re clingy and crave a lot of attention.
Or, blowing hot and cold might be a test to see how much you like him. If you’re willing to chase him and put up with his behavior, it will prove that you’re invested in the relationship.
11. He’s struggling to communicate
Boundary testing by acting hot and cold is not a healthy way to communicate, and it shows that he lacks the confidence to express what he wants directly.
If you constantly have to play games and read between the lines, it’s a sign that you need to communicate more openly with each other.
12. He’s playing the field
Have you considered the possibility that he might be dating other women at the same time as you?
Stringing multiple women along is a lot of work, and it’s not surprising that he acts erratically and disappears for days at a time. When it’s your turn on the roster, he’s happy and attentive, but then he blows you off again when he’s seeing someone else.
If you’ve never agreed to be exclusive with each other, he can date who he wants, but you don’t need to put up with his hot and cold behavior.
The easy way to make a hot and cold guy commit
All men have a biological urge to feel useful and needed in their relationships. They crave the chance to step up and test their strengths and abilities.
This urge comes from a time when men had to compete to survive and protect their families from wild animals and rival tribes. Even though life was hard, they were constantly challenged and lived lives of purpose and meaning.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the “hero instinct,” and it explains why so many women struggle to attract guys and keep them committed.
The stakes are much lower today, but the need to feel useful remains deeply rooted in male biology. If a man doesn’t feel useful and needed in his relationship, he constantly feels like something is missing. These lingering doubts prevent him from fully committing and eventually cause him to go cold, emotionally pull away, or even be unfaithful.
The amazing thing is that you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct in any man. And when you do, you’ll give him exactly what he’s missing and make him feel deeply satisfied and content in your relationship. You’ll become his biggest priority and destroy any fear of commitment lingering in the back of his mind.
When you trigger a man’s hero instinct, he becomes comfortable fully investing in your relationship because he knows he’ll never need anyone else. In a matter of days, you’ll notice him become more protective, committed, and attracted to you than you ever dreamed was possible.
Never again will you have to deal with his hot and cold behavior, distance, or silence. He’ll think you’re reading his mind, and he’ll thank you for it every day.
So how do you trigger the hero instinct in a man?
This free video presentation from James Bauer will show you exactly what to say, what texts to send, and what to ask your man to trigger his hero instinct and make him want to work for your love and admiration.
It sounds almost too good to be true, but James’ techniques use proven psychology to tap into the deepest desires that all men feel.
If you’re struggling because your man seems distant or you can’t get him to commit, this will be the most eye-opening presentation you have ever seen.
Here’s the link to the free video again.
Signs of hot and cold behavior
What does it feel like to be in a hot and cold relationship? Here are all the signs to look out for.
1. It feels like push-pull
A push-pull relationship is when you feel constantly pushed away and then pulled back in again. You give up and stop showing interest when he pushes you away, which makes him chase you and pull you back in again. It’s an emotionally exhausting rollercoaster ride of highs and lows, and it’s never sustainable in the long term.
2. You never know what version of him you’ll get
You never know what version of him you’ll get on any given day. One day he’s charming and attentive, and the next, he’s cold and distant. It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone so unpredictable.
3. You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells
In a healthy relationship, you should feel comfortable being yourself without worrying about how your partner will react. But in a relationship with someone hot and cold, you always have to be careful not to do anything that might set them off and send them running again.
4. You feel like a nuisance contacting him
Because he’s so unpredictable, you never know when it’s the right time to contact him. Sometimes he’s happy to hear from you, but other times he makes it clear that you’re a nuisance. This makes you feel insecure and doubt yourself, wondering if you’re doing something wrong.
5. You feel used and taken for granted
He only wants to see you when it’s convenient for him, so there’s always a feeling that he’s using you. His hot and cold behavior makes you doubt yourself, and you start to wonder if he’s really interested in you or just using you for some other purpose.
6. He doesn’t follow through on plans or promises
When he’s with you, he’s all about making plans and promises for the future. But when he disappears again, all those plans go out the window, leaving you disappointed and disillusioned with no idea where you stand.
Even worse – when he returns, he expects you to pick up where you left off as if nothing has happened.
How to deal with hot and cold behavior
As we’ve seen, hot and cold behavior is driven by ego, fear, or a lack of open and honest communication. If you’re dealing with an ego-driven narcissist who likes to play games, you should move on and find someone more mature and emotionally stable.
But if fear of commitment or communication issues are the reason he’s blowing hot and cold, there are things you can do to try and correct the balance.
1. Talk to him
The first step is to understand why he’s behaving hot and cold. Is he afraid of commitment? Does he enjoy the chase? Is he just terrible at communicating his needs? Once you know the reason, you can decide whether or not to stay in the relationship and how to deal with his behavior.
Have an open and honest conversation about his behavior and let him know how it makes you feel. You’ll get a lot of helpful information from how he responds to this conversation.
If he’s hostile and defensive, it will show you that he’s playing the game of hot and cold for egoistic reasons, and it’s time to dump him for good.
But if he’s open and honest about his feelings, it will show you that there’s a chance you can make things work. And even if he’s not willing to open up to you, a simple acknowledgment and apology for his behavior will go a long way.
It will be a challenging conversation, but it will be worth it if you come away trusting his intentions and confident that he’s willing to change.
2. Be honest with yourself
It can be easy to get caught up in the game of hot and cold, but at the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if this is really what you want.
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone constantly blowing hot and cold? Or would you rather be with someone more consistent and predictable?
It’s important to remember that you deserve to be treated well, and you shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of behavior. If you’re not happy, then don’t be afraid to walk away.
3. Establish your boundaries
Regardless of his reasons for behaving hot and cold, you need to establish your own boundaries and stick to them. If you’re not happy with how he’s treating you, then make it clear that you won’t tolerate it any longer. This will give him a chance to change his behavior, but it will also protect you from getting hurt anymore.
For example, you might ask him to commit to seeing you once a week, or you might tell him that you need more regular communication from him.
It’s also important to remember that you don’t have to justify your boundaries to him. They’re for your protection, and you have every right to set them.
4. Don’t be clingy or needy
The worst thing you can do when he’s behaving hot and cold is to act needy or chase after him. It will only reinforce the cycle of hot and cold behavior and keep him from taking you seriously.
Instead, focus on yourself and your own happiness. Spend time with your friends and family, pursue your hobbies and interests, and make sure you’re doing things that make you happy.
Focusing on yourself will help give you back your power, but it might also make you more attractive to him. He’ll see that you’re happy and confident without him, and it will make him want to be a part of your life.
5. Be patient
Changing the behavior of someone used to playing hot and cold can take time, so you need to be patient. If he’s sincere about wanting to change, he’ll need time to adjust his behavior.
Encourage him by being understanding and supportive, but don’t try to force him to change. Ultimately, it’s up to him to decide whether or not he wants to change his ways.
When to walk away from a hot and cold relationship
The ball is in his court if you’ve had a conversation with him and made your expectations clear. As long as you see continual evidence that he’s making an effort to change, it’s worth sticking with him.
However, if he continues to violate your boundaries and refuses to make changes, it’s time to walk away. The instability and inconsistency of a hot and cold relationship is unhealthy and will damage your self-esteem. A relationship should make you feel good about yourself, not frustrated and confused.
