This post may include affiliate links to products we think you'll find useful. We may earn a small commission if you buy through these links. Read our affiliate disclosure.
You’ve been seeing a guy for a while, but for some reason, he refuses to get serious or put a label on your relationship. At this point, it feels like he’s just using you or keeping you around as a backup option.
You’re into him, but you need to know where you stand. If he’s not interested in a serious relationship then you need to move on and find someone who loves you and is fully committed to being a part of your life.
So what’s his deal?
Reasons he keeps you around when he doesn’t want a relationship
In some cases, you can almost forgive a guy for wanting you in his life when he isn’t ready for a relationship. For example, if he just got out of a long-term relationship, he might need some time to himself before jumping into another one.
But most of the time, stringing you along means that he’s not a nice guy and he’s just using you for his own selfish needs.
1. You’re his backup plan
It’s hard to admit, but is there a chance you’re his backup plan? He enjoys spending time with you, but he won’t fully commit because he’s constantly searching for the next “perfect girl” that ticks all his boxes.
If you’re his backup plan, he will never give you the love and commitment you deserve. As soon as he finds someone he thinks is a step up, he’ll ditch you without a second thought.
It’s unfair and disrespectful to consider you his plan-b, and you should walk away and find someone who will love you and appreciate you for who you are.
2. He’s afraid of being alone
Keeping you around may be a way of filling the lonely void in his life. He’s afraid of being single and alone, so he holds onto you even though he knows he doesn’t want a relationship.
He may never have learned to enjoy his own company and embrace the freedom of being single. Or he might be deeply insecure and crave your validation and emotional support without any of the strings attached.
You should find a guy who is comfortable in his skin and sees you as a wonderful addition to his life, not a convenient way to feel less lonely.
3. He’s addicted to the sex
If your sex life is amazing he might be keeping you around for his own physical needs. He loves how easy it is to hook up with you and he knows he can always count on you for a booty call. Why would he give up such a good time with no strings attached?
He might even be seeing other women, but you turn him on so hard he’ll always come back to you if he knows sex is on the table. The best way to deal with this is deny him any action for a while and see if he’s still interested.
There’s a lot more to a successful relationship than just great sex, so if you’re looking for something more you should kick him out of bed and find a guy who wants all of you, not just your body.
4. He has commitment issues
Some men have a fear of commitment because they think it will ruin their freedom and independence. They picture themselves being tied down and forced to make constant sacrifices and compromises to their lifestyle.
In other cases, it’s emotional intimacy that makes a certain type of guy scared of commitment. He may have been hurt in a past relationship or grown up in an environment where showing vulnerability was seen as a sign of weakness.
It’s okay if your man needs a little help to commit and there are ways you can work on building trust and intimacy in your relationship. But if he’s outright afraid of commitment, it might be time to let him go and find someone ready for a serious relationship.
5. He doesn’t want anyone else to have you
If a guy keeps you around to stop anyone else having you, it’s a serious red flag that he has controlling tendencies.
Maybe he’s a possessive control freak and he likes the idea of having you all to himself. Or perhaps you were in a relationship with him, and jealousy is preventing him from letting you move on and find happiness with someone else. He knows that you’ll be fine while he’s stuck feeling miserable and alone.
Whatever the reason, his behavior is controlling and manipulative, and the only way to stop him from hurting you is to walk away.
6. He doesn’t know what he wants
Your man might be dancing around the idea of being in a committed relationship because he has no idea what he wants from life.
He’s questioning everything and he’s not sure where he wants to be next week, let alone next year. Even if he’s totally into you, his lack of focus and direction makes it impossible for him to give you the commitment you deserve.
In some ways, it’s a good thing that he’s taking a lot of time to figure things out, but you need to decide how long you’re willing to wait around for him.
7. You’re giving him mixed signals
If you’re sending him mixed signals, he might be keeping you around because he’s not sure what you want from him.
Maybe you come on hot and cold, or you only reply to his texts when it suits you. Do you just want to hook up? Are you looking for a relationship? He’s confused and too scared to make a move in case he gets rejected.
So instead, he keeps you close and doesn’t make any decisions, hoping that you’ll eventually give him a clear signal about what you want. It’s not fair to lead him on, so think about what you really want and make your intentions clear.
8. He feels obligated to you
An obligation is one of the worst reasons to keep you around when he doesn’t want a relationship. Maybe you helped him out when he was going through a tough time, or he’s worried about your mental health if he breaks up with you. Or perhaps you’ve been together forever and he doesn’t want to hurt you.
Understandably, he feels worried about you, but that’s not a good reason to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make him happy. If he really cared about you, he would rip the Band-Aid off and end things so that you can both move on and find happiness elsewhere.
9. He’s been hurt in past relationships
If your man has been hurt in a past relationship, he’s likely terrified of having his heart broken again. So instead of putting himself out there and being vulnerable, he keeps you to the side and prevents himself from developing strong feelings.
Everyone has baggage from past relationships, but he needs to face his fears if he ever wants to find happiness. Encourage him to get the help he needs to work through his issues but don’t waste too much time waiting for him to change.
10. He has more important priorities
Even if he loves the idea of being with you, other things in his life might be more important to him.
Maybe he’s focused on his career or school, or he has a hobby or passion that consumes him every waking hour. Whatever the reason, you always seem to come second and it doesn’t seem like things will ever change.
It’s not fair for him to keep you hanging when he doesn’t have the time or energy to give you the attention you deserve. If he can’t make time for you now, he probably never will.
11. You’re convenient
There are lots of reasons why he might find it convenient to keep you hanging around. Maybe you live close by and it’s easy to hook up with you, or perhaps you’re always available to him when he’s bored or doesn’t have a better option.
Convenience is a very selfish reason to keep spending time with you, and it’s not fair to you. If you’re just a convenience to him, he’s not treating you with the respect you deserve.
12. He’s seeing someone else
Is it possible he’s seeing someone else, and you’re just a backup option? It’s not fair to string you along when he has someone else in his life, but some guys just can’t help themselves.
If you suspect he might be seeing someone else, pay attention to his behavior and see if there are any red flags. If you confront him and he gets defensive or won’t give you a straight answer, he’s likely cheating on you.
13. You tolerate his bad behavior
Some guys will try to take advantage of you and push your boundaries to see how much bad behavior you’ll put up with.
Maybe he’s constantly flirting with other girls, or he’s always making plans that don’t include you. Maybe he’s even cheated on you and you forgave him. Whatever the case may be, he knows he can get away with his bad behavior because you’re always there for him, no matter what.
It’s not healthy to be around someone who doesn’t treat you with respect, and you deserve better than that.
14. You’re too available to him
You might think always being available to him is a good way to show him how much you care, but it can actually have the opposite effect. If you’re too available, he might start to take you for granted.
Guys like it when you make them work a little bit for your attention and affection. It makes them feel more invested in the relationship and it makes them appreciate you more. It’s important to have your own life and not revolve your entire life around him. Make sure you stay in touch with your close friends and spend time doing the things you love.
15. He’s rebounding
Rebound relationships are a way for people to try to forget about their exes and move on with their lives. Having a rebound relationship doesn’t make him a bad guy, but they rarely work out in the long run, so just be aware that he may never give you the care and attention that you deserve.
If he constantly talks about his ex or compares you to her, it’s a red flag that he’s not over her yet. He might say things like, “My ex used to love it when I did this,” or “My ex always wanted me to take her here.” It’s unfair to string you along when he’s still hung up on someone else, so you might be better off moving on.
16. He has intimacy issues
Intimacy issues can be caused by a variety of things. He may have had a bad experience in a previous relationship, which has made him terrified of getting hurt or rejected. Or perhaps he’s suffering from childhood trauma, or he grew up in a family where emotional expression was not encouraged.
Emotional intimacy is a critical component of a loving and supportive relationship, and if he’s not able to open up to you, it will be difficult to have the type of relationship that you want. Think about encouraging him to talk to a therapist or relationship expert who can help him to become a more emotionally available person.
17. You’re his therapist
You should support your partner through good times and bad and do everything you can to have their back. But if he’s just using you as a sounding board to complain about everything wrong in his life, it’s not healthy for either of you.
Relationships are about give and take, and he’s clearly just keeping you around to be an emotional dumping ground. He has no interest in having an equal partnership where both of you share your problems and find solutions together.
18. He’s using you for money or connections
If he’s always hitting you up for money, it’s a major red flag that he’s taking advantage of you. He should be able to take care of himself and it’s not your responsibility to give him financial support.
Similarly, if he’s always asking you to put in a good word for him with your boss or help him get connected with your friends, it shows that he has no romantic interest in you and only cares about what you can do for him.
19. He thinks he’s not good enough
Fear of not being good enough may be the reason he’s keeping you at arm’s length and can’t fully commit. If he doesn’t feel like he’s worthy of your love, he may sabotage the relationship by pushing you away.
The most common reason for this belief is low self-esteem, which can be caused by a variety of things, including bullying, or growing up in a highly critical family where he was never supported and constantly told he doesn’t measure up.
You might also be trying to exert too much control in the relationship and he feels suffocated. If you try to micromanage everything he does or tell him what to do all the time, it will only make him feel worse about himself. It’s important to give him some space and trust that he’s capable of making his own decisions.
20. He only likes you as a friend
Is it possible that he only sees you as a friend? This is often the case when people start out in a relationship and then realize that they’re not sexually or romantically attracted to the other person.
It’s important to have an honest conversation with him about your feelings and see if he feels the same way. If not, then you should look for someone who truly wants to be in a romantic relationship. It doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends, but you need to exert your boundaries and set the tone for the type of relationship you want.
21. He’s questioning his sexuality
Is there a chance he’s questioning his sexuality? It can be confusing and scary to come to terms with his true feelings, so he may be pushing you away while he tries to figure things out.
It’s important to be supportive and understanding if this is the case. If he’s not ready to come out, respect his wishes and give him the space he needs. However, he needs to also treat you with dignity and respect and not string you along for too long.
22. He’s using you to impress his friends
Some guys will keep a girl around to show off to their friends and make themselves look good. If he’s always bragging about you or trying to show you off, it shows that he’s insecure and needs validation from others.
This type of behavior is a red flag that he’s not interested in a real relationship. He’s more concerned with what other people think of him and how they perceive him. It’s important to have self-respect and not be used as a trophy by someone who doesn’t truly care about you.
23. His family is pressuring him
In some cultures, it’s normal for families to be very involved in their children’s love lives. They may even set them up with someone they approve of and expect them to get married and start a family.
This often works out great, but if he’s not into you or doesn’t feel ready for a serious relationship, it can be a lot of pressure. He may be keeping you around because he doesn’t want to deal with disappointing his family.
Maintaining his parent’s approval might be a good idea for him in the short term, but it’s not fair to you. If he’s not ready to take things to the next level, it’s important to have a conversation with him and understand exactly where you stand.
Signs he’s keeping you around when he doesn’t want a relationship
Here are some clear signs to look out for that he has no interest in being in a relationship with you.
1. He never has time for you
Do you feel like you’re always the one making sacrifices to spend time with him? If he’s often too busy to see you or cancels plans at the last minute, it shows that you’re not a priority in his life.
It’s obvious he only wants to see you on his terms when he’s bored or got nothing else going on. This makes you feel alone, unimportant, and invisible, especially if he always seems to find time for his friends and hobbies.
2. You’re always the one initiating contact
Do you feel like you’re the only one reaching out? If he never texts or calls you first, it shows that he’s not interested in keeping in touch. He’s waiting for you to make the first move so he doesn’t have to put in much effort.
3. He doesn’t introduce you to his friends and family
If he’s not interested in introducing you to the people closest to him, he probably doesn’t see you as a long-term partner. He’s keeping you separate from the most important people in his life because he doesn’t see a future with you.
4. He doesn’t open up to you
Committed partners tell each other personal details about their hopes and dreams, and they want to know each other on a deeper level. This emotional connection is more important than your sexual relationship and is one of the foundations of a healthy relationship.
Emotional connection is not just about bearing your soul to your partner. It’s also about the little everyday acts of intimacy and sharing – like when your partner has a stressful day at work, and you’re there to listen to them and offer support.
If he never wants to get to know you beyond the surface level, it’s obvious he doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. He’s just keeping you around for his own selfish reasons.
5. He’s inconsistent with his words and actions
Does he say one thing and then do another? If he’s constantly making promises that he doesn’t follow through on, it shows that he’s not really interested in you. He’s just telling you what you want to hear to keep you around.
6. He runs hot and cold
Being with someone who’s always changing their mind can be confusing and frustrating. If he’s constantly blowing hot and cold, it’s a good sign that he doesn’t know what he wants. He’s not sure if he wants to be with you or not, so he’s keeping you around while he decides.
When things are running hot, he makes you feel amazing. You even dare to dream about a future with him. And then, just as suddenly, he pulls away, and winter returns. You feel disappointed and depressed, and you wonder what you did to make him pull away.
You deserve to be in a relationship that’s all hot. The question is, how long are you going to wait for him to thaw out?
7. He won’t make future plans with you
Does he get angry, defensive, or shut down if you try to talk about the future with him?
Talking about the future is a way of signaling commitment and strengthening your connection. It’s also fun to imagine what your future life might look like together. Where will you live? What will your house look like? Do you want kids, and how many?
It’s true that most guys probably don’t fantasize about dream weddings and family life as much as women. But if he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he’d still be excited to talk about the future and plan a life with you.
8. He doesn’t want to label the relationship
Whether he likes it or not, putting a label on your relationship is about being open and honest with each other about what you want. It’s a way of moving forward together instead of just drifting along.
If he doesn’t want to label your relationship, it’s because he doesn’t want anything serious with you. He wants to keep his options open so he can see other people and he’s trying to avoid giving you any expectations about the future.
9. He’s still active on dating apps
If he’s still using dating apps, it’s a clear sign that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He’s still looking for something better, and he hasn’t closed his dating profile because he wants to keep his options open.
10. He treats you more like a friend than a girlfriend
Does it feel like he’s your buddy rather than your boyfriend? With a friend, you might share some intimate details about your life, but there’s still a distance between you. You don’t have the same level of emotional intimacy or connection that you have with a partner.
It’s normal to be friends with your partner, but if that’s all you are, it’s not enough for a lasting relationship. You deserve to be with someone who loves and values you, and who treats you like their girlfriend, not just their friend.
Final thoughts
I hope this article has helped you understand all the real reasons why your man might be keeping you around. If you’re struggling to let go, remember that you deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who loves and values you, and who wants to build a future with you.
It’s okay to give him a chance and encourage him to commit, but don’t wait forever. If he’s not ready to move forward, it’s time to let him go and find someone who is.
