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Do you feel like you’re not good enough for your partner? Maybe you think you’re not smart enough, or not pretty enough, or just completely out of his league.
You don’t understand how he could be with someone as ordinary as you, and any day you expect him to realize his mistake and kick you to the curb.
I know it doesn’t help much, but you’re not alone. Many women suffer from these feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt on a daily basis.
Even if you accept that it’s all in your head, feeling not good enough has very serious consequences for your relationship. In an effort to protect yourself, you pull away from your partner emotionally, which only creates more distance between you.
The good news? You can feel worthy of him, learn to love yourself, and restore the balance in your relationship.
Why you don’t feel good enough for him
Before you can take action to feel good enough for him, you need to understand why you feel this way. After all, it’s not like you’re consciously thinking, “I’m not good enough for him, so I’d better push him away.”
There are usually deep-seated reasons for your feelings of inadequacy, even if you’re not aware of them. Here are some common causes:
1. You have low self-esteem
Self-esteem is your sense of self-worth and personal value. In simple terms, it’s how much you like and respect yourself.
You don’t think very highly of yourself if you have low self-esteem. You believe you’re not as good as other people and you don’t deserve good things in life.
Everyone struggles with low-self esteem at times, but some people have such a negative view of themselves that it starts to affect their relationships and everyday life.
Low self-esteem has a way of creeping up on you, almost unnoticed. Maybe it started with a critical parent or teacher, childhood sexual or emotional abuse, or being constantly teased by your siblings or classmates. Over time, you came to truly believe that you weren’t good enough, and that belief has become so deeply entrenched that it’s hard to shake.
2. You’re comparing yourself to others
It’s perfectly natural to compare yourself to other people, but it can lead to feelings of inadequacy when you do it all the time.
You compare your looks to models in magazines, your intelligence to your co-workers, or your achievements to those of your friends or family members. And unfortunately, you constantly come up short.
Of course, you’re only seeing part of the picture when you make these comparisons. You don’t know what’s going on in other people’s lives or what they had to go through to get where they are.
What’s more, everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Just because someone is pretty or smart doesn’t mean they’re happy or successful.
3. You’ve been hurt in the past
A bad breakup or a series of failed relationships can leave you feeling like you’re not good enough for anyone, let alone the man you’re currently with.
You might think, “I must be really undesirable if all those other guys didn’t want me,” or “There’s obviously something wrong with me if I keep getting dumped.”
These negative beliefs about yourself become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You think you’re not good enough, so you act in ways that push your partner away. In turn, he starts to lose interest and pulls away from you, which only confirms your belief that you’re not good enough for him.
4. Your appearance has changed
People are most worried about their looks when they first start dating someone new. But even if you’ve been together for a while, changes in your appearance can affect how you feel about yourself and how you think he feels about you.
For example, maybe you’ve gained some weight since you got together, or you’re not taking as good care of yourself as you used to. As a result, you may feel less attractive and think he must be regretting being with you.
5. Your relationship has problems
It’s easy to blame yourself when things aren’t going well in a relationship. But the truth is, every relationship has its ups and downs.
Every couple occasionally argues, feels less attracted to their partner, and goes through phases where they’re not as connected. However, these difficult times are usually temporary, and good communication and empathy help you come out the other side even stronger.
Unfortunately, it’s easy to see these problems as a sign that you’re not good enough for him. If you’re constantly worried that he’s going to leave you or that he’s not as interested in you as he used to be, it can start to affect how you feel about yourself.
6. You put him on a pedestal
If you think he’s perfect and can do no wrong, it’s only natural that you feel like you’re not good enough for him. After all, why would someone who’s so perfect want to be with an actual real person who’s got flaws and imperfections?
The reality is that nobody is perfect. We all have our own quirks and imperfections, and that’s what makes us unique and special.
Think about whether you might be infatuated with him instead of actually being in love. Are you only seeing the perfect, fantasy version and ignoring all his faults?
7. He doesn’t respect you
If your partner doesn’t respect you, it’s because he doesn’t see you as his equal. He actually does think he’s better than you and his behavior makes you feel like you’re not good enough for him every single day.
Signs of disrespect in a relationship include him talking to you in a condescending or demeaning way, interrupting you, or making decisions without consulting you first. He might also dismiss your feelings and opinions or make fun of things that are important to you.
A healthy relationship is built on trust, respect, and support. If your partner is regularly making you feel like you’re not good enough, it’s a major red flag, and you should consider leaving the relationship.
8. He won’t commit to you
Lack of commitment from a guy can leave you wondering if there’s something wrong with you. This is especially true if he has trouble communicating how he feels and pulls away every time you try to take your relationship to the next level.
The truth is, there are many reasons why men struggle to commit, and it may have nothing to do with you at all.
If you’re dating a guy who can’t or won’t commit to you, it’s important to take things slow and give him space. Don’t try to force him into anything too quickly, and always treat him with empathy and compassion.
Find a way to talk to him about it, and explain what you need from him to feel secure in the relationship. If he’s not willing to meet your needs, it might be time to move on.
Related post: How to get him to commit: 18 essential tips
9. He won’t make future plans with you
When you’re in a serious relationship with someone, it’s natural to want to make plans for the future together. You’re excited to discuss the big questions like kids, where you want to live, and what kind of life you want to build together.
But if he always seems to shut down or change the subject, it makes you feel like he’s not interested in a future with you.
The most common reason he’s scared to make plans is fear of commitment. As I discussed above, take it slow and try not to pressure him into anything before he’s ready.
10. He never compliments you
If your partner never compliments you, it can make you feel like you’re not good enough for him. If he can’t even take the time to say something nice, why is he even with you in the first place?
If you’re craving more words of affirmation in your relationship, introduce your man to the concept of “love languages.” It might be that he simply doesn’t understand how important compliments are to you, and once he does, he’ll start making an effort.
11. He is trying to control you
A controlling partner will make you feel like you’re not good enough for him because he’s constantly trying to control your behavior. He might tell you what to wear, who to spend time with, or what kind of job you should have.
He might also try to control your emotions by making you feel guilty or manipulating you into doing things his way.
A relationship should be built on trust, respect, and equality. If your partner is trying to control you, it’s a major red flag that he doesn’t see you as his equal.
12. He only cares about the chase
Some guys care more about the chase than they do about the actual relationship. They pursue you relentlessly in the beginning, but once they “catch” you, they quickly lose interest.
It’s no wonder you feel like you’re not good enough for him. In your mind, he spent all this time trying to win you over, and as soon as you showed him the “real you,” he realized what a mistake he’d made and ran for the hills.
The best way to deal with this is to talk to him about your feelings and see where he stands. If he’s not interested in a serious relationship, it might be best to end things before you get too attached.
13. No one would ever be good enough for him
There are some men who will never be happy with any woman because they’re just too picky. They’re looking for the perfect woman who doesn’t exist, and as a result, they end up sad and alone.
If your partner has a long list of unrealistic expectations, it’s no wonder you feel like you’re not good enough for him. No one could ever meet all his standards, so why even bother trying?
If he can’t see how amazing you are, he’s not the right man for you. You should be with someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are, not someone who’s always looking for the next best thing.
How to raise your self-esteem and feel good enough for him
Now that we’ve looked at why you might feel like you’re not good enough for him, let’s talk about all the steps you can take to change the way you feel.
1. Understand why you don’t feel good enough for him
The first step is to understand why you don’t feel good enough for him. Hopefully, after reading through the list above, you have a better idea of the root cause of your insecurity.
If the problem is related to your self-esteem, trauma from past relationships, or some other personal insecurity, there are plenty of resources available to help you work through those issues.
Start by talking to a best friend or trusted family member, and consider seeing a therapist if you need more professional help. The most important thing is that you recognize that these feelings come from within yourself, not from anything he’s actually doing.
However, if your partner’s behavior is causing your feelings of inadequacy, it’s important to have a conversation with him about your concerns. If he’s not willing to treat you with the love and respect you deserve, you need to reconsider whether this is a healthy relationship.
2. Work on your confidence and self-esteem
If your feelings of inadequacy are coming from a place of low self-confidence, it’s important to start working on building yourself up. This is not an overnight process, but investing time in your happiness and learning to love yourself is the best gift you’ll ever give yourself.
Many people find journaling a valuable tool for exploring their thoughts and emotions. Start by making a list of all the things you love about yourself, both inside and out. Write down your strengths, talents, and accomplishments. Then, spend some time each day writing down things you’re grateful for, things that make you happy, and any accomplishments you’ve made recently.
Related post: 105 amazing things to love about yourself
3. Get out of your comfort zone
Getting out of your comfort zone is also a great way to build confidence. Try to do things that scare you a little bit every day, even if they’re small things. This could be anything from talking to a stranger to taking a dance class.
Challenging yourself on a regular basis will help you realize that you’re capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for.
4. Don’t compare yourself to others
One of the worst things you can do is to compare yourself to other people. This will only make you feel worse about yourself, and it’s not an accurate representation of who you are.
Remember that everyone is different, and what works for one person might not work for another. There are no perfect people in this world, so don’t waste your time comparing yourself to an unrealistic standard.
Focus on your own journey and be proud of the person you’re becoming. As long as you’re happy with who you are, that’s all that matters.
5. Do things that make you feel good about yourself
Make sure you devote plenty of time to any hobbies or activities that you love. Doing things you enjoy (and that you’re good at) will make you feel good about yourself and increase your self-esteem.
These activities will also help you maintain your sense of identity outside your relationship. Your self-worth is much more than what your partner thinks of you, so don’t forget to nurture the other aspects of your life.
6. Stop trying to please everyone
If you’re the type of person who’s constantly trying to please everyone, it’s time to stop. Start saying “no” to people when you don’t want to do something, and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. You don’t have to be a doormat to be liked or loved.
Remember that you’re not responsible for making everyone happy and that it’s okay to put your own needs first sometimes. Once you start doing things that make you happy, you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel about yourself.
7. Don’t change for someone else
Changing things about yourself that you don’t like is a beautiful way to build self-confidence. However, you should only ever do this for yourself and not for someone else.
If your partner asks you to change something about yourself that you’re not comfortable with, it will worsen your feelings of inadequacy. If he truly loves and respects you, he will accept you for who you are, flaws and all.
8. Lean on your friends & family
When you’re feeling down about yourself, it’s essential to have a supportive network of friends and family to lean on. These people love you no matter what, and they’ll be there to help you through tough times.
Spend time with these people as often as you can, and don’t be afraid to talk to them about how you’re feeling. They’ll be more than happy to lend a listening ear and offer words of wisdom or encouragement.
9. Accept compliments
When someone pays you a compliment, it’s important to believe them. Don’t brush it off or downplay your accomplishment. Instead, say “thank you” and accept the compliment with grace.
Allow yourself to feel proud of your accomplishments, even if they seem small. Every success, no matter how big or small, is worth celebrating.
10. Give yourself credit
When you do something well, give yourself credit! Don’t be so quick to downplay your successes or write them off as luck. You worked hard to achieve what you have, so you deserve to feel proud of your accomplishments.
Updating your journal with all your successes (no matter how small) will help you see just how far you’ve come. Reading back on old entries will give you a much-needed confidence boost when you’re feeling down about yourself.
11. Talk to a therapist
If you have trouble working through your negative thoughts and emotions, talking to a counselor or clinical psychologist will be helpful. They can help you understand the root of your problem and give you tools to deal with your self-doubt.
It’s easy to get stuck in your own head, and having a neutral party to talk to can be incredibly helpful and give you new perspectives.
Final thoughts
Just by reading through this article, you’ve taken the first step to improving your self-esteem and feeling worthy of love and happiness.
If you find yourself in a toxic or abusive relationship, please reach out for help. There are many resources available to you, and you deserve to be in a safe and healthy relationship.
