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When you hear the words “transactional relationship,” you might automatically think of a business relationship. However, romantic relationships can also be transactional, and many couples find that it works well for them.
In this article, I’ll show you everything you need to know about transactional relationships, including the signs you’re in one, the advantages and disadvantages, and what to do if you want to change the dynamic of your relationship.
But first, what exactly is a transactional relationship?
What is a transactional relationship?
A transactional relationship is one where each partner gets something out of the relationship and gives something in return. Much like a business relationship, a quid pro quo arrangement is in place.
The roles and responsibilities of each partner are clearly defined, and there is a strong focus on keeping the “transaction” going smoothly. In other words, both partners know what they expect from the relationship and what they need to deliver to get what they want.
While this might sound a bit clinical or unromantic, many couples find that transactional relationships work well for them. After all, if both partners know what they want and need from the relationship, it can take much of the guesswork and drama out of daily life.
However, transactional relationships can also be very tumultuous. There’s a constant tension between getting what you want from the relationship and giving up what you need to maintain the status quo. If one partner isn’t getting what they want or feel like they’re being taken advantage of, it can lead to a lot of resentment and conflict.
Transactional relationships can take many different forms. Even a traditional marriage where the man is the breadwinner and the woman takes care of the home and children can be seen as a form of transactional relationship.
Examples of transactional relationships
- One partner has strong career aspirations, and the other agrees to attend functions and parties and play a role in helping further their partner’s career. In return, the working partner promises future wealth and financial security.
- One partner stays home to manage the household and raise the children while the other goes to work.
- One partner provides emotional support and stability, while the other provides financial support.
- One partner expects they will give sexual favors or act as “arm candy” in exchange for financial or emotional support.
Transactional vs. transformational relationships
In contrast to the business-like arrangement of a transactional relationship, a transformational relationship is one where both partners strive to help each other grow and develop as individuals.
There is still an exchange of resources, but the goal is not to simply get what you’re owed. Instead, you help your partner become the best version of themselves in addition to focusing on your own success and personal growth.
Transformational relationships are often seen as more rewarding than transactional relationships. However, they can be just as challenging. Since both partners are striving to grow and develop together, there’s a greater chance for conflict, misalignment of goals, and frustration.
It’s also important to note that not all couples who start out with a transactional relationship end up staying in one. As both partners grow and change, the relationship dynamic often changes and evolves into something more transformational.
Signs you’re in a transactional relationship
So, now that you know more about transactional relationships, let’s look at some signs that you might be in one.
1. You have clearly defined roles and responsibilities
In a transactional relationship, you both know precisely what is expected of you and what you can expect from your partner. There is a clear understanding of who does what and why.
For example, one partner might be responsible for earning the income while the other takes care of the household. Or one partner might handle all the financial decision-making while the other focuses on emotional support.
2. Your relationship feels more like a business arrangement than a romance
A transactional relationship often feels more like a business partnership than a romantic one. You’re both focused on getting what you want or need from the relationship, and there’s less emotional connection. You may still care for each other, but the relationship focuses on meeting each other’s needs rather than forging a deep emotional bond.
3. You constantly keep score
Constantly keeping score is a way of life in a transactional relationship. Everything is a competition, and you always keep track of who did what and who owes what to whom. For example, you might track how much money your partner has spent, how often they help out around the house, or how much emotional support you’ve given compared to what you’ve received.
4. You have a hard time compromising
Compromising in a transactional relationship can be difficult because you both feel you’re giving up something. If your partner wants to change the terms of the agreement, it can feel like they’re trying to take something away from you.
5. You often feel resentful
Since a transactional relationship is based on an exchange of resources, it’s easy to feel disappointed when you don’t get what you’re owed. If your partner doesn’t live up to their responsibilities, it can leave you angry, frustrated, and resentful.
Related post: How to fix resentment in a marriage (15 practical tips)
6. There’s a lack of emotional intimacy
You’re not doing things for your partner because you want to make them happy, but rather because you expect something in return. As a result, there’s less opportunity for meaningful connection and intimacy.
7. You don’t know your partner on a deep level
Partners in transactional relationships often don’t know much about each other beyond the basics. You might know their favorite color or food, but you don’t really know what makes them tick at a fundamental level.
Why? Because the goal of the relationship is not to get to know your partner better but rather to meet each other’s needs. As a result, you don’t feel the need to learn about their hopes, dreams, or fears.
8. Your conversations are surface level
Since you don’t know much about your partner, your conversations are often surface-level. You might talk about the weather, the latest celebrity gossip, or what’s going on at work, but you don’t have in-depth conversations about things that matter to you.
9. You avoid conflict
It’s natural to assume that transactional relationships are full of conflict, but that’s not always the case. If you’re afraid of losing what your partner provides or being forced to change the terms of the agreement, you might sweep issues under the rug rather than deal with them head-on.
10. You have different friends and interests
In a transactional relationship, it’s common for each partner to have a separate group of friends and interests. You’re not interested in the same things and don’t do things together as a couple because that’s not relevant to your transactional agreement.
11. You don’t do nice things without a motive
You always have an ulterior motive and will never do something just because you want to make your partner happy. In fact, you might even feel resentful if you do something nice and don’t get anything in return.
12. Everything feels like a negotiation
In a transactional relationship, everything feels like a negotiation. You’re always trying to figure out what you can get in return for what you’re giving. If you find yourself asking the following questions a lot, it’s a sign that your relationship is transactional:
- What do I have to do to get what I want?
- What’s in it for me?
- How can I use this to my advantage?
- Why should I do this for you when you’re not doing anything for me?
13. You get punished when you don’t deliver
One of the most significant downsides of transactional relationships is knowing that your partner will withhold what you want if you don’t deliver your end of the bargain. If you rely on your partner for something important – like financial support – this can leave you feeling anxious and powerless.
Are transactional relationships bad?
Transactional relationships are not inherently wrong but only work if both partners get what they want from the arrangement. If one person starts to feel like they’re being taken for granted, it can quickly lead to resentment and conflict.
Constantly keeping score and always trying to get something in return can make it difficult to relax and enjoy the relationship. Your mind is preoccupied with figuring out how to get what you want instead of simply enjoying your partner’s company.
Transactional relationships become toxic when one partner is forced into the relationship and doesn’t have a way to get out. For example, when one person is financially dependent on the other or when there is an imbalance of power.
If you’re in a transactional relationship that feels unhealthy, make sure you reach out for help.
Advantages of transactional relationships
1. Each partner has clear roles and responsibilities
Transactional relationships can provide a strong sense of transparency, stability, and certainty. There’s no guesswork involved, and each person knows exactly what to expect from the other.
2. There’s less drama
Because there is less emotional intimacy, there is also often less drama. If you’re not invested in each other’s lives, you’re less likely to get wrapped up in petty arguments and jealousy.
3. There may be more equality
When a transactional relationship works well, it can create a more equal dynamic because each person gets what they need from the relationship without sacrificing their own needs.
Of course, this only works if both partners are happy with the arrangement. If one person starts to feel like they’re being taken advantage of, it can lead to resentment and conflict.
4. Some personality types thrive on competition
Some people are naturally competitive, and transactional relationships can be a good fit. If you’re the type of person who likes to win and always gets something in return, a transactional relationship can be a healthy way to meet those needs.
Just make sure that your partner is on the same page. If they’re not competitive or if they start to feel like you’re always trying to one-up them, it can create tension in the relationship.
Disadvantages of transactional relationships
1. Your relationship can feel like a job
Your relationship can feel like a job if you’re constantly keeping score and trying to get something in return. Relaxing and enjoying time with your partner becomes more complicated when your mind is preoccupied with thoughts of what you need to do to get what you want.
2. You may never develop a deep emotional connection
Because transactional relationships are focused on what each person can do for the other, it’s easy never to develop a deep emotional connection which can leave you feeling lonely and unfulfilled, even if you’re getting everything you want from the relationship.
3. There’s a lack of mutual support
In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel like they can rely on each other for support, whether it’s emotional or practical. But in a transactional relationship, there is often a lack of mutual support because each person focuses on what their partner can do for them.
4. There’s less flexibility
Transactional relationships can be rigid and inflexible because each partner is less willing to compromise and make sacrifices for the other. Over time, this can lead to tension and resentment.
For example, if one person is responsible for earning money and they lose their job, the whole relationship can quickly fall apart because they can no longer meet their end of the bargain.
5. You may start to resent each other
It’s easy to start resenting your partner in a transactional relationship because you always keep score. It can lead to frustration and bitterness if you feel like you’re putting more into the relationship than you’re getting back.
How to break the patterns of a transactional relationship
If you’re tired of the transactional nature of your relationship, it is possible to break the patterns and create a more equal and emotionally intimate connection. However, it will only work if both partners are willing to make some profound changes.
Here are some valuable tips:
- Give without expecting anything in return.
- Stop competing with each other and focus on cooperation.
- Start sharing your feelings and needs with each other.
- Make time for activities that don’t have a purpose or goal.
- Create mutually supportive habits, such as talking about your day or offering help when one of you is struggling.
- Focus on quality time instead of quantity time.
- Share responsibilities rather than dividing them up.
- Don’t play the blame game.
- Seek out counseling or therapy if necessary.
