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In a perfect world, skin color would be completely irrelevant to how you see someone, and it would be exactly the same as eye color or hair color. You don’t judge someone differently if they have blue or brown eyes, so why should skin color be different?
Hopefully, we’ll get to this ideal world one day, but we still have a very long way to go.
It’s important to note that skin color is very different from culture in this context. Even though skin color should be irrelevant to the assumptions you make about someone, different cultures should be celebrated.
There’s no avoiding the fact that dating someone from a different culture or race makes things a little more challenging. Interracial relationships involve two different races or cultures coming together, and that’s going to make for some subtle differences. In most cases, it’s a fun and exciting learning experience to figure out all the subtle ways your cultures differ from each other.
In this article, I’ll focus on the experience of white women dating black guys. This is purely based on my own experience, and many of these tips could equally apply to white men dating black women.
If you’re a white woman currently dating a black man (or thinking about it), I hope these tips are useful to help you understand the differences between dating a black guy vs a white guy.
1. A black guy might talk about race more than a white guy
In my experience, a lot of white people are uncomfortable talking about racism, or race in general. This is understandable because it can be seen as a sensitive subject, and bringing up the topic could offend someone.
On the other hand, a black guy might talk about race more than you’re comfortable with and want to have open discussions about discrimination and privilege. They may also feel very comfortable discussing these topics in explicit detail when you don’t feel the same.
It’s important to respect that a black guy wants to talk about this stuff because it’s a part of his everyday life and experience. If you’re dating a black guy, I would encourage you to stay engaged in these conversations as much as possible.
2. A black guy might be more sensitive about race in general
A black guy is likely to care deeply about certain issues related to race and have very strong opinions that you might not fully understand.
There’s a lot of emotion tied up in talking about race, so be patient and don’t get offended if he gets especially passionate, upset, or sensitive. He might even get frustrated when you don’t seem to fully “get” why something is offensive or frustrating on the surface.
He (obviously) has every right to feel upset when discussing any injustices he has experienced throughout his life. He has probably had a very different experience to you and you should respect that.
3. People will still judge you when you’re out in public
It’s a sad reality that some people will still judge you when they see you out in public, and they’ll make assumptions about why you’re together simply because of your different skin colors.
Unfortunately, this is something that you just have to deal with as an interracial couple. It’s frustrating, but you can’t control other people’s opinions.
You just have to do your best to ignore any disapproving looks and sidelong glances. If someone is offensive enough to say something hurtful, it’s up to you both whether you call them out on their inappropriate behavior.
In my experience, it’s impossible to change someone’s mind about this kind of issue, and you’re better off just ignoring them. It’s often a generational issue, and soon those kinds of people will be gone and replaced by a more open-minded younger generation.
Just focus on enjoying your relationship, and don’t let these incidents get in the way of how you feel about each other. The most important thing is that he feels respected and loved for who he is as a person, not the color of his skin.
4. Random strangers will be curious about your relationship
There will also be plenty of people who are just plain curious about your relationship. They might even come up to you and ask questions about how you met and why you’re together.
It may seem annoying at times, but try to see it as their ignorance rather than any kind of personal attack. They don’t know any better, and they’re not trying to offend you. It might even be the first black man they’ve ever seen with a white woman, and it’s a novelty for them.
The one exception to this is when people assume that you’ve got a ‘thing’ for dating black guys vs white guys. They believe you’re only with him because of the way he looks and not who he is as a person.
Of course, the way we look does help define who we are. But assuming that you’re dating him based on looks alone is a very ignorant and shallow perspective.
5. Don’t fetishize him because of the color of his skin
Even if you are super into black guys, don’t fetishize and objectify him because of the color of his skin.
It’s great if you have a strong physical attraction, but there needs to be much more to it than that. You should appreciate him as a person and want to date him for who he is, not just his looks.
In my experience, black men and black women are constantly asked about their skin color and have to put up with people making comments. I’m sure your man doesn’t want to be reduced down to a single physical characteristic, and he’s probably sick of hearing about it.
And, of course, the reverse is also true. He shouldn’t want to be with you just because of his sexual attraction to your white skin. Of all his potential partners, I hope he’s with you because he’s falling in love with the whole package.
6. He doesn’t represent all black people
You might believe that you’re open-minded, and you can see past the color of someone’s skin tone, race, or culture – but here’s the truth. We all hold onto certain stereotypes and make assumptions about people even when we try not to.
It doesn’t make you a bad person, and it’s just a product of growing up in your particular bubble. As you’re growing up, there are only so many different races, cultures, and backgrounds that you get exposed to, and it’s hard not to fall back on stereotypes to fill the gaps.
The most important thing to remember is that he doesn’t represent his entire ethnic group, and he’s a unique individual with his own opinions, interests, and experiences. Just because others within his race have a particular characteristic doesn’t mean he does as well.
The best thing you can do is try very hard not to make assumptions about what he thinks, believes, or enjoys based on his race. Treat him like an open book and discover what he’s about for himself.
A great example of this is making assumptions about a black guy’s political or social views. Don’t assume he’s passionate about the black lives matter movement or any other political cause just because of his skin color. He might have all kinds of views and opinions that go against what you might expect.
7. Don’t assume he’s been treated differently because of his race
It’s easy to assume that all people of color have suffered from racism on a daily basis their whole lives. This will probably make you feel sad and angry, and you want to get fired up and protect your man from the injustice in the world.
This is a mistake. Don’t make assumptions about the way he’s been treated because of his race or skin color. He may have been subject to racism, or he may not. Either way, he can defend himself, and it’s up to him to share his experiences with you.
Some people have a tendency to overcompensate and prove what a social justice warrior they are. In reality, this often ends up being annoying and plays even more into stereotypes. Again, just respect him for who he is, not the color of his skin.
8. He’s probably not an expert on race relations
Even if your man has had some negative experiences with racism, this doesn’t make him an expert on racial issues or politics.
Don’t expect him to have all the answers when it comes to solving racial problems in America or anywhere else. I’m sure he has some smart views and opinions, but expecting him to have all the answers is unfair.
9. The attitude of your friends and family will reflect on you
If you’ve got family or friends who have strong stereotypical views about him or treat him differently, it’s going to reflect negatively on you.
He might be able to handle your racist uncle on the surface, but it will affect him and impact the way he sees you – even if it’s just a little bit.
I can also guarantee that his black friends and family will be very unforgiving to anyone in your orbit who shows racist tendencies toward him. Can you blame them?
10. Don’t be afraid to talk about race and racial inequality
There’s no point in trying to ignore the issue of race or racial inequality in your relationship.
If you have an open and honest relationship, you should be able to talk about race issues in the same way that you’d discuss any challenging topic. Despite what some people seem to think, wanting to talk about race doesn’t make you a racist.
Ask him about his views on racial issues and let him know you want to learn more about his racial background. It will make a difference to him that you care and you’re trying to understand what it’s like to live in his shoes.
Discussing the idea of white privilege can also be an enlightening conversation. As a non-black person, learning about white privilege can change the way you see things and help you to get a glimpse of what it’s like to be black in the United States (or anywhere else).
It’s also okay if you have disagreements around racial issues. Like every argument a couple has, the key is to listen to each other and be respectful at all times. These are complex and challenging topics, and solving the racial divide is never going to be simple.
11. But don’t pretend to understand what it’s like to suffer racism
As much as you want to learn about his lived experience, don’t pretend to understand what it’s like to be discriminated against because of the color of your skin.
It’s not possible to fully empathize with his experiences, but you can try your best to understand where he’s coming from and why these issues are so important to him. Doing this will help you develop a much deeper trust in each other and bring you closer together.
12. Don’t assume arguments come from your racial differences
Don’t make the mistake of assuming any arguments you have stem from your different cultural backgrounds.
Everyone has different personalities and opinions, and I guarantee you’re arguing for the same reasons as your previous relationships with white guys.
13. Don’t assume that everything he does is about connecting with his culture
His love of a particular food, hobby, music, or sport isn’t necessarily about connecting to his culture.
For example, if he’s always talking about how much he loves rap music, remember that this might have nothing to do with his culture. He might just have a personal preference for rap music.
You should also avoid treating black culture as an accessory or something quirky for you to show off to your friends on social media. It will come across as condescending and embarrassing for everyone involved.
14. Don’t encourage him to embrace his culture or be ‘more black’
There is no checklist for how ‘black’ he should act or behave. Although some people will suggest otherwise, it’s okay for him to embrace the things about white culture that he likes while still embracing his own culture.
Not every movie he watches needs to have an actor of African descent. Not every character in a game he plays needs to be black. Rap music isn’t even close to being exclusively enjoyed by African-American men. It doesn’t mean he’s trying to emulate a white person if he enjoys things that aren’t specifically aimed at his race.
15. Don’t focus on his race or culture when you introduce him to friends and family
When you introduce him to your friends and family, please don’t make a big deal out of the fact that he comes from a different race to you.
He’s already well aware that some people treat him differently because of his race, so there’s no need to make an extra big deal out of it.
I’m sure they will have questions, but just focus on the fact that he’s a fantastic guy and you’re happy to have him in your life.
16. Try to be sensitive to the cultural norms in his family
Whenever you’re welcomed into a new household, it’s essential to respect the cultural norms that are important to them.
For example, some families might have particular beliefs about gender roles or how family members should interact with each other.
Also, remember that everyone suffers from stereotyping. His family might feel out of their comfort zone with the idea that he’s dating a white girl.
They might even be pushing him to date women of his own race and resent you because you’re not a black woman.
Give them time to get used to the idea and resist the urge to correct anyone if they say something inappropriate about your race. It’s best just to smile, nod, and move on.
17. Don’t fixate on your cultural differences
Try not to overthink or fixate on your cultural and racial differences.
You’re both individuals with your own likes and dislikes that have nothing to do with your skin color or the fact that you come from different racial groups.
Just focus on enjoying your relationship, deepening your connection, and supporting each other through good times and bad.
Final thoughts
Whether you’re used to interracial dating or this is the first time you’ve dated someone of a different race, you’ll no doubt find interesting and subtle differences between you and your partner.
There’s no need to make a big deal out of those differences or assume that they will be a problem because you’re white and he’s black.
Be sensitive, open-minded, and treat his culture as something special instead of a weird accessory that you can show off to your friends.
