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Narcissists are manipulative, controlling, and deceitful. They have an inflated sense of self-importance and an insatiable need for admiration. In the early stages of a relationship, they will be charming and loving and shower you with compliments and attention. But before long, their true colors will begin to show, and they’ll become critical, nasty, and demeaning.
Most relationships with a narcissist follow a similar cycle of love-bombing, devaluing, and finally discarding. You never know where you stand with a narcissist, and it can be difficult to tell when they are finally done using you. Here are 21 signs a narcissist is done with you and how to finally break the cycle of toxic abuse.
The narcissistic cycle of abuse
Before we look more closely at the signs a narcissist is done with you, it’s helpful to understand the narcissistic cycle of abuse.
1. They idealize you
When you first get to know someone with narcissistic tendencies, they will go out of their way to make you feel special. This is often referred to as “love-bombing,” and it’s the narcissist’s way of gaining control and manipulating you into the relationship. They will shower you with compliments, gifts, and attention and make grand promises about your future together.
A narcissist will completely ignore your boundaries to make you feel like you are in a whirlwind of love and admiration. They will move the relationship forward very quickly and may even start to try and isolate you from your friends and family. This is a warning sign that something isn’t quite right, and you should pause and think about what’s happening. Depending on the individual, this phase can last from a few weeks to several months.
2. They devalue you
As you get sucked deeper into the relationship, the narcissist will start to devalue you. Over time, they will slowly chip away at your self-esteem by making cruel and demeaning comments or rejecting your opinions. They will become increasingly critical and dismissive and may even begin to gaslight you, trying to make you doubt your judgment.
At this point, the narcissist will also become increasingly distant and unresponsive. Intimacy will start to wane, and they will withdraw from the relationship. You can expect them to start ignoring your texts and calls or simply disappear for long periods, leaving you feeling confused and hurt.
When you try to call them on their behavior, they will become defensive or even angry. Even worse, they will try to manipulate you into thinking it’s all your fault and that everything was better before you “ruined” the relationship. They will use guilt, shame, and blame to try and control you, with little regard for your feelings.
3. They discard you
Finally, the narcissist will discard you. This can be either a sudden breakup or a gradual distancing over time. When they’re finally done with you, the narcissist will often treat the breakup like it’s no big deal and act as if they were never really invested in the relationship. They are no longer getting the admiration and attention they crave, so they simply move on.
What causes a narcissist to discard you?
In most cases, something specific will trigger the narcissist to discard you. It could be anything from being confronted about their behavior to feeling like they no longer have control over the relationship. In some cases, it may be because they’ve found someone else who is giving them more admiration and attention.
If something difficult happens in your life, like a traumatic event or a serious illness, a narcissist will often use this as an excuse to leave. They have no desire to be there for you in your time of need, as they only view relationships as a way to satisfy their ego.
Related post: How to stop being a narcissist (17 essential tips)
Signs a narcissist is done with you
A narcissist’s true colors emerge very slowly, and it can be easy to ignore the signs that you’re being used. Here are some common signs a narcissist is ready to discard you.
1. They stop making any effort
A narcissist will stop making any effort in the relationship as soon as they stop getting the admiration and attention they crave. They will stop pretending to compromise and do whatever they want without any regard for your feelings. If you’re going through a tough time, they will be completely unwilling and uninterested in giving you any help or support.
2. They become highly critical
All the things they used to praise you for will suddenly become faults. They will be highly critical of your looks, decisions, or behavior and may even start to gaslight you into doubting yourself. They will devalue your opinions, belittle your achievements, and make cruel comments to undermine your self-esteem.
3. They become cold and distant
During the love-bombing phase, they were warm and affectionate, but now they are cold and distant. They avoid touching you, refuse to engage in intimate or personal conversations, and become emotionally unavailable.
4. They ignore your texts and calls
They will either completely ignore you or respond with short, dismissive answers whenever you text or call them. This is a deliberate attempt to make you feel small, insignificant, and rejected, and they enjoy the fact that you’re desperate to get their attention.
5. They withhold physical and emotional affection
Withdrawing physical and emotional affection is a way to end things on their terms and assert their dominance. They do this to manipulate you into begging for their attention or trying to win them back, which further feeds their ego.
6. They disappear for long periods
A common tactic is to disappear from your life for days or weeks at a time with no explanation or warning. Their goal is to make you worried and insecure while they seek out someone new to give them the attention they desire.
7. They try to convince you that no one else will want you
Even when a narcissist is done with you, they still want you to feel dependent on them to feel their ego. A common strategy is to use gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse to make you doubt your own worth and attractiveness and convince you that no one else will ever want you.
8. They blame everything on you
Making you responsible for everything wrong in their life is a way for narcissists to deflect responsibility and avoid accountability for their actions. As they prepare to dump you and move on, they will make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells and can never do anything right.
9. They accuse you of lying or cheating
A narcissist will often accuse you of lying or cheating without any evidence or reason to believe you’ve been unfaithful. In some cases, this may be a convenient excuse for them to end the relationship, but they may also be projecting their own infidelity onto you to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior.
10. They try to make you jealous
As they look for someone new to give them the admiration they crave, a narcissist will often try to make you jealous by flaunting their new relationship or bragging about their conquests. This is a way of punishing and devaluing you while feeling powerful and in control.
11. They accuse you of being jealous
Ironically, they might also accuse you of being jealous or possessive while trying to make you feel the same way. They do this to get a reaction out of you while simultaneously making themselves look like the victim.
12. They are constantly moody and irritated
An excellent way to tell when a narcissist is done with you is when their mood becomes more negative. They will be irritable, aggressive, and unapproachable – the exact opposite of the persona they put on during the love-bombing phase.
13. They play the victim card
Playing the victim is a classic narcissist tactic to make themselves look like the innocent party and exonerate themselves of any wrongdoing. They will use emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty and pity them while conveniently avoiding responsibility for their actions.
14. They fake drama
Narcissists enjoy stirring up drama and chaos as they attempt to get a reaction out of you. They also use this as an excuse to put on their martyr act, blaming you for the destruction in their life while conveniently ignoring all their own mistakes.
15. They replace you with someone else
A sure sign that a narcissist is done with you is when they start openly flaunting their new partner or pursuing other people. This is a way of showing you that they have moved on and don’t need your approval anymore while simultaneously trying to make you jealous.
16. They stop seeking your approval
Once a narcissist finds someone else who is willing to give them the attention they crave, they will stop fishing for compliments and seeking your approval. Instead, they will focus on impressing their new partner, leaving you feeling neglected and unappreciated.
17. They badmouth you in public
Narcissists will often badmouth their exes in public to make themselves look good and absolve them of responsibility. They may try to paint you as crazy, clingy, or even dangerous – all designed to make them look like the victim and blame you for the relationship’s demise.
18. They intentionally pick fights
As a narcissist breaks away from you, they may start to pick fights or cause drama to self-sabotage the relationship. This gives them an excuse to walk away while making you look like the bad guy and avoiding accountability for their behavior.
Related post: How often do couples fight? (+ 9 tips for healthy arguing)
19. They become demanding
Once a narcissist reveals their true colors, they will become demanding and controlling in a final attempt to make you feel bad or manipulate you into submission. And if you don’t comply, they have another excuse to end the relationship and blame you.
20. They stop talking about the future
Making grandiose promises and plans for the future is a hallmark of early narcissist relationships. But as soon as they have you hooked, those plans will start to fade away. Eventually, all talks about the future will completely stop – a sure sign that they are done with you.
How to recover from the narcissistic cycle of abuse
Narcissists aren’t looking for a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and understanding – they need someone to feed their ego and make them feel powerful.
A relationship with a narcissist can significantly affect your mental health and well-being. Once you escape the narcissistic cycle of abuse, it’s important to practice self-care and work on recovering and rebuilding your confidence and sense of identity. Here are some helpful steps.
1. Cut all contact
The first (and most obvious) step is immediately cutting off all contact. Block their numbers, unfollow them on social media, and don’t let them back into your life for any reason. Many narcissists will try to bad-mouth you to mutual friends or make up stories about what happened, but don’t engage with any of this – it will only give them more fuel.
2. Understand that it’s not your fault
Being manipulated by someone can make you feel foolish or embarrassed, but it’s important to remember that narcissists are skilled manipulators. It’s not your fault for falling into their trap – in fact, you should be proud of yourself for recognizing the signs and taking steps to restore your self-esteem.
3. Forgive yourself
Forgiving yourself after being manipulated by a narcissist can take a long time, but it’s an essential step in the healing process. Acknowledge that you went through a difficult experience, make the conscious decision to move past your mistakes, and focus on what you learned from this situation.
4. Surround yourself with supportive people
Narcissists often attempt to isolate you from your friends and family, so you may have lost some important relationships along the way. Reconnect with your loved ones and open up to them about what happened. Having a strong support system will help you heal and move forward.
5. Work on your self-esteem
Narcissists prey on people with low self-esteem and can greatly damage your confidence. Take the time to rediscover your identity and rebuild your sense of worth. Practice positive affirmations, create goals for yourself, and do activities that make you happy.
6. Practice mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness can be a great way to help deal with guilt, shame, or anger. It allows you to focus on the present moment, quiet your mind, and look at your situation more rationally.
7. Get fit and healthy
Being physically active can help you regain some of your power and control. Take the time to exercise, eat healthily, and care for yourself. Not only will it make you feel better, but it will also give you an outlet for releasing any negative energy or emotions.
8. Try journaling your thoughts
Not everyone will benefit from journaling, but it can be a great way to make sense of your emotions and gain clarity on the situation. Let yourself express your thoughts without judgment or criticism – it can help bring peace and understanding.
9. Consider therapy
Rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem after a traumatic experience isn’t easy. If you need additional support and guidance, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can provide a fresh perspective and help you work through your feelings with empathy and understanding.
Recognizing that you need help isn’t a sign of weakness; it shows that you are strong enough to seek the support you need and move forward in a positive direction.
Final thoughts
Suffering through the narcissistic cycle of abuse is a painful experience, and I hope this article has given you some insight. When a narcissist is done with you, it’s a good thing because you can finally start the process of healing and reclaiming your power. Take the time to heal, and don’t be afraid to reach out for support if you are struggling.
