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Being in a relationship can be a wonderful experience, but it’s important to ensure you maintain your sense of self-identity and independence. When you start looking to your partner to make you feel complete or take on their interests and opinions as your own, it’s a sign that you’re losing yourself in the relationship.
Left unchecked, this can destroy your self-esteem and lead to resentment and unhappiness. Here are some common signs that you’re losing yourself in a relationship and how to take back control of your life.
1. You’ve adopted all your partner’s opinions
Sharing the same values and opinions as your partner is great as long as you feel free to disagree and express your own beliefs and ideas. Disagreeing with your partner shows that you are an independent thinker and, if done respectfully, can strengthen the bond between you by allowing you to learn from each other.
If you find yourself parroting your partner’s opinions without figuring out your own thoughts, it’s a sign that you’re not thinking for yourself. Be especially wary if you start to agree with your partner when you believe something very different underneath.
2. You put your partner on a pedestal
No matter how much you love your partner, it’s important to remember that they are a flawed human being with strengths and weaknesses. When you start thinking of them as perfect, infallible, and never wrong, you’re putting them on a pedestal and no longer seeing them as an equal. This will quickly lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment when those expectations are not met.
Even worse, it can lead you to make excuses for your partner’s bad behavior and give them carte blanche to mistreat you. Acknowledging your partner’s flaws allows you to stay connected and realistic about the relationship. It also helps maintain respect for each other’s unique perspectives, which is essential for a healthy relationship.
3. You live in fear that your partner will leave you
In a healthy relationship, there is an underlying trust and understanding that both partners are equally committed. If either of you feels unhappy, you’ll discuss it openly and honestly and work together to find a solution before drastically ending the relationship.
If you live in constant fear that your partner will abandon you for no reason, it shows that you’ve lost all confidence in your self-worth. Over time, this lack of self-worth can lead to unhealthy behaviors such as being overly clingy, changing yourself to suit your partner’s needs, and making excuses for their bad behavior.
Instead of assuming the worst, reflect on what makes you valuable and how your partner benefits from the relationship. Working on your self-esteem will help strengthen your faith in yourself and make you feel more secure in the relationship.
4. You’re constantly seeking reassurance
Relationships are tough, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting reassurance that your partner loves you – especially when you’re feeling insecure or uncertain. However, if you’re constantly seeking love and approval from your partner to feel validated as a person, it’s a sign that you’re suffering from low self-esteem.
Relying on your partner for your sense of self-worth will quickly lead to feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and fear. It will destroy all the joy in your relationship and make it hard to be open and honest. Instead of bringing you closer together as a couple, it will make you seem needy and clingy and push your partner even further away.
Instead of seeking validation from external sources, focus on developing a strong sense of self-worth within yourself. Practice positive self-talk, set personal goals, and find activities that make you feel fulfilled. With time, you’ll have the confidence to trust in your own self-worth and won’t need to rely on someone else for validation.
5. You never put your own needs first
When you love someone deeply, it’s natural to want to make them happy. However, if you find yourself constantly making sacrifices and ignoring your needs to please your partner, it’s a sign that you’re losing yourself in the relationship.
Relationships are about compromise, and suppressing your desires, goals, and needs will eventually lead to resentment and unhappiness. Before long, you’ll feel like a doormat rather than an equal partner. Caring for someone doesn’t mean sacrificing all of your wants and dreams – it’s about supporting each other’s goals while also making time for yourself.
6. You never push back or say no
If you feel nervous about saying “no” to your partner or pushing back when you disagree, it’s a sign that you’ve lost touch with your own needs and desires. Refusing to stand up for yourself will encourage them to ignore your feelings and take you for granted.
It’s important to be mindful of your partner’s needs, but that doesn’t mean you should agree with everything they say out of fear of upsetting them. Learning to assert yourself is key to maintaining a healthy degree of independence. It will help you keep your identity intact and allow you to grow together as a couple.
7. You’re emotionally disconnected from your feelings
Feeling emotionally disconnected is one of the most worrying signs that you’re losing yourself in a relationship. Some signs to look out for are deliberately ignoring your feelings, not being honest about problems in the relationship, and telling yourself that everything is “fine.”
If you continue to ignore how you feel, it will become harder and harder for you to be honest with yourself and your partner. Before long, communication will start to break down, eroding trust and pushing you apart. Even worse, you’ll be much more likely to ignore the warning signs of abuse or neglect.
8. You’ve lost touch with your friends
Spending more time with your partner when you’re in a relationship is natural. However, if you stop seeing your friends and family, it could signify that you’re getting too emotionally attached and losing yourself.
Your relationships with friends and family are just as meaningful as your relationship with your partner. The people who know you and care about you most can provide invaluable support and advice throughout the highs and lows of relationships – especially when times get tough.
9. You’ve given up spending time on your hobbies
Dropping all of your hobbies to spend more time with your partner could mean losing touch with what makes you unique.
Even if you share hobbies in common with your partner, it’s beneficial to have interests that are purely your own. Pursuing a passion project or hobby that is all about you can help boost your self-confidence and give you something to look forward to outside your relationship.
Making time for yourself doesn’t mean that you’re neglecting your partner either – it just means that you value your individuality and are committed to growing as an individual. So don’t be afraid to keep pursuing the things that make you happy – even if it means spending more time alone.
10. You’ve given up your own goals and dreams
Having goals and dreams of your own is essential to keeping your identity intact in a relationship. You should never feel like you have to sacrifice your aspirations to make a relationship work.
Of course, we all live busy lives, and time is a precious commodity. But if you find that your hopes and dreams take a backseat to your partner’s, then it’s time to have an honest conversation about how both of you can achieve what you want.
11. You feel anxious when you’re alone
Feeling anxious when your partner isn’t around is a red flag that you’ve become overly dependent on them for emotional support, which is unhealthy for both of you.
The best way to overcome this feeling of anxiousness is to challenge it. Start by spending more time alone and doing things without your partner that make you happy. Go for a walk by yourself, take a class, or start a new hobby – anything that helps you get out of your comfort zone and become more comfortable with your own company.
12. You constantly think about your partner
It’s natural to think about your partner often, especially in a new relationship. However, if it starts to consume your thoughts and you find yourself constantly worrying or obsessing over them, it could be a sign that you’ve lost yourself.
There are many techniques to help you stop obsessively thinking about someone, and the key is to find balance. Spend time away from your partner to practice self-care and pursue activities you enjoy that disrupt your obsessive thought patterns. Practicing mindfulness is also a great way to help refocus your attention and bring back some perspective.
Related post: 15 practical ways to stop thinking about something
13. You avoid conflict
Conflict avoidance is a sign that you’re sacrificing your own needs to keep the peace in the relationship. While it might seem easier to avoid confrontation, walking on eggshells damages both of you in the long run.
Learning how to handle disagreements with kindness and respect is essential so you can express yourself freely in the relationship. It might seem daunting at first, but it’s a sign of strength to express your opinion without fear of judgment or repercussions.
14. You seek control in other areas of your life
If you don’t feel like you have control in your relationship, you might start seeking control in other areas of your life to compensate. For example, maybe you become overly strict with yourself regarding diet and exercise or micromanage and boss people around at work.
It can be hard to admit that you’re feeling out of control in your relationship, but it’s important to recognize these behavioral patterns. Communicating your needs and desires is the only way to regain your identity and personal power. Remember, relationships are about two people coming together to support each other’s growth and ambitions – not one person sacrificing their own needs for the other.
15. You try to change yourself to please your partner
Changing yourself to make your partner happy is a surefire sign that you’ve started to believe you no longer matter. It might start with small things, like changing your dress, speaking differently, or pretending to like something you don’t. But left unchecked, it can lead you to abandon your core values and lose your sense of identity.
No matter how much you love someone, you should never have to give up a part of yourself. Your partner should accept and support you for who you are, not try to change you into someone else.
16. Your emotions are up and down
Fluctuating emotions might signify that your happiness has become too dependent on your relationship. If you only feel happy when your partner is around, and you feel sad or lonely when they’re not, it’s time to step back and get in touch with your own emotional needs.
It’s natural to feel a powerful emotional connection to the person you love, but you should also be able to find joy when your partner isn’t around. Take time to connect with yourself, practice self-care, and pursue your own interests. Doing so will help you find balance and contentment in your life.
17. Your self-esteem is at rock bottom
There are many causes of low self-esteem, but consider whether your partner’s words and actions might contribute to the problem. If your self-worth solely depends on your partner’s approval, it’s a sure sign that you’ve lost yourself and your sense of identity in the relationship.
Building up your self-esteem won’t happen overnight, but you can start the process by setting clear boundaries and speaking up when your partner does something that makes you feel belittled or unimportant.
18. You never make important decisions for yourself
It’s easy to fall into the trap of always letting your partner make important decisions for you – especially if they have a more dominant personality. However, making decisions for yourself is critical because it allows you to take control of your life, shape your future, and create the life you want. Additionally, making decisions for yourself can help you to become more independent and self-reliant, which are essential qualities to have in life.
Of course, you don’t have to ignore your partner’s opinions; they can be a valuable source of guidance and advice. But at the end of the day, you should respect each other’s autonomy and trust that you’ll make the best decisions for yourselves.
19. It feels like your life is out of your control
Giving your whole life to your relationship can make you feel like your life is on rails and you’re just a passenger along for the ride. This loss of control will damage your physical and mental well-being, leaving you powerless and stuck.
20. You give way more than you receive
Give and take in a healthy relationship feels like an equal exchange, not one-way traffic. Are you always the one who makes an effort, reaches out, or gives in? If you’re constantly making sacrifices while your partner gets away with doing the bare minimum, it’s a sure sign that you’ve lost the ability to take care of yourself.
Be honest about how much you’re giving, and ask yourself whether you’re really getting your needs met in the relationship. It’s great to be loving and generous, but your partner should be willing to meet you halfway.
21. Your relationship has no boundaries
Healthy relationships have boundaries that both partners respect and honor. For example, common boundaries include your expectations around personal privacy, communication, and decision-making.
If you lack boundaries, you’ve likely lost sight of what’s important to you. Setting clear boundaries with your partner will help foster respect and trust in your relationship and prevent resentment from building up over time. Establishing healthy boundaries is also essential for maintaining your sense of self-respect and well-being.
How to take back control and find yourself again
How can you regain control and find yourself again if you’re worried about losing yourself in a relationship? Here are some tips to help you get started:
1. Set expectations early in the relationship
Many negative relationship patterns get established early on, so it’s essential to set boundaries and expectations immediately. Doing this will help prevent destructive patterns from forming and give you the best chance of maintaining a healthy relationship.
2. Do things without your partner
It’s easy to feel like you and your partner are two halves of one whole, but it’s important to remember that you’re both individuals with different needs. Doing things independently – such as meeting up with friends or pursuing a hobby – will give you the breathing room to stay in touch with yourself and maintain your sense of identity.
3. Make decisions for yourself
Giving up decision-making power can be a slippery slope. It’s important to find balance by learning to make decisions for yourself and allowing your partner the same freedom.
4. Set clear boundaries
Having healthy boundaries in place is essential for maintaining a sense of balance and self-respect in your relationship. It’s ok to ask for what you need, to say “no” when necessary, and to exert control over your life and destiny.
5. Demand compromise
Compromise is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. If you always give in to your partner’s demands, it’s time to start advocating for what you need. Aim for a healthy balance of give and take where both partners feel heard and respected.
6. Stay true to your values
It’s easy to inadvertently absorb your partner’s values when you become too close. To prevent this from happening, remember to stay true to your own beliefs and values no matter what. Doing so will help keep your sense of self intact and give you the courage to make the best decisions for you.
7. Face relationship issues head-on
No relationship is perfect, so it’s important to be open and honest about any issues that arise. Address them directly instead of trying to ignore or sweep them under the rug.
8. Communicate
It goes without saying that communication is one of the cornerstones of any successful relationship. Make sure you’re sharing your thoughts, feelings, and opinions openly and honestly with your partner—this will help you stay connected to yourself and avoid losing sight of your needs.
9. Pay attention to red flags
It’s essential to pay close attention to any warning signs that may arise in your relationship. Please take note of any behaviors from your partner that make you feel uncomfortable or disrespected and address them immediately.
10. Work on your self-esteem
Fostering a strong sense of self-esteem is one of the best ways to protect your identity in a relationship. Developing healthy coping strategies, engaging in positive self-talk, and surrounding yourself with supportive people can all help you to build your confidence and stay true to yourself.
11. Seek professional help
If you’re struggling to balance your relationship with your sense of self, don’t be afraid to seek help. Talking to a therapist or counselor can provide invaluable insight and support as you strive to regain control over your life and find yourself again.
Final thoughts
When you love someone, it’s easy to give too much of yourself to your relationship and lose yourself along the way. But by building your self-esteem, setting clear boundaries, and fostering honest communication, you can protect your identity and ensure your relationship is healthy.
The most important thing to remember is that you are responsible for your own happiness. So don’t be afraid to make choices and decisions that honor your needs, stand up for yourself and speak your truth. You deserve to be in a relationship where both people can thrive without losing themselves in the process.
