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Self-awareness is a critical part of emotional intelligence. Without self-awareness, it’s hard to understand your own motivations and behaviors, and it’s even harder to see things from someone else’s point of view and treat them with empathy and kindness.
A lack of self-awareness will affect your success at work and make it hard to make friends and maintain intimate relationships. Here are 13 signs that you (or someone you know) lack self-awareness, along with some tips on how to improve.
What is a lack of self-awareness?
Self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of your character, feelings, motives, and desires. It’s the ability to step outside of yourself and see yourself objectively.
People who lack self-awareness can’t see how their words and actions affect others. They have difficulty empathizing and putting themselves in other people’s shoes and unknowingly come across as self-centered, insensitive, or even narcissistic.
Poor decision-making is also a common characteristic of people who lack self-awareness because they can’t consider their own biases and motivations when making choices. As a result, they often have trouble taking responsibility for their mistakes and blame others for their problems.
A lack of self-awareness can be very detrimental to success at work. People who lack self-awareness are more likely to make errors, fail to meet deadlines, and have difficulty managing emotions. They may also struggle working in teams and building relationships with their colleagues.
In relationships, a lack of self-awareness can be a significant obstacle. People who lack self-awareness may have difficulty understanding their partner’s needs and feelings. They overreact or suppress their emotions and come across as controlling or manipulative.
There are two main types of self-awareness:
- Internal self-awareness is the ability to see yourself objectively and understand your motivations, emotions, and behaviors.
- External self-awareness is the ability to see how your words and actions affect others. This is how people learn to act in a way that considers the needs and feelings of others.
Some people are strong in one type of self-awareness but weak in another. However, people who are strong in both types of self-awareness are more likely to be successful in their personal and professional lives.
Is a lack of self-awareness a personality disorder?
In general, a lack of self-awareness is not considered a personality disorder. However, some serious personality disorders are characterized by a lack of self-awareness.
Narcissistic personality disorder leads to an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. People with narcissistic personality disorder lack self-awareness and cannot see how their words and actions affect others.
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by fear of abandonment, impulsivity, and unstable relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may have difficulty understanding their emotions and how they affect others.
Schizophrenia, ADHD, autism, and substance abuse issues can also lead to a lack of self-awareness.
At the other end of the spectrum, some people are overly self-aware and suffer from self-consciousness. This heightened state of self-awareness often results in social anxiety and a fear of being judged by others.
Why is self-awareness important?
Self-awareness is critical in all aspects of life. At work, self-awareness allows you to manage your emotions and stay calm under pressure. These skills are essential for creatively solving problems, building relationships with colleagues, and managing difficult conversations.
In personal relationships, self-awareness helps you to understand your own needs and emotions, as well as those of your partner. This understanding is essential for communication, conflict resolution, and intimate connection.
Self-awareness is also key to personal growth and development. By understanding your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, you can learn from your mistakes, raise your self-esteem, and make positive changes in your life. It helps you to learn self-control, make good decisions, and set healthy boundaries.
Signs you lack self-awareness
Now that you understand what self-awareness is and why it’s important, let’s look at some signs that you may lack self-awareness.
1. Your emotions don’t match the situation
One of the most evident signs you lack self-awareness is when your emotional reactions are out of proportion to the situation.
For example, you might get outraged and defensive when a colleague gives you constructive feedback, even though they are just trying to help you improve. Or, you act extremely hurt and rejected when your partner cancels plans, even though they have a good reason.
In both these cases, your emotional reaction is much stronger than the situation warrants. This disproportionate reaction indicates that you have difficulty managing your emotions and can’t see how unstable you appear to other people.
2. You can’t take criticism
The ability to receive criticism with grace is essential in all areas of life. At work, you need to be able to listen to feedback from your boss and colleagues so that you can improve your performance. In personal relationships, you need to be able to hear when your partner is upset with you so that you can resolve the issue.
Getting irrationally annoyed or upset when someone criticizes you shows that you struggle to see things from someone else’s perspective. You see criticism as a personal attack rather than a genuine offer to help and a chance to learn and grow from your mistakes.
3. You often make poor decisions
A lack of self-awareness often leads to bad decision-making. Instead of thinking about how your actions will affect yourself and others, you act impulsively and emotionally without considering the consequences.
For example, you might suddenly quit your job because your boss made you angry without considering how it will affect your career or your family’s financial situation. Or perhaps you cheat on your partner without thinking how much it will hurt them or damage your relationship.
4. You repeat the same mistakes
Everyone makes mistakes, but a lack of self-awareness means you’re likely to keep making the same mistakes repeatedly. This is because you can’t see the link between your actions and the negative consequences that follow, so you keep repeating the same unhealthy patterns.
In your mind, there’s nothing wrong with your decisions, and it must be someone else’s fault when things go wrong. But your behavior seems selfish and self-centered to everyone around you, and they can’t understand why you act so irrationally.
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5. You start unnecessary drama
Without even realizing it, you constantly stir up drama and conflict in your personal relationships and at work.
Perhaps you spread gossip and rumors without considering how they will affect the people involved. Or maybe you blow things out of proportion and get irrationally upset when things don’t go according to plan.
Everyone can see how toxic your behavior is, but you’re oblivious to it. You think you’re being honest or funny, but you’re actually creating an unpleasant environment for everyone around you and sucking up valuable time and energy.
6. You lack empathy
Your lack of self-awareness means you struggle to read other people and understand when they are going through a tough time. This makes it impossible to respond in a helpful or supportive way and comes across as a lack of empathy.
For example, if your colleague is upset about a personal issue, you might make an insensitive joke instead of offering them kind words of support. Or perhaps you dismiss your partner’s feelings and tell them they’re overreacting when they’re clearly upset about something important.
A lack of empathy will quickly alienate you from everyone around you and damage your relationships. No one will trust or confide in someone incapable of empathizing with their feelings.
7. You can’t laugh at yourself
The ability to laugh at yourself is an important part of self-awareness. It shows that you’re comfortable in your own skin and confident enough to poke fun at yourself.
But if you can’t see the humor in your own mistakes or flaws, it’s a sign that you lack self-awareness. You take yourself too seriously and can’t handle criticism, even when it’s light-hearted and well-meaning.
People will eventually get tired of walking on eggshells around you. They’ll start to distance themselves and avoid spending time with you rather than risk offending your delicate sensibilities.
8. You can’t understand other people’s points of view
If you’re not self-aware, it’s impossible to understand how other people see the world. You believe you’re always right and that your way of looking at things is the only correct view.
Instead of trying to understand other people, you only care about getting your point of view across. This closed-mindedness quickly alienates you and makes it impossible to have a meaningful dialogue or resolution.
9. You avoid making difficult decisions
A lack of self-awareness can lead to impulsive decision-making, but it can also cause you to avoid making tough choices altogether.
Instead of seeking advice or using logic and reason to help guide your decision-making process, you go round and round in circles, endlessly debating the pros and cons in your head without ever reaching a conclusion.
This indecisiveness is frustrating for everyone around you, who can see that you avoid taking responsibility for making the tough call. It makes you look weak and indecisive, and people will soon stop asking for your opinion altogether.
10. You blame others for your problems
When things eventually go wrong, you’re quick to point the finger and blame someone else. It never occurs to you to think about how you might have contributed to the situation and take responsibility for your actions.
11. You need constant validation
Because you’re not in tune with your own emotions and needs, you constantly look to other people to validate your choices and reassure you that you’re doing a good job.
You fish for compliments, and even the tiniest bit of success gives you an inflated sense of self-importance. And when you don’t receive the positive reinforcement you crave, you become sulky and withdrawn.
This dependence on other people’s opinions makes you appear insecure and needy. It also puts a lot of pressure on the people around you, who feel they have to praise and appease you just for showing up and doing your job.
12. You’re narrow-minded
A lack of self-awareness can make you rigid in your thinking. You’re set in your ways and resistant to change, even when it’s clear that something isn’t working or needs to be updated.
You see the world in black and white, with no shades of gray. Things are either good or bad, right or wrong, with no room for nuance or alternative perspectives.
This inflexibility makes it challenging to work with you and causes a lot of friction in your relationships. People eventually get tired of butting heads with you and move on.
13. You often fail
Part of having self-awareness is understanding your strengths and weaknesses. If you’re unaware of your limitations, you will likely set yourself up for failure by biting off more than you can chew.
You take on too much, spread yourself too thin, and then wonder why you can’t seem to get anything done. You set yourself up for disappointment by setting the bar too high and exhausting yourself in the process.
How to improve your self-awareness
A lack of self-awareness is generally caused by a combination of nature and nurture. If you grew up in an environment where you weren’t encouraged to express emotions or explore who you are, it’s difficult to develop a strong sense of self and identity.
But even if you didn’t have the best role models growing up, there are still things you can do to improve your self-awareness as an adult. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is the practice of present-moment awareness. It’s about learning to focus your attention on the current moment and being aware of your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings without judgment.
You can start incorporating mindfulness into your life by taking a few minutes each day to sit quietly and focus on your breath. Pay attention to the sensations in your body and the thoughts that pass through your mind without getting caught up in them.
With regular practice, you’ll develop a greater ability to observe your own thoughts and emotions without getting swept up in them. This will lead to improved self-awareness as well as decreased stress and anxiety.
2. Think before you speak or act
Before you say or do something, take a moment to think about how your words or actions will affect yourself and the people around you. This habit will help you be more mindful in general and make better choices in your personal and professional life.
It can also prevent you from acting on impulse and making decisions you’ll regret later. If you need time to process a situation before responding, don’t hesitate to take a step back and tell the other person that you need a few minutes to think about it.
3. Keep a journal
Writing down your thoughts and feelings is a great way to gain insights into your own mind. It can help you spot patterns in your behavior, work through difficult emotions, and better understand who you are and what you want in life.
If you’re unsure where to start, try journaling for 10-15 minutes daily about your day-to-day experiences. You can also use prompts to help you explore different aspects of your life, such as your values, goals, and fears.
4. Get feedback from others
It can be difficult to get an accurate picture of ourselves without the help of other people. That’s why seeking feedback from the people who know you best is essential.
Try asking a trusted friend or family member for their honest opinion about your strengths and weaknesses. You can also ask for feedback at work by setting up regular check-ins with your boss or asking for input from your team members.
Just be sure to keep an open mind, and don’t get defensive if someone points out something you’re not happy to hear. Remember, the goal is to improve your self-awareness, not to please everyone around you.
5. Practice empathy
Empathy is an innate ability that most people have, but there’s no reason you can’t get better at it. The more you practice empathy, the more attuned you’ll be to the emotions and experiences of others.
One way to do this is by actively listening when someone else is talking. Pay attention to their body language and tone of voice, as well as the words they’re saying. Try to understand where they’re coming from and what they might feel.
You can also put yourself in other people’s shoes by imagining how you would feel in their situation. This exercise will help you to develop a more compassionate perspective and improve your ability to relate to others.
6. Challenge your assumptions
We all have certain assumptions about ourselves and the world around us. But these assumptions can often be inaccurate and lead to negative thinking patterns.
For example, if you assume you’re not good enough for a specific job or someone doesn’t like you, you’ll likely feel anxious and stressed. These beliefs will affect your behavior and prevent you from taking risks or putting yourself out there.
7. Be aware of your body language
Your body language helps shape the way others see you, so it’s essential to be aware of the message you’re sending.
For example, closed body language signals such as crossed arms or a furrowed brow can make you seem unapproachable, even if that’s not how you’re feeling. On the other hand, if you adopt open body language, make eye contact, and smile, you’ll appear relaxed and friendly, and people will be more likely to warm up to you.
8. Consider therapy
Therapy can be a great option if you’re struggling to improve your self-awareness. A therapist can help you to understand your thoughts and feelings, work through difficult experiences, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
But don’t feel you need to wait for a life-changing event to seek therapy. Sometimes just talking about your day-to-day experiences can be incredibly helpful. If you’re not sure where to start, ask your doctor for a referral or look for a therapist in your area.
