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Some relationships end for a good reason. You fall out of love, drift apart, or want very different things from life. It’s sad, but you know it’s for the best.
Unfortunately, many relationships also fall apart when they don’t need to. You both love each other, but something got lost along the way. Maybe you’re taking each other for granted, not communicating, or resentment or lack of trust has built up over time.
The good news is that if you still love your partner, you have a chance to start over and rebuild your relationship. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth it if you’re both committed to making things work.
Here are 23 honest tips on how to start over in a relationship:
1. Understand what went wrong
The first step toward starting over is understanding what went wrong in your relationship the first time. If you can identify the issues, you can make a plan and start to address them.
Often, it’s not one big thing that causes a relationship to fail, but a combination of many small things. Perhaps you stopped doing whatever made your partner feel loved, or you started taking them for granted. Or maybe communication broke down, and you stopped talking about your needs and wants.
Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about what went wrong. This might bring up many painful memories, but getting everything out in the open is essential.
Listen to each other carefully and try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Don’t interrupt or defend yourself – just listen and try to understand where they’re coming from. Avoid playing the blame or acting like a victim. No matter who’s at fault, you both need to take responsibility for your part in the break-up and be willing to change.
The beauty of starting over is that you’ve already had a dress rehearsal for your relationship. You already know what doesn’t work, so there’s no harm in trying something completely new. You get to skip all the awkward first-date stuff and go straight to the deeper and more meaningful work of establishing a solid foundation for a lasting and successful relationship.
2. Remember what you love about them
Remember when you first met your partner and fell in love? Everything they said and did was amazing, and even their quirks and imperfections were adorable.
But over time, it’s easy to start focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship, and all their adorable quirks become annoying habits. You become less willing to compromise and start taking each other for granted.
When you’re starting over in a relationship, it helps to remind yourself of all the things you loved about your partner in the early days. Try to see them with fresh eyes, as if you’re getting to know them for the first time. What made them different from anyone else you’d dated? Why did you fall in love with them?
If you’re struggling to remember what you love about them, try making a list of all their good qualities. Write down everything that comes to mind, no matter how small or trivial it may seem.
3. Commit to change
If you want things to be different this time, you must be prepared to do things differently. That means breaking old habits, trying new things, and making some changes in yourself.
It’s easy to talk about change, but unless you have a concrete plan and are both committed to following through, it will not happen. Even though it might sound very unromantic, defining a set of clear guidelines and rules can help to make your relationship stronger. It gives you both a sense of structure and stability, which can be very reassuring.
Think about the areas where things went wrong in your previous relationship and make a plan to change them. For example, if communication was an issue, you might decide to have a weekly check-in session where you each talk about how you’re feeling. If trust was an issue, you might set ground rules around honesty and transparency. Or, if you have difficulty controlling your temper, you might commit to walking away from arguments and taking some time to calm down before discussing things.
So how do you decide what to change about yourself? After all, there are some things that you should never change for your partner. The best way to think about this is to determine whether the change benefits both partners. For example, if your partner asks you to stop seeing your best friend because they don’t like them, that’s not a change you should make. However, if your partner asks you to start communicating more, that’s something that will benefit both of you.
4. Let go of the past
Your partner has probably said or done hurtful things in the past, and it’s tempting to use these as ammunition when you feel angry or upset. But if you want your relationship to have a chance, you must let go of the past and focus on the present.
Once you’ve had an honest conversation about everything that went wrong in your previous relationship, it’s time to start fresh. Agree to set aside any old resentments, give each other a clean slate, and not bring up the past again. Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to forget what’s happened, but it does mean forgiving your partner and moving on.
If you’re struggling to let go of the past, try this exercise: Write down everything that’s bothering you on a piece of paper. Then rip it up and throw it away. Doing this will help you physically release your anger and resentment. It sounds weird, but it can make a big difference.
5. Plan for the future
Making plans for the future together shows that you’re both committed to the relationship and are in it for the long haul. It also helps reassure you both that you’re on the same page and want the same things from life.
Of course, you can’t plan for everything, but it’s essential to have a general idea about where you want your life and relationship to go.
Start by talking about your shared long-term goals and what you want to achieve in life. Do you want to have kids? Buy a house? Travel the world? Once you know what you both want, start making plans to make it happen. This could mean making a financial plan to save for a deposit on a house or coming up with a list of places you want to visit together.
In addition to your shared goals, discussing your own individual goals is important, especially if they might impact your relationship. For example, if you want to change careers or move to a different city, it’s essential to talk about this with your partner because it affects them as much as you.
6. Don’t skip ahead
Because you already have a history together, it can be tempting to skip ahead and assume that you know everything about each other. But if you want your relationship to be strong, you need to take things slow and rebuild a solid foundation.
You don’t have to start from scratch – after all, you already know and love each other. But it does mean taking the time to get reacquainted and learn new things about each other. In particular, it’s important to cast aside all your assumptions about your partner and take the time to really listen to them. You might be surprised by what you learn.
As I’ve discussed, the opportunity to start fresh while benefiting from experience is unique and wonderful. Just remember to go slowly, be honest with each other, and focus on building a solid foundation for the future.
7. Set clear boundaries
Setting clear personal boundaries gives you a chance to redefine what you will and won’t tolerate in your relationship. It’s a chance to start afresh with a clean slate and set the standard for how you want to be treated going forward.
Sit down with your partner and discuss what you both need and expect from the relationship. What are your deal-breakers? What are your needs and expectations? Having this conversation will help to ensure that you’re both on the same page from the start and make it easier to avoid any misunderstandings further down the line.
Of course, it’s important to be realistic, and you can’t expect your partner to be perfect. But you can let them know your expectations and what kind of behavior is and isn’t acceptable.
8. Deal with issues immediately
No matter how much work you put into your relationship, there will always be bumps in the road. The key is to deal with problems as soon as they arise, rather than sweeping them under the rug and hoping they’ll go away.
Whenever something comes up that you’re not happy about, talk to your partner about it immediately. The important thing is to communicate openly and honestly with each other so that you can resolve the issue before it has a chance to cause more damage.
Remember, communication is vital in any relationship. Avoid blame, focus on finding a solution, and be willing to compromise.
9. Focus on your behavior
When problems arise in your relationship, it’s tempting (and natural) to focus on your partner’s behavior. But if you want to start over, it’s equally important to be honest with yourself and look at your behavior. After all, it takes two to tango.
Take a step back and ask yourself what you could have done differently in the situation. What could you have said or done to prevent the problem from happening? How can you behave in a way that will foster a healthier, happier relationship?
It’s also important to avoid playing the blame game. Accepting responsibility for your actions is crucial in rebuilding trust and repairing your relationship.
10. Rekindle your curiosity
When you first started dating, you were probably full of curiosity about your partner. You wanted to know everything about them – their likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams.
But as time passes, it’s easy to fall into a rut and stop being curious. Your conversations become more about the mundane details of day-to-day life like paying the bills, grocery shopping, and taking the dog for a walk.
If you want to start over, you need to rekindle that sense of curiosity. Ask your partner questions about their life, hopes, dreams, and ambitions. Show them that you’re still interested in getting to know them deeply and that you care about what’s truly important to them. You might be surprised at what you learn and how much closer you feel to each other.
11. Change your environment
Changing your environment can help to give you both a new perspective and help to create some distance from any negativity associated with the past. It can also be a fun way to bond as you work together to create a new space that you can enjoy.
If you live together, consider moving to a new house or apartment. If that’s not possible, redecorate your shared space or rearrange the furniture. Anything that helps to create a fresh start can be beneficial.
Of course, a change of environment isn’t always possible or practical. If that’s the case, consider other ways to change your routine. Try out a new restaurant for date night, visit a new city for a weekend getaway, or try a fun new date activity together. No matter what you do, the important thing is to focus on the future and create positive new memories together.
12. Speak with love & kindness
Physical affection is important in a relationship, but words are also powerful. Always speak to your partner with love and kindness when you’re trying to start over.
Use affirmative statements like “Thank you” or “I love you” to build up your partner’s self-esteem and avoid negative phrases such as “you always” or “you never,” which will make them feel defensive and contribute to an overall feeling of negativity.
Throughout the day, take a few moments to send your partner a loving text message, compliment them, or tell them how much you appreciate them. These small gestures can go a long way towards making your partner feel appreciated and valued.
And when you’re communicating about difficult topics, avoid using hurtful or inflammatory language. Using “I” statements is a great way to keep the focus on your own feelings without making your partner feel like they’re being attacked. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel like I’m not being heard.”
Related post: How to use words of affirmation to improve your relationship
13. Practice active listening
Active listening is a communication technique that involves fully focusing on what your partner is saying, both verbally and non-verbally, and then responding in a way that shows you understand.
When your partner is speaking, make an effort to maintain eye contact, resist the urge to interrupt, and ask clarifying questions if needed. Then, repeat what you’ve heard using different words to ensure your partner feels heard and understood.
Active listening sounds easy, but it’s pretty tricky, especially amid a heated argument. But with practice, it can help to defuse conflict and create a more positive and productive dialogue.
And even if you’re not in the middle of a disagreement, active listening is still a valuable skill to practice. It shows your partner that you care about what they’re saying and are interested in their thoughts and opinions.
14. Argue the right way
How can there be a “right” way to argue? All couples argue from time to time, but how you handle those arguments can make or break your relationship.
Couples that argue the right way avoid the trap of going round and round in circles, repeating the same things, and getting nowhere. Instead, they focus on the issue at hand and work together to find a resolution. The critical difference is that it’s not about “winning” the argument; it’s about finding a solution that works for both of you.
Of course, this is easier said than done. It can be hard to keep cool and think logically when you’re in the heat of the moment. But if you can learn to do this, it will make a big difference in the overall health of your relationship.
Here are a few tips for arguing the right way:
- Avoid attacking your partner or using hurtful language. This will only worsen the situation and make it harder to resolve the issue.
- Try to understand and empathize with your partner’s point of view, even if you disagree.
- Avoid getting defensive and try to see things from your partner’s perspective.
- Let your partner speak without interruption and really listen to what they’re saying.
- Try to stay calm and constructive, and avoid getting emotional or yelling.
- Focus on the issue and what you can do to resolve it, rather than getting sidetracked by other problems.
- Take a break if things are getting too heated, and return to the discussion when you’re both calm.
15. Show physical affection
When things aren’t going well in your relationship, the last thing you feel like doing is being physically affectionate with your partner. But showing physical affection, even amid conflict, can help defuse the situation and make you feel better.
Hugging, kissing, cuddling, sex, and other forms of physical touch release oxytocin, the “bonding hormone” that helps to create a sense of attachment and connection. Oxytocin is also associated with reduced stress and anxiety and can help calm both of you down when you’re upset or angry.
In addition, physical affection helps to build trust, communication, and intimacy in a relationship. So even if you’re not feeling particularly affectionate, making an effort to show physical affection can help to improve your relationship in the long run.
16. Celebrate your differences
It’s great to have things in common with your partner, but celebrating your differences is also essential. After all, if you agreed on everything and liked all the same things, life would be pretty dull. The differences make life exciting and provide opportunities for learning and growth.
Of course, there will be times when your differences cause disagreements. But if you can learn to respect and appreciate each other’s point of view, it can make those disagreements more productive. And in the end, it will make your relationship stronger.
17. Discuss your values
Successful couples can have many different opinions and interests, but shared values usually unite them. These shared values are the things you believe in and guide your actions, decisions, and sense of morality.
When starting over in a relationship, it’s a good idea to discuss your values and make sure you see the world in a similar way. Examples of values might include your attitudes toward generosity, integrity, loyalty, or spirituality.
Finding common ground and building a solid relationship can be challenging if you don’t share the same values. For example, if one partner is willing to bend the truth and the other is not, it will create tension and conflict.
18. Schedule quality time
Starting over is the perfect time to reset your relationship’s priorities and ensure you’re spending the time you need to connect. When you’re busy with work, parenting, or other responsibilities, it’s easy to let your relationship take a backseat. But if you want your relationship to thrive, it’s important to schedule quality time together regularly.
This quality time can be used for anything from talking and catching up to doing something fun or exciting. The important thing is that you’re spending time focusing on each other and your relationship. Set aside a few hours every week for a date night, or make sure to have at least one day every weekend where you can spend time together without any distractions.
19. Learn the art of compromise
In any relationship, there will always be times when you have to compromise. Some compromises are small, like deciding where to eat dinner or what you watch on Netflix. But others are more significant, like deciding where you’re going to live or what kind of parenting style you will use.
The art of compromise is about figuring out what’s really important to you and what you’re willing to let go of. It’s also about being ready to see things from your partner’s perspective and finding a solution that works for both of you wherever possible.
If you’re having trouble compromising, it may be helpful to think about your overarching goals for the relationship. What do you both want to achieve? What kind of life do you want to build together? Keep these things in mind when making decisions, and it will be easier to find a middle ground.
20. Support each other’s goals
I’ve discussed the idea of planning for the future and defining goals as a couple, but it’s also essential that you support each other’s individual goals. For example, if your partner wants to return to school or start their own business, make sure you support them in any way you can.
And when things aren’t going well, it’s important to be there for each other and offer encouragement, support, and advice.
Of course, you can’t always put your own life on hold to support your partner’s goals. But if you’re willing to make sacrifices when necessary, it will help you build a stronger relationship.
21. Have your own life & independence
One of the best things you can do for your relationship is to have a life outside of it. This doesn’t mean you should neglect your partner or spend all your time with other people. But it’s important to have hobbies, interests, and friendships separate from your relationship.
Having your own life will make you happier and more fulfilled, making you a better partner. It will also give you a much-needed break from your relationship and help you recharge and return with fresh energy.
Of course, there’s such a thing as too much independence. If you’re spending more time with your friends than your partner, or if you’re keeping secrets from them, that’s a problem. But as long as you’re maintaining a healthy balance, having your own life is good.
22. Take it slow
Starting over in a relationship isn’t easy, and it’s essential to be patient and take things slowly. If you try to push ahead too quickly, you’ll risk falling back into some of your old patterns and habits.
Start with baby steps and focus on building a strong foundation for your relationship. Once you’ve established trust, communication, and mutual respect, you can start to work on other areas.
Remember, it’s not a race. You have the rest of your lives to build a robust and healthy relationship, so there’s no need to rush things.
23. Consider professional help
Even if you’ve both committed to starting over, breaking old patterns and establishing new ones can be difficult. A couple’s therapist or counselor can give you tools and strategies for making positive changes and guide you through the process of starting over.
If you’re both struggling to communicate effectively or resolve conflicts, a therapist can also provide an impartial perspective to help you to understand each other’s point of view and find common ground.
If you’re unsure whether therapy is right for you, talk to your partner about it and see if they’re open to the idea. It may be just what you need to get your relationship back on track.
