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If you’ve cheated on your partner, you probably feel pretty awful right now. You’re sick with guilt and shame and wonder how you’ll ever get past it and feel normal again.
There’s no getting past the fact that you made a terrible mistake. You betrayed someone you love and made yourself question whether you’re even worthy of being loved.
In some ways, the fact that you feel so guilty is a good thing. It shows that you’re fundamentally a good person who regrets your decision to cheat. But if you want to move on with your life and feel happy again, you need to find a way to forgive yourself. I hope this article gives you the tools to do just that.
1. Own your mistake
Before you can begin to forgive yourself, you need to own up to what you did. This means admitting to yourself that you made a mistake and taking personal responsibility for your actions.
It’s tempting to try and rationalize your behavior by blaming your partner, the circumstances, or the problems in your relationship. But at the end of the day, you decided to cheat, and you need to accept that.
Yes, it’s easy to make excuses for your behavior after the fact. But to forgive yourself, you must be honest about what happened and why it was wrong.
2. Figure out why you cheated
Figuring out why you cheated might bring up some painful emotions, but it’s an integral part of the process of forgiving yourself. People cheat for many reasons, and it’s different for everyone.
Maybe you felt neglected in your relationship and craved some attention and validation. Or perhaps the opposite is true, and you felt suffocated, and cheating was a way to assert your independence.
It could be that you’re not happy and are looking for a way out. Or maybe you were just caught up in the moment and made a spur-of-the-moment decision that you regret.
There’s no right or wrong answer here, and there’s no one cause of cheating. The important thing is that you take time to reflect on why you did it. This will help you understand your behavior and ensure you don’t repeat the same mistakes in the future.
If you’re having trouble figuring out why you cheated, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor. They can help you explore your emotions and figure out what’s happening beneath the surface.
3. Be honest about your relationship
You also need to be brutally honest with yourself about your relationship. Cheating is almost always a symptom of a problem in the relationship, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time.
If you’re unhappy with your sex life, resentful of your partner’s behavior, or feel unappreciated, those are all problems that you need to address. You might even realize that your feelings have changed, and it’s time to end the relationship.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that your partner is responsible for your decision to cheat. You alone are responsible for your actions. But if you want to forgive yourself and move on, you need to be honest about the state of your relationship.
4. Embrace the feeling of guilt
It sounds counterintuitive, but one of the best things you can do is to let yourself feel guilty. Guilt is a natural and healthy emotion, and trying to push it away will only make it worse.
Allow yourself to sit with the guilt and really feel it. Cry if you need to, talk about it with a friend, or write about it in a journal. Get it all out so you can start to move on.
And don’t forget, guilt is not the same as shame. Guilt is acknowledging that you did something wrong and feeling bad about it. Shame is beating yourself up and feeling like a bad person because of your mistake.
Remember that you’re not a bad person just because you cheated. You made a mistake, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. Try to focus on the guilt rather than the shame so you can start to forgive yourself.
Related post: 17 genuine signs he feels guilty for hurting you
5. Cut all ties with the person you cheated with
You must cut off all communication with the person you cheated with to move on from your affair. That means no texting, emailing, or social media.
You might also need to take extra steps, such as changing your phone number or blocking them on social media. Please do whatever you need to to ensure they’re entirely out of your life.
It’s also a good idea to avoid any places where you might run into them. If there’s a particular bar or restaurant you always went to together, find somewhere else to go. The last thing you need is to be constantly reminded of the affair.
6. Confide in someone you trust
Feeling guilty and ashamed is lonely and isolating, and it can be beneficial to talk to someone about what you’re going through. But it’s essential to choose the right person.
Look for someone who will be supportive and non-judgmental. A friend or family member might be a good choice, or you could talk to a therapist. Just make sure it’s someone you feel comfortable confiding in.
Talking about what happened can help you to process your emotions and make sense of all the thoughts whirling around in your head. If you’ve decided not to tell your partner, it can also be a huge relief to finally unburden your soul.
7. Commit to changing yourself
One of the most important steps toward self-forgiveness is committing to changing yourself. That means looking at your behavior and taking steps to make sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes in the future.
Take some time to really think about what caused you to cheat and what you need to do differently in the future. Then make an actionable plan for how you will change your behavior. Do you need to communicate better with your partner? Spend more time on self-care? Work on building your self-esteem? Whatever it is, make sure you’re specific about what you need to do and how you will do it.
The changes you need to make might involve reading books, attending therapy, or joining a support group. Whatever it takes, make sure you’re taking active steps to change yourself, so you don’t end up in the same situation again.
8. Give yourself time
Forgiving yourself is a process, and it’s not going to happen overnight. So be patient with yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed with guilt, remind yourself of everything you’re doing to make things right. Focus on the progress you’re making, however small it might be. And cut yourself some slack if you have a bad day or take a step back. The most important thing is that you’re moving in the right direction and taking steps to improve yourself.
9. Practice gratitude
Feeling guilty and ashamed makes it easy to focus on all the things you did wrong. But try to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
Yes, you made a mistake by cheating. But there are also probably many good things in your life too. Maybe you have a great partner, wonderful friends, or a fantastic job. Focus on the positives and be grateful for the good things in your life.
Practicing gratitude can help you to shift your perspective and see that even though you made a mistake, your life is still pretty good. And that can make it a little easier to forgive yourself.
10. Treat yourself with empathy
Think about how you would react if a friend came to you and told you they’d cheated. Would you be judgmental or compassionate? Understanding or critical? Imagine how you would want someone else to respond to you and treat yourself accordingly.
It might sound cheesy, but talking to yourself in a kind and understanding way can actually be really helpful. So the next time you feel guilty, try saying something like, “I know I’m not perfect, and I made a mistake. But I’m still a good person, and I deserve forgiveness.”
Practicing mindfulness can also help you to be more understanding and compassionate toward yourself. With practice, you can learn to observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment and let them go without getting caught in a cycle of negativity.
11. Work on your self-esteem
If you’re having a hard time forgiving yourself, it might be because your self-esteem is low. After all, it’s hard to believe you deserve forgiveness if you don’t even think you’re worthy of it.
So if you’re struggling with self-forgiveness, work on boosting your self-esteem. There are many different ways to do this, but some good options include attending therapy, reading self-help books, and practicing positive self-talk.
It will take some time, but working on your self-esteem can make forgiving yourself for your mistakes much easier.
12. Reaffirm your values
One of the reasons it might be difficult to forgive yourself is that you’ve violated your personal values. If you value honesty and trustworthiness, cheating will make you feel like you’re betraying yourself as well as your partner.
It can be helpful to reaffirm your values and remind yourself of what’s important to you. Consider writing down your values and putting them somewhere you can see them daily. Or perhaps talk to a friend or therapist about your values and why they matter to you.
13. Build trust in your relationship
It sounds ironic to talk about trust when you’ve cheated and don’t plan to confess, but it’s still important to think about.
Building trust with your partner will bring you closer together and might help solve the issue that led to cheating in the first place. Even small gestures like being more communicative or present in the relationship can make a big difference and set you up for a successful future.
14. Reaffirm your commitment to your partner
One way to build trust in your relationship is to reaffirm your commitment to your partner. This can be as simple as telling them how much you love and appreciate them.
It might also help to talk about what you want for the future of your relationship. Are you hoping to get married? Have kids? Buy a house? Whatever it is, sharing your plans and dreams with your partner can help to create a stronger connection between you.
15. Do some good in the world
Sometimes when we make a mistake, it can feel like we’re just a bad person. But that’s not true! Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has the potential to do good in the world.
One way to remind yourself of your goodness is to give back somehow. This could be volunteering your time, donating money to a cause you care about, or simply doing something nice for someone else.
Doing good in the world helps you to reconnect with your values and reminds you that you’re still a good person, even if you made a mistake.
16. Consider professional help
If you’re struggling to forgive yourself, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor. They can help you understand the root cause behind your cheating and give you tools to move forward.
Sometimes, people cheat because they’re struggling with an underlying mental health issue like depression, anxiety, or addiction. If this is the case for you, professional help can be essential in learning how to forgive yourself and get your life back on track.
Should you admit that you cheated?
If your partner doesn’t know that you cheated, should you tell them? The answer to this question is complicated and personal. You need to consider your relationship, your partner’s character, and the circumstances surrounding your affair.
If you want to be a loyal partner but succumb to a single moment of temptation, it may be best to keep the infidelity to yourself. Telling your partner will only cause pain and could damage your relationship beyond repair.
The most important thing is to ask yourself if you’re willing to learn from your mistake and make changes to ensure it never happens again.
On the other hand, if you had a full-blown affair or you feel like you can’t trust yourself not to cheat again, it’s best to come clean. It will be painful for both of you, but your partner deserves to know what happened so they can make an informed decision about whether to stay in the relationship.
Many people will disagree with the idea of keeping infidelity a secret. They believe that honesty is always the best policy and that hiding such a big secret will only make things worse in the long run. Ultimately, you must do what feels right for you and your relationship.
If you do decide to come clean, remember that your partner doesn’t owe you any forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness is really about giving yourself permission to start the process of forgiving yourself.
How do you tell your partner you cheated?
If you’ve decided to tell your partner that you cheated, it’s essential to do it in a way that shows you understand the pain and betrayal they feel.
Sit down with them when you’re both calm and explain what happened. Tell them how sorry you are and how much you regret your actions. Acknowledge their pain and assure them that you understand why they’re upset.
Be prepared to answer any questions they have honestly. They have a right to know as much about the situation as possible. This includes who you cheated with, when it happened, and how many times it occurred. However, try to spare any gory details that will hurt them more than necessary.
It’s also important to explain why you cheated. This will help them understand your actions and give them some closure. If you’re unsure why you did it, that’s okay too. Just be honest with them about what you’re feeling and thinking.
Avoid placing blame on anyone else involved. This will only make your partner feel more hurt and betrayed. Take responsibility for your actions, assure your partner that you’re committed to making things right, and have a plan.
Finally, be prepared to give them some space. They may need time to process everything that’s happened and decide whether they can forgive you. Give them the space they need, but let them know you’re there for them if they want to talk.
