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When you first got married, I’m sure you never imagined that your wife would turn out to be a total control freak. She may have always had a strong personality, but that was one of the things you loved about her in the early days.
But now the situation has gotten out of hand, and you’re starting to feel like you’re living with a dictator rather than a partner. She makes all your decisions for you, tells you what to do and when to do it, and tries to control every aspect of your life.
If this sounds familiar, then it’s time to take action and put a stop to your wife’s controlling behavior. Here are 20 signs you’re married to a controlling wife and practical tips on how to regain your freedom and independence.
Signs your wife is controlling
Controlling behavior usually builds up over time, and you might not realize how bad the situation is until you take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Controlling people also have lots of sneaky tricks to make you think they’re doing everything for your own good, which makes it even harder to spot the signs.
1. She constantly criticizes you
Being critical of your partner is never good, but a controlling wife will take it to the next level. She will find fault with everything you do, no matter how minor, and point it out in a way that destroys your self-esteem.
And if you try to stand up for yourself, she’ll always find a way to turn it around and make you feel like you’re in the wrong.
She might criticize how you look, what you wear, what you do for a living, and even find fault with your core beliefs and values. Your family and friends will also be a target because she’s trying to drive a wedge between you and the people who support you.
This constant criticism is designed to wear you down and make you feel like you’re not good enough for her. It’s a way for her to control you by making you dependent on her for validation and approval.
2. She plays the victim card
A controlling wife will constantly play the victim card to try to make you feel sorry for her by exaggerating or even inventing problems in her life.
She’ll play up how difficult she has it, how nobody understands her, and how hard she works to keep your family going. And if you don’t give her the attention and support she demands, she’ll accuse you of being insensitive and uncaring.
Her goal is to make you feel constantly guilty and obligated to her, so you’ll feel responsible for her happiness and do whatever she wants.
Of course, you can never do enough because she’ll always find something else to complain about. And if you try to call her out on her behavior, she’ll play the victim card even harder and make you feel like a terrible husband who’s mistreating her.
3. She gets angry over nothing
When things don’t go their way, controlling people often lash out in anger to assert their power. Even the smallest thing can set them off, and they’ll take their frustration out on you in the form of verbal or even physical abuse.
Your wife might start arguments over nothing, yell at you for no reason, and say hurtful things that she knows will hit a nerve. And if you try to defend yourself, she’ll accuse you of being the one who’s angry and out of control.
Her goal is to intimidate you into submission, so you’ll do what she wants to avoid her wrath. But even if you do everything she wants, she’ll still find a reason to be angry because making you feel bad makes her feel more powerful.
4. She uses guilt as a weapon
Do you find yourself feeling guilty all the time, even when you haven’t done anything wrong?
Your wife might make you feel guilty for working too much, spending time with your friends, or simply just doing something she doesn’t approve of. And if you don’t give in to her demands, she’ll guilt you even more by playing up how much she sacrifices for you.
Guilt is a powerful emotion, and it can be hard to resist when someone is constantly using it against you. But it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for your wife’s happiness, and you shouldn’t let her make you feel guilty for living your own life.
5. She builds you up and then cuts you down
A controlling wife might build you up when you do something she wants but then quickly turn around and tear you down when you don’t. She’ll make you feel like you’re the best husband in the world when you do what she wants but the worst husband in the world when you don’t.
This back-and-forth treatment is confusing and mentally exhausting. You never know where you stand, and you’re always walking on eggshells trying to please her.
6. She demands to know where you are at all times
Demanding to know where you are (and who you’re with) is often one of the first signs your wife is starting to exert control. She wants to know your every move so she can keep tabs on you and make sure you’re not doing anything she disapproves of.
Constant texts or phone calls are big red flags, and if you don’t answer her right away, she’ll guilt trip you into feeling bad. She might say passive-aggressive things like, “I was just wondering if you were still alive,” or “I was worried something happened to you.” In extreme cases, she might even start checking your phone, following you, or showing up unannounced to “surprise” you at work or when you’re out with friends.
And if you try to assert your privacy or tell her she’s being unreasonable, she’ll accuse you of hiding something or being suspicious. It’s all part of her plan to keep you under her thumb.
7. She always has to be right
Needing to be right all the time is a common trait of control freaks. They can’t stand it when someone disagrees with them, and they’ll go to great lengths to prove that they’re right and you’re wrong.
Your wife might get into arguments with you over trivial things to prove her point. She might interrupt you, talk over you, or make condescending comments to try to put you in your place.
She might even use gaslighting to make you question your reality and doubt your memories and perceptions. She’ll say things like, “You’re just imagining things,” or “That never happened.”
8. She controls your spending
There’s very little you can do without money, and if your wife controls your finances, she can more easily manipulate you.
Maybe you have to ask her permission before spending any money, or she analyzes every credit card bill and criticizes you for spending money on your hobbies or going out with friends. In extreme cases, she might even give you an allowance or open up a secret bank account so she can hide money from you.
Of course, the same strict financial rules don’t apply to her. She can spend money on whatever she wants, and her purchases are always “necessary,” while yours are always “frivolous.”
9. She’s constantly testing you
A controlling wife will constantly test your limits to see how much she can get away with. She’ll gradually start pushing boundaries and increase her level of control to see how far she can go before you begin to push back.
For example, she might start by criticizing your friends and telling you they’re a terrible influence on you. But before long, she’s telling you who your friends should be and dictating who you can and can’t spend time with.
Or, she might initially give you “advice” on what to wear to work or on a night out with friends. But soon, she’s picking out your clothes for you and telling you how to style your hair.
10. She makes you feel indebted to her
When you feel like you owe someone, it’s tough to say no to them. And that’s exactly what your controlling wife wants. She wants you to feel like she’s done so much for you that you can never repay her, and you owe her your loyalty, obedience, and submission.
Maybe she’s constantly reminding you of how much she sacrifices for your relationship. She might say, “I do everything for this family,” or “I’ve given up so much for you.” Or, she might guilt trip you by playing the martyr and making it seem like you’re taking advantage of her by saying, “I work so hard for this family, and I don’t get any appreciation,” or “You’re just using me.”
11. You have to ask for permission to do anything
Do you feel like you need to ask your wife’s permission before you do anything? Do you have to run every decision by her, no matter how small? If so, she’s probably using this to control you. And when she does bless you with her permission, she’ll make you feel grateful and indebted to her.
She may even try to guilt you into asking her permission by using passive-aggressive phrases like, “I don’t know why you bother asking me; you’re just going to do what you want anyway,” or “I don’t care what you do, it’s your life.”
12. She withdraws affection as punishment
Withdrawing affection is one of the most toxic ways a controlling wife can punish you. Withholding sex until she gets what she wants is the most common example, but she might also withhold affection in other ways, like giving you the silent treatment, being cold and distant, or refusing to let you touch her.
Being physically affectionate with you around family and friends but completely cold and distant in private is another control pattern designed to humiliate you. You never know when she will show you affection, so you’re constantly guessing and trying to please her.
13. She makes all the decisions
This probably started with small things, like what you’re going to watch on TV or what you’re going to have for dinner. But before long, she’s making all the big decisions in your life around your career, finances, and relationship with your family and friends.
Of course, the same rules don’t apply to her. If you dare to decide something on your own, she’ll make you feel guilty for not consulting her even though she does the same thing to you on a daily basis.
14. She isolates you from your friends and family
Have you noticed that you’ve lost touch with your friends and family since you’ve been with your wife? A controlling wife will try to isolate you from the people who love you the most because she knows they’re a threat to her control.
Perhaps she constantly bad mouths your loved ones and tries to turn you against them. Or she might make it difficult for you to see them by always demanding your time and attention. Either way, her goal is to make you dependent on her for emotional support and to slowly push your loved ones out of your life.
15. She has a different set of rules
Does it feel like you and your wife are operating under different rules? These double standards can apply to all areas of your life, and it makes you feel like you’re being treated like a child.
For example, she might lecture you about spending money on yourself but have no problem blowing money on unnecessary things. Or she might constantly criticize and belittle you, but if you so much as look at her the wrong way, you’re in for a world of hurt. And when you call her on it, she’ll deny it and play the victim by saying things like, “I’m doing it for your own good,” or “You’re just too sensitive.”
16. You’re always the one apologizing
Over time, your wife may be subtly conditioning you to constantly apologize, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. After a while, you start to believe that everything really is your fault and that it’s up to you to make things right. Of course, she will never apologize to you, no matter how much pain she causes you. In her mind, she’s always the victim, and you’re always the one who needs to earn her forgiveness.
She might even do this by gaslighting you, which means she manipulates the situation and changes the facts to make you question your reality. For example, she might claim you said something you didn’t say or that you did something you don’t remember doing. In the end, you just apologize for everything and do your best to please her, even though you have no idea what you’re apologizing for.
17. She talks down to you
Talking down to you and calling you names makes you feel small and insignificant so that you’re less likely to challenge her. And the more she does it, the more your self-esteem and confidence are eroded.
She might even talk down to you in front of other people to humiliate you and make herself look more in control. And if you try to stand up for yourself, she’ll find a way to make you look like the crazy one. She knows you’ll do anything she wants to avoid embarrassment in front of other people.
18. She doesn’t respect your privacy
Everyone has a right to privacy, but your wife blows through your boundaries like they’re nothing. She goes through your things without asking, reads your emails and text messages, and demands to know where you are and who you’re with at all times. And if you try to assert your right to privacy, she’ll make you feel guilty by saying things like, “If you have nothing to hide, you won’t mind me looking.”
19. She threatens you
Does your wife use threats to get what she wants? Maybe she threatens to withhold sex or affection, or she even threatens to leave you if you don’t do exactly what she says. If you have children, threatening to leave you and take the kids might be all she needs to get her way.
Over time, you may have noticed her threats get more severe as she tests the limits to see what will scare you the most. Her threats are designed to frighten you into submission and make you feel like you’re powerless to stand up to her. The only way to get her to stop is to call her bluff and be prepared to face the consequences.
20. She gaslights you
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser tries to make you question your own reality. Your wife might deny saying things that you know she said, or she might twist your words to make it seem like you said something you didn’t.
Over time, gaslighting can make you doubt your own memories and perceptions and even start to question your sanity. If you feel like you’re constantly second-guessing yourself and can’t make sense of your life, it’s time to get out of the relationship.
How to deal with a controlling wife
The sad thing is, your relationship probably wasn’t always like this. When you first got together, she was romantic and sweet, and you felt like you were the luckiest guy in the world. It will take hard work and resolve, but getting your relationship back to that place might be possible. Here are some practical techniques to deal with your controlling wife.
1. Try to understand why
The first thing you need to do is understand why your wife behaves this way. If you can understand what’s motivating her, it will be much easier to find a way to help her and save your relationship.
Deep down, controlling people are often anxious and scared, and dominating other people is a way to bend the world to their will and make themselves feel more powerful and in control of their lives.
Personal insecurities and low self-esteem can also lead to controlling behavior. Constantly putting you down and telling you what to do might be a way to even the playing field and make herself feel better about herself. If your wife has suffered past experiences with rejection or abandonment, her controlling behavior may be a defense mechanism to avoid being hurt again.
Psychological issues such a personality or anxiety disorder can also create control issues. If your wife has one of these conditions, she may need medication or therapy to help her deal with her emotions in a healthy way.
2. Tell her how she makes you feel
Nothing will ever change in your relationship if you don’t tell her how her behavior affects you. In a calm and non-accusatory way, explain to her how her controlling ways make you feel.
Always speak calmly and respectfully, and come from a place of empathy and understanding. Avoid using generalizations like “always” and “constantly” when you’re giving examples of her behavior, and try to be as specific as possible.
It might help to write down what you want to say beforehand so you don’t get side-tracked or emotional. Remember that the goal is not to make her feel bad but rather to help her see how her behavior is impacting your relationship.
Using “I” statements is another good technique to make sure you’re coming from a place of understanding. For example, saying “I feel disrespected when you tell me what to do all the time” sounds less accusatory than “You’re always disrespecting me by telling me what to do.”
3. Be prepared for denial
Your wife will probably try to deny that she’s doing anything wrong and start a power struggle with you. She might say that you’re being too sensitive or that you’re imagining things. Just stay calm and reiterate what you’ve already said. Use specific examples to illustrate your point of view, and try not to get defensive or emotional.
4. Set clear boundaries and communicate them
Part of dealing with a controlling person is being very clear about your own boundaries and communicating them to her calmly and assertively.
Every time your wife violates one of your boundaries, you need to speak up and be very clear that you will not tolerate such behavior. It might be difficult at first, but it’s essential to be consistent if you want things to change.
You’ll also need to play her game and use threats and punishment as a way to enforce change. If she does something small, remind her firmly that she’s stepped over the line. But if she does something more serious, you need to be clear that you’ll leave the relationship if it continues to happen.
5. Stay calm & logical
When your wife tries to control you, always stay calm and logical. Getting emotional or angry will only worsen things and give her more ammunition to use against you.
If she’s trying to start an argument, be the better person and calmly explain that you’re not going to fight with her. If she’s using manipulative behavior, call her out on it calmly but firmly. The more you can stay in control of your own emotions, the more difficult it will be for her to control you.
A great way to respond to her is to reframe her behavior with a question. For example, you might say, “How would you feel if I critiqued everything you wear?” or “Do you think it’s fair for you to always decide what we do on weekends?”. This technique will help her see things from your perspective and hopefully make her more open to changing her behavior.
6. Be prepared to leave
At the end of the day, you need to be prepared to walk away if your wife won’t do the work to change her controlling ways. If you’ve communicated your boundaries, been clear about the consequences, and given her a reasonable period of time to make positive changes, but she hasn’t, then it might be time to end the toxic relationship.
Being a victim of extreme controlling behavior can be highly damaging to your self-esteem and mental health, and it’s not something you should have to tolerate in a relationship.
7. Stay in touch with your friends and family
A controlling spouse will often attempt to cut their partners off from their friends and family, so staying close to the people who love and support you is important. A trusted family member or best friend can provide you with a much-needed reality check when you feel lost in your relationship.
They can also offer practical help, like a place to stay if you need to leave suddenly. So don’t be afraid to lean on your loved ones for emotional and practical support.
8. Don’t blame yourself
It’s also important not to blame yourself for your wife’s controlling behavior. No matter how guilty she makes you feel – remember, it’s not your fault, and you can’t change her – only she can do that.
9. Seek professional help
If your wife is open to change, consider seeking professional help together. Marriage counseling might help you both understand the root causes of her controlling behavior and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
But even if she’s not open to therapy, it might be helpful for you to see a therapist on your own. This can be a great way to work through any feelings of guilt, shame, or self-blame and develop a stronger sense of self.
