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If you fight a lot with your partner, you may be worried that your relationship is in trouble. But the truth is, even the happiest couples argue from time to time. In fact, fighting can signify a healthy relationship because it means you’re both willing to communicate openly about your disagreements.
However, there’s a right way and a wrong way to argue with your partner. If you’re constantly yelling and disrespecting each other, that’s not healthy. But if you can argue constructively, it can help strengthen your relationship and deepen your bond.
Keep reading to learn how much fighting is normal in a relationship and how to avoid toxic arguments that will push your partner away.
How often does the average couple fight?
Disagreements are a part of life, and even the happiest couples fight from time to time. Unfortunately, no magic number of arguments indicates whether or not your relationship is in trouble. Every couple is different, and what’s normal for one couple may not be typical for another.
Some couples argue frequently but can resolve their disagreements quickly and move on. Other couples only argue occasionally, but when they do, it’s a big blow-up that takes days or weeks to recover from.
The average couple generally argues between 1 and 3 times per week. Depending on your perspective, this might seem like a little or a lot, but it’s pretty standard. If you’re arguing more than this, it may be a sign that you’re not communicating effectively in your relationship.
Is fighting normal in a relationship?
Yes, it’s perfectly normal for couples to fight. In fact, fighting can actually be a good sign because it means you’re both willing to communicate openly about your disagreements. In many cases, couples who fight stand a better chance of staying together in the long run than couples who avoid conflict altogether.
Couples who avoid conflict and sweep problems under the rug often end up harboring resentment towards each other. This can eventually lead to feelings of disconnection and betrayal, even if the couple never actually fought about the issue.
What’s important is not the frequency of your arguments but how you handle them. Even frequent disagreements can be healthy for your relationship if you can argue constructively. On the other hand, if you’re constantly yelling and disrespecting each other, that’s not healthy, regardless of how often you fight.
What are the benefits of fighting in a relationship?
It’s easy to assume that fighting with your partner is bad, but in reality, it can be good for your relationship. Here are some of the benefits that constructive arguing brings to a relationship.
1. It confronts problems head on
Fighting forces you to confront an issue in your relationship head-on rather than sweeping it under the rug. As long as you listen to each other and remain respectful, it can be a productive way to deal with problems because you can be completely honest without holding anything back.
2. It strengthens your bond
In some cases, fighting can actually help strengthen the bond between you and your partner. This is especially true if you can resolve your disagreement and move on quickly. Every time you work through a problem together, it makes your relationship more robust and more resilient.
3. It builds trust
Healthy arguing builds trust because it shows that you’re both willing to be open and honest with each other, even when it’s tough. It also demonstrates that you’re committed to finding a resolution that works for both of you.
4. It helps you learn to compromise
Successful relationships are built on compromise, and arguing can help you learn how to do this effectively. In every argument, there will be things that you’re both willing to compromise on and things that are non-negotiable. Learning to identify these differences can help you find common ground more easily in the future.
5. It enables you to get your needs met
The reason you have arguments in the first place is that you want something to change. Maybe you’re feeling unheard or unappreciated, or perhaps you just want your partner to do the dishes more often. Whatever it is, fighting gives you an opportunity to express your needs and try to get them met.
6. It helps you learn more about your partner
Arguing can also be a way to learn more about your partner. When you’re in the heat of an argument, you’ll probably notice things about the way they think and react that you didn’t notice before. This can give you a better understanding of their perspective and help you see them in a new light.
What are the main reasons couples fight?
Even if you don’t realize it at the time, most relationship fights boil down to one of the following categories. Knowing the underlying reasons for your arguments can help address the core issue and avoid similar disputes in the future.
1. Communication style & attitude
One of the most common reasons couples fight is differences in communication style or attitude. For example, one partner might have a more aggressive style which makes their partner feel attacked. Or, one partner might be more passive, making the other feel like they’re not being heard.
2. Financial worries
Money is one of the most common sources of stress in a relationship, so it’s no surprise that it’s also a common reason for couples to fight. Whether it’s disagreements about spending, worries about debt, or conflict over financial goals, money can be a significant source of tension.
3. Different parenting styles
If you have children, differences in parenting style can be another major source of conflict. One parent might be more lenient while the other is stricter, or one might be more involved in their child’s life than the other. These differences can lead to arguments about how to discipline your kids, how much time you spend with them, or what values to instill in them.
4. Household chores
Another common source of friction is differences in how you and your partner approach household chores. One of you might think it’s important to keep a clean house while the other couldn’t care less, or you might have different ideas about who should be responsible for specific tasks.
5. Affection and quality time
Sometimes, couples fight because they’re not getting the affection or quality time they need from their partner. One partner might feel like they’re being ignored or that their partner is always too busy to spend time with them. This can lead to arguments about how much quality time you spend together or how you show your love for each other.
6. Extended family relationships
Relationships with extended family members can also be a source of conflict. One partner might want to spend more time with their family than the other, or there might be disagreements about handling difficult relatives.
7. Lifestyle choices
Lifestyle choices can also be a source of tension in a relationship. For example, one partner might want to go out and party every weekend while the other prefers to stay home and relax. Or, one of you might want to live a more spontaneous lifestyle while the other enjoys having a set routine.
8. Sex
Mismatched libidos or different sexual needs can also lead to arguments. One partner might want to have sex more often than the other, or there might be disagreements about what kind of sex to have or how to spice up your sex life.
Signs your arguments are toxic
As we’ve discussed, not all arguments are created equally, and there’s such a thing as a healthy argument. So, how can you tell if your fights are toxic? Here are some signs to look out for:
1. Repeating the same argument over and over
Having the same argument again and again is a sign that you’re not addressing the underlying issue. You might be arguing about the same thing because you’re avoiding a more difficult conversation or because you’re both too stubborn to budge on your position.
2. Interrupting and talking over each other
If you can’t have a conversation without interrupting or talking over each other, it shows that you’re not really listening to what your partner is saying. It will be impossible to solve the problem if you don’t hear each other out.
3. Yelling and screaming
Yelling and screaming at each other is a sure sign that your arguments are getting out of hand. It’s disrespectful and makes it much harder to resolve the issue because you’re both too emotional to think clearly.
4. Physical altercations
Physical violence in a relationship is never okay, and it’s a sign that your arguments are toxic and need to be addressed immediately. If you find yourself physically violent with your partner, getting help from a professional is essential before things spiral further out of control.
5. Using past mistakes as a weapon
Bringing up past mistakes your partner has made shows that you’re not interested in resolving the current issue. All you’re doing is attacking them and trying to make them feel bad. Dwelling on the past will also make it much harder to solve the issue at hand.
6. Passing blame
If you’re quick to blame your partner for everything wrong in the relationship, it’s a sign that you’re not taking responsibility for your actions. This can make your partner feel like they’re constantly being blamed and that their opinion doesn’t matter. It can also make it harder to solve problems because you’re not looking at the situation objectively.
7. Mind reading and making assumptions
If you’re constantly guessing what your partner is thinking or feeling, it’s a sign that you’re not really communicating with each other. This can lead to arguments because you’re both getting frustrated trying to figure out what the other person is thinking.
8. Threatening to leave
Threatening to leave the relationship every time you disagree is cowardly and manipulative. It’s unfair to put your partner in the position of choosing between staying with you and resolving the issue.
How to have healthy arguments with your partner
Okay, now that we’ve gone over some signs that your arguments are toxic, let’s talk about how to have healthy arguments with your partner. Here are some tips:
1. Focus on the issue at hand
The most important thing to do when arguing with your partner is to stay focused on the issue. Changing the subject or bringing up past mistakes will only make the argument more heated and make it harder to resolve the issue.
2. Don’t make it personal
Even if you’re fighting about a personality issue, try to separate the person from the problem and avoid personal attacks and character assassinations. For example, if you want your partner to appreciate your work around the house more, focus on how the lack of appreciation makes you feel. Avoid attacking them and saying things like, “You’re so lazy and ungrateful.”
3. Practice active listening
Active listening is a communication technique that involves listening to your partner, paraphrasing what they say to show you understand, and asking clarifying questions. It helps to ensure that you’re both on the same page and understand each other’s perspective.
4. Keep your tone calm and respectful
Even if you’re feeling upset, it’s essential to try and keep your tone of voice calm and respectful. Raised voices will make the situation more heated and make it harder to resolve the issue.
5. Compromise
When arguing with your partner, you must be willing to compromise. This means you’re both ready to give up something or find the middle ground to reach a resolution. For example, if you’re arguing about who should take out the trash, you might agree to take it out one week, and your partner will take it out the following week.
6. Don’t bring up the past
As I mentioned, dwelling on past mistakes will only make the argument more heated and make it harder to resolve the issue. If you’re frustrated because your partner keeps bringing up something you did wrong in the past, calmly ask them to focus on the current topic.
7. Think before you speak
When emotions are running high, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean. That’s why it’s important to take a step back and think about what you’ll say before you say it. This will help you avoid saying something hurtful that you might later regret.
8. Take a break if things get heated
If you find that you’re getting too emotional or the argument is starting to get too heated, it might be a good idea to take a break. This doesn’t mean that you’re giving up on trying to resolve the issue; it just means that you need some time to calm down before you continue the discussion.
9. Apologize when appropriate
If you’ve said something hurtful or made a mistake, it’s important to apologize. This shows that you’re willing to take responsibility for your actions and are committed to making things right.
Don’t give up on your marriage until you’ve tried this
If you’re looking for a practical guide to saving your marriage without expensive counseling, I recommend you check out Mend the Marriage by Brad Browning.
There are many marriage-saving guides out there, but Mend the Marriage is by far the most detailed guide I’ve ever seen. No matter what issues you’re facing in your marriage, Brad will have helpful advice for your situation and answer all your “what if” scenarios.”
Mend the Marriage contains hundreds of real-world examples tested on married couples. For example, the section on how to handle arguments will show you effective techniques to instantly stop a fight in its tracks without any lingering resentment.
The best part is that Mend the Marriage will work even if your spouse isn’t interested. In fact, Brad believes it’s better if you take the first steps on your own. His powerful psychological techniques will rewire your spouse’s perception of you and subconsciously rebuild their attraction before they even know what’s happening.
Brad claims that almost all marriages can be saved. That’s a bold claim, but I believe him after reading Mend the Marriage. Brad is a certified relationship counselor and has spent over a decade helping men and women repair their broken relationships. His experience has helped him develop dozens of unique and groundbreaking techniques I’ve never seen anywhere else.
Check out Brad’s free video to learn more about Mend the Marriage. It might make the difference between “divorced and lonely” and “happily ever after.”
