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Being in love is supposed to be an amazing and happy feeling, but unfortunately, it can also hurt. Love is a complex and confusing emotion, and it has many of the same properties as drug addiction, such as cravings, highs and lows, and withdrawal. The loss of control and fear of rejection can also fill you with anxiety and insecurity. Keep reading for 15 reasons why love hurts so much and what to do about it.
Is love supposed to hurt?
The excitement, exhaustion, and emotional hurt associated with falling in love is normal and serves a valuable purpose. It stops you from becoming obsessed or attached too quickly and ruining your chances of building a deep and meaningful relationship. The hurt is also a reminder that love is serious and the emotional stakes are high. It helps you spot red flags early and motivates you to ensure you’re getting your needs met in the relationship.
Being in love is like a rollercoaster ride full of dizzying highs and terrible lows. Spending quality time with your love feels incredible. Your heart is bursting with excitement and joy, and nothing can bring you down. But when something goes wrong, or you’re forced to be apart, the crash can make you feel anxious, exhausted, and even physically ill.
These emotions are very real, and you should listen to your body and use them to make decisions that are right for you. For example, if you constantly feel hurt and rejected by your new partner, it’s a signal to step back and reevaluate whether the relationship is right for you.
Love vs. lust
Lust is characterized by an intense physical attraction and a craving for sexual pleasure. When you lust after someone, you’re not interested in getting to know them better or developing a long-term relationship. All you want is to satisfy your desires and feel the pleasure of being close to them.
On the other hand, love is a deep emotional connection based on mutual respect and understanding. A loving relationship creates a safe environment for both partners and is built on trust and commitment. When you love someone, you want to spend quality time together, share your thoughts and feelings, and grow with them over time.
It’s normal for lust to dominate in the early days of a relationship, but over time, it fades and is replaced by love. If the transition between lust and love never happens, it’s a sign that your relationship may not be healthy. It might indicate that you’re obsessed, communication is lacking, or you’re being manipulated.
15 reasons love hurts so much
Now that we’ve covered the basics let’s look at all the specific reasons why love hurts so much.
1. Love is addictive
Love hurts because it shares many of the same characteristics as drug addiction, including cravings, highs and lows, and withdrawal. It activates the area of the brain associated with pleasure and reward and can produce intense physical and emotional responses. When you’re in love, you might experience anxiety, euphoria, a racing heart, sweaty palms, and many other sensations associated with addiction.
In chemical terms, love causes the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that stimulates pleasure centers in the brain. This makes it hard to stay away from your partner because you feel addicted to their touch, attention, and how they make you feel. And when you don’t get the attention you crave, your body goes into withdrawal, and you feel empty, depressed, and anxious.
2. You can’t stop thinking about them
When you first fall in love, getting the other person out of your mind is nearly impossible. You replay past conversations in your mind, daydream about the future, and worry about whether they feel the same way about you.
These thoughts are normal but can become distracting and painful if left unchecked. They can cause you to lose focus at work, neglect other social obligations, disrupt sleep patterns, and even lead to physical symptoms such as head and stomach aches.
If your thoughts are becoming an obsession, try talking it out with a trusted friend or therapist. They can help you gain insight into why you’re feeling so overwhelmed and provide practical advice on managing your emotions.
3. You feel a loss of control
The loss of control you feel when falling in love can be overwhelming, especially if you’re usually rational and logical. You fluctuate between intense highs and crippling lows, and it can be hard to make sense of your feelings. You make irrational decisions, act differently, and say things you don’t mean to please your new partner.
4. You fear rejection
Loving someone involves a significant emotional risk, especially in the early stages of a relationship. You worry that your partner doesn’t love you as much as you love them or will suddenly realize they don’t want to be with you. Opening up and being vulnerable is also scary because it exposes you to being hurt.
This fear of rejection is natural, but it can cause a lot of stress and anxiety. In extreme cases, it can lead to destructive behaviors such as clinginess, acting hot and cold, or even pushing your partner away intentionally. All you can do is build trust with your partner, communicate how you feel, and accept that you can’t control everything.
5. You have baggage from the past
When you fall in love, carrying emotional baggage from past relationships can be a huge source of stress and mistrust. Memories of old hurts can resurface and make you more likely to fear rejection, be overly possessive, or struggle to open up and be vulnerable.
The only way to move forward is to let go of the past and focus on the present. That means acknowledging and accepting the past, learning from it, and giving yourself space to heal and trust again.
6. You fear the unknown
No matter how much you love someone, there’s always a fear of the unknown. Will your relationship last? Are you wasting your time? What if things don’t work out, and you have to return to being single again?
Starting a new relationship comes with an opportunity cost because you’re giving up a chance to pursue all the other potential relationships out there. It can be hard to let go of the idea that this one person might not be the right one for you, but if you don’t take risks and put yourself out there, you’ll never find true love.
7. Being vulnerable can be scary
Being vulnerable in a relationship means letting yourself be seen and accepted for who you really are, warts and all. It can be scary to open up completely, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. You need to trust your new love enough to let them into your heart and life, even though you know they might reject you.
8. You want to possess them
The intensity of new love can sometimes lead to feelings of possessiveness. For example, you might get irrationally jealous when you see them talking to someone else or worry about them dumping you. You want to protect them from the world and make them dependent on you for their happiness, so they’ll never want to leave you.
A little possessiveness is normal, but it can become unhealthy if you don’t learn to trust your partner. Trying to possess or control them will only drive them away, so focus on building your self-esteem and practice open communication to help them understand how you feel.
9. You start to see their flaws
When you first fall in love, it’s easy to ignore your partner’s flaws and imperfections. But over time, many of the quirks you used to find cute start to grate and become annoying. As a result, you demand more compromise and become more critical, creating tension and hurt in the relationship.
10. You’re disappointed when things aren’t perfect
The first time you have a big fight or disagree on something, it’s a huge wake-up call that leaves you feeling shocked and disappointed. The rose-colored glasses have suddenly come off, and you realize the person you love isn’t perfect. You’re finally out of the honeymoon phase and must accept that a lasting relationship requires hard work and compromise.
11. You have self-doubts
Self-doubt can be a massive reason why love hurts so much. If you suffer from low self-esteem, you might constantly convince yourself that you’re not good enough or don’t deserve to be loved. You start to overthink everything and question your partner’s actions, wondering if they actually love you or if it’s all an act.
12. You compare yourself to other couples
Social media can have a significant effect on how you view your own relationship. Constantly seeing images of perfect dates and loving gestures that other couples post online can make you feel unworthy and dissatisfied.
The key is to remember that social media is just a snapshot of other people’s lives, and most of it isn’t real. Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on your own relationship and the unique love you share with your partner.
13. You set unrealistic expectations
When you start dating someone, it’s easy to get swept up in the fantasy of a fairytale romance where you never argue and everything is perfect. But this isn’t realistic – every relationship goes through highs and lows. If you want your love to last, you must embrace the good and bad times and accept that no one is perfect.
14. You’re scared of commitment
If you’re scared of commitment, it’s natural to close yourself off emotionally and try to keep your partner at arm’s length. However, this will eventually make them feel hurt and rejected and push them away.
It takes courage to overcome your fear of commitment and let someone into your life, but it’s the only way to build a loving and successful relationship. You need to trust your partner and be willing to take risks if you want your love to grow.
Related post: 35 ways to make a man commit (without pressuring him)
15. You’re too eager to please
Trying to please your partner is great, but it can cause you a lot of hurt and pain if you don’t find the right balance. If you become obsessed with what they want and neglect your own needs, you’ll quickly start to feel used and taken for granted.
The key is to take care of yourself first and be honest about what you need from the relationship. That way, you’ll be able to give your partner the love and attention they deserve without sacrificing your own well-being.
What to do when love hurts
There’s no way to completely avoid the hurt that comes with loving someone, but the following tips will help you maintain a healthy balance and build a relationship that can go the distance.
1. Take things slow
As long as you’re both on the same page, taking things slow can reduce the risk of heartache and disappointment down the road. It gives you time to figure out if the relationship is right for you, spot red flags early, and build a solid foundation of trust before making any significant commitments.
2. Communicate openly and honestly
Open and honest communication is essential for any lasting relationship. Even if you’re scared of how your partner will react, try to be as transparent as possible about your feelings and needs.
As you get used to expressing your feelings, it will become easier to discuss any relationship issues. As a result, you’ll solve problems more quickly with less stress and avoid resentment and misunderstandings.
3. Practice self-care
It’s easy to lose yourself in a new relationship and put all your energy into pleasing your partner, which can lead to emotional dependence and resentment. To counter this, prioritize your mental health by engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Taking care of yourself will help you stay grounded and maintain a healthy relationship balance. When you feel good about yourself, it’s easier to weather the bumps in the road and build a solid and lasting relationship.
4. Work on building trust
Unfortunately, there’s no shortcut to building trust. You need to be patient, communicate, and consistently show your partner they can rely on you.
Once you have a solid foundation of trust, it’s easier to navigate the highs and lows that come with love without feeling hurt, overwhelmed, or scared. You’ll be able to express yourself authentically and enjoy a relationship built on genuine connection and understanding.
5. Have realistic expectations
One of the best ways to avoid heartache is to have realistic expectations. Don’t idealize your partner or expect them to live up to impossible standards, as this will only lead to frustration and disappointment.
Be mindful of what you expect from the relationship and ensure you’re both equally committed and invested. That way, you won’t feel like you’re doing all the heavy lifting, and your relationship has a better chance of lasting in the long run.
6. Focus on the present
It’s easy to get caught up worrying about the future (or ruminating over the past) and forget to appreciate what you have in the present. Make a conscious effort to savor all the moments of joy in your relationship and let go of what you can’t control.
Final thoughts
Our ability to love makes us uniquely human and gives our lives so much meaning. Even though love often hurts, it’s always worth the risk. There’s nothing more wonderful than finding someone to share your life with and building a deep and powerful connection.
You can reduce the hurt and enjoy a healthy, fulfilling connection with your partner by taking proactive steps to nurture your relationship. Communicate openly, practice self-care, and build trust to keep your love alive and your relationship strong.
