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Love and lust are perfectly natural (and powerful) feelings, but sometimes they can turn into an unhealthy obsession. Obsessing over someone can completely take over your life and have severe negative impacts on your mental health and well-being.
Here are 15 signs you’ve become obsessed with someone and how to stop the damaging behavior and restore a healthy balance to your love life.
Signs you’re obsessed with someone
Before we get into the details of how to stop obsessing over someone, here are the signs to look for that suggest you have an unhealthy obsession.
1. You can’t stop thinking about them
It’s natural to spend a lot of time thinking about someone you love. You imagine all kinds of romantic scenarios, daydream about your future together, and wonder what they’re doing when you’re not around.
However, there’s a big difference between healthy infatuation and obsession. If thinking about someone has become all-consuming and negatively impacts your work, social life, or ability to eat and sleep, then you need to take steps to break the cycle.
Related post: 15 practical ways to stop thinking about something
2. Your happiness depends on them
Being in love should make you happy, but ask yourself if your happiness depends on being with them. Do you feel desperate and lonely when they don’t text you back immediately or make plans without you? Do you live in constant fear that they’ll dump you for someone else? These are signs that you’ve outsourced your emotional security and happiness to someone else.
No one else should have so much control over your happiness. It will make you act clingy and needy and eventually push the other person away. It’s essential to focus on rebuilding your sense of self-worth and personal identity so you can feel secure, happy, and complete regardless of your relationship status.
Related post: Why am I so unhappy? 24 reasons (and how to change)
3. You feel possessive toward them
Possessiveness is a sign of unhealthy attachment that goes beyond love or lust. Left unchecked, it can manifest in all kinds of destructive ways, such as controlling behavior, manipulation, and even threats and intimidation.
If you feel possessive toward someone, try to be self-aware and ask yourself why you think this way. Is it stemming from low self-esteem or insecurity? Do you have a fear of abandonment or rejection? Once you address the root of your possessive behavior, you can start to take steps to be more trusting and secure in yourself.
4. You refuse to accept rejection
Rejection is an unfortunate part of life that most people face at some point. The reality is that you can’t force someone to love you.
It’s okay to try and convince someone to go out with you or attempt to win back your ex, but you must know where to draw the line. If someone outright tells you they’re not interested, accept it with grace and dignity and move on.
Stalking someone, harassing them via text message or phone calls, using guilt or manipulation, or showing up at their place of work, are all signs that you’re not coping with rejection.
5. You ignore obvious flaws
Choosing to overlook someone’s flaws is a classic sign of obsession. You want to be with them so badly that you’re willing to turn a blind eye even when they use you, mistreat you, or show signs of being untrustworthy.
Love shouldn’t be blind; it should be balanced and realistic. The person you love should make you feel safe, respected, and valued. If your feelings for someone are causing you to ignore any negative behavior or warning signs, it’s time to take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship.
6. You shut yourself off from anyone else
If someone makes it clear they’re not interested, shutting yourself off from other potential partners might signal that you’re obsessed. It’s natural to grieve when things don’t work out, but at some point, you need to open yourself to the possibility of meeting someone new.
Take time to reflect and heal, but don’t let your obsession become a long-term barrier to finding love and happiness. Focus on improving yourself, doing things that make you happy, and spending time with friends who care about you. This will help take your mind off your obsession and become emotionally available again.
7. You think you’re meant to be together
There’s nothing wrong with believing you’re meant to be with someone as long as you stay realistic. What feels like fate could simply be intense infatuation, so take time to reflect and think logically about the situation. Be honest with yourself about whether the person is genuinely right for you and separate reality from fantasy.
8. You try to change yourself for them
Trying to change yourself to please someone else is a serious red flag that you’ve become obsessed. It shows that you’re so intent on being loved that you’re willing to abandon your own personality and beliefs.
Self-improvement is always a good thing, but it should come from within. Instead of changing yourself to make someone else like you, focus on being the best version of yourself. It’s the only way to have a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and understanding.
9. You’re overly jealous
There’s nothing wrong with a little healthy jealousy, but it can get out of control and lead to obsessive behavior such as spying, stalking, or false accusations of cheating. This isn’t healthy and will put a massive strain on your relationship or destroy it completely.
10. You stalk them on social media or in real life
If you find yourself constantly checking up on someone, it’s a clear sign of unhealthy obsession. Stalking someone online or in person isn’t a substitute for a real relationship, and it will make you look like a creep when you eventually get caught.
How to stop obsessing over someone
If some of the above signs of obsession resonate with you, then it’s time to take action. Here are some tips on how to stop obsessing.
1. Accept that you’re obsessed
If you’re unwilling to admit you have a problem, you can’t expect to make any progress. The first step is acknowledging that your thoughts or behaviors are unhealthy and that you need to change.
Unfortunately, this is often easier said than done because you want to believe that your obsession is based on real feelings and love. Here are some honest questions to ask yourself:
- Do you have a real relationship with this person, or is it all in your head?
- Has your behavior changed a lot since you met them?
- Is your behavior coming from a place of love and respect or jealousy and insecurity?
- Do you feel like you can’t stop thinking about them?
- Are you ignoring other important people in your life to focus on them?
- Does your mood swing wildly based on their actions or attitude toward you?
- Do you constantly replay past interactions with them in your head?
2. Understand why you’re obsessed
Being obsessed with someone doesn’t just happen out of the blue. There’s always an underlying factor at play. Self-diagnosing why you feel so obsessed can be challenging, and talking to a therapist or mental health professional is a great way to gain clarity.
Generally speaking, obsessing over someone usually comes from feelings of insecurity or a fear of abandonment. It can also come from wanting something you can’t have, such as unrequited love or an unfair situation. Here are a few other common reasons why you might become obsessed.
- Lack of self-esteem and confidence.
- Fear of being alone.
- Fear or rejection.
- Past trauma.
- Lust.
- Attachment disorders.
- Personality disorders.
3. Stay busy
One of the most effective ways to stop obsessing is redirecting your focus and energy elsewhere. Find a new hobby or activity you can throw yourself into, and it will take up some of the mental space previously dedicated to your obsession.
Exercise can also be incredibly effective for clearing your head and helping you process difficult emotions in a healthy way. Whether running, yoga or any other form of physical activity, moving your body can be a great distraction from obsessive thoughts.
4. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is about being present and aware of your thoughts and feelings in the moment. With practice, you can learn to observe your thoughts without emotion or judgment and get a fresh perspective on any situation.
Mindfulness can help you understand your obsessive thoughts and help you realize that you are in control of your life and emotions. There are many ways to practice mindfulness, and apps like Headspace and Waking Up provide guided sessions to get you started.
5. Set personal boundaries
If your obsession is causing you to act out in unhealthy ways, such as stalking or harassing someone, then it’s important to set strict boundaries for yourself. This means deciding on rules and regulations that you must adhere to keep your behavior under control. For example, you might decide you won’t contact the person unless they make the first move. Or, you might limit your interactions with them to once a week or even once a month.
6. Keep a journal
Journaling is a popular way to make sense of complex emotions and can be an excellent tool for exploring why you feel obsessed with someone. Writing down your thoughts and feelings each day can help you process them in a safe space without judgment or criticism. It can also provide insight into any underlying issues that might be causing your obsession and allow you to reflect on how your thoughts and behavior have changed (or improved) since the obsession began.
7. Develop a mantra
A mantra is a positive affirmation that you can use to break your mind out of its obsessive thought cycle. It’s a short phrase or statement you repeat to yourself when your thoughts spiral out of control.
Your mantra can be whatever you like, but the best ones focus on self-love and acceptance. Examples of mantras could include “I am in control of my life,” “I have worth and value,” or simply “Let go.” Each time you catch yourself obsessing, try repeating your mantra a few times; it will help bring you back to the present moment.
8. Reframe your thoughts
Cognitive reframing is a popular technique therapists use to help people make sense of their experiences and view them in a more positive light. It essentially involves changing the way you think about a particular situation or person so that it doesn’t cause as much distress.
For example, let’s say you’re having trouble coping with rejection. Instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough for them,” you might reframe that negative thought into, “We weren’t the right fit, but I’m still worthy of love and respect.”
It takes practice, but once you get the hang of it, cognitive reframing can be a great tool for shifting your mindset away from obsessive and negative thoughts.
9. Be realistic about their flaws
When you can’t stop obsessing over someone, you tend to ignore their flaws and put them on a pedestal. However, this quickly leads to a distorted view of reality where you replace their actual personality with an idealized version.
Reframing your thoughts to be realistic about someone’s flaws can help you gain perspective and move away from unrealistic expectations. Are they as perfect as you think they are? Would you really make such a great match?
10. Spend time with friends and family
Having a support network around you can make it much easier to manage obsessive thoughts and break the cycle. Spending time with people who genuinely care about you will remind you that life is so much more than one person and that you are worthy of love, attention, and respect no matter what.
11. Avoid social media
Social media can fuel obsessive thoughts by providing a constant stream of information about the person you like. Seeing photos, updates, and comments from them can make it hard to move on with your life, so try to limit your time online.
If necessary, unfollow or mute their accounts, so you’re not tempted to check up on them. It’s also a good idea to take a break from social media altogether or limit your overall usage if it disrupts your life.
12. Work on your self-esteem
Low self-esteem is at the core of many obsessions, so take steps to boost your self-confidence and learn to love yourself. Raising your self-esteem isn’t easy, so don’t be afraid to seek help from a professional if necessary.
You can start by getting your life together and developing healthy habits that make you feel good about yourself. Get plenty of exercise, eat well, and surround yourself with people who lift you up and make you feel valued. And above all, treat yourself with empathy and kindness.
13. Meet new people
Finding a new hobby or activity that allows you to meet interesting people can also help with an obsession. Having fun conversations, making friends, and learning about different perspectives can be invaluable for breaking the cycle of obsessive thoughts.
14. Try a change of scenery
Sometimes, all it takes is a change of scenery to break the cycle of negative thoughts. Whether it’s taking a vacation, going on an adventure, or just exploring your city in a new way, a break from the everyday routine can be refreshing and help you put things into perspective.
15. Consider therapy
Finally, don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you need it. Remember that you are not alone in this struggle; a therapist or psychologist can provide guidance and support to stop obsessing over someone. With patience, dedication, and a willingness to learn new techniques, you can learn to manage your obsessive thoughts and find peace of mind.
FAQs
Is obsessing over someone normal?
Short periods of obsessing over someone can be normal and are usually caused by love or lust. However, if your obsessive thoughts persist for weeks or months and start to interfere with your everyday life, it’s a sign that you need to take action and seek help.
How do I stop obsessing over someone?
The best way to stop obsessing over someone is to work on yourself. Spend time with supportive friends and family, practice cognitive reframing, boost your self-esteem, meet new people, and consider therapy. It is possible to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts with patience and dedication.
Why am I obsessing over someone I barely know?
If you’re obsessing over someone you barely know, it usually means that you’ve created an idealized fantasy version of them in your head. It’s essential to be realistic and understand that they aren’t who you think they are. If you can’t get to know them on a deeper level, focus on yourself and your own life.
