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Telling someone you love them for the first time is terrifying and exciting. You’re putting your heart on the line and being completely vulnerable, and you have no idea what the other person will say.
You hope they feel the same way and say it straight back, but what happens if they don’t? Perhaps they’re not sure of their feelings, or they don’t love you at all. Can your relationship survive if they flat-out reject you?
The good news is there are things you can do to make the experience less daunting and prepare yourself if things don’t go according to plan. Here’s how to tell someone you love them without feeling awkward or embarrassed.
1. Make sure you love them
It sounds obvious, but it’s important to be sure of your own feelings before you tell someone you love them. There’s no point in saying it if you’re not completely committed, as it will only make things more complicated down the line.
Once you’ve said the words, there’s no going back.
Make sure you don’t say “I love you” when you actually mean “I really like you.” A declaration of love might be sacred to your partner, and they’ll be deeply hurt when they realize your words don’t mean what they thought.
How do you know if you love someone?
If this is your first time telling someone you love them, it can be difficult to figure out if your feelings are genuine or not. Whether you might be mistaking real love for lust or infatuation is something to consider.
Lust means you feel an intense physical attraction to someone, but there isn’t any emotional connection. In other words, you’d rather have sex with them than have a conversation.
Infatuation is trickier to understand because there is an emotional connection. The difference is that you fixate on the person without getting to know them.
If you’ve ruled out lust and infatuation, all you can do is trust your gut. If the list below rings true to you, then congratulations – you’re almost certainly in love.
- You think about them all the time.
- They give you butterflies and make you buzz with excitement when you see them.
- The idea of being with anyone else seems crazy.
- You genuinely care about their happiness and want the best for them.
Related post: Am I in love? 49 signs it’s not just a crush
2. Don’t feel pressured to say it
If you’re not completely sure you love someone, it’s best to say nothing at all. If you say it when you don’t mean it, you’re being unfair to your partner and setting yourself up for a difficult conversation down the line.
Your partner deserves to hear those three little magic words when you truly mean them, so take your time and wait until you’re confident.
Even if your partner has already said “I love you,” it’s still your choice. Only you can decide when you are ready, and if you’re not sure about your feelings, you shouldn’t rush into it.
3. Write down what you want to say
If you’re nervous about expressing your feelings, an excellent first step is to write notes or a script of what you want to say beforehand. This will allow you to get the words out without stumbling over them or losing your train of thought.
Don’t read from the script when you say the words, but use it as a guide to help you put your feelings into words and be prepared to go off-script depending on how they react.
4. Examples of how to say I love you for the first time
There’s no right or wrong way to tell someone you love them for the first time, and you’ll know the right way for you based on your unique relationship.
However, here are a few examples of what you could say to give you some inspiration.
- “I know this might come as a surprise, but I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently, and I’ve realized that I’m falling in love with you. I know we haven’t been together for very long, but I feel like I can really be myself around you, and I want to see where this relationship can go. I hope you feel the same way.”
- “When I’m with you, I just feel so complete and happy. You make me feel like I can do anything, and I’m just so grateful for that. I think I might be falling in love with you.”
- “There’s no denying that our chemistry is really strong, and I enjoy spending time with you, but there’s something more than that. I’m starting to fall in love with you, and I just wanted to let you know how I feel.”
Notice that none of the above examples contain crazy declarations of undying love. There’s nothing about “I want to be with you forever” or “I love you more than life itself.”
Using the words “falling in love” softens the message and lets the other person know that your feelings are developing into love. Falling in love is a process that happens gradually, and it’s important not to bombard your partner with too much too soon.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with coming on strong and being very clear about your true feelings. However, if you’re not sure how they feel about you, it’s best to ease into things.
5. Don’t say it too soon
I fully believe that “love at first sight” is real, and I’m sure I’ve experienced it myself. However, even if you feel love almost instantly, I suggest you hold off telling them for a while.
If you tell someone you’ve known for two days that you love them, there’s a good chance you will come across as needy and desperate. Don’t be surprised if they start to pull away from you or they don’t take your feelings seriously.
Waiting a while will give your relationship time to develop, and it will also provide you with time to make sure that your feelings are real. It’s not uncommon for people to confuse infatuation with love, so give yourself plenty of time to be certain.
6. Don’t wait too long
Once you are sure you love someone, don’t wait too long to tell them. The stress will eat you up inside, and you’ll constantly be wondering, “what if?”
Maybe you’re waiting because you’re too shy or embarrassed to tell them. Or perhaps you’re scared the person won’t say it back.
Whatever the reason, waiting a long time will make it more complicated and more awkward to say the words. Your partner might even start to think you’re not interested in them or don’t care about the relationship.
Please don’t make them guess how you feel or wonder where they stand with you. Be brave and tell them exactly how you feel.
How long should you wait before saying “I love you”?
There’s no set timeframe for when you should say “I love you,” but a general rule is to wait at least three months before saying it out loud. This gives you time to really get to know each other and make sure your feelings are genuine.
This study conducted by eHarmony in Britain shows that, on average, people wait around 3.5 months before they say “I love you.”
Of course, every relationship is entirely different, and you may find that you’re both comfortable saying it to each other after only a short time. There’s no right or wrong answer, and you should go with your gut feeling.
Related post: How long should you wait before saying I love you?
7. Choose the right moment
The best time to say “I love you” is when you’re both alone, relaxed, and in a good mood. Choose a quiet place with no other distractions, and make sure you have plenty of time alone. You need your partner’s full attention so that they can focus on your words and really understand how you feel.
If they feel the same way and say it back to you, then you’re in the perfect place to enjoy a fantastic relationship milestone together. And if they don’t say it back, you have the privacy and time to talk about what it means for your relationship.
8. Don’t say it when you’re emotional
It’s a bad idea to tell someone you love them during times of high stress or emotion. Two obvious examples of bad timing are when you’re having an argument or having sex.
Telling someone you love them for the first time during a big fight is emotionally manipulative – especially if you use love as a weapon to try and win the argument. It might make them feel guilty or force them to give in, but it will damage your relationship in the long run.
It might also seem like a great idea to tell them when you’re having sex, but I’m afraid I have to disagree. Sex is a time of high emotion, and it might make your partner feel like they have to say it back before they’ve had a chance to think.
9. Do it privately
Saying “I love you” to your romantic partner is one of the most intimate moments of your entire relationship, and it should be a private moment that you share with them alone.
You’re about to share your vulnerability and most profound feelings with them, and having an audience adds extra stress you don’t need. It will also distract them from giving you their full attention and make the moment seem less special. Your partner might also feel more pressure to say it back when there’s a crowd of onlookers, which isn’t fair to them.
10. Don’t make a huge spectacle
There’s a lot of advice online suggesting creative ways to say “I love you.” Everything from writing the words in giant letters on a beach to hiring a skywriter to tell the world how you feel.
I understand that some people enjoy grand declarations of love, but I would keep things simple the first time you tell someone you love them. When you don’t know how the other person will respond, it’s best to keep things casual and private and give you both a chance to process your feelings.
11. Say it like you mean it
Telling someone you love them for the first time comes with many risks. You’re worried they will reject you, or you won’t be able to find the right words and make a fool of yourself. If you get rejected, it will also feel like your relationship is suddenly unbalanced because they have emotional power over you.
If you genuinely love them, you need to look past your fear of rejection and have the courage to tell them how you feel. Look your partner in the eyes, take a deep breath, and say it like you mean it. Be ready to stand behind your words and tell them why you love them.
Telling someone you love them takes real courage, and there’s no reason to feel embarrassed. You’re telling your truth, and whatever the other person says in response doesn’t diminish your feelings.
12. Try to stay relaxed
Staying relaxed is easier said than done, but it will help the conversation flow smoothly and make things less awkward.
If you’re feeling nervous, take a few deep breaths and focus on the fact that you’re about to share your deepest feelings with the person you love. Ensure you’re facing them directly, and keep your body language open. And try to smile, even if it’s a nervous smile.
More importantly, try to stay calm if you don’t get the response you want. Getting defensive or upset will only make things more difficult, and you need to be relaxed enough to talk through your feelings maturely.
13. Respect their personal space
Give your partner a little bit of personal space when you say “I love you” for the first time. Some breathing room will make them feel more comfortable and allow them to respond in their own way without feeling pressured.
Obviously, you don’t want to be on the other side of the room, but try to put a few inches of distance between you when you say it. Your partner might feel physically and emotionally trapped if you’re holding onto them too tight at such an emotional moment.
14. Be prepared for anything
When you tell someone you love them for the first time, be prepared for any response. They might feel the same way and say it back right away, or they might not be ready and need some time to figure out their feelings.
Whatever happens, try to stay calm and respond appropriately to the situation. Whatever they say or do, they are still the person you love, and nothing can change that. Just take things one step at a time, and remember that it’s a huge step forward in your relationship.
15. Don’t overthink it
It’s easy to get caught up in your head and overthink things when you’re about to say “I love you” for the first time. But try not to overthink it too much, or you might start second-guessing yourself and get even more nervous.
If you’ve written down your feelings and planned what you’re going to say, take a deep breath and let the words come out. It might not be perfect, but that’s okay. The most important thing is telling your partner how you feel from the heart.
16. Learn their love language
Learning your partner’s love language might give you some clues about the best way to tell them you love them. Gary Chapman first introduced the concept of love languages, and it’s a helpful way to understand how people express their love for others. There are five love languages in total, and they are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
For example, if your partner’s primary love language is words of affirmation, they will appreciate hearing you say “I love you” more than anything else. But if their love language is physical touch, a hug or a kiss might be more meaningful to them.
17. Write them a love letter
If you’re nervous about telling someone you love them in person, you could consider writing them a love letter.
A love note written in your handwriting is beautifully personal and a great way to carefully articulate your feelings. It’s even OK to give them the message and stay with them while they read it. That way, you can see their response (and laugh at the fact you were too nervous to say the words).
You might feel like you’re back in the schoolyard, but I think most people will find it sweet. I still have a note an old boyfriend wrote me years ago, and it’s a beautiful keepsake.
Also, text messages are fine if you’re trying to flirt, but I think it might come across as insincere if you tell someone you love them for the first time over text.
18. Don’t pressure them to say it back
It’s great that you’re ready to tell someone you love them, but that doesn’t mean they will be prepared to say it back.
Try to make your partner feel completely comfortable not saying it back. If they’re not ready, this is the best and only way to make sure you don’t push them away further.
People fall in love at different speeds and in different ways, and they’ll say it back if and when they’re ready. Maybe they’ve been in love before, and they haven’t yet felt the familiar signs. Or perhaps they’ve had negative past experiences and are more cautious about saying the words.
19. Say it for the right reasons
Saying “I love you” should be a natural outpouring of emotion, not a manipulative tactic, so don’t ever tell someone you love them as a way to test their feelings.
Maybe you’re questioning their level of commitment, or you feel the relationship isn’t moving forward fast enough. Or perhaps you’re worried they will break up with you, and you think saying “I love you” will make them stay. It won’t work, and it will just make them feel used and resentful.
What happens if they say it back?
If you tell someone you love them, and they say it back, are you ready for what comes next? “I love you” might only be three little words, but an incredible amount of power and emotion stands behind them.
Declaring your love for someone tells them that you’re committed and ready to take things to the next level. It also likely means a new level of compromise as your lives become more and more connected. These are all beautiful things to look forward to, but you need to be ready to let them into your life.
What happens if they don’t say it back?
Love isn’t a competition, and it’s not the end of the world if the other person doesn’t say “I love you” back. You should feel proud that you dared to put your feelings on the line, and you should never regret telling someone how you feel.
Take the opportunity to talk about the status of your relationship and try to understand where they’re coming from. If you feel like things are still going well, reassure them that you have no expectations and that you still want to be with them.
It’s also OK to give yourself some space if you need it. You might want to take some time to reflect and think about your own feelings. Remember that relationships are about growth and change, so this could be an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and what you really want.
Final thoughts
Telling someone you love them for the first time is stressful, but it also should be a joyful moment. You’re taking the next step into a deeper, more meaningful relationship with someone.
Think about what you want to say, pick the right moment, and try to relax and enjoy the ride. If your partner is ready to say it back, it will be an amazing moment you’ll never forget. And if they’re not, don’t worry – everyone falls in love at their own pace.
