This post may include affiliate links to products we think you'll find useful. We may earn a small commission if you buy through these links. Read our affiliate disclosure.
The word masochist is commonly used to describe someone who gets sexual pleasure out of pain.
But an emotional masochist is someone who intentionally puts themselves in emotional and social situations that are self-destructive or painful.
Emotional masochists are drawn to negativity, drama, and unhappiness because feeling happy and contented makes them feel bored or guilty. They also often think that they’re unworthy of success or happiness which feeds their need to punish themselves.
Everyone has a slight tendency towards self-destructive behavior at times. But if you see a lot of these behaviors in your personality, it might be time to deal with your masochistic tendencies.
1. You sabotage your own happiness & success
An emotional masochist will always find a way to sabotage their own happiness & success.
You might be on the verge of a fantastic accomplishment, but then you’ll do something to deliberately screw it up.
Or maybe you’re in a great relationship, but you find a way to mess it up by cheating or constantly starting arguments for no reason.
Any glimmer of happiness or success needs to be quickly snuffed out because you don’t believe you deserve it.
Related article: How to love yourself: 23 simple rules
2. You say no to opportunities that will make you happy
If a fantastic opportunity comes your way that would make you happy, a masochist will find a way to say no.
Maybe you’ve been offered a massive promotion at work that would advance your career. Instead of being proud and excited, you convince yourself that you’re not good enough and turn it down.
Or perhaps you have the chance to travel the world and see new places. You know it would be the opportunity of a lifetime, but you convince yourself it’s too risky and stay in your comfort zone.
3. You constantly criticize yourself
Nothing you do is ever good enough, and you have an internal monolog that constantly criticizes everything about yourself.
You’re never happy with your appearance, and you think everyone judges you for the way you look.
The voice in your head is putting you down for every little mistake you make. You criticize your own driving, cooking, and even how you breathe.
Even if you’re very successful at school or your job, you find a way to chastise yourself for not working hard enough or not completing every project or assignment perfectly.
4. You hold yourself to an impossible standard
An emotional masochist holds themselves to an impossible standard, and they’re never happy with what they’ve accomplished.
You always feel like you should have done better, even if it’s something as trivial as folding the laundry or making a bed.
5. You feel guilty about things that make you happy
One of the most common signs of masochism is guilt. You might feel guilty for enjoying your life, being happy, or having success.
Maybe you had a great day at work, and you come home feeling really good about yourself. But then, all night long, you torture yourself with thoughts like, “I shouldn’t be so happy when people are starving in Africa.”
Whatever happiness comes into your life, you’ll find a way to make yourself feel guilty for it.
Related article: Why am I so unhappy? 24 reasons (and how to change)
6. You can’t handle compliments or praise
If someone pays you a compliment, you immediately brush it off or find a way to downplay it.
Receiving compliments or praise would imply that you’re actually good at something, and a masochist can’t handle that idea.
You could never have worked hard enough or suffered enough to have achieved anything worthy of praise.
7. You enjoy negative attention
An emotional masochist thrives on negative attention because it reinforces their love of drama and pain.
You enjoy being in the middle of controversy, and you’re constantly starting fights with your friends and family members. Even if you know you’re in the wrong, you’ll still stubbornly refuse to back down.
Social media is also an excellent outlet for masochistic people to get their fix of negative attention. You post provocative or argumentative statuses just to get a reaction from people and fan the flames to keep the toxic drama going.
8. You work yourself to the point of pain and exhaustion
Unless you’re on the edge of pain and exhaustion, a masochist feels like they’re not working hard enough.
Feeling overwhelmed and stressed feels good because it reminds you that life is meant to be difficult and painful.
You frequently push yourself to the point of physical pain or emotional exhaustion at work and in the physical activities you “enjoy.”
At work, you might take on too many projects and end up working long hours into the night. In your free time, you might engage in extreme sports or physically demanding activities and put your body through a lot of pain.
9. You refuse to accept help or support from others
You’re not comfortable accepting kindness or assistance from other people, even if they’re offering it out of the goodness of their hearts.
It doesn’t matter if you need help with a task or struggling emotionally, you always try to do it all on your own.
You feel like asking for help is a sign of weakness, and you should be able to handle everything on your own.
10. You have a victim mentality
Having a victim mentality allows you to wallow in your own self-pity, reinforcing the idea that nothing good should ever happen in your life.
You love to tell stories about all the terrible things that have happened to you and how it’s never your fault. You’re always looking for sympathy and understanding from other people.
And forget about taking responsibility for your own life and trying to improve things. The last thing you want is to actually find happiness and be forced to give up your victim mentality.
11. You stay in relationships that are bad for you
It’s not uncommon for emotional masochists to seek out and stay in relationships that are bad for them.
Bad relationships are familiar and comfortable for a masochist because they know that their partner won’t treat them well. And that’s precisely what they need to feel validated.
In extreme cases, you might stay with someone who’s emotionally or physically abusive. Or, more commonly, you just stick around in a relationship way past its use-by date because you can’t imagine being worthy of a loving and caring partner.
12. You’re attracted to toxic people
Being around toxic people is a huge adrenaline rush for emotional masochists, and it’s the perfect way to get their fix of drama and pain.
You’re always drawn to relationships or friendships with emotionally unstable, manipulative, and selfish people. You might even enjoy playing the role of “rescuer” in these types of relationships.
Toxic people make you feel alive in a way that no one else can. You find yourself getting more and more addicted to their chaotic energy over time.
Related article: Why don’t people like me? 15 brutally honest reasons
13. You never see the good in anything
The ultimate goal of a masochist is to be as unhappy and miserable as possible.
You never see the good in anything because you believe that life is hard and nothing will ever go your way.
It’s easier for you to focus on the negative aspects of life instead of the positive because that feeds your need for pain and drama.
Final thoughts
If you identify with any of these behaviors, it’s important to seek help. A masochistic lifestyle is not healthy or sustainable in the long run.
Many resources are available to help you deal with your issues, including therapy, self-help groups, and online support communities. Don’t suffer alone – you can learn how to love yourself and find happiness.
