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You’ve been seeing this awesome guy, and you’re really starting to fall for him. He’s smart and funny, and you’re starting to daydream about a wonderful future together.
Unfortunately, there’s one big problem. It feels like he’s not really committed and doesn’t know what he wants.
It’s confusing and frustrating, and you can’t figure out what’s in his head. Is he unsure about his feelings for you? Does he have a fear of commitment?
Before your relationship can go anywhere, you need to know what’s going on. Here are 13 signs that he doesn’t know what he wants and what you should do about it.
1. He avoids labels
If you’ve been dating for a while and he refuses to call you his girlfriend, it’s a pretty big sign that he doesn’t know what he wants. Is there an awkward moment when he introduces you to people, and he’s not sure how to describe your relationship?
“This is my friend, uh, Kate. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months.”
Labels shouldn’t define a relationship, but they are a great way of indicating where you stand with someone. If he was committed to your relationship, he should have no problem calling you his girlfriend or partner.
2. He doesn’t expect much from you
Is he totally fine if you don’t text or call him for days at a time? Does he never get upset when you cancel plans or blow him off to spend time with your friends?
Respecting your time and encouraging your independence is a good thing, but only up to a point. If he wanted to be with you, he would make you a priority and try to spend as much time as possible with you.
Not expecting much from you in the way of time or attention is a way for him to keep your relationship as casual as possible. It gives him an excuse to stay emotionally distant and not get too invested in you and your life.
And if you accuse him of not being committed, he can quickly turn it around and say that he thought you were on the same page.
“I didn’t realize you wanted more from this relationship. You’re often busy with your own life, so I assumed you weren’t looking for anything serious.”
3. He won’t make future plans with you
If you’ve been together for a while, you might be starting to daydream about a future with him. Perhaps moving in together, getting engaged, or even having a family one day.
He might be okay with planning a trip next weekend, but what about next month? Or next year? Does he quickly change the subject whenever you try to make longer-term future plans together?
He might give you an excuse like he wants to “go with the flow,” but that’s all it is – a lame excuse. He would be excited to plan and think about a future together if he knew what he wanted. Making plans with someone shows that you’re investing in the relationship and committed to its long-term success.
4. He says he wants to ‘take things slow’
Every relationship moves at a different pace, and there’s no cause for concern if it’s taking him a little longer to open up to you. But if he’s constantly saying that he wants to “take things slow” or “not rush into anything,” it might be a sign that he doesn’t know what he wants.
Other signs to watch out for include keeping you isolated from his friends and family, refusing to make any decisions about the future, and putting limits on how often he sees you.
All of these things help to keep the relationship in a holding pattern where nothing really changes or moves forward. He can continue to string you along without having to make any real commitment.
5. He tries to change you
If he likes to give you advice on what to wear, how to act, or who to hang out with, it’s a sign that he doesn’t fully accept you for who you are. He may be trying to change you into someone he thinks would be a better match for him.
He might say things like, “I just think you’d look so much nicer if you wore your hair differently,” or “I don’t see why you need to spend so much time with your friends. They’re not good for you.”
A healthy relationship requires trust, mutual respect, and accepting each other’s quirks and differences. It might seem harmless advice initially, but this behavior is manipulative, and you should not tolerate it.
6. It feels one-sided
Do you feel like you’re the only one trying to make things work and push the relationship forward? It’s okay to take the lead sometimes, but a relationship needs to feel like a two-way street with plenty of give and take.
Perhaps you’re always the one who has to initiate contact, plan dates, and make sure he’s having a good time. Would you ever even see him if you didn’t text him first?
Even worse, maybe it’s always up to you to call out problems in the relationship and initiate conversations about “where this is going.” There’s nothing worse than always feeling like the nag in a relationship.
7. He blows hot & cold
Giving you mixed signals is a classic sign that a guy doesn’t know what he wants. One day he’s loving and affectionate, and the next day he’s cold and distant or blows you off altogether. Whenever you text or call him, you never know what version you’ll get, and half the time, you feel like a nuisance for even disturbing him.
Obviously, he doesn’t know how he feels about you, and he’s incapable of sorting through his emotions and figuring out what he wants. It’s confusing and frustrating, but you can be sure of one thing – he’s not ready for a serious relationship.
It’s essential to communicate clearly with your partner, which means being honest about your feelings. No matter his reason for acting hot and cold, you deserve to be with someone emotionally available and capable of giving you stability and consistency.
8. He’s emotionally unavailable
A guy who doesn’t know what he wants can appear emotionally unavailable because he’s holding himself back from getting too attached.
For example, he might shut down when you try to talk about your relationship and seem to have one foot out the door whenever things get tough. Or, he might refuse to talk about his feelings and get evasive and avoidant when you try to get to know him on a deeper level.
Keep in mind that emotional unavailability can also be a sign of other underlying issues, such as unresolved trauma, fear of rejection, or fear of intimacy. But whatever his reason, it takes both partners being emotionally present to make a relationship work.
9. He flirts with other women
A bit of harmless flirting is fine, but a committed guy will make sure other women know he’s off the market. He’s confident in his relationship and doesn’t need to seek validation from anyone else.
On the other hand, a guy still trying to figure things out might use flirting as a way to keep his options open. Flirting gives him the attention and ego boost he craves because he’s not ready to commit.
It might seem harmless at first, but constant flirting can gradually erode your trust in him and make you feel like you’re not the only woman in his life.
10. He won’t get close to your friends and family
A guy who is serious about you will want to get to know your loved ones and become part of your inner circle. But a guy who doesn’t know what he wants will often avoid getting too close to the people you love.
Why? Because the more he becomes entwined in all the different aspects of your life, the more stressful it will be to walk away when he decides he doesn’t want a future with you.
11. He avoids deep conversations with you
Have you noticed that your man avoids conversations that require him to be vulnerable? Does he stick safely to small talk and surface-level topics?
A vital part of any close relationship is having deep, meaningful conversations with each other. You want to know what makes your man tick and what he thinks about life, love, and the big questions in life.
Even more importantly, you want to know how he feels about you and his hopes and dreams for your relationship. You’re not asking him to marry you (yet), but it would be nice to hear that he truly cares and sees a future with you.
12. He’s still hung up on his ex
It’s normal to have a few lingering thoughts about an ex now and then, but if your man is still obsessing over his last relationship, it’s a red flag that he might not be ready for something new.
In some cases, a guy might hold onto feelings of regret or sadness because he didn’t get closure from his previous relationship. Or, he might be afraid to fully commit to you because he’s worried about getting hurt again.
13. He’s told you (but you’re not listening)
You should take him at his word if he’s told you outright that he doesn’t want a serious relationship. It’s easy to ignore what’s in front of your face hoping things will change, but how likely is that to happen?
If you’re not on the same page, it’s important to respect his wishes and move on. Trying to force him into something he doesn’t want will only lead to resentment and heartache in the long run.
The secret weapon to make him obsessed with you
All men feel a powerful urge to compete. It comes from ancient times when every day was a fight for survival to protect their tribe and provide for their families.
The stakes are much lower today, but the competitive urge remains deeply rooted in male biology. Instead of fighting saber-toothed tigers, men channel their competitive energy into work, fitness, acquiring wealth, or earning the respect of their peers.
Imagine if you could harness all this competitive energy and make a man obsessed with winning your love?
You can. And all you need to do is trigger a biological switch inside him that will make him see you as the ultimate prize.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls this switch the “hero instinct,” and it explains why some women have men falling all over them while others struggle to find lasting love.
Triggering a man’s hero instinct taps into his competitive spirit and makes him see your relationship as an opportunity to prove himself as a man. Making you happy gives him purpose and a “game” to win.
Instead of you chasing him, he will jump through hoops to impress you and win your approval. In a matter of days, he’ll become more protective, committed, and attracted to you than you ever dreamed possible.
And the best part is that you can do all this without playing hard to get or acting like a damsel in distress.
This free video presentation from James Bauer will show you exactly what to say, what texts to send, and what to ask your man to trigger his hero instinct and make him utterly obsessed with you.
It sounds almost too good to be true, but it’s the real deal. James’ techniques use simple yet powerful psychology to help you tap into the deepest desires that all men feel.
What to do when dating a guy who doesn’t know what he wants
If you’re looking for a serious, committed relationship, you don’t have time to play games with a guy who isn’t sure what he wants. The inconsistency will drive you crazy, and every day you wait is another day wasted.
But if you’ve already caught feelings for him, it can be tough just to walk away. Here’s what to do if you’re dating a guy who doesn’t know what he wants.
1. Consider how long you’ve been with him
Before you kick him to the curb, how long have you actually been dating? If it’s only been a few weeks or months, it’s possible that he just needs more time to figure out his feelings.
It can take a year or more to really get to know someone and figure out whether you want a future with them. If things have been going well otherwise, it might be worth giving him a little more time to come to a decision.
However, that doesn’t mean you can’t start discussing your long-term goals and figuring out if you’re on the same page. If you want to have a family and he has no interest in being a father, then it’s best to know that now rather than waste your time hoping he’ll change his mind.
2. Figure out what you want
Take a step back and figure out what you actually want. What are your goals and dreams in life? What kind of relationship are you looking for?
You don’t have to have all the answers, but the more you know about what you want, the easier it will be to figure out if your goals will be compatible in the long term.
3. Talk about your relationship goals
Once you know what you want, it’s time to sit down with him and have a serious conversation about your relationship goals.
Be honest about your feelings and explain what you’re looking for in a relationship. If you’re looking for commitment, tell him outright what you need to feel fulfilled.
And in turn, gently push him to open up and tell you what he wants (even if it makes him uncomfortable). If he still can’t give you an answer, you can start thinking about how long you’re willing to wait for him to figure it out.
When you’re talking to him, avoid making demands or ultimatums. This will only make him feel pressured and force him to dig his heels in more. Instead, try to be understanding and explain that you’re just trying to figure out where things stand.
4. Talk about your life goals
In addition to your relationship goals, discuss your life goals as well. What do you want to achieve in the next five years? In the next ten years?
This conversation will help you understand how compatible you are and whether you have any chance of building a future together. Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader and support system, so you must be on board with each other’s plans.
5. Acknowledge his fears
There are many reasons why he might not be ready for a serious relationship. Maybe he’s scared of getting hurt or tied down, or he’s still figuring out his life goals.
Whatever the reason, it’s essential to understand where he’s coming from and what’s holding him back. If you acknowledge and empathize with his fears, it will be easier to have a productive conversation about what he wants and where things are going.
6. Set a time limit
Set a time limit and give him a deadline to figure out what he wants. It’s your life, and you don’t have to wait forever for him to make up his mind.
Depending on the situation, this might be two weeks or a year but set a concrete goal so you both have the motivation to keep your relationship moving forward. For example, you might set the goal of moving in together to show that you’re serious about the relationship.
If you get to the deadline and nothing has changed, you’ll finally know for sure that he’s not the guy for you.
7. Make him fight for you
If he doesn’t know what he wants, chances are you’re the one doing all the chasing. Because he doesn’t want to get too involved, it’s up to you to text him, plan fun dates, and keep the relationship going.
Have you thought about making him chase you for a change? A lot of guys love the thrill of the chase, and backing off a little might be exactly what you need to remind him what he’s got to lose. It will give him a chance to miss you and contemplate a life without you in it.
So how do you make him chase you? Just be less available. Don’t always respond to his texts immediately, act busy when calls, and make sure you have a life outside your relationship.
It might seem counterintuitive, but making him work a little harder for your attention can make a huge difference to his level of commitment. Just remember that it’s a fine balance, and you don’t want to play games or lead him on. He’ll quickly pull away if he feels manipulated or completely ignored.
8. Prepare for the worst
When you put your cards on the table, there’s always a chance he will tell you he doesn’t want the same things as you. It might be painful to hear, but it’s better to know now than waste your time chasing something that will never happen.
Prepare yourself mentally for the possibility that he might not want a future with you, and be ready to walk away if that’s what he decides. It won’t be easy, but it’s better than spending your life waiting for something that will never happen.
9. Don’t stay with him for the wrong reasons
The worst thing you can do is stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Maybe you’re afraid of being alone, or you think he might change his mind if you give him enough time.
Don’t make excuses for him or try to rationalize his behavior. If he doesn’t want the same things as you, he’s not worth your time. Life is short, so don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
Why doesn’t a guy know what he wants?
Another big question remains. Why doesn’t he know what he wants? Here are some possibilities to consider.
1. He’s scared of commitment
There are several reasons why he might be scared of commitment:
- He’s been badly hurt in the past and has trust issues. This can make it difficult for him to get close to someone new.
- He’s afraid he’s not good enough for you. This comes from a place of low self-esteem and can be difficult to overcome.
- He doesn’t want to stop playing the field and is afraid of missing out on other opportunities.
2. He’s not over his ex
If he’s still not over his ex, he might be using you as a rebound. Just be aware that rebound relationships often don’t last, and he won’t be able to give you the commitment you deserve until he’s fully healed from his breakup.
3. He’s scared of intimacy
Some guys have a fear of intimacy and being vulnerable. This might be due to childhood experiences or a bad experience in a previous relationship.
It is difficult to build a successful relationship with someone who’s afraid of intimacy, but it’s not impossible. If you’re patient and understanding, you might be able to help him overcome his fears.
4. He’s unsure of his feelings for you
He might be questioning whether you’re compatible or whether he’s truly in love with you. If you’ve been together for over a year, he should really know how he feels by now.
5. He’s going through a tough time
Personal issues can be a huge distraction and make it difficult for him to focus on anything else. If he’s dealing with a death in the family, financial problems, or other stressful life events, it’s understandable why he might not be able to commit to you right now.
