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Lying by omission is withholding information from someone you know would be important to them. It’s different from telling an outright lie because you’re choosing to withhold the entire truth rather than say something untrue.
For example, imagine your partner asking you if you had a good day at work. You had a great day at work, including lunch with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend you haven’t seen in years. However, you know your spouse is jealous of your ex, so you don’t mention the lunch at all.
Some people view examples like this as “white lies” because they are designed to spare someone’s feelings. However, lying by omission can still damage relationships because it creates an atmosphere of distrust and secrecy. For a relationship to be healthy, both parties need to trust and rely on each other. If your spouse finds out that you had lunch with your ex, they will feel betrayed that you didn’t tell them, and they may also begin to wonder what else you’re keeping from them.
Why do people lie by omission?
Experiments have shown that people are much more willing to lie by omission than to tell an outright lie. It somehow doesn’t feel as ethically wrong to withhold information as it does to tell a direct lie, and it’s easier to convince yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong.
However, the same research also shows that people on the receiving end of lies by omission feel just as betrayed as if they had been lied to directly. When the lie by omission is revealed, they react the same way and feel just as upset, offended, and hurt.
Here are the main reasons why people lie by omission.
1. To protect someone else’s feelings
Lying by omission is often done to protect someone’s feelings. In the example above, the person lied by omission because they didn’t want to hurt their spouse’s feelings.
However, as I’ve discussed, this doesn’t always work out as you expect. In many cases, the person you’re trying to protect feels just as hurt by the lie of omission as they would if you had told them the truth.
If you’re considering lying by omission to spare someone’s feelings, ask yourself whether you would rather they heard it from you or found out from someone else. In most cases, it’s better to be honest with someone, even if it potentially hurts their feelings.
2. To protect your feelings
Even if you tell yourself that you’re lying by omission to protect someone else’s feelings, it’s often more about protecting yourself. Perhaps you’re trying to avoid the stress of delivering bad news, or maybe you’re trying to buy time and hoping the issue will go away on its own.
For example, if you lose your job, you may avoid telling your partner because you feel embarrassed and don’t want to admit that you got fired for doing a poor job. You may also hope to find another job before they find out, so you don’t have to deal with their disappointment.
It’s natural to want to avoid stressful or difficult conversations, but often you’re only prolonging the inevitable and making things worse in the long run.
3. To avoid conflict & consequences
In many cases, people lie by omission to avoid the potential negative consequences of telling the truth. You might know that coming clean will force you to take personal responsibility for your actions in some way that will hurt you. Or maybe you’re worried about the damage your reputation will suffer if certain information gets out.
In our earlier example of lying to your partner about having lunch with your ex, was it really about sparing your partner’s feelings? Or were you more concerned about avoiding the conflict you know would ensue if you told the whole truth?
4. To subtly manipulate facts
Some lies of omission are designed to intentionally deceive and help the liar achieve their goal. In many cases, it’s harder to get caught because the person lying is just omitting certain information to subtly manipulate the facts.
There are many ways that lying by omission can subtly manipulate the facts to make them more favorable to you. For example, you might leave out key details that would make your actions look bad or make it seem like you’re more successful than you actually are.
Amazingly, lying by omission can even alter the memories of people present during an event. If you consistently retell a story highlighting some parts and omitting others, over time, the people involved will start to believe your version of events rather than what actually happened. They gradually forget the details you overlook, and your interpretation of events becomes their reality.
Is lying by omission really lying?
On the surface, it may not seem like lying by omission is really lying. After all, you’re not explicitly telling a lie; you’re just leaving out certain information. A lie by omission can even pass a lie detector test because you’re technically not lying about anything.
So when is lying by omission as bad as directly lying?
When it comes to close friendships and romantic partners, lying by omission is just as bad as telling a direct lie if you withhold information that will affect your loved one somehow. This is because close relationships have a certain expectation of trust, respect, and responsibility.
For example, if you use a secret credit card to make purchases without your spouse’s knowledge, that’s lying by omission. You may not explicitly lie about the credit card or the purchases, but you are deceiving your spouse by not being honest about your financial situation. This is as bad as a direct lie because your finances affect your partner just as much as you.
On the other hand, it’s perfectly fine to tell a lie of omission to a co-worker or a complete stranger. We do it all the time. For example, when somebody asks us how we are, we usually just say “fine,” even if we’re having a terrible day. There’s no need to share all the gory details with somebody we don’t know, and there’s no harm in doing so.
Is lying by omission ever acceptable?
Based on the criteria above, a lie of omission can be acceptable if it does not affect the person you’re withholding information from and if there’s no chance of them being harmed by your deception.
But, if you intentionally deceive someone by leaving out details that change the accuracy or severity of information and cause them to make a different decision, that’s not an acceptable lie by omission.
For example, let’s say you have a nosy co-worker who asks personal questions you don’t feel comfortable answering. In this case, it would be perfectly acceptable to withhold certain information to protect your privacy.
In this case, some might argue that the best course of action is to ask your co-worker not to violate your boundaries. Of course, this is perfectly valid, but I also think it’s OK to avoid workplace conflict and choose to withhold the information.
How lying by omission affects relationships
Okay, now that we’ve established when lying by omission is and isn’t acceptable, let’s talk about how it can damage relationships.
1. It erodes trust & respect in your relationships
The biggest issue with lying by omission is that it erodes the trust and respect in your relationships. Remember that people on the receiving end of a lie of omission feel just as betrayed as if you had lied to them directly.
Once you’ve been caught in a lie of omission, your friends and loved ones will start to wonder what else you’re keeping from them. They’ll begin to question whether they can trust anything you say and assume that you’ll tell more lies in the future.
In romantic relationships, lying leads to all sorts of problems such as jealousy, insecurity, and resentment. The mental energy required to constantly question the truth is exhausting and can eventually lead to a complete breakdown of trust that destroys the relationship.
If you lie by omission, your loved ones will also see it as a complete lack of respect. After all, if you can’t even be honest, how much do you really value their feelings and well-being?
Once you lose your friends and family’s trust and respect, it’s tough to get it back. In some cases, the damage is irreparable.
2. It damages your physical & mental health
Not only does telling lies cause damage to other people, but it also takes a toll on your physical and mental health.
Constantly worrying about being caught in a lie of omission leads to a lot of stress. And in turn, stress is linked to all sorts of health problems such as heart disease, depression, anxiety, and digestive issues.
In addition, less honest people tend to have poorer sleep quality and are more likely to suffer from insomnia. This is because their mind is racing with everything they need to remember to keep their lies straight.
3. It leads to more lying
Even though lying by omission involves withholding facts rather than directly lying, it can still create a web of lies that’s very difficult to untangle. One lie of omission leads to another until you have to lie directly to keep your story straight.
For example, let’s say you neglect to tell a friend that you’re going to a party because you’re worried they will embarrass you. But then they see photos of you having fun at the party on social media and demand to know why you didn’t invite them. Now you’re forced to lie to them directly to avoid getting into an argument that could damage your friendship.
Also, the more you lie, the easier it becomes and the less guilty you feel about doing it. And once you’ve developed the habit of lying, it becomes an attractive solution for all sorts of problems in your life.
The bottom line is that lying by omission is a slippery slope that can quickly lead to more serious lies. And the further you go down that path, the more difficult it becomes to turn back.
4. It prevents open and honest communication
Lying prevents open and honest communication in relationships. Constantly withholding information or lying about your feelings and experiences creates a barrier between you and the people you care about.
It isn’t easy to have a close relationship with someone when you can’t be honest with them. And over time, the lack of communication can lead to distance and emotional disconnection. It also creates an uneven power dynamic where the person doing the lying has all the control.
5. It prevents problems from being solved
This lack of honest communication also prevents relationship problems from being solved. When you’re not open about your thoughts and feelings, it’s challenging to work through conflicts in a constructive way.
Instead, problems fester and grow until they eventually explode. And when that happens, the damage caused by the lies is often much worse than it would have been if you had just been honest from the beginning.
6. It’s selfish
At the end of the day, lying by omission to someone you love is almost always a selfish act. You’re withholding information from them to avoid an unpleasant situation for yourself.
And while it might seem like a harmless way to protect yourself, the truth is that it’s ultimately just another form of lying. And as we’ve seen, lying can have very serious consequences for you and the people you care about.
So the next time you’re tempted to withhold information from someone, think about the potential damage it could cause. It might be hard to tell the entire truth, but dealing with problems openly and honestly feels fantastic. It shows strength, not weakness, and it’s the best way to maintain healthy and happy relationships.
Lying by omission examples
- You neglect to tell your partner that you lost your job because you’re worried about their reaction.
- You don’t tell your friend you got a promotion because you’re afraid they’ll feel jealous or resentful.
- You don’t tell your family that you got into a car accident because you don’t want them to worry and think you’re a bad driver.
- You don’t tell your boss that you’re pregnant because you’re worried about how it will affect your career.
- You don’t tell your friend that you saw their partner cheating on them because you don’t want to get involved.
Quotes about lying by omission
- Lying is done with words and also with silence. – Adrienne Rick
- When lying and omission become part of your character, you lose integrity and the trust you once had from others. – Theodore Walter Fedorchak
- Omission is the most powerful form of lie. – George Orwell
- Half a truth is often a great lie. – Benjamin Franklin
- A withhold is a lie. – Iyanla Vanzant
- When the truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie. – Yevgeny Yevtushenko
