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If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you think your boyfriend might be gay. No doubt you’re also feeling pretty confused and wondering how to deal with the situation.
It’s a very sensitive situation to deal with, and you need to make sure you respect his feelings. But at the same time, you can’t just ignore your suspicions. If they turn out to be true, it will have a huge impact on your relationship. So how can you tell if your boyfriend is gay?
Signs your boyfriend is gay
If you see any of the signs below, your boyfriend may be gay. But remember, these are just indicators and not concrete evidence. The only way to know for sure is to ask him directly.
1. He flirts with men
Some guys are just really friendly and touchy-feely with everyone, so this one can be tricky. But if your boyfriend is particularly flirty with other men, it could be a sign that he’s interested in guys.
Does he take every opportunity to touch or hug other guys? Does he make a lot of eye contact and smile at them more than necessary? You can learn a lot from studying his body language and comparing it to how he acts around women.
2. He watches gay porn
If your boyfriend watches a lot of gay porn, there’s a good chance he’s sexually interested in men. He might not be fully gay, but he’s obviously curious enough to check it out on a regular basis. After all, most heterosexual guys have no interest in watching any porn unless there’s a woman involved.
If your boyfriend is trying to hide his sexuality from you, it’s doubtful that he’ll openly watch gay porn while you’re around. The only way you’ll know is to look at his search history, which is a pretty big invasion of his privacy.
How does he react if you offer to watch gay porn with him? Is he excited, nervous, or maybe even defensive? If he freaks out at the idea, it could be because he’s worried that you’ll find out how much he likes it.
3. He’s been with men before
If he’s been in relationships or hooked up with men in the past, it’s a pretty big indicator that he’s gay or bisexual. However, plenty of guys have had experiences with other men but still identify as straight. If this is the case for your boyfriend, he might just be exploring his sexuality.
The only way you’ll know is to have a conversation with him to understand how he feels. Hopefully, he’ll be open to talking about his past encounters with men, but don’t pressure him to talk about his past if you sense that he’s uncomfortable. The only relevant thing is how he feels now and what he wants in the future.
4. He makes ‘jokes’ about hot guys
There’s no doubt that men notice other attractive men, but most heterosexual guys will keep the thought to themselves. If your boyfriend openly talks about other hot guys, he could be trying to cover for the fact that he is actually attracted to them.
Perhaps he makes a lot of ‘jokes’ about how good-looking other men are, or maybe he even goes as far as to say things like, “I would totally do him.”
If you hear this kind of comment a lot, he might be attempting to normalize his homosexual thoughts by making them seem like nothing more than a joke. Watch the way he acts when he talks about other hot men. Does he really seem like he’s joking, or does it feel like there might be some hidden truth behind his banter?
5. He never checks out hot women
Every straight guy does a double-take when he sees a hot girl walking down the street. It’s a subconscious reaction that’s wired into the male DNA. It doesn’t matter if he’s in a loving relationship and would never cheat in a million years; he still can’t help but look.
Notice the way your man acts when he sees attractive women. Does he ever give them an extra-long look out of the corner of his eye? Or perhaps subtly nod to his buddy in mutual appreciation of the female form? If he always seems completely oblivious when a supermodel walks past, it could be because he simply isn’t interested in women that way.
It’s true that some men are just naturally more loyal and focused on their partner than others. But if you’ve been together for a while and he’s never once looked at another woman, it might be time to consider his sexuality.
6. He’s homophobic
It sounds counterintuitive, but some gay or bisexual men will express homophobic sentiments. It’s a way of deflecting suspicion off of themselves and making it seem like they could never be interested in other men.
Listen to the way your boyfriend talks about homosexuality. Does he use hostile or insulting words to describe gay men? Does he make jokes about being gay that cross the line from good-natured teasing into offensive territory? If so, it might be because he’s secretly struggling with his own sexuality.
Of course, there are plenty of heterosexual guys who use homophobic language as well. But if you notice that he only does it when other men are around, it could be another sign that he’s hiding his true orientation.
7. He’s not interested in sleeping with you
There are lots of reasons why your boyfriend might not want to have sex that doesn’t involve him being secretly gay. Maybe he’s just going through a stressful time and has temporarily lost his libido. But in general, most boyfriends will jump at the chance to have sex if you even look at them sideways.
If there’s been a sudden change in your boyfriend’s sex drive, it probably doesn’t have anything to do with his sexuality. Give him a few weeks, and he’ll be back in the saddle.
But if he’s always seemed uninterested in sex, or like he doesn’t enjoy having sex with you, then it might be cause for concern. How often do you initiate sex versus him? Does he seem like he rushes through it or always wants to turn the lights off whenever you get intimate?
All you can do in this situation is have an honest conversation about how you feel. Let him know that you’re craving more intimacy and he’s not meeting your needs and see how he reacts.
8. His true feelings come out when he gets drunk
If your boyfriend lets down his guard and becomes more open about his true feelings when he’s had a few drinks, it could be because he’s afraid to express himself sober. Pay attention to the way he acts when he’s been drinking. Does he talk more openly about his sexuality? Does he flirt with other men or make sexual comments that he wouldn’t dream of making sober? If so, he may be using alcohol as a way to let his true self out.
9. He fixates on people’s sexuality
Does your boyfriend seem overly obsessed with other people’s sexuality? Does he always want to know who is gay and who is straight? Does he ask personal questions about people’s sex lives or make assumptions about their bedroom habits? If so, it might be because he’s trying to figure out his own sexuality by learning more about other people.
10. His fantasies involve men
A of heterosexual men have sexual fantasies involving other men, and it doesn’t mean they are gay. But if a lot of your boyfriend’s fantasies involve other men, it’s definitely something to think about. Perhaps he’s fixated on a particular male celebrity or athlete, or he fantasizes about having sex with you and several other guys.
If you’re open to discussing your fantasies with each other, help him explore what he’s really interested in. It could be that he’s curious about exploring his bisexuality with you, or maybe he just has a thing for group sex.
11. He prefers the attention of men to women
Does your boyfriend seem more excited or turned on when a guy shows interest in him than when a girl does? Does he get more flustered and tongue-tied around men than women? It could be because he’s secretly attracted to men and doesn’t know how to deal with those feelings.
12. He has a lot of gay friends
People tend to associate with others who share similar interests and values. So if your boyfriend has a lot of gay friends, it could be because he’s subconsciously trying to surround himself with people like him.
Of course, plenty of straight guys have gay friends as well. But if it seems like the majority of his social circle is gay, it could be a sign that he’s struggling with his own sexuality.
13. He has a gay dating app on his phone
Even if he hasn’t actually used the app to hook up with guys, he’s obviously curious and may be thinking about doing so in the future. Keep in mind that having a dating app on his phone doesn’t mean he’s cheating on you, but you deserve to know if he’s actively looking for other guys.
False signs your boyfriend is gay
It’s just as important to understand all the signals that could mistakenly lead you to believe your boyfriend is gay. Here are some of the issues and stereotypes about gay men that you can safely ignore.
14. He cares about his appearance & grooming
The stereotype of the neat, well-dressed gay man is ridiculous at this point. Gay guys come in as many different styles and personalities as straight guys do. So don’t assume that your boyfriend is gay just because he likes to dress well or take care of his appearance.
15. He sounds gay
You might have heard that gay men often speak with a lisp, but this stereotype is completely untrue. While some gay men do speak with a lisp, plenty of straight guys do as well. So don’t assume that your boyfriend’s speech patterns mean anything about his sexuality.
16. He has feminine mannerisms
People move and speak in all sorts of different ways, and there’s no one right way for a man to act. Don’t assume that your boyfriend is gay just because he has what you consider to be feminine mannerisms.
17. He’s sensitive and emotional
Sensitivity and emotionality aren’t exclusive to one gender or sexuality. If your boyfriend cries during sad movies or gets upset about issues that are important to him, it doesn’t mean he’s gay. He could just be in touch with his emotions.
What to do if you think your boyfriend is gay
Okay, so you’ve noticed some of these signs that your boyfriend might be gay. Now what?
1. Have an honest conversation
Building a successful relationship is about being willing to have challenging conversations with your partner. If you’re feeling upset or worried, tell him why. It’s possible he’s been wanting to have this conversation with you but hasn’t had the courage to bring it up.
Even though you may have seen many of the behaviors on this list, don’t throw them in his face as a list of ‘evidence’ that he’s secretly gay. Instead, gently raise the question of sexuality and encourage him to tell you how he feels without prompting.
The most important thing is to be respectful of your boyfriend’s feelings and give him the space to share whatever he’s comfortable sharing. Listen to him without judgment and try to see things from his perspective. And, of course, make sure it’s a private conversation where you won’t be interrupted or overheard.
2. Understand that sexuality is a spectrum
Sexuality is not black and white – it exists on a spectrum. So even if your boyfriend identifies as straight, he may be attracted to men to some degree. If you keep this in mind, it will be much easier to encourage him to be honest about his feelings and figure out what he needs from you and your relationship.
3. Don’t pressure him
Whether your boyfriend is gay, straight, or something in between, he’ll need time to process his feelings. If he’s not ready to talk about it yet, that’s okay. Just let him know you’re there for him when he’s ready.
What do you do if he does admit that he’s gay?
If your boyfriend admits he’s gay, it will be a difficult time for both of you and there’s no getting past the fact that your relationship is over. But you can do a few things to make the situation a little bit easier for both of you.
1. Don’t try to change him
The worst thing you can do is try to change him or ‘cure’ him of his homosexuality. People don’t choose their sexuality, so it’s not something he can change even if he wants to. It’s important to respect his sexuality and allow him to be who he is.
2. Don’t blame him
A part of you probably feels angry and betrayed that he hid something so massive from you. You might blame him for not telling you sooner, but don’t blame him for being true to himself. He isn’t coming out to intentionally hurt you, and there’s a good chance he didn’t even fully recognize his own sexuality when you first got together.
He might have kept his sexuality a secret for many reasons, including judgment, fear of rejection, and the knowledge that he would lose you. Even though he’s sexually attracted to guys, he probably still cares about you deeply and would be with you if he could.
3. Don’t blame yourself
You also need to avoid blaming yourself. There’s nothing you could have done to change his sexuality, and it’s not your fault that he’s gay. Some people even fall into the trap of thinking they were such a bad partner they somehow ‘turned’ their partner gay. Of course, this is ridiculous and simply not true.
4. Move on with your life
Breakups are always tough, but finding out your boyfriend is gay is a particularly difficult situation. It would be much easier if you no longer cared about him, but knowing you can’t be with someone even though you love them is devastating. Even worse, he probably still loves you as well – he just doesn’t feel a sexual connection to you.
However, being with someone who isn’t sexually attracted to you will never work out, no matter how much you love each other. So even though it’s hard, you need to move on with your life and find someone who will be able to give you the relationship you deserve.
At the end of the day, all you can do is focus on taking care of yourself. Grieve for the loss of your relationship, take time for yourself, do the things you love, and surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself.
It’s easy to dwell on the difficult circumstances surrounding your breakup, but try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship instead. Remember all the good times you had together and cherish those memories.
If you’re lucky, you might even be able to stay friends with him, but don’t feel like you have to. Some people find it too painful to stay in contact with their ex, and that’s okay. Start with a period of no contact so you have a chance to heal, and then decide what’s best for you.
5. Ask for help if you need it
Finding out your boyfriend is gay can be incredibly difficult and confusing. If you need help processing your emotions, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist or counselor. They can provide professional guidance and support during this tough time and give you the tools to move on with your life and find happiness.
Is your boyfriend bisexual?
If your boyfriend identifies as bisexual, it means he’s attracted to both men and women. It’s possible that he’s only had relationships with women before meeting you, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in men.
Finding out your boyfriend is bisexual is very different from finding out that he’s gay. As long as he’s attracted to women as well as men, there’s no reason why your relationship can’t continue as normal. It’s really no different from a heterosexual guy having a preference for blondes over brunettes.
The big mistake you need to avoid is thinking that he’s still confused or exploring his sexuality and will eventually come out as being gay. This can happen, but many people are legitimately bisexual and are equally happy and fulfilled in a relationship with either sex. As I’ve already discussed, sexuality is a spectrum, and if he says he’s attracted to both men and women, you should believe him until he tells you otherwise.
