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It can be hard to admit you hate being married, especially if you’ve only recently tied the knot. It feels like a personal failure that you made such a big commitment, and now you badly regret it.
Maybe you had different expectations of what married life would be like, or perhaps you simply don’t love your spouse anymore.
Whatever the reason, it’s important to understand that you’re not alone, and hating marriage is much more common than you think. All relationships go through tough times, and the key is to figure out why you’re so unhappy and fix the problems before it’s too late.
Why do you hate being married?
The first step is to really understand why you hate being married. It sounds obvious, but it’s easy to lie to yourself and gloss over the underlying reason why you’re so unhappy.
Do you hate something about your spouse, or is there some aspect of marriage itself that you can’t stand? Once you know the root cause of your unhappiness, you can start to make changes and improve your situation. Here are all the most common reasons why you might hate being married.
1. You don’t like their attitude or personality
If you hate something about your spouse’s personality, it will be pretty tough to make the marriage work long-term.
Perhaps they’re constantly pessimistic or moody, embarrass you, or they’re an insufferable know-it-all who talks down to you. Or maybe they refuse to help out around the house or with the kids, and you’re always the one picking up the slack.
It might also be that they’re just not the person you thought they were before you married. Either they’ve changed, or you never really knew them that well in the first place. Some personality traits take a long time to reveal themselves, and only after you’ve lived together for a while do you realize how incompatible you are.
If this is the case, it’s time to seriously consider whether you can accept your spouse for who they are. Just be mindful that no one is perfect, and there will always be some things about your partner that you don’t like.
2. You don’t respect your spouse
There are all sorts of reasons why you might not respect your partner. Maybe they’re lazy, unreliable, or constantly making bad decisions that affect you both. Or perhaps they’re just immature and childish, and you feel like you’re always in charge.
You might feel like they aren’t your intellectual equal or have very different social or political values that you can’t stand. It might even be their friends or family you hate, negatively affecting how you see your spouse by association.
Of course, respect is a two-way street, and it’s just as damaging if your spouse doesn’t respect you. If they don’t listen to you, belittle your opinions, or regularly ignore your feelings, it’s only natural that you would start to resent them.
3. You have different values or goals
Not sharing the same values or goals in life is one of the most common reasons why marriages fail. It can be hard to compromise on things like religion, where you want to live, how many kids you want to have, and your career aspirations.
One person might want to travel the world while the other wants to put down roots and stay in one place. One might want to focus on their career while the other wants to be a stay-at-home parent. And if you’re constantly arguing about money and spending habits, that’s another huge red flag.
Trying to change your spouse’s values or goals to match your own can be tempting, but this is usually a recipe for disaster. You can’t make someone be something they’re not, and it’s important to accept that you might not always see eye to eye on everything.
4. You’re not physically attracted to your spouse
It’s normal for physical attraction to fade a little over time, but it’s a big problem if you’re no longer attracted to your partner at all.
Your spouse may have gained weight, let themselves go, or they don’t take care of their appearance the way they used to. This can even make you feel like they no longer care about you because they don’t make any effort to look good for you anymore.
Sweatpants and a fried chicken-stained t-shirt are okay for a Sunday afternoon spent on the couch, but it’s not shallow to want your partner to make a little effort to impress you occasionally.
Personal hygiene is another common issue that affects physical attraction. If your partner doesn’t shower regularly, brush their teeth, or wash their clothes, it’s only natural that you would find them less attractive.
5. You live separate lives
It’s not uncommon for couples to grow apart as the stress and routine of everyday life take over. If you’re not careful, it’s easy to feel like you’re strangers living under the same roof.
Before you know it, you realize you barely spend any time together. You might go days or weeks without having a proper conversation, and you have different friends, interests, and priorities.
You don’t have to share all the same interests to have a successful marriage, but it’s important to have some things in common that you can enjoy together. Even small steps like making time for each other every day to chat can make a big difference in your relationship.
6. There’s a lack of intimacy
Physical intimacy is integral to any relationship, and it’s normal to feel hurt and rejected if your partner isn’t interested in sex.
However, intimacy is a lot more than just sex. It’s also all the little displays of affection that show your partner how much you care. Holding hands, cuddling on the couch watching tv, or a stolen kiss on your way out the door all show your partner they’re loved and desired and keep the spark alive in your marriage.
If you feel like there’s a lack of intimacy in your relationship, it’s time to talk with your partner about what you need. Many couples find that learning about their love languages can help them understand what their partner needs to feel loved.
7. You hate their family
When you get married, you also marry into your partner’s family. This can be good if you get along with their parents and siblings, but it’s a nightmare if you can’t stand them.
In-laws can be nosy, critical, and sometimes even manipulative. You might have cultural or political differences, feel judged for your lifestyle choices, or feel like you’re never good enough for your partner’s family. In extreme cases, this can lead to you hate being married.
If you’re struggling to get along with your in-laws, setting boundaries is important. You might need to limit the time you spend with them or confront them about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.
Talking to your partner about how their family makes you feel is also important. They might not even know how bad things are because they’re too emotionally involved.
8. You feel unappreciated
In a healthy marriage, both partners should feel like they’re contributing equally to the relationship and that their efforts are appreciated.
If you’re always doing the dishes, taking care of the kids, or working late hours at the office while your partner relaxes on the couch, it’s only natural you feel unappreciated and resentful.
9. You feel controlled
A healthy marriage is built on trust, respect, and equality. If your partner is always trying to control what you do, who you see, or how you spend your time, it’s a sign that they don’t respect your autonomy.
Financial control is another common issue in marriages. If your partner controls the finances and you’re not allowed to have any say in how you spend your money, it can make you feel powerless and trapped.
Some controlling partners deliberately try to manipulate their spouses into doing what they want, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes a marriage falls into destructive patterns, and you give up control without realizing it. For example, you might never have a say in what you eat, what you do on weekends, or where you go on vacation.
Over time, feeling a lack of control can lead to resentment and loss of self-esteem. In extreme cases, you might even feel like you’re losing your sense of identity. You’re so caught up in your marriage that it’s hard to tell where you end and your partner begins.
10. You feel like you’re not good enough
If your partner constantly puts you down, points out your flaws, or makes you feel like you’re not good enough, it’s a major red flag that they don’t respect or value you.
Or, you might feel under pressure because you don’t earn enough money, have the right friends, or aren’t interested in climbing the social ladder.
However, your spouse doesn’t have to mistreat you for you to feel unworthy of their love. If you suffer from low self-esteem, you might start to believe that you don’t deserve your partner’s love or attention, even if they never give you any reason to feel that way.
11. You don’t have a work-life balance
Working long hours, being on call 24/7, or traveling for work can strain your marriage significantly. If you’re never home or you’re always too tired to spend time with your partner, it’s only natural that you might start to drift apart.
It can also feel like all the money you earn instantly disappears to pay bills and run your household, leaving you with nothing to enjoy. If you’re not careful, work can quickly take over your life and leave you resentful towards your job and spouse.
12. You struggle with monogamy
Some people realize after they get married that they’re not happy with the monogamous nature of marriage. If you’ve always had a wandering eye or been attracted to multiple partners, it can be hard to suddenly commit yourself to one person for the rest of your life.
The best way to save your marriage
If you’re looking for a practical guide to saving your marriage without expensive counseling, I recommend you check out “Mend the Marriage” by Brad Browning.
There are many marriage-saving guides out there, but Mend the Marriage is by far the most detailed guide I’ve ever seen. No matter what issues you’re facing in your marriage, Brad will have helpful advice for your situation and answer all your “what if” scenarios.”
Mend the Marriage contains hundreds of real-world examples tested on married couples. For example, the section on how to handle arguments will show you effective techniques to instantly stop a fight in its tracks without any lingering resentment.
The best part is that Mend the Marriage will work even if your spouse isn’t interested. In fact, Brad believes it’s better if you take the first steps on your own. His powerful psychological techniques will rewire your spouse’s perception of you and subconsciously rebuild their attraction before they even know what’s happening.
Brad claims that almost all marriages can be saved. That’s a bold claim, but I believe him after reading Mend the Marriage. Brad is a certified relationship counselor and has spent over a decade helping men and women repair their broken relationships. His experience has helped him develop dozens of unique and groundbreaking techniques I’ve never seen anywhere else.
Check out Brad’s free video to learn more about Mend the Marriage. It might make the difference between “divorced and lonely” and “happily ever after.”
What to do if you hate being married
Just because you hate being married, it doesn’t mean your marriage is over, and you should immediately get a divorce. There are plenty of marriages that go through tough times and come out stronger on the other side.
Earlier, I mentioned Brad Browning’s Mend the Marriage course. He has a lot of great advice for couples struggling in their marriage, and I highly recommend checking it out.
However, there are also many things you can start doing on your own to improve your marriage.
1. Figure out why you hate being married
Hopefully, this article has helped you understand why you hate being married. Once you know the problem, you can start thinking about solutions.
Are you feeling trapped because your partner is too controlling? Are you unhappy because you’re not getting enough attention from your spouse? Do you feel you’re not good enough or your partner doesn’t love or respect you?
Figuring out why you hate being married is the first step to fixing your marriage.
2. Be more transparent in your relationship
Transparency in relationships is about being honest with your partner about your thoughts and feelings. If you’re constantly putting on a happy face and pretending everything is okay, it will only make things worse in the long run.
Your partner can’t read your mind, and they often won’t know what’s wrong unless you tell them. You might be worried that being honest will hurt their feelings or make them think less of you, but that’s usually not the case. In most cases, they will appreciate your honesty, and it will actually bring you closer together. The key is building trust and creating a safe space where you can openly express yourselves without fear of judgment.
If you’re not sure how to start being more transparent in your relationship, here are a few tips:
- Talk about your day: Tell your partner about your work stressors, the new project you’re working on, or the funny thing that happened to you on the way home.
- Share your thoughts and feelings: If you’re feeling hurt, frustrated, or angry, tell your partner how you feel. They can’t fix the problem if they don’t know there is one.
- Be honest about your needs: If you feel neglected or unimportant, let your partner know. They might not even realize they’re not giving you the attention you need.
- Don’t hold back: It’s okay to be vulnerable and share your deepest thoughts and feelings with your partner. They’re your spouse, not your enemy.
If you’re unhappy with something your partner is doing, it’s important to communicate constructively. Criticizing them will only make them defensive, and they’re likely to shut down or become more resistant to change.
Be transparent and honest when communicating, and avoid passive-aggressive comments, threats, ultimatums, and name-calling.
Using ‘I” statements is a great way to avoid coming across as confrontational. For example, you could say, “I feel neglected when you go out with your friends, and I don’t hear from you all night,” or “I need more affection from you. It would make me feel loved and appreciated.”
Related post: 21 ways to deal with a husband who won’t communicate
3. Learn how to argue constructively
Arguments are unavoidable in any relationship, but how you handle them makes all the difference. If you constantly argue with your partner and it always ends in a shouting match, it’s time to start learning how to argue constructively.
There are a few things you can do to make sure your arguments are productive:
- Set aside time to talk: Sit down and discuss the issue when you’re both calm and relaxed. Make sure you’re both mentally and emotionally in a good place before starting the discussion.
- Listen to each other: It’s important to hear what your partner is saying instead of waiting for your turn to speak. If you’re not listening, you will not be able to resolve the issue.
- Be respectful: Even if you disagree with your partner, you should still show them respect. Avoid name-calling, personal attacks, and belittling comments.
- Compromise: In any relationship, there has to be some give and take. If you’re both willing to compromise, you’ll be able to find a solution that works for both of you.
It’s also important to remember that you’re on the same team. You’re not trying to “win” the argument; you’re trying to find a solution that works for both of you.
4. Spend more time apart
Spending time apart from your spouse is essential to maintain your own identity and keep the spark alive in your relationship. Make sure you have plenty of time to pursue your own hobbies, interests, and friendships.
It’s also important to have some alone time. Even if you’re used to doing everything together, you still might value some time to yourself. Take a bath, read a book, or take a walk by yourself. Alone time will help you to recharge your emotional batteries so you can be the best version of yourself for your spouse.
Related post: How to give him space: 27 tips to avoid losing him
5. Spend more quality time together
And when you do spend time together, make sure it’s quality time. Turn off the TV, put away your phones, and really focus on each other. Talk about your day, hopes and dreams, or anything on your mind. Make each other laugh and enjoy each other’s company.
Quality time doesn’t have to be expensive or fancy. It can be as simple as cooking dinner together, going for a walk, or cuddling on the couch. The important thing is that you’re both present and enjoying each other’s company.
Reminiscing about past good times is also a great way to strengthen your bond and remind you both why you got married in the first place.
6. Invest in yourself
You can’t expect to be happy in your marriage if you’re not happy with yourself, so be sure to invest time and energy into your own well-being.
Make sure you’re taking care of your physical health by eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Your mental health is just as important, so don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you’re feeling overwhelmed or down.
Spend time doing things that make you happy, whether that’s seeing friends, trying a new hobby, or just taking some quiet time for yourself.
7. Focus on what you do like
Focusing on everything you hate about being married can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’re only focusing on the negative, that’s all you’ll see. Instead, try to focus on the things you do like about your partner. Perhaps you appreciate their sense of humor, their intelligence, or the way they’re always there for you.
Think about why you got married in the first place and what you loved about your partner back then. No matter how bad things feel, there will always be something positive to latch onto that can help change your perspective.
8. Accept what you can’t change
Trying to change your spouse’s personality will only end in frustration. Instead of trying to change them, focus on accepting them for who they are. Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to accept abusive or hurtful behavior, and you should have firm boundaries around what you’re willing to tolerate.
What you can change is how you react to your spouse. If you show them you’re ready to compromise, have constructive conversations, and work together as a team, they will be much more likely to change their behavior and meet you halfway.
9. Take responsibility for your own actions
It takes two people to make a marriage, and it’s unlikely that your partner is 100% to blame for all your relationship problems. Instead of pointing the finger, take responsibility for your own actions and try to be part of the solution.
Are you communicating effectively? Are you being respectful? Are you putting in the effort to make things work? Are you playing the blame game?
If you make a mistake, take responsibility for your actions and sincerely apologize. This will go a long way toward repairing your relationship and improving things.
10. Set healthy boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries gives you a consistent framework to judge how you’re being treated and provides a way to resolve conflict. When your partner knows your boundaries and violates them, it makes it much easier to communicate the problem and take action.
Some examples of healthy boundaries might be:
- I need you to listen to me when I’m talking to you.
- I need you to stop yelling at me or talking to me like I’m a child.
- I need you to respect my privacy and not go through my things.
- I need you to be honest with me and not keep secrets.
- I need you to stop making fun of me in front of other people.
In addition to having boundaries, your partner needs to know the consequences of violating your boundaries. For example, you might say, “If you don’t listen to me when I’m talking to you, I’m going to walk away and take some time to cool off.” Or, in more severe cases, you might make it clear that you will end the relationship if they don’t change their behavior.
11. Consider couples therapy
Many couples find it helpful to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. If you’re struggling in your relationship, couples therapy can provide a safe and neutral space to air grievances, learn new communication and conflict resolution skills, and get outside perspectives on your relationship.
Seeking therapy is not an admission of defeat, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. In fact, therapy can be a very positive experience that helps you and your partner reconnect and build a stronger foundation for your relationship.
Final thoughts
If you hate being married, know that you’re not alone. It’s normal to have ups and downs, and even the happiest couples go through rough patches. The important thing is to communicate with your partner, work together as a team, and focus on the things you love about each other.
If you’re willing to put in the effort, it is possible to turn your marriage around, fall back in love with your partner and have the happy and healthy relationship you’ve always wanted.
