This post may include affiliate links to products we think you'll find useful. We may earn a small commission if you buy through these links. Read our affiliate disclosure.
Accepting the end of your marriage is heart-breaking, and I’m sorry if you’re going through this challenging time.
Sometimes there are very clear signs you need to get out. Any kind of physical or emotional abuse is the most obvious example. But often, it can take a long time to accept that you’re in an unhappy marriage. It’s the result of many little things that add up over time and leave you feeling drained and empty inside.
Leaving your marriage is a drastic change in your life – there’s no getting around it. And it’s even worse if you have kids or there are a lot of financial pressures in your life.
But the bottom line is this. We all know marriage is hard work, but you deserve to be in a romantic relationship that’s built on respect, equality, support, and love.
Here are 20 warning signs that your marriage is really over and it’s time to get a divorce.
Related post: How to fix a broken marriage: 13 essential steps
1. You’re in an abusive relationship
If you’re in an abusive situation and your partner is violent and mean, and disrespectful, please don’t make any excuses for them.
Don’t pretend like it’s not really happening or put it down to stress because we all know there’s no excuse to ever physically or emotionally abuse another human being. No matter what they say or do to excuse their behavior, you deserve better than that.
Many people who are trapped in abusive relationships have a very hard time admitting it’s happening to them. It’s hard to accept because you love your partner, and you feel like the abuse just comes along with loving someone.
Real love is about respecting yourself and other people, not controlling or hurting them. You shouldn’t have to put up with any abuse for a single second, let alone a prolonged period of time.
Physical abuse
Physical abuse can be anything from pushing and shoving, hitting or slapping, or throwing objects at you. It might not always result in physical injuries, but it’s still abuse.
Emotional abuse
Emotionally abusive partners will tear you down by criticizing everything about your personality and what you do as a parent, wife, friend, etc. They’ll make up stories about how unreliable you are and how they always have to clean up your messes.
Arguably the most serious forms of emotional abuse are gaslighting and manipulation.
Gaslighting is when they convince you that your memories and interpretations of events are totally wrong. They’ll tell you that things didn’t happen the way you remember, even if dozens of other people saw it too. It’s a way of making you doubt your own perception of reality.
Manipulation is when they tell you what to think and feel, regardless of how you actually feel. Manipulators will try to turn everything around on you – if something bad happens, it’s always your fault or responsibility, even though they’re the ones who caused it.
They will make you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough and that you’re a total screw-up. This is not the behavior of a healthy partner who really loves you – it’s abuse, plain and simple.
Verbal abuse
Verbal abuse is similar to emotional abuse in that words are being used to hurt you, but it’s usually more direct.
Your partner might tell you out loud that they hate you or say really offensive stuff about your looks, sex life, or personality. They might call you names to put you down or belittle your accomplishments.
Sexual abuse
Most people think of sexual abuse as something physical like rape, but it can be anything that makes you feel uncomfortable with sex or sexual touch. This includes things like making degrading comments about your body, pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to, forcing you to do other sexual things that you’re not comfortable with, or sabotaging birth control.
If your partner is showing any of these signs, please get out of this terrible relationship as soon as possible. Do whatever it takes to stay safe – call a hotline, sleep at a friend’s house, do whatever you have to do.
Substance abuse
Substance abuse in relationships can easily lead to all the other types of abuse I’ve listed above.
Unless your spouse has admitted they have a problem and they’re getting help, it’s time to think about ending the marriage. If you continue to stick around waiting for your partner to overcome their addiction, you’ll probably be wasting your time.
The simple fact is that serious drug and alcohol issues can rarely be resolved without professional help. And whether they admit it or not, addicts aren’t capable of being totally present in a loving relationship because their addiction is always front and center.
2. There’s a complete lack of respect
Mutual respect is the cornerstone of a successful marriage, and it means you care about your spouse’s feelings (and vice versa).
A lack of respect from one or both partners is a major red flag the relationship is over. It often starts with one partner becoming overly critical of the other, mocking them, or even putting them down in front of other people. Over time, it gets worse until every exchange is full of contempt and hostility.
Another common sign of disrespect is when your partner starts to ignore you. They might not give you the time of day when you’re in their presence, or they just leave without saying goodbye when they walk out the door for work in the morning.
Similarly, not including you in important decisions that affect the family is a sign that they no longer respect or value you.
3. The emotional intimacy is gone
An emotionally intimate relationship means that you can be totally vulnerable with your spouse. You feel totally comfortable talking about your feelings, fears, and insecurities, and you know they’ll support you and not judge you.
If your spouse is not sharing their feelings with you and seems emotionally closed off, it’s a sign that they don’t trust or respect you anymore. When emotional intimacy fades, you have nothing left but an empty shell of a marriage that will eventually fail.
4. The physical intimacy is gone
Every married couple goes through periods where they have more or less sex. It’s also very common to go through extended periods where you have no sex at all.
But if your spouse is no longer interested in touching, kissing, or any intimate contact – even when you’re having sex – it’s not good news.
Mutual attraction and physical intimacy are important parts of every happy relationship, and if this is gone, the marriage might be over.
5. There’s a lack of communication
Open and honest communication is a vital part of any healthy relationship. If your partner is unwilling to have conversations about the state of your marriage – or anything else for that matter – then they’re sending a clear signal that they don’t care about working things out.
A communication breakdown is often a sign that the person has already checked out of the relationship. If you stick around hoping they’ll change their mind, you’re just going to get more and more frustrated and angry at them for not caring enough to work it out with you.
The lack of communication usually starts as a slow fade – they stop initiating conversations, they start making excuses to not spend time with you, and soon you’re left feeling like you don’t even know who they are anymore.
6. You’re arguing all the time
Arguments can be a perfectly healthy part of a successful marriage because they force issues that need to be discussed.
But if you find yourself arguing constantly and nothing ever gets solved, there are deeper problems in the marriage.
One issue might be that you don’t know how to argue in a constructive way. In a healthy relationship, arguing is done in a respectful way where each partner has the space to voice their needs, wants, and opinions. You may disagree, but you both feel heard and respected.
If your partner refuses to listen to you, constantly yells over you, or stonewalls you, it’s a sign that your arguing is toxic and communication has completely broken down.
7. Even worse, there’s a lack of fighting
Usually, a lack of fighting is a sign of a healthy marriage. But if your relationship has serious problems, it could be a signal that you’ve both completely given up.
Constant fighting leads to exhaustion, which leads to apathy, and before you know it, you’re not even fighting anymore because you don’t care.
8. You don’t feel like you’re in a committed relationship
If you’re living like a single even though you’re married, there’s a good chance you’re not in a committed relationship.
Feeling like you’re part of a team is important if you want your marriage to work. You need to prioritize each other and be there to work through problems together.
A huge sign of commitment problems is when you stop making future plans together. You used to talk about having kids, taking trips together, and what you wanted your future to look like. But over time, you realized that there’s no hope for your marriage, so you stopped planning.
Don’t give up on your marriage until you’ve tried this
If you’re looking for a practical guide to saving your marriage without expensive counseling, I recommend you check out “Mend the Marriage” by Brad Browning.
There are many marriage-saving guides out there, but Mend the Marriage is by far the most detailed guide I’ve ever seen. No matter what issues you’re facing in your marriage, Brad will have helpful advice for your situation and answer all your “what if” scenarios.”
Mend the Marriage contains hundreds of real-world examples tested on married couples. For example, the section on how to handle arguments will show you effective techniques to instantly stop a fight in its tracks without any lingering resentment.
The best part is that Mend the Marriage will work even if your spouse isn’t interested. In fact, Brad believes it’s better if you take the first steps on your own. His powerful psychological techniques will rewire your spouse’s perception of you and subconsciously rebuild their attraction before they even know what’s happening.
Brad claims that almost all marriages can be saved. That’s a bold claim, but I believe him after reading Mend the Marriage. Brad is a certified relationship counselor and has spent over a decade helping men and women repair their broken relationships. His experience has helped him develop dozens of unique and groundbreaking techniques I’ve never seen anywhere else.
Check out Brad’s free video to learn more about Mend the Marriage. It might make the difference between “divorced and lonely” and “happily ever after.”
9. Marriage counseling hasn’t helped
If you’ve tried couples counseling, but it hasn’t helped, you should still keep going (even if it’s tough). But suppose you find that your marriage continues to worsen no matter how many times you try therapy. In that case, it’s likely there are some serious underlying issues that have nothing to do with communication or commitment.
Professional help can only do so much, and if your partner refuses to go or they’re not interested in changing whatever behaviors are causing the issues, then you should seriously consider ending the marriage.
10. You don’t enjoy spending time together
All marriages have their ups and downs, but your relationship is in serious trouble if you don’t enjoy each other’s company.
There’s a good chance you may have just fallen out of love with your spouse, and your relationship is really over. But another reason why couples stop spending time together is that they’re always so busy. They forget to prioritize each other and grow further and further apart over time.
Before you declare your marriage over, try to rekindle your lost spark by setting aside more time for each other. Make an effort to schedule a date night, getaway weekends, or simply a few hours cuddling on the couch.
11. There’s no compromise in the relationship
No couple will always agree on everything, but you should be able to find a healthy middle ground and make compromises.
Most couples learn over time what is and isn’t negotiable, and they find a way to reach a healthy balance. For example, you might want to eat out more often, but your spouse prefers to cook at home. Instead of fighting about it every night, you find a balance between going out and cooking at home.
However, if you always give in to your spouse’s demands or if your partner doesn’t even ask for your opinion, then it’s clear the relationship has serious problems.
There are also plenty of things in a marriage you should never compromise on. If you feel like these are being violated in your relationship, it’s time to move on.
12. Your spouse is having an emotional affair
An emotional affair is when you develop feelings for someone else while you’re still in a committed relationship.
If your spouse has become emotionally distant, spends most of their time with other people, or never seems satisfied with your relationship, then they may be having an emotional affair.
An emotional affair is different from a physical affair because it can happen without any physical contact. It might seem less serious at first glance, but in reality, it can be just as damaging to your relationship.
If you think your spouse is emotionally cheating on you, then it’s time to either work things out with them or call it quits.
13. Your spouse cheated or is having an affair
People cheat and have affairs for a variety of reasons, but they’re all equally destructive to a relationship.
There are always warning signs before your spouse cheats, but you might miss them because you’re so in love or because you don’t want to see the truth right away.
If he or she hides their phone, spends more time alone than usual, cancels dates at the last minute, or starts hanging out with a new group of friends – it could be a sign they’re cheating.
If you already suspect your spouse has cheated on you or is having an affair, then it’s time to think about the future of your marriage. Cheating and affairs can be forgiven if both parties are willing to work through their mistakes and make the relationship work in the long term.
However, in many cases, the marriage never recovers from the betrayal, and it’s time for both partners to move on.
Related posts:
- Is he cheating? 21 signs women easily miss
- How to tell if your wife is cheating on you: 17 subtle signs
14. There’s constant criticism
Criticism is often confused with pointing out problems in the relationship, but there is a big difference between the two.
Criticism involves making personal attacks on your partner’s character or personality, while problem-solving focuses on finding solutions to fix the issue at hand.
If you constantly nag your spouse about their negative personality traits or always tell them what they’re doing wrong, then it might be time to call it quits.
The same goes for if they constantly point out all your flaws without suggesting any positive changes. This behavior isn’t how you solve problems and will only cause resentment over time.
15. Your core values are different
If you and your partner don’t share the same core values, then you may not be compatible in the long term.
You can find ways to compromise on less critical values like politics or your taste in food, but core values can’t be compromised. If your core values are very different, then you need to decide if it’s worth staying in the marriage or opening yourself up to someone who shares your same views.
16. You don’t see your spouse as an equal partner
Equality is key to any healthy relationship. If you feel like you and your spouse aren’t equal partners in the marriage, then it may be time to consider leaving.
Equality is defined by support, fairness, open communication, independence, self-love, and empathy for one another.
If these things don’t exist in your relationship or are lacking heavily on either side of the scale – they need to be restored before the marriage has any chance of succeeding.
17. Your marriage has serious financial issues
Financial issues are often cited as one of the biggest reasons for divorce in the US.
When couples have different spending habits or different long-term goals for their money, it’s a recipe for disaster. You need to be on the same page about money to make a marriage work.
If there are serious financial issues in your relationship, then it may be worth working with a therapist and an accountant to sort them out. Once the money issues are fixed, then you’ll be able to see if there is anything left worth saving in your marriage.
Financial abuse is also more common in relationships than you might think. Signs of financial abuse include controlling your spending, giving you a strict allowance, and withholding money from you. A spouse might even forbid their partner from working to make sure they have total financial control over them.
18. You’re keeping secrets from each other
Secrecy in a marriage is never a good thing. If you have secrets from your spouse, then it’s going to lead to further problems down the line.
Your goal in any relationship should be honesty and transparency so that both parties can work together towards their goals and dreams for the future.
If you have a secret bank account or a credit card that your spouse doesn’t know about, then you need to consider opening up about these things before they become bigger issues down the road.
Or perhaps you’re hiding feelings of unhappiness or resentment. If you feel like your marriage isn’t working out, then it’s time to voice these concerns with your spouse instead of bottling them up.
19. Family members have all seen the obvious signs
If all your family members are pointing out the many obvious problems in your marriage, then it’s time to listen. Your family knows you better than anyone, and they (hopefully) have your best interests at heart.
If they’re telling you that you should get a divorce or they don’t think the two of you are good together, then you should take it seriously. Of course, you also shouldn’t blindly do whatever they say, but you should listen and then form your own opinion based on their advice.
20. Your marriage is affecting your mental health
A sure-fire sign that your marriage is in trouble is if your mental health is suffering. Examples might include having constant negative thoughts about your relationship, your life, or your future with your spouse.
When you’re unhappy in a relationship, it can have a negative effect on other areas of your life. You might find yourself gaining weight from not eating properly, drinking too much alcohol to numb the pain, or lashing out at family and friends.
If you’ve got depressive symptoms that don’t quit after several weeks or months, it’s time to get some professional help. Depression is not a joke, and you shouldn’t try and cope with it alone.
