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Have you ever felt the horrible sensation of rising panic as you struggle to think of what to say to someone? The awkward silence is growing, but your mind has drawn a complete blank, and you have no idea how to keep the conversation going.
It can happen to anyone in any situation. You might be on a first date, at a wedding full of strangers, or even at a job interview where you need to be on your game.
If you’re already an introvert, these nightmare conversations can severely affect your social life. You become very hesitant to talk to new people and avoid social situations unless you have to.
This is a sad situation, and you end up missing out on a lot of amazing events and social interactions.
You might also miss out on many health benefits. It’s been shown that talking to new people makes you happier, more mentally alert, and less lonely.
But the good news is you can learn how to talk to people and avoid having another awkward and nerve-wracking conversation.
Why is talking to people so hard?
Talking to new people is difficult when you’ve just met them, and you don’t have any shared history or common ground to fall back on.
As you introduce yourself, the conversation might flow for a few seconds, but you quickly run out of things to say. The conversation starts to feel very unnatural and forced, and the pressure begins to build.
All the pressure to keep the conversation from dying starts to make you feel nervous. And feeling nervous makes it even harder to relax and let the conversation flow naturally. Before long, you feel deeply embarrassed and awkward, and you want to run away and hide.
This horrible scenario is much more likely to happen to introverted people who don’t feel comfortable in social situations. But even extroverts who love to talk and meet new people can find themselves lost for words.
Not knowing what to say is one problem, but there are also other types of awkward conversations. The person you’re talking to might have no concept of boundaries and ask you personal questions you don’t feel comfortable answering. Or perhaps they talk too much and dominate the conversation, so you never have a chance to speak.
Much of the stress of talking to new people comes from the fact that we want to be liked by other people – especially people we’ve just met. First impressions matter, and we want to put our best foot forward.
This urge to be liked makes sense because humans have evolved as social animals. We need to connect and work with each other to survive.
But this pressure to be liked can also make us uncertain how to act around someone new. Are my attempts and small talk boring them? Should I try harder to impress them? If I tell them this fact about myself, will they judge me and like me less?
How to talk to people
1. Learn how to listen
We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.
Carl Rogers
When people get nervous talking to someone new, they often try to fill the gaps in the conversation with more talking. This is a natural reaction when you’re trying desperately to avoid awkward silences.
But talking too much can make the conversation feel strained and unnatural. You end up bouncing between random small talk. You never have an opportunity to delve into a discussion more deeply and let the conversation flow naturally.
The trick is to stop yourself talking and start to actively listen.
Most people will start to open up and tell you interesting things about themselves if you appear to be listening closely to them. They can tell that you’re engaged and interested in what they’re saying.
Listening will also allow you to learn more about them. What they are saying is important, but you can also pick up many clues from their body language and tone.
When you know more about them, you can adjust how you interact with them to make them feel more comfortable. This will massively increase the chances that they like you and want to keep talking to you.
For example, you might notice that they’re very nervous and can’t make eye contact. You can make them feel more relaxed by mirroring their actions and not staring at them directly in the eyes.
Listening also gives you more time to think about what you’re going to say next to keep the conversation flowing. Maybe you remember a story that naturally fits into what they’re saying, or you think of another great question to ask them.
Most importantly, listening helps the conversation flow much more naturally. You both take turns speaking and find the natural points to swap between who’s talking.
2. Show empathy
Empathy is patiently and sincerely seeing the world through the other person’s eyes. It is not learned in school, it is cultivated over a lifetime.
Albert Einstein
Showing empathy lets the person you’re talking to know that you’re concerned about them and care about their problem. It’s also a great way to connect on a deeper level and have a more meaningful conversation.
People will be attracted to you when you show empathy. They’ll feel much more comfortable sharing personal information because they trust you’ll be sympathetic and understanding.
The best way to show empathy is to listen attentively to what the other person is saying. You don’t even have to say anything. Listening shows that you care about them enough to give them your full attention.
People often struggle to show empathy because they worry about being drawn into someone else’s problems. But you don’t need to feel pressured to do any more than lend them a friendly ear. Just giving them your time to listen is a huge help.
There are many other ways to show empathy when talking to someone who’s going through a difficult time.
Show them that you care by asking how they’re feeling. They might be going through a very tough time, and your supportive words could mean the world.
Acknowledge that you’re taking their feelings seriously. Never try to minimize the seriousness of their problems or downplay their importance. You might have good intentions by saying their problems are ‘no big deal,’ but they are a big deal to them.
Ask them lots of open-ended questions to encourage them to share more details. This will signal that you’re listening and create a safe space for them to tell you what they’re feeling. Sometimes just having someone willing to let you talk things through can do wonders.
Let them talk at their own pace. Don’t try and rush them to the end of the conversation so you can talk about solutions. The point is to allow them to use you as a sounding board and get there on their own.
Mirror their vibe. Mirroring is what psychologists call matching your behavior or mannerisms to the person you’re talking to. It’s largely unconscious behavior and often a sign of attraction because it builds trust and rapport. You don’t need to try and exactly match what the other person is doing, but mirror them if it makes them feel more comfortable.
For example, if they struggle to make eye contact, don’t make them more nervous by staring directly into their eyes. If they move away from you, do the same to ensure they have the space they need to feel comfortable.
3. Look for non-verbal cues
Non-verbal cues include anything other than what the person is saying. Posture, eye contact, touch, and the space between you are all examples of non-verbal cues.
You can tell a lot about how your conversation is going by looking at these non-verbal cues.
If their body language is open and relaxed, it shows they feel comfortable around you. If they reach out and touch you on the arm as they laugh at your joke, it’s a clear sign that they are attracted to you.
But if their body language looks closed (e.g., their arms are crossed), then it’s a sign they’re nervous or uncomfortable.
Suppose you sense that the conversation is making the other person feel uncomfortable. In that case, you have an opportunity to change tactics before things become too awkward.
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4. Ask questions and be curious
Most people’s favorite topic of conversation is themselves. It doesn’t mean everyone is entirely vain – we just know ourselves well, and we’re very interested in our own wellbeing.
When you ask most people questions about themselves, they’ll be happy to open up and give you all sorts of details. This takes the stress off you to hold up the conversation and allows you to spend more time listening.
Asking open-ended questions is even better because it allows the other person to answer in any way they like and give you lots of details. They can let their personality shine through and show you what makes them tick.
5. Share things about yourself
Don’t be afraid to share things about yourself in conversation. I understand that this can be hard for many people, but you don’t need to reveal your deepest and darkest secrets.
If they tell you a story, respond with a personal example of your own. Sharing your experiences increases your common ground and is a quick way to build rapport.
It also lets the conversation flow much more easily as you trade stories or anecdotes back and forward.
You don’t even need to use your own stories. Suppose someone is telling you about their trip to France, but you’ve never been. You could share a second-hand story about a friend of yours who had a great time in France.
There’s no need to pass the story off as your own – you’re still building a connection and showing that you’re engaged in the conversation.
Related articles:
- 109 questions to ask a guy to get to know him deeper
- 101 questions to ask a girl (spark a powerful connection)
6. Use reflective listening
You might be talking to someone and have very little interest in what they’re saying. Even worse, they might be talking about a technical topic that you have no clue about.
This can make it very hard to stay focused and pretend to be interested. You don’t want to seem rude or end the conversation abruptly, so what can you do?
One great technique is to use reflective listening. This technique was developed by psychologist Carl Rogers and involves paraphrasing what the person just said back to them. It proves that you’re listening to them and trying to understand.
It will also give them a chance to correct you and point out where you didn’t quite get it right. People love to demonstrate their expertise and impress you, so let them set you straight.
It also keeps them talking and takes all the burden off you to keep the conversation flowing. When it feels natural, you’ll be able to politely excuse yourself and leave them with a very positive impression of you.
Reflecting is also a great skill to have when it’s vital that you do understand. Suppose your boss is telling you how she wants something done. Rephrasing her instructions back at her will confirm that you both understand what she needs.
7. Find common ground
Common ground means that you talk about something you have in common. It’s a great way to make sure a conversation doesn’t start out being awkward.
If you’re on a blind date, you might both know the person who set you up, and you can start the conversation by talking about them.
Or maybe you’re both at an event because you’re interested in the same thing. This should give you plenty of things to talk about.
As a last resort, you can even talk about literal common ground. It might be the building you’re in, the city, or (if you’re desperate) even the weather.
Common ground also allows you to study the other person and figure out how they tick. Once you have a baseline to work with, the conversation can move from common ground into new territory.
8. Don’t be afraid of silence
Awkward silence is the thing many people fear most in conversations. The goal is to avoid it as much as possible, but you can also use it to learn about the other person.
If the conversation drifts into silence, notice how the other person reacts. Do they look terrified that no one is speaking? Not all silence is awkward. If they are calm and relaxed, they might really like you and be enjoying the companionable silence.
9. Try to avoid snap judgements
Making snap judgments about people when we first meet them is part of human nature. Your judgment might be based on what they say, how they look, or even just their vibe.
But there are lots of ways that you can misjudge someone when you first meet them.
First impressions are important, but you don’t have all the information yet, so keep an open mind. We all see the world through our own lens, and it’s often a pretty narrow view.
So do yourself (and them) a favor and talk to them before you decide you don’t like them.
It’s also a great idea to tune into their non-verbal cues. Suppose the person you’re talking to is coming across as angry and unpleasant. Looking at their body language might show you that they’re actually upset, and their anger is just a mask. Showing them empathy might break down the walls and lead to a positive conversation.
10. Give compliments
If a conversation is starting to sound awkward, try complimenting the other person. Depending on the situation, you can complement one of their achievements or even what they’re wearing.
It’s a great way to shift the attention back on them and gives them an easy opening to start talking again. If you pick the right compliment, they’ll almost certainly have a related story to share that will get things back on track.
Compliments also make people feel good, which will help build your rapport and connection.
11. The goal is not to impress
You should never go into a conversation with the goal of impressing someone with your incredible intelligence or humor.
People trying to sound smart or funny often dominate the conversation in their effort to prove that they know everything and have an opinion.
In reality, they just come across as arrogant. You’re much better off just being yourself and trying to form an honest connection.
12. Don’t worry so much
My final piece of advice is to not worry too much about talking to other people.
Almost everyone you meet will like you and enjoy talking to you. It’s just human nature. All you need to do is be yourself and follow the tips in this article.
The more you get used to having conversations with different types of people, the more you’ll enjoy it and open up an entirely new world of opportunities.
