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Being cheated on is a devastating experience, and the feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, frustration and shock can easily become overwhelming. You can’t stop thinking about it and fixate on why it happened and what you could have done differently.
Overthinking after being cheated on won’t help you get through the pain. It will keep you stuck in a downward spiral of negative emotions and thoughts, damaging your mental health and peace of mind. Here are 21 ways to help you break the cycle and plan your next move with a calm and rational mind.
Why are you overthinking after being cheated on?
It’s important to recognize that overthinking after being cheated on is a normal response. When you’re in pain, your mind goes into overdrive, trying to make sense of what’s happened and search for answers.
Someone you love has just committed the ultimate act of betrayal, and your mind is reeling from the anger, hurt, and confusion. You spend hours thinking about your relationship, looking for clues you missed, and trying to understand what went wrong. Every intimate moment you shared with your partner takes on a new meaning, and you wonder whether they ever cared about you at all.
Your mind is also full of agonizing questions that need answering. How many times did they cheat? How many other people have they been with? How long has it really been going on?
Even worse, you might even begin to question your own worth, trying to figure out what’s so wrong with you that pushed them away. Why wasn’t I good enough for them? What should I have done differently? These feelings can be even more damaging if you have a history of bad relationships or you’ve previously suffered infidelity. Anxiety and depression can easily set in, which makes it even harder to regain control of your thoughts.
You also have some critical decisions to make that have no easy answers and require a lot of thought and reflection. Do you want to try and save your relationship? Will you ever be able to trust your partner again? Can your relationship ever go back to normal, or will there always be a shadow hanging over it?
How to stop overthinking after being cheated on
It’s impossible to switch off your thoughts overnight, but with patience and perspective, you can calm your thoughts, work through the pain, and figure out how to best move forward.
1. Accept and embrace your feelings
It might sound counterintuitive, but the first step toward calming your thoughts is to accept and embrace the way you feel fully. Don’t try to pretend you’re not hurting, put on a brave face, or make excuses for your partner’s infidelity to minimize your pain.
When you deny or hide from your feelings, it causes them to fester and grow, making it harder to move on in the long run. Instead, give yourself permission to experience your emotions without judgment or criticism. Remember that it’s ok to be angry, hurt, or sad. Allowing yourself to feel and grieve will help you process your emotions more quickly and make rational decisions about how to move forward.
2. Learn why your partner cheated
It’s common to overthink after being cheated on because you have a lot of unanswered questions floating around in your head. You can easily fall into the trap of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions about why your partner was unfaithful.
If your partner is willing, have a calm and rational conversation to understand why they cheated. Ask questions and listen carefully so you can get a better understanding of their motivations and perspective. Try to avoid blaming and shaming and use the time to better understand your relationship’s dynamics and what went wrong.
For example, you might learn that their cheating had nothing to do with you and was a reflection of their own unresolved issues and insecurities. It doesn’t condone their behavior, but talking things through can help you make sense of the situation, be more compassionate with yourself, and control your raging thoughts.
3. Be honest about your relationship
Being brutally honest with yourself about the problems in your relationship can help you put things into perspective. Are you communicating effectively? Do you allow yourself to be vulnerable and support each other when times are tough? How’s your sex life? Do you both feel the same level of commitment to the relationship?
Of course, answering these questions in no way excuses your partner’s betrayal, but it might help you understand why things went wrong and give you a sense of closure. Hopefully, you can also use what you learn to improve your future relationships and ensure it doesn’t happen again.
4. Don’t blame yourself
If you feel partly responsible for the problems in your relationship, you might be tempted to take some of the blame for your partner’s cheating. Please don’t fall into this trap. Even if there are things you could have done better, nobody deserves to be cheated on, and your partner could have chosen to talk to you instead of betraying your trust.
5. Don’t indulge in what-if scenarios
A common symptom of overthinking is endlessly replaying past conversations and scenarios in your head. You wonder, “what if I had done this differently?” or, “what if I had said that?”
These what-if scenarios can lead to a spiral of negative thoughts and send you into an emotional tailspin. Remind yourself that regret and self-doubt won’t undo the hurt or change what happened, so save your energy for more productive ways of moving forward.
6. Lean on your friends and family
Isolating yourself and keeping your emotions bottled up is a mistake. Leaning on your friends and family for support can be a huge help during this time. Reach out to the people who love you and discuss how you feel. Letting it all out can help relieve some of the emotional pressure and help you stop overthinking.
7. Decide what you want
Deciding whether to stay in a relationship after being cheated on is very stressful – especially if you’ve been together a long time or have family or financial ties.
Whether to stay or go is a very personal decision, so make sure you take the time to really explore your feelings and think through the pros and cons before making a decision. If you feel deep down that you’ll never be able to trust your partner again, it might be time to end the relationship.
Once you feel comfortable with your decision, it will be a huge relief, and you can put the past behind you and start the next chapter of your life.
8. Practice mindfulness
Meditation, yoga, and other mindful practices can help you gain control of your runaway thoughts. The basic idea of mindfulness is to train your mind to stay in the present moment. When you find yourself ruminating or overthinking, mindfulness allows you to observe what’s happening and gently bring your awareness back to the present. With time and practice, you can learn to control your thoughts and feelings – even the most persistent ones.
9. Journal your thoughts
Some people find it helpful to deal with difficult emotions by putting them down on paper. Writing can help you work through your feelings and make sense of what’s happening in your head. It allows you to step back, gain a different perspective, and practice self-compassion.
There’s no right or wrong way to journal, so don’t worry about grammar or spelling – just let it all out. You can write about how you feel, what you’ve learned from the experience, and what you want for the future.
10. Stay active
When struggling with negative emotions, it can be easy to slip into unhelpful habits like drinking, binge eating, or lying around the house for weeks on end. Instead, try to get up and stay active – even a short walk around the block can help lift your spirits and give you some perspective. Exercise releases feel-good hormones, boosts energy levels, and helps keep your thoughts from spiraling out of control.
11. Use self-affirmations
Affirmations are positive statements that help you focus your energy and build self-confidence. For example, if you can’t stop thinking about being cheated on, try repeating positive affirmations to yourself, such as, “I am strong, and I can get through this,” or, “I’m worth more than this. I trust myself to make the right decisions.”
It might sound a little cliche, but using positive affirmations can be very helpful in replacing negative, self-defeating thoughts with positive ones. Over time, you’ll find yourself believing these affirmations more and more.
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12. Stay busy
When you’re feeling down, staying busy is a great way to keep your mind off things and channel your energy into something productive. Throw yourself into work, learn a new hobby or volunteer for an important cause. Doing something productive will help boost your self-confidence and stop you from overthinking.
13. Practice gratitude
Practicing gratitude works best when you turn it into a daily habit, so set aside a few minutes each day to reflect on the things that make you feel grateful, like your family, friends, good health, or a job that you love. When you’re going through a difficult time, reminding yourself of all the good things in your life can help to change your perspective and pull you out of a negative mindset.
14. Avoid comparisons
Suffering from a traumatic event like being cheated on can be very lonely. Even if you have plenty of support, it feels like no one truly understands what you’re going through, and everyone around you is living their best life while you wallow in misery.
It’s important to remember that everyone goes through tough times, and even though it might not seem like it, you’re not alone. Focus on yourself and your journey – don’t compare yourself to anyone else.
15. Establish a routine
Having a routine helps you regain some control and creates an environment that promotes healing. It provides structure and consistency, which can reduce anxiety when your mind is spinning from an emotional experience. If nothing else, it helps you to put one foot in front of the other and get through the day. Establishing a consistent sleep cycle, cooking healthy meals, and setting aside regular time for self-care activities are all excellent places to start.
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16. Take a break from social media
When you’re caught in a cycle of overthinking after being cheated on, the last thing you need is to see photos of everyone you know having a wonderful time with their significant others. Taking a break from social media will be good for your mental health and let you process your emotions in peace.
17. Work on rebuilding trust
If you decide to stay with your partner after cheating, the most important thing you need to do is rebuild trust. Without trust, you’ll constantly second guess and overthink everything they say and do, and your relationship will never get back on track.
All the trust you built up over months or years was instantly destroyed when your partner cheated, and it will take a long time to get it back. The best thing you can do to rebuild trust is to set clear boundaries around transparency in your relationship, talk openly and honestly about how you’re feeling, and deal with any issues as soon as they arise.
18. Avoid turning to alcohol
Alcohol is not a healthy way to cope with the pain of being cheated on. In fact, it can make everything worse and quickly lead to more overthinking, anxiety, and even depression. If you turn to alcohol to deal with your troubles, try replacing it with exercise, meditation, or talking to friends instead. Your mental health will thank you for it.
19. Give back to your community
One of the best ways to take your mind off your problems is to give back to those in need. You can volunteer at a local soup kitchen, donate to an animal shelter, or join an organization that helps people in your community. Focusing on something bigger than yourself will help you better understand what’s really important and restore your faith in humanity.
20. Change your environment
Sometimes just getting out of the house and seeing something new can help you break out of a mental rut. Take a road trip to an unfamiliar place, visit a museum or art gallery, or go for a walk in a new area of your town. Taking in some new sights will help take your mind off your troubles and open you up to new possibilities.
21. Seek professional help
Being cheated on can be one of the most challenging and traumatic experiences of your life, and it’s no surprise that you’re caught in a cycle of overthinking. If you’re struggling to cope, there’s no shame in seeking professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide you with the tools and resources to work through your emotions and heal much faster than trying to do it on your own.
Should you stay with your partner after cheating?
Whether you stay with your partner after cheating is a very personal decision, and only you can make that choice. Some people can forgive infidelity and rebuild their relationship in a healthy way, while others find the pain is too deep to get past it. Whatever you decide, be sure to take your time and weigh all the pros and cons before making any decisions.
Here are some things to consider when determining whether you should stay with your partner after cheating:
1. Do they understand how you feel?
Your significant other might say they’re sorry, but that’s very different from really understanding how deeply their actions hurt you and how it’s changed the way you think about them. If your partner doesn’t have a plan to make you feel secure and rebuild trust, your relationship might be beyond repair.
2. Are they genuinely remorseful?
Do they seem genuinely remorseful for their actions, or are they just saying the right things because they got caught? It’s essential to look out for signs that your partner is genuinely sorry and willing to make changes to repair the relationship.
3. Are they being sincere?
Cheating involves lies and deception, and if your partner isn’t willing to be completely honest with you, it’s unlikely that anything will change in the future. You need to know the full extent of their infidelity, but they also need to be honest about why they cheated in the first place. Once you know that, you can better understand whether they are committed to making things right.
4. Are you both willing to put in the work?
Rebuilding a broken relationship is hard work, and it will take time and energy from both of you if you’re going to make it work. Talk openly with your partner about what needs to change and what you need to move forward. If you both agree to put in the effort, it may be worth giving your relationship another chance.
5. Can you forgive your partner for cheating on you?
If you cannot forgive your partner for cheating, it might be wise to end the relationship. Remember that forgiving doesn’t mean that what they did was okay or that you should stay in a toxic or abusive situation; it just means letting go of the hurt and anger to move forward with your life.
Final thoughts
Being cheated is a traumatic experience, and feeling overwhelmed is normal. But if you take the time to explore your feelings and find healthy ways to deal with your emotions, you can break free from the cycle of overthinking and start the healing process. Just take it one day at a time and know that you deserve to be in a healthy, happy relationship.
