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When a guy you love breaks up with you, it feels like your entire world has been ripped apart. Your heart aches with loss, and every time you think about him, you feel a fresh rush of anxiety and pain. You remember how good it felt when you were together and how lonely the future looks without him.
You replay the last few months of the relationship over in your head and wonder if you could have done anything differently. “I want him back” constantly echoes through your mind. You’d be happy to beg him to take you back if you thought it would work.
The good news is that it is possible to get him back. Even if the breakup was your fault and he hates your guts. And you don’t have to beg or compromise your self-worth in any way. In fact, if you follow these steps, there’s a good chance you’ll have him begging you to get back together with him.
1. Use the No Contact Rule
The first step to getting your ex back is implementing the No Contact Rule. There’s no great secret to the No Contact Rule – it simply means you cut off all contact with your ex for a minimum of 30 days. It won’t be easy at first, but it’s essential if you want to give yourself the best chance of getting him back.
For the No Contact Rule to be effective, you need to be very strict with yourself. This means no text messages, calling, emailing, or social media contact. No exceptions! You might think you can get away with a quick text or phone call to check in on him, but trust me, any contact will jeopardize your chances of getting back together.
If you think you’ll be too tempted to break the No Contact Rule, it might be good to temporarily block your ex’s number from your phone and social media. This will make it much harder for you to contact him, and it will help you stick it out.
There are many reasons why the No Contact Rule is so effective to help get back your husband or ex boyfriend. If you want to know more details, read our dedicated article on the No Contact Rule here.
What happens if he texts me during the No Contact period?
If your ex texts you during the No Contact period, you mustn’t respond. You’ll probably be very tempted to reply, especially if he sounds like he’s missing you.
Responding to him will negate the whole point of No Contact and will only make things more complicated in the long run. If there’s some reason why you have to reply, keep your responses short and don’t convey any emotion.
What happens if I accidentally see him somewhere?
If you see him in person and can’t avoid a conversation, just be polite and friendly and leave as fast as possible. Don’t try to pull him into a long conversation, and don’t get emotional. The goal is to show him that you’re doing great without him and that you’re not still hung up on the breakup.
What happens if he starts dating someone else during No Contact?
Don’t freak out and jump to conclusions if your ex starts dating someone else during No Contact. He’s probably just in a rebound relationship, and it doesn’t mean that he’s over you.
The best thing you can do is focus on your own life and continue working on yourself. If you stay strong and keep doing what you’re supposed to do, then there’s a good chance that he’ll come back to you when the rebound relationship fizzles out.
2. Get a handle on your emotions
The main goal of the No Contact Rule is to give you time to calm down and get control of your emotions. If you’re not in a good headspace when you see your ex again, there’s too much risk that you’ll make a fool of yourself and drive him even further away.
Below are some of the behaviors you need to avoid. As soon as your ex spots even a hint of these, it will make him think he made the right decision to dump you, and he’ll move on for good:
- Being clingy or needy because you still miss him.
- Begging or pleading with him to take you back.
- Acting jealous if he starts dating someone else.
- Getting angry or defensive about how he treated you.
- Interrogating him about his love life.
- Stalking him or his new girlfriend.
- Trying to make him feel guilty about the breakup.
3. Work on yourself
No Contact is the perfect opportunity to work on yourself and improve your life. You should be doing this anyway, but it’s especially important if you want to get your ex back.
Focus on the areas of your life that need improvement and start making positive changes to become the best version of yourself. The more you love yourself, the more attractive you’ll be to your ex when you contact him.
Some things you can do to make yourself more attractive:
- Get in shape and improve your physical health.
- Work on your sense of style.
- Develop a hobby or passion.
- Work on your confidence and self-esteem.
- Set some medium and long-term goals for yourself.
- Start going out more and having fun.
Imagine the look on his face when you see him for the first time. You’ve got a new look, you’re confident and happy, and you’ve got heaps going on in your life.
You want him to (almost) believe that he was holding you back, and you’re much better off without him.
Working on your mental health is also essential if you want to make a good impression on your ex. If you’re still feeling angry, resentful, or heartbroken, it will show when you talk to him, and you’re likely to say something that will turn him off.
Some things you can do to improve your mental health:
- Talk to a therapist or counselor about the breakup and how you’re feeling.
- Write in a journal about your feelings and what’s going on in your life.
- Talk to a trusted friend or family member about what’s going on.
- Spend time outdoors and in nature.
- Exercise regularly.
- Eat a healthy diet.
- Get enough sleep.
- Practice meditation or mindfulness.
Related post: 100 shadow work prompts (for self love & healing)
4. Accept that you might never get him back
Part of the journey of getting your ex back is accepting that there’s a possibility that you might fail. No matter how confident you are, there’s always a chance that he won’t want you back.
If you go into the process with the mindset that failure isn’t an option, you’re setting yourself up for a broken heart. You need to have realistic expectations and be prepared for the possibility that you might not get what you want.
The best thing you can do is focus on your own happiness and well-being and let go of the outcome. If you’ve done everything you can and it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll know that you did everything you can.
There are thousands of other guys out there who would love to be in a relationship with you. If your ex is one of those guys, then great. But if he’s not, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
The bottom line is that you’re going to be just fine without him.
5. Be honest about your relationship
After a breakup, part of the healing process is being brutally honest with yourself about the problems in your relationship. When you feel hurt and alone, it’s easy to put on rose-colored glasses and only remember the good times.
But if you want to get your ex back, you need to take a cold, hard look at what went wrong. Otherwise, you’re likely to repeat the same mistakes a second time.
Being honest about the issues will also help you decide if you actually want to get back together with your ex. If you were constantly fighting, there were serious trust or commitment issues, or you had absolutely nothing in common, it might not be worth trying to get him back.
On the other hand, if you had a great relationship and your problems could easily be worked through with better communication, it’s worth trying to work things out.
Some things to think about:
- What were the main problems in your relationship?
- What role did you play in those problems?
- Are you willing to change your behavior?
- Is there anything you’re not ready to compromise on?
- Do you actually want to be in a romantic relationship with him again? Why?
Related post: 19 good reasons to end a relationship
The best way to get your ex back
If you’re looking for a step-by-step instruction manual that will show you exactly how to get back your ex, I recommend you check out the “Ex Factor Guide” by Brad Browning.
There are many ‘get your ex back’ products out there, but the Ex Factor Guide is by far the most practical and comprehensive guide ever written on the subject. No matter how unique your breakup was, I’m positive Brad will have helpful advice for your situation and answer all your questions in detail.
Even better, the Ex Factor Guide contains hundreds of real-world examples of Brad’s sneaky (but highly effective) psychological techniques that he has tested on real couples. For example, the section on text messages will give you dozens of example messages you can send to your ex to get a response and make them start to miss you.
Brad claims that over 90% of relationships can be successfully repaired. That’s a bold claim, but after reading The Ex Factor Guide, I think he’s legit. Brad is a certified relationship counselor and has spent over ten years helping men and women repair their broken relationships. His experience has helped him develop dozens of unique, groundbreaking ideas I’ve never seen anywhere else.
Check out Brad’s free video presentation to learn more about all his sneaky psychological techniques. If you apply his methods, there’s an excellent chance you’ll have your ex begging for a second chance.
6. Own your part in the breakup
It takes two people to make a relationship work, and breakups are rarely the result of just one person’s actions. If you want to get your ex back, it’s important to take responsibility for your part in the breakup.
This doesn’t mean that you’re entirely to blame – there may have been outside factors that contributed to the breakup, or he may have done things that were wrong. But if you want to get back together, you need to take responsibility for your own actions and be willing to change.
Some things to think about:
- What did you do that contributed to the breakup?
- Are you willing to apologize for your part in it?
- What can you do differently in a future relationship?
- Can you forgive him for his part in the breakup?
If you’re comfortable working through all these questions, you’re in an excellent place to start thinking about getting your ex back. Remember, the goal is to improve yourself and your relationship, not just win him back.
7. Make sure you want him back for the right reasons
You should only try to get back together with your ex if you genuinely think it will make you happy. Getting back together for the wrong reasons – because you’re lonely, you miss the sex, or you’re scared of being single – will be a huge mistake and lead to more heartache in the long run.
Think carefully about your motivations for wanting to get back together, and be sure that they’re coming from a place of love, not fear.
- Do you really miss your ex, or do you just miss being in a relationship?
- Do you want him back because you’re scared of being alone?
- Do you actually even like him, or are you just used to him?
8. Explore your options
A great way to figure out if you want to get back together with your ex is to explore your other options.
Dating other people will help you see if you really want to be in a relationship with your ex or if you’re just lonely. It will also help you take your ex off the pedestal and remember that thousands of other guys are out there waiting for you.
Set up a dating app profile, go on some dates, and see how you feel. It’s important not to compare your dates to your ex – just focus on enjoying yourself and getting to know new people. You never know, you might even meet someone better for you than your ex!
9. When to end the no contact period
Okay, so you’ve been faithfully following the No Contact Rule for 30 days, and you think you’re feeling pretty good about things. How do you know when to end the no contact period and reach out to your ex?
The answer is different for everyone, but here are some positive signs that you’re ready to reach out:
- You’re not thinking about your ex every second of the day.
- You don’t feel angry or hurt when you think about him.
- You feel like you could be calm and centered around your ex and not show any negative feelings that will scare him away.
- You’ve made a positive change in your life, and you’re feeling like a better version of yourself.
- You’re excited about the idea of getting back together and giving him a second chance.
- You’ve dated other people, and you realize that your ex is the one you really want to be in a long-term relationship with.
- You’ve accepted that it might not work out, and you’re okay with that because your life is amazing regardless of any man.
10. Text him
The best way to reach out to your ex after the No Contact period is to send him a text message. This is a low-pressure way of getting back in touch because you can take your time crafting the perfect message, and you don’t have to think about what to say in the moment. Texting also allows you to build the attraction and anticipation in his mind before catching up in person.
What to send in your first text
When you text him for the first time, just saying ‘hey’ isn’t going to cut it. Your message should have three clear objectives:
- Start a conversation with him.
- Get him thinking about you again.
- Let him know that you have an awesome life.
The most effective way to achieve this is to tell him something fun or positive that’s happened to you recently and subtly weave him into the message. For example, you could say, “I was at this new club the other night, and I saw a guy who looked just like you! It made me think about you and wonder how you’ve been doing?”
At this stage, your texts should be very subtle. You’re not trying to remind your ex of your relationship or get him back – you’re just getting him thinking about you again and re-establishing contact.
How to continue the conversation
As you text with him, continue to keep it casual and light-hearted. Remember, you’re not trying to get him back at this stage. Your game plan is simply to re-establish contact and show him that you’re an awesome person to be around.
At this point, you need to send two other very important texts:
The first is to let him know that you’re completely over the breakup and think it’s for the best. You might think this will give you less power in the situation, but it actually does the opposite. When your ex sees that you’re completely over him and you can talk about the breakup without getting emotional, it will show him that you’re strong and confident – two very attractive qualities.
The second text lets him know that you’re sorry for your role in the breakup. Sincerely apologize for any bad behavior on your part, and let him know that you forgive him for any hurt he may have caused you. This will wipe the slate clean and give you a fresh start.
11. Set clear boundaries for yourself
Before you take the next step and arrange to catch up with him, you need to set clear boundaries. These will protect you from getting hurt again and ensure you’re both on the same page about what you want from a new relationship.
- You won’t chase him any more than he chases you – if he’s not putting in the effort to see you or talk to you, you won’t do it either.
- You won’t sleep with him until you’re officially back together. This prevents him from using you for sex and ensures that he’s genuinely interested in getting back together for the right reasons.
- You need a committed, healthy relationship – if he’s not ready for that, you’re not going to waste your time.
- You both need to agree to work through any issues that led to the breakup before you can get back together. This is essential for ensuring that the same problems don’t crop up again.
Related post: 35 ways to make a man commit (without pressuring him)
You don’t need to communicate these to your ex until you have a serious conversation about getting back together. Just keep them in the front of your mind as you move forward.
12. Arrange to meet him
It’s finally time to arrange to meet up with him. This is a crucial step, as it will allow you to gauge his level of interest and see if there’s a chance of getting back together. Your first meeting should be a very casual encounter – coffee or a drink in a neutral place is perfect.
When you meet him, make sure you’re in a good mood and feeling upbeat. Show him that you’re doing great without him and let him see how much fun you’re having. Seeing how much you’ve changed and how well you’re doing will create a little bit of jealousy and make him realize what he’s missing.
If you’re having a drink together, don’t drink too much. Alcohol will lower your inhibitions and encourage you to say or do something you’ll regret.
During the meeting, pay attention to his body language. Is he leaning in towards you? Making eye contact? Smiling? Trying to touch you? These are all good signs that he’s still interested in you.
If he’s seeing someone else, don’t give him the chance to talk about her. Subtly change the subject immediately and keep the focus on you. It’s not your job to provide him with relationship advice or listen to stories about his new girl.
End the meeting on a positive note, regardless of how it went. Thank him for meeting up with you, and let him know that you had a great time.
13. Be prepared to walk away
Your ex will probably try to test you in subtle ways the first time you meet. He wants to figure out how much you’ve really changed, whether you’re still into him, and whether he still has any power over you.
Testing you doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person – he’s just trying to assess the situation. Just remain confident and positive, and keep your negative emotions in check.
The second he disrespects you in any way, stand up and walk away. Don’t text him, call him, or reach out to him. You need to show him that you’re serious about setting boundaries and you won’t tolerate any bad behavior. At this point, he needs to come begging for forgiveness before you even agree to speak to him again.
14. How to talk about getting back together
If your ex brings up the idea of getting back together, you should initially act hesitant and even a little bit skeptical. Let him know that you’re open to the idea, but you’ll need to take it very slowly and work on solving any issues that led to the breakup first.
This is where your boundaries from earlier come into play. Have an open and honest conversation about what went wrong and what needs to change before you can even think about getting back together.
If it doesn’t look like he’s ever going to bring up the topic, you might need to take matters into your own hands. Let him know that you’ve enjoyed spending time with him, and you’d be open to the idea of getting back together, but only if certain things change.
Be prepared for him to say no – after all, he might have moved on and be happy with his current situation. If this happens, all the hard work you’ve done during No Contact means that you’re happy, healthy, and ready to move on as well.
