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Are you feeling resentment towards your spouse? If so, you’re not alone. Many couples struggle with feelings of resentment at some point in their relationship.
If left unchecked, resentment can be very destructive to your marriage. It can build up over time and lead to feelings of bitterness, anger, and even hate. If you’re feeling resentful, it’s important to take action to address the issue rather than letting it fester in the background.
In this article, I’ll discuss the causes of resentment, look at the signs you’re feeling resentful, and show you how to fix resentment in a marriage.
Let’s get started.
What are the common causes of resentment?
Negative emotions like resentment and anger can be addictive because they give you a false feeling of power and control. It’s easy to get caught up in the downward spiral of negativity, but it’s important to remember that resentment is a toxic emotion and will ultimately damage your relationship.
It’s probably not surprising that resentment is one of the most common relationship issues. It occurs for a variety of reasons, and some are more serious than others.
Loss of trust or betrayal
One of the most common causes of resentment is a loss of trust in your relationship. This might happen due to a severe betrayal (like an affair) or result from many little things that have built up over time.
When you don’t trust your spouse, you’re constantly wondering what they’re up to, and you start to doubt their intentions. You resent the fact that they’ve hurt you and violated your trust, and you’re waiting for them to do it again.
Related post: How to save a marriage with trust issues (17 tips)
Lack of emotional intimacy & support
A healthy relationship requires emotional intimacy and support from both partners. If you feel like your spouse is emotionally distant or unavailable, it can lead to feelings of loneliness, isolation, and resentment.
This is a common issue for couples who have been together for a long time. As the years go by, it’s easy to take your partner for granted and assume they’ll always be there. But if you don’t make an effort to nurture your intimate relationship, it can slowly start to die.
Lack of equality
When one partner in a marriage feels like they are doing all the work, it’s only natural that they’ll start to feel resentful. This often happens when couples have children, and one parent feels like they’re carrying most of the load.
It can also happen in marriages where one partner earns significantly more money than the other. In these cases, the breadwinner may feel like they’re carrying the weight of the entire family while their spouse has a great time doing whatever they want.
Of course, it’s important to remember that no relationship is ever wholly equal, and there will always be some areas where one person does more than the other. But if you’re constantly feeling like you’re doing all the work, it’s time to have a conversation with your spouse about how you’re feeling.
Selfish & inconsiderate behavior
There are all kinds of selfish behaviors that can lead to resentment in a marriage. Maybe they always choose to do what they want, without considering your feelings or needs. Or perhaps they’re always taking advantage of you, and you feel like a doormat. These inconsiderate behaviors can quickly add up and make you feel like your spouse doesn’t respect you.
Constant arguing
Arguing all the time is stressful and draining, and it takes a massive toll on your relationship. If you find yourself constantly arguing with your spouse without any resolution to your problems, one (or both) of you is likely feeling resentment.
All couples argue occasionally, but the key is to learn how to argue constructively. This means listening to each other, trying to see the other person’s perspective, and learning how to compromise.
Feeling ignored & unappreciated
If you’re constantly feeling ignored or unappreciated, it’s only natural that you’ll start to resent your spouse.
Perhaps you feel like they don’t listen to you or value your opinions. Or maybe they never show you any appreciation, even though you’re always doing things for them. These types of behaviors can make you feel invisible and unimportant, and it’s only a matter of time before resentment sets in.
It’s important to remember that feeling unappreciated is often a result of poor communication. If you don’t tell your spouse what you need or how you’re feeling, they can’t read your mind.
What are the signs of resentment in a marriage?
Resentment is a toxic emotion because it creeps up on you slowly, and it’s often hard to recognize until it’s too late. But there are some warning signs that you can watch out for:
Closing yourself off emotionally & physically
Putting up emotional and physical walls between you and your partner is a common problem when feeling resentful. You may find yourself emotionally withdrawing from your spouse or avoiding physical affection altogether.
Closing off is a defense mechanism to protect yourself from getting hurt. But it can quickly lead to an emotional disconnection in your marriage, which will create a vicious cycle of resentment and only make the problem worse.
Loss of attraction
Resentment often leads to emotional disconnection, making it difficult to feel attracted to your partner. In some cases, the loss of attraction may also be a physical response to the stress and anxiety that resentment can cause.
Decreased sex drive, less interest in physical affection, and a general loss of interest in your partner are common signs that resentment has started to take a toll on your marriage.
Intentionally trying to hurt your partner
Feelings of resentment may even lead you to start deliberately trying to hurt your partner. This might manifest in small ways, like leaving passive-aggressive notes around the house or making snide comments about their looks or behavior. Or it could be something more serious, like having an affair or deliberately sabotaging your partner’s efforts to improve your relationship.
Passive-aggressive behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is when you express your feelings indirectly through actions instead of directly communicating with your spouse.
For example, if your partner asks you to do something and you say “okay” but then don’t do it, that’s passive-aggressive behavior. Or if you say “I’m fine” when you’re clearly not, that’s passive-aggressive communication.
Passive-aggressive behavior is commonly associated with resentment because it allows you to get back at your partner while avoiding conflict or dealing with your feelings.
Fixating on past mistakes
It’s tempting to dredge up past mistakes your partner has made to fuel your feelings of resentment. Instead of forgiving and forgetting, you fixate on past experiences and hold onto grudges as ammunition in future arguments. Even small things that your partner did years ago can become magnified when you feel resentful.
Fixating on the past is a destructive pattern because it keeps you from moving forward. It also creates a sense of victimization, making you feel more resentful.
Avoiding or ignoring your partner
Avoidance is a common defense mechanism when you’re feeling resentful. If you’re constantly ignoring or avoiding your partner, it’s a sign that you’re trying to protect yourself from the feelings of anger and disappointment that resentment can cause.
Of course, avoidance is not a healthy solution because it will only lead to further emotional distance in your marriage. If you’re avoiding your partner, it’s essential to take a step back and understand why you’re feeling that way.
Criticizing & finding faults with your partner
Making snarky comments or calling out your partner’s faults is a way to get back at them for all the ways they’ve hurt or disappointed you. It also gives you a feeling of control, which helps mask the underlying insecurity and vulnerability that resentment can create. It’s also a way to distance yourself from your spouse emotionally. After all, it’s difficult to feel close to someone when you’re constantly criticizing them.
Badmouthing your partner to other people
Understandably, feeling angry, disappointed, and resentful makes you want to vent your frustrations. But badmouthing your partner to friends or family members is a toxic way to deal with your feelings.
Most importantly, it breaks down the trust and respect essential to a healthy marriage. Even if your partner has done something to hurt or disappoint you, it’s not fair to paint them in a negative light to other people. A much better solution is to talk to your partner directly about your issues.
How to fix resentment in your marriage
The good news is that feeling resentment doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. Here are 15 practical steps you can take to fix the resentment in your marriage.
1. Figure out the cause of the resentment
The first step is to understand what’s causing the resentment in the first place. Is it something your partner did or said? Is it a behavior they need to change? Or is it something more deep-seated, like unresolved anger from your childhood?
There’s no right or wrong answer, but understanding the source of the resentment can help you figure out how to best communicate with your partner and start healing.
2. Be honest about the way you feel
When figuring out why you feel resentful, it’s very important to be honest about the actual cause of the resentment. It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking you’re resentful about one thing when the real issue is something much more complex.
For example, you might be finding fault with your partner to mask personal insecurities or unresolved anger from your childhood or past relationships. Or perhaps you have completely unrealistic expectations for your marriage, which leads to a feeling of constant disappointment.
3. Identify what behaviors trigger resentful feelings
If your resentment is linked to something your partner does or says, think about what specific behaviors or actions trigger those feelings of anger and resentment. It could be the way they talk to you, the things they do (or don’t do), or even their demeanor.
It’s also important to think about how often these behaviors occur and how long you’ve felt resentful. If the behavior is a recent development, it will be easier to address than something that’s been going on for years.
4. Talk to your spouse and explain your needs
At this point, it’s time to have an honest conversation with your partner about the resentment you’re feeling. It will be a difficult conversation, but it’s essential to explain how their actions or words make you feel.
Be as specific as possible and use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “you never help around the house,” try, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to do everything myself.”
It’s also important to share your needs and explain what would make you feel better in the relationship. For example, if you’re feeling resentful because you’re doing all the housework, you might say, “I need your help with the housework, so I don’t feel like I’m doing everything myself.”
5. Listen and understand their perspective
To have a productive conversation, you also need to listen carefully to your spouse and try to understand their perspective. They may have a totally different way of looking at the situation, and you need to be mindful of their point of view.
When your spouse is talking, don’t interrupt and really try to understand what they’re saying. Even if you disagree with them, show that you’re listening and trying to see things from their perspective.
6. Apologize if required
It’s doubtful the problems in your marriage are entirely one-sided, and it’s important to take responsibility for your role in the relationship. If you’re feeling resentful, you’ve likely been acting in a way that isn’t helping the situation.
Even if you think your partner is entirely to blame, apologizing for your part shows your partner that you’re willing to take responsibility for your actions and that you want to find a way to move forward.
7. Work together to come up with a solution
Once you’ve both had a chance to share your perspectives, it’s time to work together to develop a solution. This may be easier said than done, but it’s crucial to find a way to move forward that works for both of you.
For example, if you’re resentful because you feel like you’re doing all the housework, you and your partner could come up with a plan to divide the chores more evenly. Or, if you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, you might agree to spend more time together doing things that you both enjoy.
Remember that any solution will require both of you to make some changes in your behavior. If you’re not willing to change, it’s unlikely that the solution will be successful.
8. Accept their flaws
Keep in mind that you married your partner because you love them, flaws and all. No one is perfect, and you have to accept your partner for who they are. This doesn’t mean that you have to put up with bad behavior, but it does mean that you should try to understand and accept their imperfections.
9. Focus on your partner’s good qualities
By the same token, it’s important to focus on your partner’s good qualities and remember why you fell in love with them in the first place. When you’re feeling resentful, it’s easy to only see their negative qualities, but try to focus on the positive as well.
10. Practice forgiveness
One of the most important skills you can learn in marriage is how to forgive your partner when they make a mistake. This doesn’t mean you have to forget about what happened, but it does mean letting go of resentment and bitterness.
Even when you’ve made a plan to get your marriage back on track, there will inevitably be setbacks. When these happen, it’s important to forgive your partner and move on.
If you’re having trouble forgiving your partner, it may help to think about how you would want to be treated if you were in their shoes. Would you like your partner to hold a grudge against you forever? Or would you want them to be able to forgive and move on?
11. Spend quality time together
Resentment often leads to physical and emotional distance between partners. When you’re feeling close to your partner, it’s much easier to let go of resentment and focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.
There are many different ways to spend quality time together, and you just need to find a fun activity that works for both of you. It may be as simple as taking a walk together every night or planning weekly date nights.
Whatever you do, the important thing is that there are no distractions, and you can focus on having a good time and enjoying each other’s company.
12. Practice effective communication
The best thing you can do to improve your marriage is learn how to communicate with each other more effectively. Be honest about your feelings, listen to your partner without judgment, and work together to solve your problems.
If you’re not sure how to communicate better, many resources are available to help. You may want to consider attending a marriage retreat or counseling, reading books on the subject, or even taking a class. Good communication is a skill that you can practice and improve over time.
13. Learn how to argue constructively
It sounds strange that there’s a proper way to argue, but it’s true. If you and your partner can learn how to argue constructively, it will do wonders for your marriage.
The key is to avoid attacking each other personally and focus on the issue at hand. It’s also important to listen to each other and try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Take turns speaking, avoid interrupting each other, and work together to solve the actual problem.
Unresolved issues from arguments are one of the primary sources of resentment in marriage, so make sure that you’re arguing in a way that will actually lead to resolution.
14. Consider getting professional help
Relationships are complicated, and sometimes an outside perspective can help you see things more clearly. If you and your partner struggle to work through your issues, consider getting professional help from a marriage counselor or relationship therapist.
Marriage counseling can help you identify the root of your resentment and give you practical tools to help improve your relationship. In some cases, they may even be able to help you resolve conflicts that you thought were impossible to fix.
15. Celebrate your progress
When you start to feel like your relationship is getting back on track, take time out and celebrate your progress. This will help you stay motivated and focused on the positive aspects of your relationship.
Plan a special date night or weekend getaway where you can relax and enjoy each other’s company. Or, simply take a few minutes each day to reflect on how far you’ve come and what you’re doing right.
No matter how small the victory, celebrating your progress is an important part of moving forward.
Final thoughts
Fixing resentment in a marriage isn’t easy, but it is possible if you and your partner are willing to do the work. The key is identifying the source of the resentment, open and honest communication, and making a concrete plan to move forward.
If you’re struggling to let go of resentment, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. A therapist can give you the tools you need to improve your relationship and help you move on from the hurt and pain of the past.
