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Does your marriage feel like it’s on the rocks, and there’s no way out except a painful and messy divorce?
Dealing with a failing marriage is one of the most stressful and anxiety-inducing times you’ll ever experience in your life. Especially if there are kids involved and all your finances are tied up with your spouse.
You’re also probably getting a lot of conflicting advice from family and friends on what to do. “You just need to work at it harder” is a typical response. All this advice is well-intentioned, but it doesn’t really help. If you think your marriage is worth saving, you need a set of actionable steps you can take to get things back on track.
Remember when you first got married? You were passionately in love and excited about building a future together with your spouse. The good news is, it is possible to get back to that feeling and recapture the love and passion you once shared.
1. Take responsibility for your actions
The first thing you need to do is take responsibility for your own actions. This means no more blaming your partner for everything wrong in the relationship.
It also means owning up to your mistakes and forgiving your spouse for theirs, even if they don’t deserve it. Because let’s face it, we’re all human, and we all make mistakes. If you can’t seem to get past the anger, bitterness, and resentment, then your marriage will never heal. You have to start fresh with a clean slate if you want things to improve.
This doesn’t mean pretending like everything is okay when it’s not – it just means being honest about how you feel while still working towards resolution and understanding. A great way to do this is to write down how you’re feeling in a journal. This will help you track your progress and see how far you’ve come.
2. Focus on yourself
Throughout the entire process of fixing your marriage, it’s essential to focus on your own mental and physical health. This means doing things that make you happy and spending time with friends and family who support you.
Make sure you get plenty of exercise, lots of sleep, and eat a balanced diet – both your body and mind will thank you for it. When you’re the best version of yourself, it’ll be easier to work on creating the best version of your marriage.
Avoid negative influences and people who bring you down. People who only want to talk about the bad things happening in your life will only make you feel worse.
Practicing mindfulness is also a great way to stay in control of your emotions and not let them get the best of you. When you practice loving yourself, it’ll be much easier to stay positive and focus on fixing your broken marriage.
The most important thing is not to give up. Don’t hesitate to get professional help or reach out to loved ones when you’re having a tough time.
3. Forgive the past & commit to the future
Forgiveness is crucial if you want to move on from the past and commit to a brighter future.
It can be challenging to forgive someone who has hurt us deeply, but it’s essential if you want to have any chance of repairing your broken marriage.
The first step is acknowledging how you feel and giving yourself time to process everything that’s happened. Once you’re ready, try writing a letter of forgiveness (to yourself or your spouse) expressing how you feel and what you’ve forgiven them for. It doesn’t need to belong, but it should be honest and heartfelt.
It also helps to try and remember all the good things about your spouse and the happy moments you’ve shared together. This will remind you of why you fell in love in the first place and help reignite those feelings.
Remember that you’re both fighting for your marriage and working towards the same goal – a happy, healthy future.
4. Learn how to argue the right way
Learning how to argue the right way can be challenging, especially if you and your partner have very different ways of communicating.
When you argue productively, each person has an opportunity to say how they feel and how they’re being affected by what’s going on.
In contrast, toxic arguing is one of the most significant factors that will cause a loss of respect in your marriage and lead to contempt and dislike for your spouse.
There are a few key things you can both focus on to make sure your arguments are constructive:
- Don’t make personal attacks on your spouse that are entirely unrelated to what you’re arguing about.
- Always be respectful of your spouse’s feelings and opinions. Even if you disagree with what they’re saying, give them time to finish and acknowledge that you’ve heard them and you understand.
- Keep your tone civil and avoid sarcastic comments or name-calling.
- Focus on solving the problem, not winning the argument.
- Take a break if things get too heated – you can always come back to it later when both of you have had a chance to calm down.
- It’s also vital that you apologize and forgive each other whenever necessary. You mustn’t let arguments go unresolved and fester into simmering resentment.
5. Rebuild your emotional intimacy
If the emotional intimacy has gone from your marriage, there are things you can do to start rebuilding it.
Showing appreciation for your spouse is a great way to start – it can be as simple as saying “thank you” for the things they do, big or small.
Making time for each other is also essential, even if it’s just 15-20 minutes every day where you talk about your day and how you’re feeling.
Little displays of physical affection like hugging and kissing are also important – it’s a way to reconnect and show how much you still care for each other.
If your spouse feels like they’re always the one putting in all the effort, try taking on a new role that will make them feel special and loved. It could be something as simple as cooking their favorite meal or doing the dishes without being asked.
6. Be honest about your sexual needs
Is a lack of sexual intimacy or unmet sexual needs at the root of your marriage problems? If so, you need to start talking about how to fix it.
The simple truth is that everyone has different sexual needs to feel connected and loved. In some cases, you might easily change things like how often you have sex or what kinds of activities are involved to satisfy you both.
Come up with compromises that will work for everyone involved so neither spouse feels taken advantage of or disrespected. You may even find that you’re closer than ever before by making these changes!
7. Reaffirm your personal boundaries
Any successful marriage involves making a lot of compromises and trying to adapt to how your spouse thinks and how they want to do things.
But there are lines you shouldn’t be willing to cross just for the sake of maintaining a peaceful marriage, no matter how much your partner wants it or how hard they’re pushing for it.
If your partner is violating your personal boundaries, you must let them know how it makes you feel right away. They might not even realize they’re doing it, so it’s essential that you talk about how you expect to be treated.
It’s also important that you reaffirm your boundaries regularly – things can change over time, and what was once okay might not be okay anymore.
The best way to save your marriage
If you’re looking for a practical guide to saving your marriage without expensive counseling, I recommend you check out Mend the Marriage by Brad Browning.
There are many marriage-saving guides out there, but Mend the Marriage is by far the most detailed guide I’ve ever seen. No matter what issues you’re facing in your marriage, Brad will have helpful advice for your situation and answer all your “what if” scenarios.”
Mend the Marriage contains hundreds of real-world examples tested on married couples. For example, the section on how to handle arguments will show you effective techniques to instantly stop a fight in its tracks without any lingering resentment.
The best part is that Mend the Marriage will work even if your spouse isn’t interested. In fact, Brad believes it’s better if you take the first steps on your own. His powerful psychological techniques will rewire your spouse’s perception of you and subconsciously rebuild their attraction before they even know what’s happening.
Brad claims that almost all marriages can be saved. That’s a bold claim, but I believe him after reading Mend the Marriage. Brad is a certified relationship counselor and has spent over a decade helping men and women repair their broken relationships. His experience has helped him develop dozens of unique and groundbreaking techniques I’ve never seen anywhere else.
Check out Brad’s free video to learn more about Mend the Marriage. It might make the difference between “divorced and lonely” and “happily ever after.”
8. Restore trust with each other
Rebuilding trust is essential if you want to fix your marriage. It’s not going to be easy, and it might take a long time, but if you’re both willing to work at it, then there’s no reason why it can’t be done.
The first step is being completely honest with each other – share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences openly and without judgment.
If you’ve been caught cheating, lying, or hiding things from your spouse, you need to come clean and apologize for your actions. It’s also crucial that you don’t keep secrets from each other in the future. If something bothers you or makes you unhappy, talk about it with your spouse instead of keeping it bottled up inside.
Lastly, try not to react defensively when your spouse does something that hurts or upsets you. Instead, try to understand how they’re feeling and why they did what they did.
9. Make a financial plan together
Financial stress is one of the leading causes of marital problems, so it’s important to address any money-related issues as soon as possible.
One way to do this is by creating a financial plan together. Both of you should be on the same page regarding how much you spend and what is classified as a discretionary purchase.
If one of you is handling all the finances, now is an excellent time to start sharing that responsibility with the other. It’s also essential to have an emergency fund saved up if something unexpected happens down the road.
10. Plan for the future together
One of the most effective ways to fix your broken marriage is to spend time thinking about how you want your marriage to look in the future.
What do you both see as a happy and healthy relationship? What would that even look like for the two of you specifically? Do your goals and dreams for your life and relationship align, or do you have different ones?
Start talking about these things and see if you can agree on how you both want your relationship to progress. If not, that’s okay – it doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. It just means you need to work a little bit harder on communicating with each other.
11. Become your spouse’s confidant
One of the most amazing aspects of being married is having someone you can talk to about anything and know that they’ll never judge or criticize you.
Having a strong, trusted connection with your spouse is vital for any marriage – it’s how two people become one unit. If you’ve lost this connection in your marriage, it’s important to work on rebuilding it.
One way to do this is by becoming your spouse’s confidant – be there for them when they need someone to talk to, and offer support without judgment. And in turn, go to them for advice when you need help and make sure you appreciate their support. You’ll be amazed at how much stronger your marriage will become as a result.
12. Maintain your independence
A healthy marriage also means that each partner maintains their own independence.
This doesn’t mean you have to go off and do your own thing all the time, but it does mean that you shouldn’t rely on your spouse for everything. Have your own hobbies, interests, and friends – spend time doing things that make you happy and don’t involve your spouse.
This will help keep things fresh in your marriage and prevent either of you from feeling smothered or trapped. Plus, it’s always good to have something to talk about other than just how your day went!
It’s also vital that you don’t fall into the trap of defining your own sense of self-worth through your relationship. You are more than just your marriage and family, and you should never forget that.
13. Plan quality time together
There’s no doubt that marriage is hard work, but it should also be a lot of fun! Try to find a way to spend quality time together every week, whether going on a date night or taking a weekend trip. Whatever you choose, make sure you’re doing something that makes both of you happy.
This will help keep the passion and excitement alive in your marriage and prevent things from becoming too serious. Live, laugh, and love together!
What are the signs of a broken marriage?
Before we discuss everything you can do to repair your broken relationship, it’s important to look at all the potential reasons your marriage has reached breaking point. Understanding all the major issues will make it much easier to take the next step and get things back on track.
1. You constantly bicker and argue
A certain amount of fighting and arguing is normal in any relationship. But if you and your spouse are constantly at each other’s throats, it’s definitely a sign your marriage is broken.
There are many reasons why couples fight, and how you argue is just as important as how often. Do you both listen to each other and try to understand the other person’s point of view? Or do you just wait for your chance to shout out what you think without any regard for what they’re saying?
A major red flag is when your arguments quickly move away from the reason the fight started and devolve into personal attacks and criticisms. For example, let’s say you’re fighting because you think your spouse isn’t doing their fair share of the household chores. Instead of keeping the argument focused on the actual problem, you start calling them “lazy,” and “useless,” etc.
2. There’s a lack of communication
Effective communication skills are vitally important for any relationship, especially marriage. You need to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse, and they need to do the same with you.
Without open and honest communication, there’s no way for your partner to know how you feel or what you need from them to feel happy and satisfied. It’s sometimes easy to forget that neither of you are mind readers. You can’t make a positive change to your behavior unless you understand how it’s impacting your spouse.
You might also be having problems communicating if you constantly misunderstand what your partner is saying or take their words the wrong way. Whenever there’s a miscommunication, it creates more distance and further destroys your relationship.
Without good communication strategies, it’s going to be impossible to fix your broken marriage. You’ll constantly be talking at cross purposes because one of you doesn’t fully “get” why the other is having such a hard time (and vice versa).
3. The respect is gone
A lack of respect is one of the most common reasons marriages break down. It’s very difficult to feel love and affection for someone you don’t respect.
Respect is something that needs to be earned, and it’s not always easy to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt – especially if they’ve done something to hurt or betray you. But if you want to save your marriage, it’s important to at least try to see things from their perspective and understand why they did what they did.
When respect starts to erode, it’s usually because one or both partners have stopped seeing their spouse as an individual separate from themselves. They only see them as an extension of themselves and not someone who has their own wants and needs.
This can manifest itself in many different ways. For example, you might start talking down to your partner, ignoring their feelings or opinions, rolling your eyes when they speak, or constantly talking over them. Over time, these negative feelings and behaviors will take their toll, and the relationship will suffer.
Recommended reading: 21 signs your wife doesn’t love you anymore (and what to do)
4. There’s a lack of trust
There are lots of reasons why trust can disappear in a marriage, but usually, it’s because one or both partners have done something to break that trust.
The most common cause of loss of trust is when one person has been unfaithful, but it can also be caused by lying, withholding information, or being emotionally unavailable.
Once trust is gone, the only way to get it back is through a lot of patience, time, and effort. You need to be able to rebuild that trust brick by brick until your relationship is stronger than it was before.
5. You’re in competition with your spouse
Do you feel like you and your spouse are constantly in competition with each other and always keeping score?
Humans are naturally competitive, but it can become a huge source of anger and resentment when it extends into your marriage.
Here are a few clues that might tell you you’re in a competitive marriage:
- If your spouse fails at something or does a poor job, you secretly feel happy and superior.
- If your spouse has success, you don’t feel happy for them and wish they had failed.
- You hate the idea of your spouse trying anything that you’re good at because you’re worried they will be better at it than you.
All these examples are signs that you’re not working together as a team to support each other’s goals and dreams.
6. You’re constantly blaming each other
Playing the blame game is a common issue in broken marriages where communication and trust have broken down. Partners in a blame fueled marriage will immediately point the finger at their spouse rather than taking responsibility for their own actions.
For example, if you have an argument, instead of trying to understand why your partner is upset, you’ll just keep saying “it’s your fault.” This will only make the situation worse and further damage your relationship.
7. You can’t compromise on anything
Marriages are all about compromise, and you’re not always going to get everything you want. If you can’t reach an agreement on even the little things, how will you ever make your marriage work in the long term?
Lack of compromise is a sign that both partners are selfish and unwilling to sacrifice for each other or the relationship. It’s also an indication that they’re looking out for themselves, not their partner (which again leads to a lack of trust).
Both partners need to respect each other as individuals and be willing to listen carefully when making decisions that affect both of them.
It’s important to note there are some things that you should never compromise on in a relationship. Some examples are:
- Your values, beliefs, and convictions. It doesn’t matter if these are political, social, religious, or anything else you hold true.
- Your relationship with your friends and family. Your spouse doesn’t have to like them, but they should never try to stop you from having a loving relationship with them.
- Your goals, dreams, and aspirations.
- Your personal boundaries, both emotional and physical.
8. The emotional intimacy is gone
If the emotional intimacy has disappeared from your marriage, it’s a clear sign that you’re in an unhappy marriage.
A happily married couple will share their thoughts, feelings, fears, and dreams with each other. Even if they’re going through a rough patch, they will still find ways to connect on an emotional level.
On the other hand, couples in an unhappy marriage often stop confiding in each other and start to build up resentment. If you’re not sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with your spouse, it’s a sign that the emotional intimacy has gone out of your marriage.
In some cases, this can be one-sided, with one partner always giving but never receiving anything in return. A classic example of this is the emotionally unavailable man, who can’t or doesn’t want to open up and share his feelings.
Keep in mind that emotional intimacy is very different from physical intimacy. A marriage can survive without sex, but it’s unlikely to last without emotional intimacy. If you can’t remember the last time your partner made you feel special, loved, or essential, it might be time to rethink how your marriage is going.
If you and your spouse don’t have a solid emotional bond, how will you ever learn to trust each other? How can you build a future with someone who doesn’t know how they make you feel or how important they are to you?
9. You feel like you’ve lost your identity
Losing your sense of identity in a marriage is a very dangerous and toxic situation to be in.
At its core, losing your identity means that you stop thinking about how you feel or what you need and devote yourself to what your spouse wants. Your own goals, dreams, and aspirations fade away, and you only live vicariously through your partner. In extreme cases, you might even forget what your own likes, dislikes, and opinions even are.
In many cases, this happens because you have an overbearing or even abusing spouse who completely dominates you. But it can also happen when your spouse doesn’t try to control your life. You just have the kind of personality that naturally gives too much of yourself away to make your partner happy.
If any of this sounds like your experience, you must take steps to find yourself again and recapture what it means to be “you.”
10. You no longer share the same values & goals
People change over time, and so do their values, goals, and aspirations. This isn’t always a bad thing, but it can signify trouble in paradise when those changes are radical or happen very quickly.
When your fundamental values no longer match up with your spouse’s, it becomes increasingly difficult to build anything lasting or meaningful together. You’ll always be at odds because you want different things out of life.
11. There’s physical or emotional abuse
If you feel trapped in your marriage because of physical or emotional abuse, this is a situation that needs to be addressed immediately.
Any form of bullying, intimidation, and fear should never be tolerated for one second. It’s not enough to simply walk away from it – you need to get help through the proper channels to protect your own safety.
In some cases, spouses can become controlling or abusive after they have lost their emotional connection with their partner. They do whatever they can to hold on tightly and stop them from drifting away.
When most people think of abusive relationships, they imagine physical violence of some kind. But the truth is that emotional abuse can be just as devastating to the victims involved.
For example, gaslighting is where your partner tries to make you doubt your own sanity by constantly manipulating and twisting the facts until you start to question yourself. They use this to control you, dominate you, and make you feel like they’re doing it all in your best interest.
Another common form of abuse is financial. When one spouse completely controls how money is spent, they can use it as a weapon of control.
Final thoughts
There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage – every relationship has its ups and downs. What’s important is how you deal with the tough times. If you’re willing to put in the hard work, you can fix your broken marriage and make it even stronger than before.
