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Does your husband or boyfriend act like an emotionally immature man-child? Does he expect everything to revolve around him? Does he never consider your feelings, refuse to compromise, and blame others for his bad decisions?
Emotionally immaturity is the inability to process and manage emotions effectively. It’s normal for children to act emotionally immature since they’re still learning to cope with their feelings. But when a grown man acts like a child, it can be very destructive to your relationship.
In this article, I’ll help you spot the signs you’re with an emotionally immature man and give you some practical tips for dealing with him. It will be hard work, but if you’re patient and consistent, you may be able to help him grow up and act his age.
Signs your partner is emotionally immature
Before discussing dealing with an immature boyfriend or husband, we first need to identify all the common immature behaviors.
1. He always needs to get his way
An emotionally immature man refuses to compromise and will get angry and defensive when he doesn’t get his way. He will argue, give you the silent treatment, and do everything to make you feel guilty.
He’s also likely a bully and will use threats, intimidation, or emotional games to undermine your confidence and make sure he gets what he wants.
2. He has commitment issues
Committing to a long-term relationship takes maturity and a willingness to sacrifice some of your freedom. An emotionally immature partner will often struggle to commit to you and insist on keeping things “casual” for much longer than usual.
Look out for a history of short-term romantic relationships or a pattern of breaking up with partners just as things start to get serious.
3. He’s clingy and needy
Even though he’s afraid of commitment, a man-child will often be clingy and need constant reassurance and validation. He’ll get jealous easily, check up on you constantly, or become possessive and controlling. This is because he has low self-esteem and relies on others to make him feel good about himself.
4. He’s still dependent on his parents
Does your partner constantly run back to his mom or dad when he has a problem and expect them to do things for him? As an adult, still relying on his parents shows that he hasn’t entirely separated from his childhood and can’t handle his own problems in a mature way.
5. He’s selfish
Selfishness or narcissistic tendencies are often the hallmarks of an emotionally immature man. He won’t think of your feelings or consider your perspective and will make decisions based on what’s best for him. This selfishness comes from a lack of empathy and an inability to see things from another person’s viewpoint.
6. He can’t handle stress
Emotionally immature men don’t deal with stress in healthy ways. Instead of using constructive coping mechanisms (like talking about their problems), they might throw a temper tantrum or lash out in anger.
Your immature husband or boyfriend might have a history of quitting jobs or getting fired, or he might struggle to cope with day-to-day stressors like bills, work, or managing a household. Even having a bad day might send him into an emotional tailspin.
7. He never helps you out
It’s reasonable to expect your partner to provide emotional support and help you with chores, bills, or child-rearing. But an emotionally immature man will completely shirk his responsibilities. While he’s sitting around playing video games, he expects you to work, clean the house, and drop everything whenever he wants your attention.
8. He can’t control himself
Poor impulse control is a massive red flag that you’re dealing with an emotionally immature guy. He might yell at you in public when he’s feeling stressed, throw a tantrum at inappropriate times, or even be physically violent.
He also doesn’t think through the consequences of his actions and might waste money, engage in risky behavior, or make impulsive decisions without considering the long-term effects.
9. He won’t take responsibility for his actions
Once he’s created a mess, a man-child will never take responsibility for his actions or apologize. Instead, he will deflect blame, make excuses, and even lie to avoid being held accountable for his childish behaviors.
10. His friendships are all surface level
A lack of depth in your partner’s friendships is another sign of emotional immaturity. Rewarding friendships require emotional maturity and a willingness to build emotional intimacy. His relationships will likely be superficial, and he’ll show no interest in getting to know his friends on a deeper level.
11. He needs to be the center of attention
Even if he doesn’t have close friends, he always needs to be the center of attention. He’ll hog conversations, make everything about him, and get offended if he’s not getting the constant validation and attention he craves.
12. He never learns from his mistakes
Being impulsive wouldn’t be so bad if he at least learned from his mistakes. But an emotionally immature man will continue to make the same bad decisions over and over again. Even worse, he’ll play the victim card and hold a grudge against anyone who tries to call him out on his behavior.
13. He doesn’t respect your boundaries
A selfish and immature man will often disrespect your boundaries. He’ll invade your personal space, ignore your wishes, and steamroll over you to get what he wants. As I’ll discuss in the next section, enforcing your boundaries is key to dealing with an emotionally stunted man.
How to deal with an emotionally immature man
Okay, you’ve determined that your partner is emotionally immature, and you think he’s worth saving. Here are some tips for dealing with immature guys that won’t grow up.
1. Identify his immature behavior
The first thing you need to do is identify what behavior is causing problems in the relationship. Is he being selfish? Is he irresponsible? Once you know what you’re dealing with, you can address the issue.
2. Have a serious conversation with him
Unless you talk to him about his behavior, he’ll never have any incentive to change. Make it clear that his bad behavior is unacceptable and hurtful to you, and let him know what you expect in the future.
If you blame him or criticize him, he’ll get angry or defensive, and the conversation won’t be productive. Instead, try to have a calm and rational discussion about why his behavior is problematic and how you’d like him to change.
The best way to approach this is to frame your thoughts in terms of how it makes you feel. Instead of saying, “You always hog the conversation,” try something like, “I feel left out when you dominate the conversation, and I can’t get a word in.” This will sound less accusatory and help him understand your perspective.
3. Set boundaries
The key to dealing with an emotionally immature man is setting healthy boundaries and enforcing them consistently.
For example, if he’s being selfish, make it clear that you’re not going to tolerate it anymore and set a boundary. For example, you might say, “I’m not going to do all the household chores by myself. From now on, we will divide up the chores equally and take turns doing them.” The more specific you can be, the better. In this example, you could make a schedule and tick off each chore as he completes it.
4. Hold him accountable
Every time he violates your boundaries, make sure he knows that it’s unacceptable. This will help him understand that his behavior has consequences and that you’re serious about not tolerating it.
For little things, remind him that he’s stepped over the line and tell him why his behavior is hurtful. But for more serious offenses, you might need to take more decisive action, including threatening to end the relationship.
5. Be prepared to leave him
The important thing is that you follow through on your threats and don’t let him get away with bad behavior. If you threaten to leave him if he doesn’t change his ways, you need to be prepared to follow through. Ensure you have a backup plan, such as a safe place to stay and a job to support yourself.
Being with an emotionally immature man is stressful, exhausting, and can seriously damage your self-esteem. If you’ve given him every chance to change and he’s still unwilling to grow up, it might be time to leave the relationship.
6. Take small steps to change his behavior
A man-child won’t change overnight, and you need to be patient and consistent in your efforts. Start by setting him small goals, like doing a single household chore or giving you five minutes of undivided attention. If you see positive progress, you can gradually increase your expectations and push him further out of his comfort zone.
7. Don’t rescue him
When your partner’s immature behavior lands him in hot water, it can be tempting to come to his rescue. But this will only enable his bad behavior and make it worse in the long run. At the end of the day, he needs to learn the consequences of his actions and take responsibility for his own life. So, let him deal with the challenges he’s facing on his own and resist your urge to save him.
8. Don’t make excuses for him
Don’t make excuses for his bad behavior or try to rationalize it. Giving him a way out will make it harder for him to change and further damage your relationship.
For example, if he’s being selfish, don’t tell yourself that he’s just going through a tough time at work. It will only make it harder for you to hold him accountable and stick to your boundaries.
9. Have realistic expectations
Remember that helping an emotionally immature man change will be a slow and frustrating process. You need to have patience and set realistic expectations for how much he will change and how quickly. The important thing is to keep working on it and never give up hope. With time, love, and support, you can help him become the best version of himself.
10. Set an example for him
One of the best things you can do is set a good example for him to follow. Show him how a mature and responsible adult behaves in different situations and deals with negative emotions. Over time, he’ll understand what it means to be emotionally mature and hopefully begin to change his behavior.
11. Don’t take his behavior personally
It’s important to remember that his immature behavior is not your fault, and it’s not a reflection of your worth as a person or your value in the relationship.
Try to have compassion for him and understand that he’s dealing with his own stuff, like emotional baggage from his childhood. Focus on how much progress he’s made, and celebrate when his level of emotional maturity increases.
12. Avoid arguing with him
Emotionally immature people tend to argue about everything, and they’re not open to compromise. Avoid getting into arguments with him about minor things and always try to discuss his behavior calmly and rationally.
If he yells at you or treats you with disrespect, let him know that you won’t tolerate that kind of behavior and walk away from the situation until he calms down.
13. Get professional help
If you’re struggling to deal with your partner’s emotional immaturity, it might be helpful to seek out professional help. A couples counselor can provide you with guidance and strategies for dealing with his behavior and setting realistic progress expectations.
Even better, convincing your partner to get help from a therapist can be a significant step forward in getting him to change.
FAQs
Can an emotionally immature man change?
Emotional immaturity often stems from childhood trauma or a difficult upbringing. So, it’s not something your man can change overnight. However, it is possible to help an emotionally immature man change his behavior with time, patience, and effort.
Should I walk away from an emotionally immature man?
If you have set clear boundaries and your partner continues to treat you disrespectfully, it might be time to walk away from the relationship. However, you should never make this decision out of anger. Instead, take some time to think about what’s best for you and whether there are things you can do to help him change his behavior successfully.
What is peter pan syndrome?
Peter pan syndrome is another term for emotional immaturity, and it describes people who act like they’re still children and refuse to grow up or take responsibility for their lives. The word comes from the fictional story of Peter Pan, about a boy who lives in a fantasy world and never wants to grow up.
Peter Pan syndrome is a derogatory term, and it’s important to remember that emotional immaturity usually stems from deep-rooted issues that require empathy and understanding to correct.
Is emotional immaturity a mental illness?
Emotional immaturity is not a diagnosable mental illness. However, it can be a symptom of some underlying mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
