This post may include affiliate links to products we think you'll find useful. We may earn a small commission if you buy through these links. Read our affiliate disclosure.
Living with a husband who constantly criticizes you can be devastating to your self-esteem. The constant attacks on your character, personality, appearance, or how you do things make you feel worthless and powerless. You may even start to believe there’s something wrong with you, and that’s why he’s always finding fault.
If you’re struggling to deal with a critical husband, know that you’re not alone. Many women are dealing with a similar situation on a daily basis. It will take hard work and perseverance, but you can learn to deal with your husband’s criticism more effectively and help him see the error of his ways.
But first, let’s look at the difference between criticizing and complaining, discuss the signs your husband is overly critical and try to understand why he behaves this way.
What is the difference between complaining and criticizing?
The first thing to understand is the difference between complaints and criticism. Complaints are usually about specific things, such as behavior or action. The person making the complaint is looking to resolve the issue by fixing or improving it somehow.
On the other hand, criticism is more of an attack on your character or personality. There is no constructive purpose to criticism, and it only serves to tear the other person down.
Imagine that your husband doesn’t think you help out enough around the house. The critical way of expressing this frustration would be to say, “You’re so lazy! You never do anything around here!” On the other hand, the complaint-based way would be to say, “I really need you to help more with the housework.”
As you can see, the complaint statement explains the problem clearly and suggests a solution, whereas the criticism is much more hurtful and doesn’t offer any constructive way to move forward.
What are the signs of a critical husband?
If you’re not sure whether your husband is overly critical or not, look out for the following signs. Some of them are obvious, but others are much more subtle.
1. He accuses you of doing everything wrong
Nothing you ever do is correct in his eyes. If you make a mistake, he’s quick to point it out and make you feel bad about it. He also has no problem telling you how much better he could do things himself.
2. He often attacks your character or appearance
Even worse than attacking your abilities, he also attacks your character or how you look. He might say things like, “You’re so stupid!” or “You’re too fat to wear that!”
As you can see, these negative comments have nothing to do with specific actions or behaviors. They’re just verbal abuse meant to hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself.
3. He gets annoyed about things you have no control over
Criticizing things that you have no control over is a sign that your husband is taking out his anger or insecurities on you. Perhaps he criticizes the way you walk, your voice, or the way you laugh. This makes you feel bad about yourself, but it also prevents you from being comfortable with your true self.
4. He never compliments you
A good relationship is built on mutual respect, understanding, and appreciation for each other’s positive traits. If you never feel appreciated, it’s a sign your husband only sees the negative things about you and has no interest in celebrating your successes.
5. He micromanages everything you do
Does he question every decision you make? Does he want to be consulted about everything little thing you do? If your husband seems like he’s constantly looking over your shoulder, it’s clear that he doesn’t trust you and doesn’t respect your opinions or preferences.
6. He gets annoyed when you don’t do things the way he asks
Even if you do something perfectly well, he still gets annoyed if you don’t do it in the specific way he asked. This is a sign of an overly critical husband who is always looking for ways to find fault with you.
7. He doesn’t trust you to make decisions
A lack of trust is a common thread in many unhealthy relationships. If your husband doesn’t trust you to make decisions, it’s a sign that he doesn’t respect you or your ability to think for yourself.
Related post: How to save a marriage with trust issues (17 tips)
8. You feel controlled or dominated
Constant criticism is often accompanied by a feeling of being controlled or dominated. If your partner has to approve everything before you can take any action, this is a form of emotional abuse, and you need to make some serious changes in your relationship.
9. He has a negative attitude towards everything
Is he a generally pessimistic person? Does he always see the glass as half empty? If your husband constantly complains and finds fault with everything, it’s no surprise that he’s also continually criticizing you.
Why is your husband so critical?
There are several reasons why your husband might be overly critical. Whatever the reason, it’s essential to realize that his behavior has more to do with him than with you. In other words, his critical nature results from his own insecurities, fears, or unresolved issues.
1. He’s critical of himself
Critical people often hold themselves to very high standards and project these unrealistic expectations onto others. If your husband is very critical of himself, it might seem natural that he holds you to the same exacting standards.
2. He grew up in a very critical family
Being overly critical is often a learned behavior that developed in childhood. If your husband grew up with a critical parent, he might not be aware that there are healthier ways to communicate his feelings and opinions.
3. He feels insecure or inadequate
People are often critical of others as a way to deflect their own insecurities. If your husband constantly criticizes you, it may be because he’s struggling with his own flaws and imperfections. It makes him feel better about himself and allows him to feel more dominant and powerful in your relationship.
4. He has communication issues
You can solve most marital problems with good communication. Your husband may come across as very critical because he’s never learned how to express himself in a healthy and constructive way. Instead of asking for what he needs, he resorts to criticism to get his point across.
5. He’s going through a difficult time
Is it possible that your husband’s criticism is due to some outside stressor in his life? If he’s going through a tough time at work or dealing with personal issues, he may be taking out his frustration on you. Pointing out everything you do wrong might also help distract him from the more serious problems he’s dealing with.
6. He doesn’t realize how critical he sounds
There is also a chance that your husband doesn’t realize how critical he sounds. He may not be aware that his words are hurtful or that his tone is unkind. If this is the case, you need to talk to him about how his behavior makes you feel.
7. He’s resentful of something you’ve done
Holding on to a grudge can often lead to criticism. If your husband is harboring resentment towards you, it’s essential to talk about the issue and try to resolve it.
Related post: How to fix resentment in a marriage (15 practical tips)
8. He’s suffering from mental health issues
Mental health issues such as anxiety and depression might also cause your husband to become very critical. If you suspect that he is suffering from a mental health issue, it’s important to seek professional help.
How to deal with a critical husband
Okay, now that we’ve explored some of the possible reasons for your husband’s critical behavior, let’s discuss how you can deal with it.
1. Understand why he is so critical
Before you can start to deal with a critical husband, the first step is to understand the root cause of the problem. As I’ve already discussed, there are several possible reasons why he might be behaving this way.
2. Learn his patterns of behavior
To help figure out the cause, look for common patterns in his behavior. When did he start being overly critical? Is there a particular trigger that sets him off? Does it feel like he’s trying to belittle you to make himself feel better, or is there a legitimate problem he’s trying to point out?
It will be much easier to communicate with him honestly when you have a deeper understanding of his behavior patterns. For example, if he only gets critical when stressed or anxious, you can help him deal with his emotions more healthily. But if he likes to criticize you to make himself feel good, this is a much more serious issue that may require professional help.
3. Consider your reaction to his criticism
It’s also important to make sure your own behavior isn’t contributing to the problem. Are you overreacting to small things? Do you get defensive even when he’s trying to make a valid point? You need to be honest with yourself about how you’re handling his criticism. If you’re reacting in a way that’s making the situation worse, it will only give him more ammunition to use against you.
4. Communicate with him
Once you’ve taken some time to understand his behavior, it’s time to have a conversation with your husband about how his behavior affects you. This conversation should be respectful and understanding, but it should also be firm. Let him know that his criticism makes you feel belittled and hurt, and ask him to reconsider how he treats you.
You should talk about specific instances of his behavior and avoid generalizing or making accusations. For example, instead of saying, “you’re constantly putting me down,” you could say, “I felt hurt when you said blah because it made me feel like you think I’m not good enough.”
This is not an easy conversation to have, and there’s no guarantee that it will change anything. But in the long run, it’s better to have this conversation than let his behavior continue unchecked.
5. Show him compassion and understanding
Give him the benefit of the doubt if you don’t know the exact cause of his behavior. He may not even realize how critical he’s being or how much his behavior affects you. Show him compassion and understanding, and give him a chance to explain himself or apologize. This will help create a positive environment for you to have a productive conversation.
There’s also a good chance he might become defensive or angry when you confront him about his behavior. If this happens, try to stay calm and reasonable. Make it clear that you’re not trying to attack him but simply want to find a way to improve the situation.
6. Set boundaries
You also need to clearly establish your personal boundaries and communicate them to your husband. What types of criticism are you willing to tolerate, and what crosses the line? What kind of tone and language is acceptable to you?
He needs to know the rules and the consequences of breaking those rules. For example, if he does something small, it might be enough to call him out on it and remind him of your boundaries. But if he continues to treat you with disrespect, you may have to take serious action – including leaving the relationship.
7. Follow through on your threats
Make sure you’re willing to follow through on your threats. If you say you’ll leave if he doesn’t stop being so critical, you need to be prepared to pack your bags and walk out the door. Once he knows your threats are empty, he won’t take your concerns seriously.
8. Don’t let his behavior destroy your self-esteem
Constantly being criticized and belittled will eventually take a toll on your self-esteem, and you might even start to believe the things he says about you.
Keep reminding yourself that he’s wrong – you are a good person, and you deserve respect and kindness. And when he is being critical, focus on your positive qualities to keep your sense of self-worth intact.
Make sure that you surround yourself with family members and friends who can provide you with positive feedback and validation. A close friend can be a valuable sounding board and provide much-needed emotional support.
9. Offer him your help & support
If it turns out your man’s critical attitude results from feeling stressed or overwhelmed, give him your help and support.
Offer a friendly ear when he needs to vent or help him find ways to manage his stress and anxiety. Encourage him to open up to you and share what’s going on, so you can work together to find a solution. You should also make sure he’s taking care of himself by eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly.
And finally, make sure that you take good care of yourself. You can’t fix someone else’s problems if you’re dealing with your own issues – so don’t neglect your mental and emotional health while trying to help your husband.
10. Don’t blame yourself for his problems
Keep reminding yourself that he is the one with the problem, not you. You should try to help your husband and support him, but don’t blame yourself for his actions.
This can be a tricky line to walk, especially if he’s convinced you that his behavior is your fault. It’s vital that you maintain a healthy perspective and don’t let him make you feel bad about yourself.
11. Ask him how he would do things differently
When you’re being criticized, a simple way to deal with it is to ask him how he would do things differently.
For example, if he’s criticizing how you did the dishes, ask him how he would have done them differently. This will make him stop and think about what he’s saying and help him realize that his criticism is ridiculous. It will also help him see things from your perspective, encouraging empathy and understanding.
12. Don’t play the same game
It’s very tempting to respond to his criticisms with your own, but this will only lead to a power struggle and a never-ending cycle of negativity. Instead, stay calm and remind him that you’re not going to tolerate being treated this way. Keep reinforcing your boundaries, and eventually, he’ll get the message.
13. Take a breath before fighting back
Before responding to your husband’s hurtful words, take a deep breath and calm down. When you’re angry and emotional, it’s very easy to say things you’ll regret later, and taking a moment to reflect will give you time to think about the situation from a more rational perspective.
14. Be prepared to leave the relationship
At the end of the day, you need to decide what’s best for you. If his constant criticism makes you unhappy and you’ve tried everything to change it, you need to be prepared to walk away from the relationship.
It’s not going to be easy, but sometimes the best thing you can do is move on and find someone who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.
15. Seek professional help
If things aren’t changing for the better, try to convince your husband to get professional help. Couples’ counseling can create a safe space to talk about the issues you’re having, and a therapist can help guide the conversation in a positive way.
Your husband might also benefit from individual therapy to help him deal with his own issues and learn better ways to communicate.
