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Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where someone suddenly changes the subject or avoids answering a question directly? Chances are, you’ve encountered deflection. As a defense mechanism, deflection can be quite subtle and sometimes hard to identify. But don’t worry, today I’ll show you what deflection is, why people use it, and how to spot it in everyday conversations.
The psychology behind deflection
Deflection is a defense mechanism that people use to protect themselves from uncomfortable feelings or thoughts. When you deflect, you’re essentially redirecting attention away from yourself and onto something or someone else. This can be a useful way to avoid feeling vulnerable or exposed, but it can also be problematic when it prevents honest communication.
There are various reasons why someone might use deflection. For instance, they could be trying to avoid confronting a difficult emotion or admitting to a mistake. Alternatively, they might be attempting to maintain control in a conversation or protect their self-image. Deflection can be used in a variety of situations, such as during arguments, when receiving criticism, or when discussing sensitive topics.
The impact of deflection on relationships and communication
Deflection can create significant obstacles to honest and open communication. When someone consistently avoids addressing issues or feelings, it can be difficult to have a meaningful conversation with them. This can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and a breakdown of trust in both personal and professional relationships.
Deflection also hinders personal growth and self-awareness. If you’re always avoiding difficult emotions or situations, you may struggle to develop the skills necessary to manage them effectively. This can prevent you from learning from your mistakes, making it difficult to grow and change as a person.
Examples of deflecting behavior
1. Changing the subject
Imagine you’re in a conversation where someone suddenly shifts the focus to an unrelated topic. This is a classic example of changing the subject, a form of deflection that helps people avoid discussing uncomfortable issues. For instance, if you ask your friend about their recent breakup and they start talking about their favorite TV show, they might be using this technique to avoid confronting their feelings. To handle this situation, gently steer the conversation back to the original topic and express your willingness to listen and support them.
2. Blaming others
Blaming others is another common deflection tactic. When someone refuses to take responsibility for their actions and points the finger at someone else, they’re protecting themselves from feelings of guilt or shame. For example, if your coworker misses a deadline and blames you for not reminding them, they may be deflecting to avoid admitting their mistake. In such cases, it’s important to calmly assert your own perspective and encourage open communication to resolve the issue.
3. Minimizing or trivializing the issue
Have you ever felt like someone is dismissing your concerns or downplaying your feelings? If so, they might be downplaying the issue to deflect attention away from a difficult topic. For example, you might tell a friend you’re upset about their constant lateness and they respond with, “It’s not a big deal, everyone is late sometimes. To address this, express your feelings using “I” statements and explain the impact of their behavior on you.
4. Overgeneralization
Overgeneralization occurs when someone makes sweeping statements to avoid discussing a specific issue. For example, your partner might say, “You always criticize everything I do,” when you bring up a particular concern. In these situations, try to refocus the conversation on the specific issue at hand and use examples to clarify your point.
5. Projecting
Projecting is a psychological defense mechanism in which individuals attribute their own feelings, thoughts, or behaviors to someone else. By projecting, they can avoid confronting uncomfortable emotions or accepting responsibility for their actions. For example, if someone is feeling insecure about their job performance, they might accuse a coworker of being incompetent, even if the coworker is doing well. When you notice someone projecting, try to empathize with their situation and encourage open communication, while also calmly asserting your own perspective to maintain a balanced and honest dialogue.
6. Humor or sarcasm
Humor and sarcasm can sometimes be used to disguise negative feelings or avoid addressing difficult issues. If a colleague jokes about their poor performance in a meeting instead of discussing what went wrong, they might be deflecting. While humor can be a healthy coping mechanism, it’s important to recognize when it’s used to avoid honest communication. Gently encourage the person to share their thoughts and feelings in a more direct manner.
7. Anger and arguments
Anger is often used as a smokescreen for deflection. When people become angry or engage in heated arguments, it can be a way to divert attention from the real issue at hand. For example, if someone is upset about a mistake they made, they might start an argument about an unrelated topic to avoid admitting their fault. In such situations, it’s important to remain calm, listen carefully, and attempt to refocus the conversation on the underlying problem, promoting constructive communication and resolution.
8. Playing the victim
Playing the victim involves manipulating sympathy or inverting blame to avoid responsibility. For example, if your roommate leaves a mess in the kitchen and then complains about how stressed they are when you ask them to clean it up, they might be playing the victim. In these cases, it’s important to remain empathetic but assertive, focusing on the issue at hand and setting boundaries for future behavior.
How to deal with a person who deflects
1. Stay calm and focused
If you notice someone deflecting during a conversation or argument, it’s important to remain composed and maintain a respectful tone. This can help prevent the situation from escalating and encourage the person to engage in a more honest dialogue.
2. Use open-ended questions
Instead of asking yes-or-no questions, try posing open-ended questions that encourage the person to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings. This can make it more difficult for them to deflect and may promote a more genuine exchange of ideas.
3. Address the deflection directly
Gently and respectfully point out the deflection by saying something like, “I noticed that you changed the subject when I asked about [the issue]. Can we go back to that and discuss it further?” This approach can help the person become more aware of their behavior and refocus the conversation on the original topic.
4. Practice active listening
Show genuine interest in what the person is saying, and avoid interrupting or making assumptions. By demonstrating that you are truly listening and trying to understand their perspective, you may encourage the person to open up and engage in a more honest discussion.
5. Set boundaries and assert your needs
If deflection persists, calmly express your need for open and honest communication, and set boundaries for the conversation. You can say something like, “I understand that this topic might be uncomfortable, but it’s important for us to discuss it openly. Can we agree to address the issue directly and avoid deflecting?” By establishing clear expectations, you can create a more constructive environment for resolving the issue at hand.
Final thoughts
Deflection is a defense mechanism that can hinder honest communication and damage relationships. By recognizing the various signs of deflection, such as changing the subject, blaming others, and using humor or sarcasm, you can navigate challenging conversations and encourage open dialogue. Remember to remain calm, empathetic, and assertive when you spot deflection, and try to encourage the other person to deal with the underlying issue.
