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“Am I toxic?”
If you’re asking yourself this question, I’m sure you’re going through a difficult time and doing some serious soul searching.
Maybe someone close to you has accused you of having a toxic personality. Or you’ve realized that all your relationships seem to fall apart, and all your friends pull away and disappear.
Whatever the reason, I hope this article helps you identify whether you’re engaging in toxic behavior and motivates you to become a more positive and caring person.
Remember that everyone is capable of positive change – you just need to be brave enough to look inward at yourself and be honest about your own weaknesses.
What is a toxic person?
A toxic person wants everyone around them to focus on their problems and give them constant sympathy and support.
They put people down, make them feel bad about themselves, and dominate or emotionally manipulate them into doing what they want.
Drama follows a toxic person everywhere, their relationships are always messy, and they seem to get off on the chaos they leave in their wake.
If you’re dealing with a toxic person, it feels terrible to be around them, and you’re not always even sure why.
It’s important to note that a toxic person isn’t considered to have a personality disorder unless they enjoy hurting others. They are simply trying to cope with their own insecurities or trauma and make themselves feel better by mistreating other people.
Signs you’re toxic
1.You’re emotionally manipulative
A toxic person uses all kinds of tricks to exploit people’s ‘weaknesses’ to get their own way.
Often you can just bully and intimidate people into doing what you want. If they won’t stand up for themselves, that’s not your problem.
Guilting people into submission is also a favorite technique. Maybe you can simply exploit their caring personality or call on your endless list of ‘favors’ people owe you to get them on board.
And if that doesn’t work, the silent treatment will probably make them feel so confused and awkward that they’ll come begging to do things your way.
Not to mention how much better everyone performs when you make them compete against each other for your approval. They should be thanking you for teaching them how to be winners.
2. You’re always the victim
Playing the victim is a great way to get sympathy and make sure everyone is focused on you and your problems.
If you never take personal responsibility for your actions, it’s easy to go through life blaming others for your problems.
You can justify feeling that the whole world is against you and hold grudges against all the people holding you back in life.
Your friends and family might tolerate this type of emotional manipulation for a while. Still, they’ll see through it eventually and recognize you as a toxic person.
3. You only care about yourself
You tell yourself that you care about other people, but the truth is that you only care if you want something from them.
Every moment of your life is focused on caring about your needs and your problems.
If someone is feeling down and shares their unhappiness with you, it’s a great excuse to flip the conversation around and make it all about your problems.
If someone achieves their goal, it’s an opportunity to pull them down and remind everyone of their failings to make yourself look superior.
Whatever the situation, there’s always a way to shift the focus to make it all about you.
4. You’re incredibly needy
A toxic person tends to be very judgemental and thinks they’re better than everyone else, but they can also be incredibly needy.
The truth is, you have deep insecurities, and you want people to be focused on you and trying to fix your problems.
You want everyone to admire you, but at the same time feel sorry for you and recognize that the world is against you. But when someone rushes to help you, they soon realize there’s always a new drama on the horizon. You constantly pull them back into your toxic vortex.
At a certain point, everyone in your life will recognize that your neediness is toxic, and you’ll be left alone with no support.
5. You refuse to take the blame and never apologize
Everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of being human. No one really likes to admit that they’re wrong, but most people will face up to it and apologize to anyone they’ve hurt.
But you refuse to take the blame for anything and will always find a scapegoat to make it look like you’re the victim who’s been wronged. Even if it means distorting the facts or lying to ensure you get maximum sympathy.
And forget apologizing for anything unless it’s a way to get people on your side and manipulate them.
6. You put other people down
Putting other people down and belittling them is a way for a toxic person to cover their own lack of self-esteem.
You like to point out other people’s flaws whenever you get the chance because you need to make yourself feel superior. Deep down, you know you’re not, but it helps you ignore your own weaknesses. It also allows you to hide the fact that you’re jealous of all their achievements.
They’ve reaped the rewards of all their hard work, and you refuse to admit that they earned it. And everyone laughs and notices you when you make fun of people, so why would you stop?
7. You’re jealous of others
When you have a win in life, it’s natural to share your success with friends and family.
But you never feel like celebrating because you resent their good news, and you don’t think they deserve it. After all, you work harder and are better than them, so why didn’t it happen to you?
It was probably all luck anyway, and they didn’t really do anything to earn it.
And just to make sure they don’t get a big ego, you’re going to joke about all their failures and make sure all their friends know they aren’t so fantastic after all.
Do any of those thought patterns sound familiar? In that case, you’re suffering from toxic jealousy, and you need to deal with your own insecurities before it destroys your relationship.
8. Your behavior is volatile and erratic
Everyone has good days and bad days, and occasionally you might snap at someone for no reason at all. It’s not the end of the world, and you quickly apologize and move on.
But with your volatile and erratic personality, no one ever knows what version of you they’re going to get. It feels completely random and makes people wary and anxious to be around you.
One day you’re super friendly and supportive. You’ve turned on the charm because you want something from someone, and being nice is the most efficient way to get it.
But the next day, you’re cold and distant. Something has made you flip into self-pity mode, and you’re too busy obsessing over who to blame to acknowledge anyone.
9. You’re controlling
A toxic person needs to be in control and uses all kinds of tricks to get people to do what they want. You always need to get your own way and have the final say over everything.
In some cases, you’ll just bully people into bending to your will. If they can’t even stand up for themselves, then their opinion isn’t worth listening to, right?
But for some people, you need to deploy further emotional manipulation to get them to do your bidding. Guilt trips are a common technique because exploiting someone’s caring personality and desire to help is easy.
Finding a past favor to hold over someone’s head when you need them is also no problem because you’re always keeping score.
The silent treatment is also a favorite tactic. And if that doesn’t work, creating a massive scene with plenty of drama will probably make them cave.
Related: Why don’t people like me? 15 brutally honest reasons
10. Everything is a competition
Life is full of competition. We compete with others to get a job, win at sport or attract a mate. And we constantly compete with ourselves to overcome doubt and achieve our personal goals.
But you’ve taken it too far, and a healthy spirit of competition has turned into a toxic need to win at all costs. When someone achieves success, you’re filled with envy instead of celebrating with them. All you can think about is how to beat them to get back on top. And if you have to act a little shady to get ahead, so be it. That’s the price of being a winner.
You also wouldn’t dream of trying anything new or stepping outside your comfort zone. Someone might see you’re not the best and brand you a loser.
11. You dominate every conversation
A typical conversation is two-sided, with each person offering support for what the other is saying to sympathize and show understanding.
But instead of showing support, you always subtly manipulate the conversation to shift the focus back onto you. And you’re not afraid you use a little guilt trip if they’re not getting the hint.
Sometimes you can’t even force yourself to listen to them go on and on with their boring story, and you have to interrupt them to make it stop.
This conversational narcissism is toxic behavior. Once people figure out what you’re doing, they won’t be interested in talking to you.
12. You make fun of others to get a laugh
A toxic person will often make fun of others to get a laugh and increase their own popularity.
You’re at a party, and you tell a group of strangers a personal and profoundly embarrassing story that a friend told you in confidence.
You even embellish it a little to make it seem more dramatic and hilarious. The crowd loves it, and they’re rolling on the floor with laughter. You’re the funniest person in the room, and all eyes are focused on you – it feels fantastic.
But your friend is standing next to you throughout the entire story. They try to put on a brave face and laugh along until they can’t take it anymore and run from the room in shame. Why can’t your friend take a joke?
You may not even realize it, but your behavior is toxic. You’ve taken your friend’s trauma and used it for your own personal gain to increase your own popularity.
13. You hold a grudge
A toxic person often holds grudges against anyone they think has done them wrong.
You think about these people all the time, even if you haven’t seen them in years, and it causes your stomach to churn with stress and anxiety.
You even hold grudges against people who have never done anything to you because you’re convinced they’ll betray you in the future.
You don’t even remember what most of these people did to offend you. The point is, they didn’t put your problems above everything else.
14. All your friends are deserting you
Recently you’ve noticed that your group of friends has been acting weird around you. They’ve been cold and distant, and you barely ever get a text or a call these days. And you know they’re all still hanging out because you can see the photos on social media.
You finally get a chance to corner them and demand to know what gives, and that’s when they drop the bombshell on you.
‘You’re a toxic person, and we don’t want you in our lives anymore.’ It almost sounds like they had a speech prepared and were waiting for this day to come.
Your instinct might be to get angry or defensive, but sooner or later, you’ll have to look at your own behavior and face the truth.
If you’re acting like a toxic person, it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. You just have some work to do on yourself before you can have positive relationships with other people.
15. You talk about people behind their backs
Almost everyone is guilty of indulging in a bit of gossip once in a while.
Maybe you’ve been an insatiable gossip your entire life, and you just can’t help it. You don’t mean to hurt anyone, and you’d never spread lies.
That might be true, but you still need to accept that you’re causing other people pain by spreading rumors about them.
But when your gossip is deliberately designed to put people down, you need to think about your motivation for hurting people.
Are you trying to make yourself look better by putting other people down? Do you love the thrill of being the center of attention when everyone focuses on your latest juicy rumor? Or maybe you’re actually jealous and think someone needs to be cut down a couple of rungs, so they don’t get a big ego.
Whatever the reason, it seems pretty clear that your constant gossiping is turning you into a toxic person.
16. You’re disloyal
Your life is so focused on making yourself the center of attention, you don’t care how disloyally you treat your friends along the way.
If someone is on your side and focused on your problems, they’re your best friend. But as soon as they lose interest in your drama, they quickly become your worst enemy.
You’re going to hold a grudge against them and pull them down until they prove to you without a doubt that you’re the most essential thing in their life.
17. You don’t respect boundaries
Everyone sets personal boundaries that define how other people relate to us. Some of these boundaries are implied by our personality and actions, while others must be explicitly stated.
But as a toxic person, pushing through people’s personal boundaries is just another way for you to manipulate people into getting your way.
If you need to enter someone’s personal space to intimate them, no problem.
If someone shows you their vulnerable side, it’s an opportunity to exploit their ‘weakness’ and manipulate them into focusing on your needs.
How to stop being toxic
Toxic people try to focus everyone around them on their needs and their problems. It’s a pattern of behavior that often stems from personal insecurities.
If you think you have toxic tendencies, focusing on these areas might help you foster more meaningful relationships.
No one can change overnight. But if you focus on self-improvement and get professional help if you need it, you can turn your life around.
1. Learn to love yourself
The simple truth is that it’s tough to genuinely care about other people and their problems when you’re feeling so much personal insecurity and pain. Even if you’re successfully masking it behind toxic behavior.
You need to learn how to love yourself and feel self-worth that doesn’t rely on other people constantly validating you.
2. Be present and listen to others
Toxic people aren’t interested in what other people say or how they feel.
Breaking this pattern of behavior involves being present in the moment and really listening to what other people are saying.
Instead of always trying to bring the conversation back to your needs, let them speak and use supportive words to show them that you understand and empathize with them.
3. Celebrate the success of others
Jealousy is a complicated emotion to control, but try and separate other people’s success from your own.
Just because someone has achieved something great doesn’t take anything away from you or diminish your own achievements in any way.
4. Be accountable for your actions
If you find yourself slipping into toxic behavior patterns, be accountable and own up to it. Take a breath and reset and remind yourself how far you’ve come.
Even recognizing that you want to improve is a massive step forward.
5. Be vulnerable and let people in
A toxic person might not even remember the last time they shared a moment of genuine honesty and vulnerability with someone.
If you’re willing to open up and let someone in, you’ll find that you don’t need all the tricks and bullying to get people to focus on you.
They’re happy to do it just because they care about you.
6. Ask for help
If you’re struggling to shake off your toxic past alone, reach out for help. No one expects you to do it alone!
Ask a friend or partner for support, or get professional counseling. Having a neutral third party who doesn’t have a history with you can be a great way to get to the core of your issues.
As long as you genuinely want to embark on a journey of self-improvement, you’ll find all kinds of people who are only too happy to help you succeed.
