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Dealing with someone who has an abrasive personality isn’t easy. They’re opinionated, critical, and intolerant, and every interaction makes you feel uncomfortable.
And even worse, they don’t recognize that their behavior is a problem. They sail through life, leaving a trail of damaged relationships and bruised egos in their wake, blissfully unaware of the havoc they’re wreaking.
If you’re looking for confirmation that someone you know has an abrasive personality, here are 13 signs to look out for and some helpful advice to deal with them.
1. They’re bossy and overbearing
Abrasive people are bossy and overbearing and always need to feel in control. They love giving orders and telling people what to do, and they’re not afraid to use their power to get their own way. Often this means belittling and bullying those around them until they get what they want.
Most abrasive people have very poor control over their emotions and will completely overreact to minor issues and blow them out of proportion. They will start yelling, become aggressive, and make threats to get their point across.
2. They make people feel uncomfortable
If you have to deal with an abrasive person, you probably come away from every interaction feeling weird and uncomfortable. They have a habit of making inappropriate comments, crossing boundaries, and saying things that are just plain rude.
Abrasive people also tend to be very unapproachable. For example, if your boss is abrasive, you won’t feel comfortable going to them with your concerns or problems. You know they will blow everything out of proportion, make you feel like you’re overreacting, or dismiss your concerns entirely.
3. They’re opinionated (and usually loud)
There’s nothing wrong with having strong opinions, but abrasive people take things to the extreme. They always need to be correct, never back down from an argument, and love to hear themselves talk. Even worse, they usually speak at full volume to make sure everyone around them knows just how right they are.
If you’re having a discussion with an abrasive person, you might as well save your breath because they’re not interested in hearing what you have to say. They’re only interested in putting their spin on things and winning the argument.
4. They’re aggressive
The aggressive nature of abrasive people is the main reason they are so hard to deal with. They’re always on the offensive and have a very short fuse. Without even being consciously aware of their behavior, they will make everyone around them feel intimidated and threatened with their aggressive tone and condescending attitude.
Even worse, they often adopt a victim mindset when things don’t go their way and will lash out at those around them, even if it’s completely unwarranted.
5. They have no tact
Honestly is generally seen as a good thing, but abrasive people lack the self-awareness and tact to use it constructively. They’re brutally honest to the point of being rude, and they have no filter when it comes to their thoughts or words.
This often leads to them saying hurtful, offensive, and completely unnecessary things. For example, an abrasive person might tell you (and everyone around you) that your new haircut doesn’t suit you without even considering how their comment might make you feel. They have an almost superhuman ability to rub people the wrong way.
6. They have an all-or-nothing attitude
There’s no such thing as shades of gray with abrasive people – it’s all good or all bad. They’re very black-and-white in their thinking, and they tend to see the world in terms of absolutes. This can make them very inflexible and unwilling to compromise, even when it would be in their best interest.
For example, an abrasive person might get into a fight with their significant other and immediately start packing their bags and threatening to move out. In the workplace, it often leads to micromanaging because they can’t trust anyone else to do things correctly.
7. They lack empathy
Abrasive people appear to lack empathy and come across as cold, insensitive, and uncaring. They have difficulty understanding or acknowledging people’s feelings even when they see that they’ve caused hurt. This attitude makes it very difficult for them to form close, meaningful relationships with others.
In most cases, abrasive people don’t have a personality disorder. They do actually care about other people, but insecurities cause them to act out, put up walls, and lose their compassionate filter.
8. They’re intolerant
If someone makes a mistake, an abrasive person will jump at the chance to criticize, belittle, and tear them down. They’re very intolerant of flaws or weaknesses and believe everyone should meet their high standards.
Even worse, this intolerance often extends to people who are different from them, whether in terms of race, religion, or lifestyle choices.
But, predictably, they are also terrible at receiving criticism and will lash out or become defensive when someone points out their own shortcomings. This makes it difficult for them to learn and grow as individuals and in their careers.
9. They’re pushy & impatient
Abrasive people are very pushy and impatient. They will try to force their way to the front of a line, berate a server or customer service worker for taking too long, and interrupt conversations when they’re not the center of attention.
In the workplace, they leap to conclusions rather than listening to people and taking the time to gather all the facts, and they’re always in a hurry to get things done without regard for quality. This leads to them making careless mistakes, which causes even more problems down the road.
10. They’re rigid and inflexible
Abrasive people tend to be very rigid and inflexible in their thinking. They’re set in their ways and resistant to change, even when it’s clear that change is necessary.
This can make them very difficult to work with, especially in fast-paced or constantly changing environments. It also leads to them making poor decisions because they’re unwilling to consider other options or take input from others.
11. They’re ultra-competitive
The mindset of an abrasive person is always one of winner takes all. They’re fiercely competitive and must be the best at everything they do.
In some cases, this competitiveness is healthy and drives them to achieve great things. But more often than not, it makes them jealous and resentful of others’ successes, putting them in a constant state of stress and anxiety.
12. They’re always right (or think they are)
Abrasive people have an extreme need to be correct and will go to great lengths to prove that they are. They’re always convinced that they know best and will dismiss or invalidate anyone who disagrees with them.
This attitude leads to a lot of conflict in their personal and professional lives. It also makes it difficult for them to learn from their mistakes because they’re never willing to admit they’re wrong.
13. They’re self-centered
Abrasive people are self-centered and have trouble seeing things from other people’s perspectives. They’re often so wrapped up in their own lives and problems that they have difficulty empathizing with others.
This makes them seem insensitive and uncaring, even when they do care about the other person. It also causes them to miss out on many opportunities because they cannot see how their actions will affect others.
What causes an abrasive personality?
Abrasive people are annoying and hard to deal with, but they are not evil or malicious in most cases. So what causes an abrasive personality?
1. Childhood experiences
Some people are unlucky enough to have negative personality traits that cause them to be abrasive. These may be due to an underlying mental health condition but are more likely the result of early life experiences and learned behaviors.
For example, a child raised in a household with a lot of yelling and criticism is more likely to develop an abrasive personality as an adult. They’ve been taught that the only way to get what you want is to be loud, aggressive, and put other people in their place.
Similarly, a kid who was constantly teased as a child may become defensive and quick to anger as an adult. They’ve learned that the best way to avoid being hurt is to be aggressive and keep others at arm’s length.
2. Insecurity and low self-esteem
Many abrasive people have a need for control that stems from insecurity and low self-esteem. They feel like they have to be in charge because they’re afraid of being taken advantage of or made to look foolish.
3. Fear of failure
Another common cause of an abrasive personality is a fear of failure. Abrasive people are often perfectionists who are afraid to make mistakes. They’re scared of looking weak or vulnerable, so they put up a tough exterior and try to control every situation.
This fear of failure makes them overly critical of others and themselves. It also makes them resistant to change because they fear anything that might rock the boat.
4. Unrealistic expectations
A lot of abrasive behavior stems from unrealistic expectations. Abrasive people often expect too much from themselves and others and get frustrated and angry when those expectations are not met.
This can lead to them being nit-picky and perfectionistic and always looking for ways to criticize and find fault. It’s also one of the reasons why abrasive people have such a hard time letting go of grudges and forgiving others.
How do you deal with someone who is abrasive?
Dealing with an abrasive personality can be difficult, but it’s important to remember that they’re not trying to be difficult on purpose. In most cases, their behavior is simply a result of their personality traits and learned behaviors.
Here are some tips for dealing with an abrasive person:
- Try to avoid taking things personally. Abrasive people often say and do hurtful things without meaning to, so try not to take them to heart.
- Focus on the positive. Abrasive people often dwell on the negative, so look for the good in the situation and focus on that.
- Be assertive, not aggressive. It’s essential to stand up for yourself with an abrasive person, but try to do it calmly and assertively. Yelling and getting angry will only make the situation worse.
- Try to avoid arguing with them. Abrasive people love to argue, so you’re usually better off agreeing to disagree.
- Sometimes, the best thing you can do is walk away from the situation. This is especially true if you’re being disrespected or made to feel uncomfortable.
