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When someone you love betrays your trust, it feels like your world is crumbling down. The pain is unbearable, and you think you’ll never be able to forgive that person, let alone trust them again.
But the good news is that with understanding, open communication, and hard work, it is possible to overcome the hurt and rebuild trust in a relationship. Here are 25 honest tips on how to trust someone again.
What is trust, and why is it important?
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. It’s the glue that holds couples together and allows them to weather the storms of life. Here are all the hallmarks of a trusting relationship:
1. Open and honest communication
Open and honest communication allows you to confront issues head-on and work through problems in your relationship. You don’t have to worry about hiding your true thoughts or feelings because you know that your partner will accept you no matter what. And when you occasionally argue, you listen to your partner’s point of view and try to see things from their perspective.
2. Respect
Respect means that you accept your partner as they are and appreciate their thoughts, opinions, and beliefs – even if you disagree with them. You treat each other with kindness, consideration, and understanding and don’t violate each other’s personal boundaries.
3. You support each other
When your partner is going through a tough time, you’re there for them to offer advice and emotional support. Likewise, when they have something exciting going on in their life, you share in their happiness and celebrate their successes with them.
You want your partner to succeed in their career, reach their personal goals, and be happy and fulfilled in life. You’re not jealous of their successes or threatened by their achievements. Instead, you are genuinely excited for them and proud of all they’ve accomplished.
4. Shared commitment
You and your partner are committed to each other and working towards the same goals in life. You’re equally invested in the relationship and willing to put in the time and effort required to make it work. You plan for the future together and include each other in major life decisions.
5. Safety and vulnerability
You feel safe being yourself around your partner and sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to put up a front or pretend to be something you’re not because you know they won’t judge you or use your vulnerability against you. Instead, they will love and accept you for exactly who you are.
How is trust lost in a relationship?
Sadly, there are many ways that trust can be broken in a relationship. Some of the most common include:
1. Cheating
This is probably the most obvious way that trust can be damaged in a relationship. If your partner has an affair, it breaks not only your trust but also your heart. The pain and betrayal can be almost too much to bear, and it may seem like there’s no way you could ever forgive them – let alone trust them again.
2. Lying
There are various degrees of lying, but serious lies can severely damage trust in a relationship. For example, if your partner lies about their whereabouts or what they’re doing, it creates an atmosphere of suspicion and mistrust. And if they’ve lied to you in the past, it’s hard to believe anything they say.
3. Lack of support
Your partner is supposed to be your best friend and biggest supporter. If they put you down, criticize you, or make you feel like you’re not good enough, it eventually damages your self-esteem and breaks your trust in them.
4. Not following through
If your partner regularly lets you down by breaking their promises or not following through on their commitments, it erodes your trust. Over time, you begin to doubt whether they care about your needs and question whether they’re just using you.
5. Emotional unavailability
Withholding your thoughts and feelings can damage trust because it creates a barrier between you and your partner. If you cannot express your thoughts and feelings openly, it’s difficult to build an emotional connection with each other.
Related post: 23 signs an emotionally unavailable man is in love with you
Can broken trust ever be regained?
The short answer is yes, but it will take time, patience, and a lot of effort. The key is to understand that just because someone has betrayed you in the past doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll do it again. Everyone makes mistakes, and people can change. If your partner is willing to work on rebuilding trust, it’s possible to move past their betrayal and create an even stronger bond than before.
In the process of rebuilding trust, it’s essential that you establish clear boundaries around the way you expect to be treated. That way, your partner is very clear about what they need to do to gain your trust again. If they’re not able or willing to meet your expectations, then it may be best to move on.
Related post: How to save a marriage with trust issues (17 tips)
Signs you feel a lack of trust in your relationship
If you don’t trust your partner, you likely feel uneasy or anxious around them. You may also find yourself constantly questioning their actions and motives and second-guessing everything they say. Other signs that you lack trust in your relationship include:
1. Neediness
You constantly need reassurance from your partner and check in with them all the time.
2. Lack of vulnerability
You can’t be yourself around your partner and share your true thoughts and feelings. Instead, you put up a front or pretend to be someone you’re not.
3. Constant interrogations
You grill your partner about their every move and constantly accuse them of lying or cheating.
4. Spying and monitoring
You go through their phone, check their emails, or follow them around in an attempt to catch them doing something wrong.
How to trust someone again after they hurt you
Okay, now that we’ve covered the causes and signs trust is missing from your relationship, let’s look at how you can start rebuilding it. If your partner has betrayed you, these tips will help you get started on the path to forgiveness and healing.
1. Understand why
Before you can start rebuilding trust, you need to understand why your partner betrayed you in the first place. Understanding isn’t the same as forgiveness – at this point, you’re trying to figure out the reason for their behavior.
People’s actions can seem very strange until you understand the reason behind them. For example, if your partner had an affair, it’s important to try and understand why they did it instead of just writing them off as a cheater. There could be underlying reasons such as unresolved feelings from a past relationship or low self-esteem.
Part of this process is also thinking about the state of your relationship before the betrayal occurred. Were there any warning signs that something was wrong? Did you feel like your partner was withdrawing from you or acting differently?
2. Explain how you feel
The next step is to explain how their betrayal has made you feel. Be as specific as possible and get all your feelings out in the open. Otherwise, they’ll continue to fester and cause resentment.
If you find yourself getting too emotional, take a break and come back to the conversation when you’re feeling calmer.
Avoid accusation and blame, and always frame your statements in terms of the way you feel. For example, “I feel devastated and betrayed that you had an affair” is much better than, “You’re a lying cheat, and I can’t believe you did this to me.”
3. Focus on the root cause
Hopefully, talking about the specific incident will also expose the root of the problems in your relationship that lead to the betrayal. This will be a long and difficult conversation, and it’s unlikely to be resolved in an hour or two.
With any luck, you’ll both be motivated to work together on the underlying problem that caused the breach of trust, rather than just putting a bandaid apology over the symptoms.
For example, if your partner cheated, you might realize it’s because they feel unappreciated or their needs aren’t being met in the relationship. In this case, you can work together to find a solution that makes both of you happy.
4. Listen to them
Giving your partner the chance to explain themselves is just as important as explaining how you feel. They may be feeling just as much pain as you and need the opportunity to share their side of the story.
Make sure you really listen to what they’re saying without interrupting or passing judgment. Try to be open-minded and understand where they’re coming from, even if you don’t agree with their actions.
Also, pay careful attention to how sincere they seem and whether they are expressing remorse. It will be much easier to forgive if you know that they understand the pain they’ve caused you and are genuinely sorry for what they did.
When you’re dealing with someone you love, you’ll know in your heart whether their remorse and apology are genuine.
5. Set clear boundaries
If your partner has betrayed your trust, it’s essential to set boundaries to protect yourself from getting hurt again. These boundaries will be different depending on the type of betrayal.
For example, if they had an affair, you might agree that your partner always lets you know where they are and who they’re with. If they’ve been lying to you, you might require complete honesty from them in the future.
6. Enforce your boundaries
It’s also essential to enforce your boundaries and be clear on the penalty if they break your trust again. This could be anything from a warning to leaving the relationship altogether.
Be very firm with your boundaries and do not allow any exceptions. Otherwise, your partner might start to think that they can get away with breaking them. If they do break your trust again, make sure you follow through on the penalties you’ve set.
7. Learn to forgive
The common misconception about forgiveness is that you are telling the person who hurt you that what they did was okay. However, forgiveness is about letting go of anger and resentment, not condoning bad behavior.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean forgetting what they did or forgiving them again if they do it again. It just means that you’re choosing to move on from the pain they caused you. In other words, forgiveness is more about allowing yourself to feel at peace rather than forgiving the other person.
8. Give yourself time
Rushing into forgiveness is a common mistake people make after being betrayed. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of trust and work through your emotions before making any decisions.
Don’t feel like you have to forgive right away just because it’s what other people expect of you. If you’re not ready, that’s okay. Just be honest with yourself and your partner about where you’re at emotionally.
9. Don’t play the victim
It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling like a victim after being betrayed, but it’s important to avoid this mindset. Yes, what your partner did was wrong, but wallowing in self-pity won’t do anything to help the situation.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, focus on taking back control of the situation. This might mean ending the relationship if it’s too toxic or working on rebuilding trust if you’re both committed to making things work.
10. Don’t bring it up all the time
Once you’ve forgiven someone, don’t bring up their past mistakes whenever you have an argument. This will only make them feel resentful and defensive and make it harder to move on from what happened.
Constantly holding past mistakes over someone’s head is also a form of emotional manipulation, which is not healthy behavior.
11. Make a plan together
One of the most critical steps in the trust-building process is making a concrete plan to rebuild trust and get your relationship back on track.
Some examples of things to include are:
- Scheduling regular status check-ins to talk about how things are going.
- Making future plans together to reaffirm your commitment to each other and the relationship.
- Scheduling quality time together to make sure you have fun and rekindle the spark.
- Defining your rules around honesty, transparency, and communication.
- Scheduling personal time outside the relationship to get some space and enjoy your own hobbies and interests.
- Working on trust exercises together to rebuild the emotional bond between you.
This plan can be as long or detailed as you need it to be. The point is to give both partners security and clarity about where the relationship is going and what needs to happen to get there.
12. Spend quality time together
After such a traumatic and emotionally difficult time, it’s easy to forget all the good times you’ve had together in the past. You need to start making new positive memories together to help rebuild the relationship.
Make sure to schedule plenty of fun activities and quality time together without any talk of trust or betrayal. This will help you both relax and enjoy each other’s company again.
13. Rebuild your physical connection
After a betrayal, your physical intimacy probably took a hit. It’s important to work on rebuilding this aspect of your relationship to help re-establish trust and closeness.
This might mean having sex, cuddling on the couch while watching TV, or just being more affectionate in general. Whatever makes you both feel connected and loved, make sure to do it often.
14. Establish frequent check-ins
It sounds sad to treat your relationship like a business transaction, but after a betrayal, it’s important to have regular check-ins to ensure everything is on track.
This doesn’t mean you have to schedule a weekly meeting where you go over your trust-building progress. But you should frequently discuss how things are going, in general, and specifically related to the trust issue.
If things are going well, make sure to give your partner plenty of praise and encouragement. If there are any setbacks, talk about them openly and honestly. These check-ins will help keep the lines of communication open and make it easier to work through any problems that come up.
15. Trust your gut
Trying to see the good in people is a beautiful trait, but don’t ignore your instincts if they tell you something is wrong. If you’re not sure whether you can trust your partner again, it’s important to listen to what your gut is telling you.
Of course, you should never make significant decisions based on a hunch. But if you’re feeling uneasy about something, talk to your partner about it and see if they can put your mind at ease.
At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness. If you don’t think you can trust your partner again, you need to listen to your heart and do what’s best for you.
16. Learn to love yourself
This might be the most important tip of all. If you don’t love and respect yourself, having a healthy relationship with anyone else will be impossible.
When you love and respect yourself, it gives you the power to walk away from anything that doesn’t make you happy. It also allows you to set boundaries, express your needs, and stand up for yourself when necessary.
Loving yourself is a lifelong journey, but it’s worth the effort. When you learn to love yourself, it will be easier to trust yourself – and your decisions about who to let into your life.
17. Focus on the future
It’s important to remember that trust is built over time, and there will be ups and downs along the way. The most important thing is focusing on the future and working towards your relationship goals.
Every day is a new opportunity to start fresh. If you make a mistake, learn from it and move on. Don’t dwell on the past or let it define your future.
18. Know when to walk away
Part of this journey is also realizing that it’s okay to walk away from a relationship – even if you still love the person. If they’ve betrayed your trust and you don’t think they’re capable of change, it might be time to let them go.
It’s never easy to end a relationship, but sometimes it’s the best decision for both of you. If you’re not sure what to do, speak to a close friend or family member, or consult with a counselor to get professional guidance.
19. Seek professional help
If you’re struggling to rebuild trust on your own, it’s definitely worth seeing a therapist or relationship counselor. They can help you work through your emotions, develop a plan, and give you practical tools to help improve your relationship.
The difference between love and trust
Love is a completely emotional experience that you have very little control over. Most people don’t decide they will fall in love with someone – it just happens.
On the other hand, trust is earned through consistent actions and words over time. Trust is something you can choose to give to someone, and it can also be taken away.
You might love your partner deeply, but it will be difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with them if they’ve betrayed your trust. For a relationship to be strong and lasting, both love and trust are essential.
Final thoughts
Trusting someone again after a betrayal can feel impossible. But with time, patience, and effort, it is possible to rebuild your relationship. Just remember to communicate openly, listen with empathy, and be honest with yourself about what you’re willing to tolerate.
