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Admitting that your husband is an asshole isn’t easy. When you first got married, he was kind and loving, and you had no doubts that your life together was going to be wonderful.
But over time, he’s changed. He’s manipulative, critical and he acts like a bully. And even worse, it’s only you that he treats badly. His personality completely changes when he hangs out with his friends, and he’s friendly and respectful to them.
You can’t help wondering, should I leave him or try and make it work?
Today I’m going to discuss all the reasons you might have to admit that your husband is an asshole. I’ll also give you some tips on what to do about it.
And if you think your marriage is worth saving, I also have some advice on the best way to recapture the love and devotion you both shared when you first got married.
1. He emotionally manipulates you
Your husband knows you better than pretty much anyone, which means that he also knows how to emotionally manipulate you.
He knows exactly what buttons to push to make you scared, upset, or angry. And he also knows how to make you feel better and be your savior (when it suits him).
Does he try to twist the facts to make everything look like it’s your fault? Does he prey on your fears and insecurities to make you agree with him or give him sympathy? Or maybe he tries to make you feel ashamed for questioning him or asking for a compromise.
These are all ways your asshole husband could be manipulating your emotions to get what he wants. This is highly toxic behavior, and you shouldn’t tolerate it in your relationship.
When you see him manipulating you in this way, you need to call it out and tell him how it makes you feel. Manipulation can become normalized in a relationship, and he might not even fully understand that he’s doing it.
Once you confront him, he might even be shocked at his behavior and feel a lot of remorse.
But suppose he does know exactly what he’s doing. In that case, you need to prioritize your emotional safety and consider whether you should stay in the relationship.
2. He constantly picks fights with you
One surefire sign that your husband is an asshole is when he goes out of his way to pick fights with you.
It doesn’t matter what you do to try and make him happy. He’ll always find a way to start a fight. It’s another opportunity for him to criticize you, put you down, and put all the problems in your relationship onto you.
If your husband is always trying to pick fights with you, I recommend checking out this free video by marriage expert Brad Browning.
Brad is an author and relationship expert who’s helped thousands of couples save their marriages with his best-selling books and popular YouTube channel.
One of the most impressive techniques Brad will teach you is his ‘Dispute Defusing System.’ This is a simple psychological technique you can learn that will stop an argument dead in its tracks.
A few simple words are all it takes to make your husband feel a rush of affection for you and completely lose interest in fighting. And it doesn’t involve letting him think he’s won or giving him the upper hand.
3. He doesn’t have your back
One of the most beautiful things about being married is knowing that you’re part of a team. Your spouse always has your back, and together you can survive anything.
You may have felt like a team when you first got married, but now your husband doesn’t have your back. Sometimes it even feels like he goes out of his way to take someone else’s side.
If you disagree with someone (even if you’re 100% correct), he’ll go out of his way to defend them. He’s much more concerned about making sure other people like him than defending your honor. And even if he does disagree with you, he doesn’t need to go out of his way to make it seem like you’re at fault.
When someone makes a hurtful joke at your expense, he doesn’t show you any loyalty at all. He’s laughing along with them to make sure they think he’s the life of the party. He knows the joke pushes your buttons and is hurtful to you. He just doesn’t care.
If you’re worried about something or have a problem, your asshole husband will try to diminish it. He’ll put you down and call you weak for being concerned.
4. He only cares about himself
Your husband is an asshole if he only cares about his feelings and his own needs. He thinks his problems are more important than yours, and he doesn’t make any effort to support you when you’re going through tough times.
Everything you do as a couple needs to happen on his terms. If he’s too tired to go out, then it’s not happening. But if you’re not in the mood, he’s quick to accuse you of being selfish.
He emotionally manipulates you into always doing what he wants. It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to choose what takeout to order or where to go on vacation – he makes you feel guilty when he doesn’t get his way.
5. He thinks he’s better than you
Your husband used to value your opinion and treat you like an equal partner. But now, his mental image of you has completely changed, and he thinks he’s better than you. He never comes right out and says it (well, maybe he does), but you can see it in his words and actions.
He thinks his job is more important than yours (especially if you’re at home with the kids), and he belittles your contribution to the marriage. If he makes most of the money, he lets you know about it and makes you feel guilty for spending ‘his’ hard-earned money.
You used to make all the family decisions together, but now he doesn’t bother consulting with you. He assumes you’ll go along with whatever he says. And worst of all, he openly mocks your goals and dreams. He tells you to keep it real and assumes that you’ll never have the brains or willpower to achieve them.
If this sounds like you, I recommend you check out Brad Browning’s latest video. I mentioned him earlier.
Brad will show you how to change your husband’s mental image of you completely. You’ll learn how to feed him a stream of passionate, positive memories designed to eliminate all the negative thoughts he has of you. This will trigger a chemical process in your husband’s brain that will remind him of the respect and love he felt for you when you first got married.
6. He constantly criticizes you
Is your husband constantly criticizing you and putting you down? If the answer is yes, he’s acting like an asshole. Criticism is one of the most damaging behaviors you can experience in any relationship. It belittles you and robs you of your self-respect.
He can also use criticism to control and emotionally manipulate you because it makes you ashamed to express your opinion and stand up for yourself.
Steven Stosny, Ph.D. explains more at Psychology Today:
Criticism in close relationships starts out, in most cases, on a low key and escalates over time, forming a downward spiral with increasing resentment. The criticized person feels controlled, which frustrates the critical partner, who then steps up the criticism, increasing the other’s sense of being controlled, and so on.
Even if your husband is very self-critical and holds himself to a high standard, that’s no excuse to criticize you. He should know that it makes you feel bad about yourself and isn’t a form of constructive support for you.
It’s more likely that your husband is criticizing you because he feels insecure in your relationship. Being critical of you is a subconscious way to push you farther away and justify his worry that your relationship is falling apart.
He might also just be feeling insecure in his own life generally. Criticizing you is a way to preserve his ego and make himself feel like he’s more in control.
Whatever the reason, talking to your husband about his behavior is essential before he goes too far and damages your relationship beyond repair.
7. He controls what you can spend money on
Almost every couple fights about money at some point. It’s one of the most common reasons that couples get divorced. But if your husband is extremely controlling over money and dictates what you are allowed to buy, then he’s an asshole.
In fact, withholding money from you is considered to be financial abuse. Financial abuse aims to maintain power and dominance over you. In extreme cases, it can even be to make sure you can’t leave the relationship.
Does your husband control all access to the family credit cards? Does he get angry or freak out if you buy something that he hasn’t approved? Does he scour the credit card statements looking for secret purchases that he’s convinced you must have made?
If any of this rings true, you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. He might not fully know what he’s doing and relax his rigid rules once you talk it through.
But if he doesn’t see how bad the situation is, you need to consider whether you’re intentionally being trapped in the relationship.
In the most severe financial abuse cases, a partner will even try and prevent you from getting a job and earning your own money. If this is happening to you, consider what your options are to leave the relationship ASAP.
8. He doesn’t help around the house
Your husband is an asshole if he refuses to help you around the house with domestic chores.
He’ll probably use the excuse that he works hard all day and is too tired to help out. That might have worked in the 1940s, but it’s not good enough these days.
If you also work, then you should split the household chores evenly down the middle. Why should he get any easy ride just because he’s a man?
It’s OK to divide the chores based on what you like to do or what you’re good at. If you want to cook, that’s great. Your husband can find other ways to pull his weight and make up for all the delicious meals he gets served.
And if you work from home or your job is to take care of the kids, he still shouldn’t get off scot-free. OK, you’re probably going to do the lion’s share of the work around the house, but he should still be willing to pitch in and help out when you ask him.
9. He doesn’t listen to you
Good communication is the foundation of all successful relationships. If your husband has stopped listening to you, it signals a big problem.
There’s no doubt he’s acting like an asshole, but you need to try and understand the reason why.
If you’re constantly arguing and the fights have devolved into personal attacks, he might have given up trying to engage with you.
But he might also be ignoring what you’re saying so he can emotionally manipulate you.
Does he always try to flip the argument around, so you’re the one at fault? Does he shut you down and tell you that you’re a baby if you try to stand up to him? Or maybe he convinces you he’s heard your point of view, but the same issue comes up again and again.
10. He hides things from you
If your husband goes out of his way to hide things from you, then he’s engaging in asshole behavior.
I’ll just come straight out and say it. The most obvious reason he’s hiding things from you is that he’s cheating on you or thinking about leaving you for another woman.
Is he secretive about his phone or laptop? Does he go into another room to take a call or even answer a text message? Or maybe he’s recently changed all his passwords and looks guilty when you ask him what’s up.
Everyone has a right to privacy, and I’m not suggesting you should be snooping around on his phone or computer. But if he’s become extra secretive lately, you should try and get to the truth.
What should you do if your husband is an asshole?
You can’t continue to tolerate your husband being an asshole and treating you poorly. You deserve to be in a relationship where you’re loved and respected, and your opinion is taken seriously.
This leaves you with two options. You can confront the issues and fix your marriage or divorce him and move on. Both are valid options. Your chosen path comes down to your situation and how much you want to save your marriage.
If he’s too far gone, then leaving him is the best option. I fully understand that’s not easy – especially if there are kids involved and you’re financially dependent on him. All I can say is that your emotional safety needs to come first.
But there was also a good reason why you married your husband in the first place. If he’s slowly changed into an asshole over time, there’s an excellent chance you can reignite the love and respect you once felt for each other.
Don’t give up on your marriage until you’ve tried this
If you’re looking for a practical guide to saving your marriage without expensive counseling, I recommend you check out “Mend the Marriage” by Brad Browning.
There are many marriage-saving guides out there, but Mend the Marriage is by far the most detailed guide I’ve ever seen. No matter what issues you’re facing in your marriage, Brad will have helpful advice for your situation and answer all your “what if” scenarios.”
Mend the Marriage contains hundreds of real-world examples tested on married couples. For example, the section on how to handle arguments will show you effective techniques to instantly stop a fight in its tracks without any lingering resentment.
The best part is that Mend the Marriage will work even if your spouse isn’t interested. In fact, Brad believes it’s better if you take the first steps on your own. His powerful psychological techniques will rewire your spouse’s perception of you and subconsciously rebuild their attraction before they even know what’s happening.
Brad claims that almost all marriages can be saved. That’s a bold claim, but I believe him after reading Mend the Marriage. Brad is a certified relationship counselor and has spent over a decade helping men and women repair their broken relationships. His experience has helped him develop dozens of unique and groundbreaking techniques I’ve never seen anywhere else.
Check out Brad’s free video to learn more about Mend the Marriage. It might make the difference between “divorced and lonely” and “happily ever after.”
